Writing The_Fizz's Poetry (Help needed Please) [PG -- L]

[the_fizz]

[font=Comic Sans MS][size=3][color=#008000][u]EDIT: I've posted new poems![/u][/color][/size][/font]
[color=royalblue]Here is a poem that I am thinking of using for my English class the semester. I know that it is rough and I want ?need? some help :help: to make it great or at least better. I am asking for your input to make it better, not to have you guys rewrite it for me. I want it to still be my own work and I know that some of you are pretty good poets and writers. I am far from a good poet and I need ?group? help. (Layout, form, word modifications, ect.) [/color]
[center][size=3][color=darkorchid][u][b]Free[/b][/u][/color][/size][/center]
[center][color=darkorchid]I feel freest when[/color][/center]
[center][color=darkorchid]Watching a satisfying movie[/color][/center]
[center][color=darkorchid]Driving fast on an empty expressway[/color][/center]
[center][color=darkorchid]Staying up late doing zilch[/color][/center]
[center][color=darkorchid]Waking up after a great dream[/color][/center]
[center][color=darkorchid]Cooking and then eating a great meal[/color][/center]
[center][color=darkorchid]Listening to the radio[/color][/center]
[center][color=darkorchid]Walking on a warm windswept day[/color][/center]
[center][color=darkorchid]Laughing with good friends [/color][/center]
[center][color=darkorchid]Colouring a vivid picture[/color][/center]
[center][color=darkorchid]When stumbling across money[/color][/center]
[center][color=darkorchid]In a long hot shower [/color][/center]
[center][color=darkorchid]When lost in a good thought[/color][/center]
[center][color=darkorchid]Surfing the internet[/color][/center]

[center][color=darkorchid]Nevertheless I am freest when[/color][/center]
[center][color=darkorchid]I am in your arms[/color][/center]
[center][color=darkorchid]By your side[/color][/center]
[center][color=darkorchid]Knowing that there is nothing to fear[/color][/center]
[center][color=darkorchid]At the end of the night because[/color][/center]
[center][color=darkorchid]I am free to be me [/color][/center]
[center][color=darkorchid]Nothing more[/color][/center]
[center][color=darkorchid]Nothing less[/color][/center]


[color=indigo][left][/color][color=royalblue][size=5]HELP :help: [/size][/left]



[size=1]I may post more if this works out.[/size]
[/color]

[Boo]

[color=gray][quote]Free to
Love ~ Hate
Calm ~ Angry
Laugh ~ Cry
Play ~ Chill out
Dance ~ Sit
Dream ~ Truth in reality
Live ~ Die[/quote]

Well this doesnt sound so right. You can't calm or angry. And the waves make me nuts lol. I would suggest getting the "Dream ~ Truth in reality" and "Calm ~ Angry" parts away.

The text of the poem itself is kind of weird in my eyes. But bleh. Opinions dont matter right now ^_^

[quote]I am free to be me
Nothing more
Nothing less[/quote]

I think that would make a splendid ending line.

and as a title I thought of something like "Torsional mind" but thats mainly because of the current last part of the poem.

Only found one spell mistake [/color][color=red]its colouring not coloring[/color][color=gray]
o.t.t: Nice job ^_~![/color]

[Lady Asphyxia]

[size=1]It's a good piece. Very simple, very honest. Very vivid in your freedom.

There are only a few things that threw me off, really. The first was when you had a line like

[i]Colouring a vivid picture
When stumbling across money
In a long hot shower
When lost in a good thought
Surfing the internet[/i]

And I had to re-read it, because I read the lines as "Colouring a vivid picture when stumbling across money," which didn't make sense. So perhaps instead of that, you could cut out the [i]when[/i]. It's already in the first line, so it doesn't really need to be there, even for the rhythm.

The second thing is the first line in the second stanza. [i]Nevertheless I am freest when[/i]. Nevertheless means however, but, yet, even so. You've already stated that you feel freest for the things in the first line of the first stanza.

So perhaps you could change the first line to [i]I feel free when[/i], and keep the second stanza as [i]But I feel freest when[/i].

I'm not sure how to incorporate the last part into the poem, unless you say something like, [i]When I'm with you, I'm free to
Love, like, or hate
Be angry or calm,
etc.
Because I know you care what I feel.[/i] or something like that. *shrugs* It's just a suggestion.[/size]

[the_fizz]

[color=royalblue][b][font=Comic Sans MS][size=2][center][font=Times New Roman][size=3][color=royalblue][color=royalblue]To avoid a warning, I will put both of my respones to Boo and Lady Asphyxia feedback in one post.[/color][/b][b][QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Boo [/i][/b]
[b][b][color=gray][/b]
[b]Well this doesnt sound so right. You can't calm or angry. And the waves make me nuts lol. I would suggest getting the "Dream ~ Truth in reality" and "Calm ~ Angry" parts away. [/b][/color][color=#000000][/quote][/color]
[color=royalblue]I edited it so that others will know what I wanted with it. So sorry, if the ~ bug you I just used them as a space filler. [/color]

[QUOTE]
[b][color=gray][/b]
[b]The text of the poem itself is kind of weird in my eyes. But bleh. Opinions dont matter right now ^_^ [/b][/color][color=#000000][/quote][/color]
[color=royalblue]Can you explain what you mean for me, your opinion matters, because that is what I asked for and what I will use to make it better; your help. [/color]

[QUOTE]
[b][color=gray][/b]
[b]I think that would make a splendid ending line. [/b][/color][color=#000000][/quote][/color]
[color=royalblue]I hear you on that and it was supposed to be the ending. I edited it so that that next part is to be added into the poem somewhere. Sorry, for the confusion.[/color]

[QUOTE]
[b][color=gray][/b]
[b]and as a title I thought of something like "Torsional mind" but thats mainly because of the current last part of the poem.[/b][/color][color=#000000][/quote][/color]
[color=royalblue]I will add it to my list and let everyone know what I decide when I turn it in.[/color]

[QUOTE]
[b][color=gray][/b]
[b]Only found one spell mistake [/color][color=red]its colouring not coloring[/color][color=gray][/b]
[b]o.t.t: Nice job ^_~![/color][/b][color=#000000][/QUOTE][/color]
[color=royalblue]Thanks, for you feedback I fix the spelling mistake, I really suck at spelling, most times I let the computer help out on words that I am not sure on. :P [/color]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Lady Asphyxia [/i]
[b][size=1]It's a good piece. Very simple, very honest. Very vivid in your freedom. [/b]

[b]There are only a few things that threw me off, really. The first was when you had a line like [/b]

[b][i]Colouring a vivid picture[/b][/i]
[i][b]When stumbling across money[/b][/i]
[i][b]In a long hot shower [/b][/i]
[i][b]When lost in a good thought[/b][/i]
[i][b]Surfing the internet[/i][/b]

[b]And I had to re-read it, because I read the lines as "Colouring a vivid picture when stumbling across money," which didn't make sense. So perhaps instead of that, you could cut out the [i]when[/i]. It's already in the first line, so it doesn't really need to be there, even for the rhythm. [/b]

[b]The second thing is the first line in the second stanza. [i]Nevertheless I am freest when[/i]. Nevertheless means however, but, yet, even so. You've already stated that you feel freest for the things in the first line of the first stanza.[/b]

[b]So perhaps you could change the first line to [i]I feel free when[/i], and keep the second stanza as [i]But I feel freest when[/i]. [/b]

[b]I'm not sure how to incorporate the last part into the poem, unless you say something like, [i]When I'm with you, I'm free to[/b][/i]
[i][b]Love, like, or hate[/b][/i]
[i][b]Be angry or calm,[/b][/i]
[i][b]etc.[/b][/i]
[i][b]Because I know you care what I feel.[/i] or something like that. *shrugs* It's just a suggestion.[/size] [/b][/QUOTE][color=royalblue]Very good pointer I will work with them. I will post the finished poem before I turn it in to class. I see how just those few tweaks here and there really help the flow. Thanks, for your tips they are greatly needed. :d[/color]
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[center][font=Times New Roman][size=3][color=navy][b]Here are some new poems I written and [/b][/color][/size][/font][/b][/center]


[b][color=navy][/color][/b][center][font=Times New Roman][size=3][color=navy][b]I was wondering what you all thought about them![/b][/color][/size][/font][/center]
[center][font=Times New Roman][size=3][color=navy][b]Feel free to be honest and up front![/b][/color][/size][/font][/center]
[center][b][font=Times New Roman][size=3][color=#483d8b][/color][/size][/font][/b][/size][/font][/color] [/center]
[center][center][u][b][font=Comic Sans MS][size=2][color=darkorchid]Lost Love[/color][/size][/font][/b][/u][/center]
[center][font=Comic Sans MS][size=2][color=darkorchid]Staying awake trying to avoid dreaming of you[/color][/size][/font][/center]
[center][font=Comic Sans MS][size=2][color=darkorchid]Racing thoughts of wondrous moments together[/color][/size][/font][/center]
[center][font=Comic Sans MS][size=2][color=darkorchid]Wishing for away to clear my thoughts of your face[/color][/size][/font][/center]
[center][font=Comic Sans MS][size=2][color=darkorchid]Remembrances of your love linger in the air[/color][/size][/font][/center]
[center][font=Comic Sans MS][size=2][color=darkorchid]Haunting my every thought and action[/color][/size][/font][/center]
[center][font=Comic Sans MS][size=2][color=darkorchid]Never fading in time or strength[/color][/size][/font][/center]
[center][font=Comic Sans MS][size=2][color=darkorchid]Relentlessly hoping for peace[/color][/size][/font][/center]
[center][font=Comic Sans MS][size=2][color=darkorchid]Sitting and waiting for your return[/color][/size][/font][/center]
[center][font=Comic Sans MS][size=2][color=darkorchid]Knowing that day will never come[/color][/size][/font][/center]
[center][font=Comic Sans MS][size=2][color=darkorchid]Knowing your gone forever[/color][/size][/font][/center]
[center][font=Comic Sans MS][size=2][color=darkorchid]Knowing I?ll never hold you near[/color][/size][/font][/center]
[center][font=Comic Sans MS][size=2][color=darkorchid]Knowing I?ll never hear your voice again[/color][/size][/font][/center]
[center][font=Comic Sans MS][size=2][color=darkorchid]Knowing there?s nothing I can do to bring you back[/color][/size][/font][/center]
[center][font=Comic Sans MS][size=2][color=darkorchid]Lost and befuddled [/color][/size][/font][/center]
[center][font=Comic Sans MS][size=2][color=darkorchid]Constantly crying about my lost love[/color][/size][/font][/center]

[center][u][b][font=Comic Sans MS][size=2][color=darkorchid]Empty[/color][/size][/font][/b][/u][/center]
[center][font=Comic Sans MS][color=darkorchid]Nothing alive inside[/color][/font][/center]
[center][font=Comic Sans MS][size=2][color=darkorchid]Nothing to look forward too[/color][/size][/font][/center]
[center][font=Comic Sans MS][size=2][color=darkorchid]An empty crack left within[/color][/size][/font][/center]
[center][font=Comic Sans MS][size=2][color=darkorchid]A hollowness that can?t be filled[/color][/size][/font][/center]
[center][font=Comic Sans MS][size=2][color=darkorchid]Where nothing grows[/color][/size][/font][/center]
[center][font=Comic Sans MS][size=2][color=darkorchid]Awakes to a vacant existence[/color][/size][/font][/center]
[center][font=Comic Sans MS][size=2][color=darkorchid]An existence without dreams, desires, and hopes[/color][/size][/font][/center]
[center][font=Comic Sans MS][size=2][color=darkorchid]An existence where nothing matters[/color][/size][/font][/center]
[center][font=Comic Sans MS][size=2][color=darkorchid]Where happiness is short lived and depression thrive[/color][/size][/font][/center]
[center][font=Comic Sans MS][size=2][color=darkorchid]Every corner leads to another heart-ache,[/color][/size][/font][/center]
[center][font=Comic Sans MS][size=2][color=darkorchid]another let down,[/color][/size][/font][/center]
[center][font=Comic Sans MS][size=2][color=darkorchid]another misfortune[/color][/size][/font][/center]
[center][font=Comic Sans MS][size=2][color=darkorchid]They say trust in God[/color][/size][/font][/center]
[center][font=Comic Sans MS][size=2][color=darkorchid]They say time heals all wounds[/color][/size][/font][/center]
[center][font=Comic Sans MS][size=2][color=darkorchid]Easier said then done I say[/color][/size][/font][/center]
[center][font=Comic Sans MS][size=2][color=darkorchid]Making lemonade sounds easy enough,[/color][/size][/font][/center]
[center][font=Comic Sans MS][size=2][color=darkorchid]but nothing can take away that sour taste[/color][/size][/font][/center]
[center][font=Comic Sans MS][size=2][color=darkorchid]left behind when things go wrong.[/color][/size][/font][/center]
[center][font=Comic Sans MS][size=2][color=darkorchid]Looking back at better times, [/color][/size][/font][/center]
[center][font=Comic Sans MS][size=2][color=darkorchid]only makes things harder to swallow.[/color][/size][/font][/center]
[center][font=Comic Sans MS][size=2][color=darkorchid]Looking forward into the blackness of[/color][/size][/font][/center]
[center][font=Comic Sans MS][size=2][color=darkorchid]the unknown future, only makes it[/color][/size][/font][/center]
[center][font=Comic Sans MS][size=2][color=darkorchid]seem more hopeless and empty.[/color][/size][/font][/center]


[left][font=Verdana][size=1][color=red]Please don't double post. Simply edit your original post. ^.~ Also, in August, a new policy about thread ratings came in. You need to rate your thread for maturity. E is for Everyone, and the ratings get higher. Please read the [/color][/size][/font][url="http://otakuboards.com/showthread.php?t=41864"][font=Verdana][size=1][color=red]ratings sticky[/color][/size][/font][/url][font=Verdana][size=1][color=red] and PM me so I can change your thread title to include the rating you desire. -- Lady Asphyxia.[/color][/size][/font]
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