Writing Conversations

[Shinmaru]

It's been a long, long time since I've written any sort of short story, so I think that this could do with some revising. However, I decided to post it on OB, so that I could get some feedback on it and so that I could get some good advice. Thanks in advance to those who take the time to read this ^_^

[center][b][u]Conversations[/center][/b][/u]

?Do you love??

?What?? Jacob peered up from his homework. Curt usually asked eccentric questions out of the blue, so Jacob was used to it?but it didn?t make the act any less unsettling.

?Do you love?? Curt repeated.

?Well, of course I do,? Jacob said, with a hint of annoyance.

?But, do you [i]love[/i]?? Curt?s face turned deadly serious. ?Do you love with the passion of true love? Are you capable of loving and understanding in accordance to the levels of true love??

?Well?I guess so,? Jacob said, frowning. ?Isn?t everyone capable of that?? Curt sighed and walked over to the window. He stared out the window wistfully, as he had grown accustomed to doing when talking to others.

?I had high hopes for you,? Curt whispered to himself. ?Higher hopes for myself, too. I thought I would be able to change at least one person, but I suppose the world was not ready yet?they can not hope to understand what I have come to understand.? Jacob stared at Curt for a moment, then returned to his studies; he was too used to Curt?s unconventional behavior to let it distract him from what really mattered.

Curt lingered at the window a few seconds longer before strolling over to his bed. He stooped over slightly and rummaged under the bed; after a few seconds, he produced a long, dust covered wooden box. Curt placed the box softly onto his bed. He stared at it, lost in thought.

?You know, Curt, you?re a strange guy,? Jacob mused, whilst writing his essay. ?You ask a lot of strange questions?or, at least, the questions seem strange coming from a guy like you.?

?How so?? Curt asked, opening the box with a soft click.

?Well, you?re so cold and distant most of the time,? Jacob said, scribbling away furiously with his pencil. ?One would hardly expect you to ask questions about true love and stuff. You don?t even seem to be worried about work or anything?I?ve never seen you study or do homework or anything? Don?t you have any ambition??

?I had ambition quite a while ago,? Curt stated in a matter-of-fact voice. He picked up the rifle that he had stored in the box. Curt had never thought that he would have to resort to this, but he could no longer stand his current situation. Something had to be done. Something [i]drastic[/i]. ?The last of it is about to be drained away.?

Jacob stopped writing for a moment. He bit the end of his pencil nervously and continued writing his essay. Curt was an amusing distraction but finishing this essay on time was a life or death situation for Jacob. Curt picked up the rifle and checked to make sure that it was loaded, which it was.

?Jacob, I want you to know that I hope the best for you,? Curt said while walking over to the middle of the room, rifle cocked on his shoulder. ?Even if you and your people are a bunch of miserable failures.?

?What are you talking about?? Jacob asked incredulously, stopping his frenzied scribbling for a split-second. ?You?re confusing me here, Curt.?

Curt stayed silent; he was done dealing with Jacob and the people who were exactly like him. They knew nothing of what really mattered?he could not stand to be around them any longer, though his extended stay with Jacob had endeared him slightly to him. Curt would bring Jacob along with him on his journey; that would be the right thing to do.

??Curt?? Jacob asked hesitantly. He looked up and saw Curt standing in the middle of the room, pointing the rifle at his chest. ?Curt, what are you-? Jacob never finished his sentence. The rifle kicked back into Curt?s shoulder as he fired into Jacob?s chest. Jacob's face contorted into a look of extreme shock; the kind of shock that lingers for the split-second that you realize your life is over. Jacob?s body emitted a sharp spray of blood as he flew backwards and hit the ground with an audible thump. A pool of crimson red blood flowed from the fresh wound and dripped out around Jacob, conforming to the shape of his body.

?Yes, exactly as it should be?? Curt murmured to himself, as he raised the rifle to his head. ?You?re one of the lucky ones, Jacob. I hope you realize that. Unfortunately, I was too weak to be able to stir up some rational thought in your simple-minded race. But, alas, I suppose that is the problem of another.?

?Do you love, Jacob? Do you and your people truly love? I hope you find your answer.?

Curt pulled the trigger.

~

And that's about it. Any comments and critique are definitely appreciated ^_^

EDIT: Added some italicized words that didn't translate from Microsoft Word (darn you, vB coding!) and corrected a couple of mistakes.

EDIT #2: Added a bit more to Jacob's death, as per the request of Mimmi...not much, but at least it's a reaction lol.

[Mimmsicle]

[COLOR=darkred]Ooooooo !

This is a great short, Shin ^__^
You've built it up nicely, making it out to be a peaceful/dull situation and then slowly dawning the reader on what is to come. Ending it with the killer blow, so to speak.

The only thing I'm missing is some sort of "final reaction" from Jacob after he is shot [size=1](is he stunned, despairing etc)[/size]. It falls a bit flat when you withhold that information. In my humble opinion ^_^;

Other than that, it sent a chill down my spine and turned my stomach into knots as I read it O.o

- Mimmi[/COLOR]

[Shinmaru]

Heh, I see what you mean, Mimmi...it does seem kinda flat now that I look at it. I think this calls for a little more detail to be added on my part! *raises hand into air dramatically*

Again, thanks for taking the time to read it - I always enjoy your critique, Mimmi ^_^

[Haze]

wow. That was good. Short, but good. I could perfectly imagine Curt's distant manner from the ways he spoke and the ways you described him. My only problem was that I didn't get that same thing from Jacob. I didn't really have that understanding of his character. Meh. Just my opinion though. It knotted up my gut when you put that part in there about him checking to see if the shotgun was loaded or not. Yet even when I knew it was coming, I still felt shock when he actually killed Jacob. Excellent work with that, Shin. ^__^

[Mimmsicle]

[COLOR=darkred]Very nice Edit, Shin ^___^

It was the little piece that was missing for me, and I'm glad you only did that split-second reaction, instead of drawing it out and having Jacob go [i]overboard[/i] on the drama.

Because [b]that[/b] would've ruined it for sure [i]*cringes at thought*[/i]

Always a pleasure reading your writing, especially when I get to experience different aspects of it ~_^

- Mimmi[/COLOR]

[KarmaOfChaos]

[color=deeppink]
Shin, this piece was [i]excellent.[/i] I really, really enjoyed it.

The story started as very amusing, the melodramatic, space cadet friend and the down-to-earth 'gotta finish this essay' guy. A likely pair of friends. Jacob is not worried, as this behavior on Curt's part is viewed as normal. This puts the reader at ease, they assume that Curt is just a little weird, and rather comical.

"...he produced a long, dust covered wooden box. "

This is where the reader is given the slightest of clues that not everything is as it seems. With Jacob's back turned to Curt, he is entirely unaware of the box, which gives the story an even greater sense of unease or anticipation, depending on what the reader first expected from the box.

"Curt was an amusing distraction but finishing this essay on time was a life or death situation for Jacob. "

Oh the irony. Impeccable use of irony. I [i]loved[/i] that line.

As the story progresses, there is fear, but also resignation. Jacob has his back turned, and Curt is too far gone to turn back now. Death is imminent. Then, there is a twist. Curt decideds that he will take Jacob with him.

It ends with the death of an eccentrinic thinker who was driven insane by the lack of empathy with his ideas, and the friend who was too busy working on the essay to really listen to him.

So bittersweet.

-Karma
[/color]

[Lady Asphyxia]

[font=Verdana][size=1]Oh, very nice indeed! ^_^ If I said anything else, I'd probably be saying what Karma and Mimmi have already said. The edit was a good addition, and I completely agree with it. And, as Karma said, the irony was wonderful. ^_^" The only thing I've noticed really is that in regards to tense, you switched in the last line.[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]So well done, Shin. You did good, heh.[/size][/font]

[Shinmaru]

Heh, yes, I seem to have a rather nasty habit of subsconsciously changing tense when I write stories. It's a problem I'll have to force myself to get over lol. Either that, or I'll have to become a far better proof-reader, haha. Probably both, I'd say.

Thanks to everyone for taking the time out of their busy lives to read and critique my little story ^_^