Writing The Offences of Ogres

[Guest Kouji_Minomoto]

The Offences of Ogres: chapter 1 My name is...
This is a book I'm writing. It is being wrote on myotaku, it's up to chapter 8, so heres chapter 1.

It gets better as the chapters go on.

The numbers in brackets are for footnotes.

?My name is Salvador Baracondarg. I live on Mt. Ogrekill. I live there because I am interested in Ogres. You see, many creatures roam our planet but unlike the ogres they are too smart. Recent studies show us that the only creature without a brain is the troll but there are too many types of Trolls so it gets confusing so that?s why I stick to Ogres.
One thing I?ve learnt from ogres is that the only were to kill a man is to take his head and shove it up his a? well that?s not important. That is covered in chapter 3: An Ogres Daily Routine. The Ogre starts its life emerging from its father. For some reason in the ogre world Men are Women and Women are Men. Some say that the women are women and the men are men. Also those people feel that the person who theorised this (Henword Diskings) is a dingbat from Surry.
But the fact is Henword Diskings is a great big manpa(1). After speaking to him on several occasions and stealing research that shows some possibility of being fact he even said he was a Manpa. Although he thought I was on about his grand children. On another note he does not live in Surry, he lives in Sury, it?s totally a different place.
The smartest Ogre in history is Wobbert Swee Wicherdwon. He is famous because he actually discovered a scientific theory about rocks, which proved to be correct.(2)
?And then the cleric said; ?I think we should discuss this downtown at the temple?.
? Why can you only eat things that are green on Thursdays according to the God of grass and we can only eat red food on Thursnights according to Blazing-flameo the fire god. Which is right???

?Excuse me sir, but you passed out. I think 15 beers were too much for you.?
?Listen, Mr Biscuit Butter Boil For 3 Minutes Until It Explodes Barman, You can?t tell me how many badger intestines beers are too much for me. Only the courts can do that. You have real pretty eyes.?
?I?m calling you a crab (3).?
?How dare you call me that, ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ??

(1): A Manpa is someone who just makes stuff up. Though like a Scientist, Manpa?s actually make up some evidence to support their theory

(2):This was Ogre fact discovered by Wenwobbed Wiskiss, a Bard who sang to plants hoping they would grow so large that he would have an unholy army of daffodils. All that happened was he won Beraponds annual flower competition.

(3):In Ogreopolis (the village that was once owned by Ogres) giant crabs are used for transportation because they are commonly found in the swamp and then the Village Council use the slave spell and then it saves them money. The Ogres don?t own it any more because they went back to Mt. Ogrekill for a day. Then they went inside their houses and they forget how to open the front door and the back door has those that family of nasty looking rats, so after 5 years the Clerics took over again. Though some people are still waiting for the Ogres to come back...

[Lady Asphyxia]

[font=Verdana][size=1]First of all, I have a request of you. When you post, please keep a line of space between paragraphs. Simply indenting is fine for Microsoft Word, but it doesn't work here, so we need the space to be able to see better and to concentrate. It becomes hard on the eyes when we can only see a big clump of writing. [I say this to most people, because I try to look at and review everyone's work, but it is hard to read without the spaces.]
[/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1]Okay. Well, the first 'rule' that I was ever told [in the one time I went to a writing workshop, heh] is "[i]Show, not tell[/i]", which you haven't really done here. This isn't so much a narrative as a narration -- the different seems slight when in words, but it's there. A narration is telling a story, a narrative [i]is[/i] a story. I suppose most 1st person stories [which yours is] are narration stories, because there is someone telling the story. [/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]?My name is Salvador Baracondarg. I live on Mt. Ogrekill. I live there because I am interested in Ogres. [color=red][[/color][color=red]Just a note here. Why would someone who is interested in Ogres live on Mt. Ogre[i]kill[/i]?][/color]You see, many creatures roam our planet but unlike the ogres they are too smart [color=red][Too smart for what?][/color]. Recent studies show us that the only creature without a brain is the troll [color=red][Can't live without a brain. And why did Trolls enter into the story? What's the reason?][/color] but there are too many types of Trolls so it gets confusing so that?s why I stick to Ogres. [color=red][The reader needs an explanation here as to why it matters whether or not the animals have brains.][/color][/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]One thing I?ve learnt from ogres is that the only were to kill a man is to take his head and shove it up his a? well that?s not important.[color=red] [There are many ways to kill people; garotting, beheading, impaling, burning, etc, and most of them don't involve shoving a head [i]anywhere[/i]. Perhaps you should get rid of this sentence all together.][/color] That is covered in chapter 3: An Ogres Daily Routine. [color=red][Why is it covered there?][/color] [/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]The Ogre starts its life emerging from its father. [color=red][What?][/color] For some reason in the ogre world Men are Women and Women are Men.[color=red][For this theory to work, you have to explain it more fully. The reader can't just accept that.][/color] Some say that the women are women and the men are men. Also those people feel that the person who theorised this [color=red][Theorised what?][/color] (Henword Diskings) is a dingbat from Surry. [/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]But the fact is Henword Diskings is a great big manpa(1).[color=red][Best not to make up words.][/color] After speaking to him on several occasions and stealing research that shows some possibility of being fact he even said he was a Manpa. Although he thought I was on about his grand children.[color=red][By this point, the reader is completely lost.][/color] On another note he does not live in Surry, he lives in Sury,[color=red][So why'd you say he was from Surry earlier on?][/color] it?s totally a different place. [/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]The smartest Ogre in history is Wobbert Swee Wicherdwon. He is famous because he actually discovered a scientific theory about rocks, which proved to be correct.(2) [color=red][I really like this footnote, although it could be phrased a little better, perhaps. I thought the idea was quite funny, actually.][/color][/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1][color=red][I don't know where this bit came from. The reader needs to be told who is speaking, why they're speaking, why they're in the sotry, and how they got there. Where they are originally would help, too. [i]I went downtown and met up with this fellow[/i], or [i]something[/i], just so that we know about this scene.][/color]?And then the cleric said; ?I think we should discuss this downtown at the temple?.
[/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1]? Why can you only eat things that are green on Thursdays according to the God of grass and we can only eat red food on Thursnights according to Blazing-flameo the fire god. Which is right???

?Excuse me sir, but you passed out. I think 15 beers were too much for you.?
[/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1]?Listen, Mr Biscuit Butter Boil For 3 Minutes Until It Explodes Barman, You can?t tell me how many badger intestines beers are too much for me. Only the courts can do that. You have real pretty eyes.?
[/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1]?I?m calling you a crab (3).?
[/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1]?How dare you call me that, ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ?? [color=red][That entire dialogue scene wasn't very good. It seemed like an attempt at humour using random lines, and random isn't funny. It's confusing.][/color]

(1): A Manpa is someone who just makes stuff up. Though like a Scientist, Manpa?s actually make up some evidence to support their theory

(2):This was Ogre fact discovered by Wenwobbed Wiskiss, a Bard who sang to plants hoping they would grow so large that he would have an unholy army of daffodils. All that happened was he won Beraponds annual flower competition. [color=red][Again, I thought this line actually had quite a lot of potential. I'll delve into it further later, I think.][/color]

(3):In Ogreopolis (the village that was once owned by Ogres) giant crabs are used for transportation because they are commonly found in the swamp and then the Village Council use the slave spell and then it saves them money. The Ogres don?t own it any more because they went back to Mt. Ogrekill for a day. Then they went inside their houses and they forget how to open the front door and the back door has those that family of nasty looking rats, so after 5 years the Clerics took over again. Though some people are still waiting for the Ogres to come back... [color=red][Huh?][/color][/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1][color=black]Okay, I've looked through all of that. This piece seems like you're trying to be humerous, but it just isn't coming through properly. You do come up with insights of things that are potentially [i]very[/i] funny. [/color][/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]You have a lot of ideas in that imagination of yours, you just need to sort them out and feed them to the reader piece by piece, not just overload the reader with information. We don't know this world, we need you to lead us into it, see? [/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]But it was a good start, and you shouldn't stop writing. Please, continue. I'd like to see what else you come up with. [/size][/font]