Writing Kairi the Demon Lady

[Ryu_Sakura]

[COLOR=deepPink]Kairi giggled, ?Are you sure??

Hikiri snapped, ?Of course!?

?Well, we don?t know if it will work?? Theelios mused.

?Am I not a genius?? Kairi smirked.

?Depends on what type.? Hikiri burst out laughing. Kairi?s cheeks turned red.

?That?s not nice.? Theelios whacked Hikiri in the head with the roll of newspaper she was holding.

?Ow! What?s in that? Lead?? Hikiri clutched her head.

Theelios slid a metal bar out of the roll. ?Knew this was going to come in handy.? She smiled.

?Why you!? Hikiri drew her katana, lashing out at Theelios.
Khirby held Hikiri back. ?Err? not now.? She tried to look innocent.

?Ok.? Hikiri chirped and sheathed her katana. She smiled a bight and cheery smile so big no one would or could notice the fire in her eyes.

?Yeah? Ok?? Kairi looked uncertain of her friend?s sudden cheeriness, but no one else seemed concerned so why should she? She calmed down, but at the same moment Hikiri drew her katana and started to whack Kairi with it, but it broke on her head. There was quiet.

?Uh? might I ask what happened?? Kairi?s eyes were shut and she had a smile, a confused smile but a smile.

?You got me whacked in the head? Now you break my katana?? Hikiri had rage all over her face.

?First, I whacked you of my own will second, no one not even she knows her past, so?? she was cut off by a gust of wind coming from the windows. They looked over.

A man floated thru the window and stopped the wind by pulling it into his hand. ?My lord, you must come with me now.?

All four of the girls had confused looks until Theelios spoke, ?Um? I think you need glasses or something, they?re aren?t any guys here.?

The man blinked, ?But I was just summand here by the gods to take my new lord to his palace. They said a sword just broke on his head and someone was trying to kill him.?

Kairi stood up. ?I?m no guy but a katana just broke on my head, and someone was trying to kill me.?

The man laughed, ?Ha, but you?re a girl, you can?t be my new lord.?

?Well, excuse me mister pretty boy.? Kairi snapped back.

He was obviously stunned; he was finally taking notice to the power surrounding him.

His mouth was agape. ?But you can?t you have the power but?? he shook his head. ?No, the gods are teasing me. I may be the 5th strongest demon in the world, and Eclipse?s little brother, but that doesn?t give them an excuse to tease me!? he turned around.

?Wait did you say Eclipse?? Kairi asked.

?Yes, stupid mortal. He is my older brother, and 4th strongest demon in the world.? He smirked.

Kairi closed her eyes. ?Take me with you.? Instead of her normal clueless expression her face was set in stone with pure determination.

?No, you have no right to come with me, the great Kharll.? Kharll crackled.

?But?? her hands were trembling. ?But I need to know about my past.? A tear dripped down her cheek.

?Uh? Well, What are your names? If I?m going to be nice and ask the gods I think I should at least know that.?

Kairi wiped her tears. ?Kairi.?

?Theelios, the political genius.? Theelios proudly exclaimed.

?I?m Hikiri and that?s Khirby.? Hikiri pointed to herself and then Khirby.

?Hm? What interesting names?? Kharll mumbled. ?Well, I?ll be back in a moment.? In a flash of light and smoke he was gone.

Moments later he was back with a bump on his head. ?Ow??

?What happened?? Kairi inquired.

?Err? Kairi, I mean? My Lady.? Kharll

Kairi?s eyes opened wide, her cheeks pink, her mouth open in astonishment. ?W-what??

?You?re the demon lor--Err?lady.? Kharll obviously hated the way it sounded. ?I was instructed to bring all of you to her home, the castle of the late, Lord Rikkuu.?

Theelios heard this and gasped. ?You mean Lord Rikkuu One of The Greatest Demon Lords to ever live??

?Yes.? His response was solemn and mournful in tone.

Theelios chirped ?Wow! What a great honor, but how can our Kairi be the next Rikkuu? She is a girl, and her name isn?t even Rikkuu. Demon Lord powers are passed thru names.?

?The gods wonder too. But for some reason she has the power to be the next Rikkuu. Despite different names and bloodlines.? Kharll answered. ?I?m only doing what I?ve been told.?

?But why are we coming?? Hikiri mused.

?Why would I know?!?!? He yelled his patience was going thin.

?Because you are the demon.? Khirby replied.

?Well, she is too!? He pointed at Kairi. ?She has the power to prove it.?

?Well, let?s go. I mean we have no one here that cares about us anyway. I just need to pack?? She paused. ?So would you leave us alone for a while? Otherwise you?ll be bombarded with clothes and stuff.? Kairi pointed at the door. ?Now.?

?Yes, my lady.? As he walked out his cape billowed out behind him like there was a strong wind. After he exited they slammed the door, and burst into talk.

?Let?s bring all we can. That way, we won?t get mad at ourselves if we forget.? Khirby yelled above the slamming of doors and drawers.

??K? everyone responded and continued on their packing. After about an hour they were done, the room bare, everything that can be carried packed. They opened the door and saw Kharll sitting on the floor.

?Ok, we?re ready.? Hikiri smiled, her voice cheerful.

He got up and looked at everything they were bringing. ?What in hell do you think you are bringing? I?m not a chauffeur.? He fumed.

?We know.? Theelios replied flatly. ?We just don?t want to end up forgetting something important.? She paused then added very quietly, ?Like our project.?

?Come on then.? He pulled his hand out of his cloak and cast a spell to open a tesseract. ?Just jump in.? Theelios jumped, Hikiri jumped, Khirby jumped, and then Kairi jumped. Kharll followed. ?Girls, what weirdos.?

Then he heard thru the tesseract, ?Thank you!?

He walked thru and he appeared in a huge hall, the girls we looking around in astonishment.

The first to speak was Hikiri, ?When?s dinner? I?m hungry.?

?Later, now I have to show you to your rooms.? He snapped his fingers and another man dressed in a black robe, wearing a black cloak over it. He seemed fairly young, possibly in what humans would think to be 21. He smiled; ?Yes?? then he noticed there were only two men in this room, Kharll and himself. ?Where is his majesty??

?You mean, her ladyship.? He snapped at him. And pushed Kairi forward. ?This is her ladyship.? He paused ?And he is your teacher, Hellion. Alright Hikiri??

?Who?s my teacher?? Khirby murmured.

?Your teacher is Theelios. I hope that?s ok Theelios. But you are far above genius, and we have no other teachers.?

?Oh, it?s ok. I don?t mind.? She smiled and walked over to Khirby, at the same time Hikiri was waking over to Hellion to talk, just so she won?t feel awkward first lesson.

?Then who is my teacher?? Kairi asks Kharll.

?Eclipse, and you will have a fellow student Raenef. But I have to warn you Raenef is an amateur. But you are not, being as before I even met you, you were using your powers in never before used ways.? Kharll walked off. ?Come on, I won?t show you your rooms again!? His shoes tapped against the floor making an even click, which was soon followed by many uneven taps and squeaks.

?So, we each get different rooms?? Hikiri had caught up to Kharll.

?Yes, why did you think you wouldn?t?? Kharll looked down at her, he was at least a good five heads taller.

?Hm?? Oh? I just didn?t know that?s all.? Hikiri slowed down a bit, falling into line out with Khirby. ?Hey Khirb. Do you think you could forge another katana for me??

?You never give up do you?? Khirby was tired and looked it. That was the first time she was ever really tired, usually she?s hyper.

Hikiri make a quick smart reply. ?Nope.? She grinned madly.

?You are all so immature.? Theelios walked quickly to catch up.

?Hey!? Hikiri?s face want as red as a tomato.

Kharll stopped. ?Shut up you three idiots. Hikiri here is your room.? He pointed to two large wooden doors, with gold handles. ?Go in, it should suit your taste, it?s spelled so if you don?t like something it will change to how you want it.?

Hikiri opened the doors, ?Bye.? She waved at them as they continued their walk.

?My legs hurt!? Khirby wailed.

?Your room is next, so be quiet.? Kharll was officially pissed.

Khirby knew when to shut up. ?Ok.? She walked a little faster to keep up.

?And here it is.? Kharll stopped walking and pointed to another set of doors. Khirby walked in, waving good-bye.

?Bye-ness.? Kairi called back to her. Khirby shook her head, and then vanished thru the doors, which slammed shut.

?Why me?? Kharll complained.

?Because, I said so!? Kairi laughed evilly. He growled.

?And how much longer till my room?? Theelios inquired.

?Just a little further.? He snapped.

?Alright, don?t yell.? Theelios crossed her arms.

?Here you go.? He signaled two doors. Which Theelios walked thru without saying a word, or making any movement.

?And my room is?? Kairi said breaking the moment?s silence.

?Just ahead.? Kharll rolled his eyes. ?Girls??

?Hey! That?s not nice!? Kairi yelled at him.

?Here is your room.? He pointed to two very large doors with elegant silver handles.

?Ok, I?m going to sleep. ?Night.? Kairi opens the doors and walks in. It is a large room covered in many shades of purple. Kairi is open mouthed, stunned, bewildered, astonished and amazed. ?W-wow, It?s just like my dream room.? She put down her stuff, smiles and skips over to the canopy bed. ?I?m tired, screw meeting up with them later, I need sleep!? Kairi pushes the curtains open, realizes she is still wearing her school uniform. ?Nope can?t wear this.? She walks over to her luggage and sifts thru it. ?Aha!? she gasps as she pulls out light purple silky PJs, with dark purple swirls. She grins then runs to the bathroom. After five minutes she comes out, teeth brushed, hair combed, and ready for bed. ?So tired?.? She mumbles as she slowly walks over to the bed. She jumps in and falls asleep.

Kairi?s sleep is fitful, she tosses and turns, worried about what comes next.[/COLOR]

Yes, I know there are mistakes. I still need to do a final edit, but it's mostly error free. I hope you all enjoy it.
EDIT: Fixed the color, and thanks for the tips, I'm going to work on it today. :)

[Lady Asphyxia]

[font=Verdana][size=1][color=black]That colour font is really hard to read with this background. [/color][/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]Anyway, the first line is okay. I think perhaps you could cut out the 'Kairi giggled' part, and just opened with the interesting 'Are you sure?'. The reader will automatically read on, to find out what they aren't sure about. [/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]There's also too much dialogue -- try to include descriptions of where they are, what they're doing, what the look like and so on.[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]Finally; watch the tense. You switch from past to present. [/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]Other than that, the story is pretty good. ^_^[/size][/font]