Writing Please Review, No one ever reviews my poems, so please Review

[NashvilleDream]

[font=Arial Black][size=2]Yin and Yang[/size][/font]

There is good
And there is bad
Most times they are equal
There'll be things you love
And things you'll hate
You'll hurt
You'll heal
You'll love again
Broken bones
Are set and heal
The same with hearts
And hurt
You'll love
And lose
And love again
Though not all scars
Will dissappear
Wounds will heal in time
If you try to find
The good in life
It's what you'll always see




[font=Arial Black][size=2]Warning against Suicide[/size][/font]

If you really want to leave this world
Far back in your memories
Think first of those
You'll leave behind
Those whose hearts you hold
Consider if you're really so unloved
That you need to leave this world
There's no guarenty that you won't be hurt
No warrenty on happiness
But Live for those who love you
And you'll always be in someone's heart
There are those who would give it all for you
You are never alone
There is always someone by your side
If you are blind, then just reach out
There's a hand for you to hold
Don't resort to the ultimate extreme
I know the hurt, I've felt it to
But you have to learn
To live with the pain
Just think of the others you'd hurt


[font=Arial Black][size=2][/size][/font]
[font=Arial Black][size=2][/size][/font]
[font=Arial Black][size=2]Pain Hurts[/size][/font]

Life can hurt
Can get you down
Can make you hate
The world

Can make you feel
Like no one loves you
Can make you want
To end it all

There are rough times ahead
They'll get rougher
Your heart will break
And it will shatter

But there is light
After each tunnel
And sun behind the clouds

There is a storm
On every sea
But all storms have to end

Life is both long and short
And pain hurts
But you've gotta learn to live with it.



I'm not really sure if those are very good titles, I just invented them because they were only numbered before.

[Grey Aurora]

Prepare yourself, here comes Lucifer's hammer.
First of all, I will start with Yin and Yang. This poem struck me as...abrupt perhaps. It would do good if you combined some lines so it doesn't strike people as being said in one breath. Next, what is with the line "Broken bones~Are set and heal"? Using broken bones to relate to heartbreak doesn't fit the poem very well. You never even mention anything related to breaking/broken in the rest of the poem! and even if you were to decide to keep the line, it should read, "Broken bones will set and heal" or "Broken bones eventually set and heal" or something along those lines. But if you really want to improve it, work on your vocab. Look up words in a thesarus or something, because the words should ebb and flow along. Throw away the basic words like, lose, hurt, and pain. Add in more sophisticated words that describe the concept of the poem in greater depth. Why use the word disappear when you could use vanish? And that brings me to my final problem, spelling. Poetry loses impact if some words are spelt wrong. Use a dictionary.

As for Warning against Suicide, a better poem. The best I have seen of your poetry yet. Yet still far from perfect. Firstly, the line "Far back in your memories~Think first of those~You'll leave behind" isn't organized so hot. Try something else like,"Think first of those you'll leave behind from far back in your memories" Not exactly like that, but along those lines. And again, the spelling because you have a knack for spelling words wrong. Nothing big, but just check your poems in Word first. And yet again, work on your vocab. Substitute words like "transparent" with words like "lucid" Avoid using common words and aim for the melodious ones not used frequently. But make you sure you know what they mean.

[NashvilleDream]

[QUOTE]even if you were to decide to keep the line, it should read, "Broken bones will set and heal" or "Broken bones eventually set and heal" [/QUOTE] In the context, set is a verb. When you go into the hospital with a broken bone, they have to [i]set [/i]the bone so it will heal straight. [QUOTE]Firstly, the line "Far back in your memories~Think first of those~You'll leave behind" isn't organized so hot. Try something else like,"Think first of those you'll leave behind from far back in your memories" Not exactly like that, but along those lines. [/QUOTE] The line: Far back in your memories goes with the line above it. [QUOTE]work on your vocab. Look up words in a thesarus or something, because the words should ebb and flow along. Throw away the basic words like, lose, hurt, and pain. Add in more sophisticated words that describe the concept of the poem in greater depth. Why use the word disappear when you could use vanish? And that brings me to my final problem, spelling. Poetry loses impact if some words are spelt wrong. Use a dictionary.
[/QUOTE] [QUOTE], the spelling because you have a knack for spelling words wrong. Nothing big, but just check your poems in Word first. And yet again, work on your vocab. Substitute words like "transparent" with words like "lucid" Avoid using common words [/QUOTE] I would if I could, believe me, It's jst that, in order to do that, I'd have to pay 10 cents per page to print it out, then take the papers home, bring them to school the next day, stay after and retype it on the computer, save it on a floppy, and check all the words. Complicated ne?

[Lady Asphyxia]

[font=Verdana][size=1]I'll just reply to what you've said and then go on and critique your poem.[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1][quote name='NashvilleDream]In the context, set is a verb. When you go into the hospital with a broken bone, they have to [i]set [/i']the bone so it will heal straight.[/quote][/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]That's true, however, when you read over the poem, the word 'heal' seems to relate to the word 'are', because 'set' relates to the word 'are'. So perhaps you could change 'heal' to 'healed', so that the reader isn't confused.[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1][quote] The line: Far back in your memories goes with the line above it.[/quote][/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]I'm going to suggest using punctuation to remove confusion about that. A simply full stop in the right place could fix it quite easily. Rememer; the reader is ignorant -- they know nothing about your poem and how it should be read. The only way they can know is through punctuation, which is why it's a must for any writer. [/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1][quote]I would if I could, believe me, It's jst that, in order to do that, I'd have to pay 10 cents per page to print it out, then take the papers home, bring them to school the next day, stay after and retype it on the computer, save it on a floppy, and check all the words. Complicated ne?[/QUOTE][/size][/font]

[size=1][font=Verdana]Why? Do you only have a computer at school? Why don't you type them and then check them as you go? Correct spelling and grammar are a must here -- and while you seem to have the shorter words [and contractions] down pat, you have trouble with the more descriptive words, i.e. Disappear, [color=black][font=Verdana]guaranty, [color=black][font=Verdana]warranty. Of course, the last two I have trouble with myself, and occasional errors are allowed -- we can't all be perfect, after all.[/font][/color][/font][/color][/font][/size]
[color=black][font=Verdana][color=black][font=Verdana][/font][/color][/font][/color]
[color=black][font=Verdana][color=black][font=Verdana][size=1]With the poems themselves; lovely feel to it. I thought that was very good. And I disagree with Grey Aurora. You shouldn't sacrifice fluency for a more sophisticated word. Personally, I thought "Disappear" worked wonderfully where it was. It seemed to rhyme with something, but as I went back over the poem, it didn't -- and that is a very cool thing to be able to do. Ying and Yang was very sweet, very simple, and it was a good title, too. So I like that poem, well done. ^_^[/size][/font][/color][/font][/color]
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[color=black][font=Verdana][color=black][font=Verdana][size=1][quote name='Grey Aurora']Yet still far from perfect[/quote].[/size][/font][/color][/font][/color]
[color=black][font=Verdana][color=black][font=Verdana][font=Verdana][/font][/font][/color][/font][/color]
[color=black][font=Verdana][color=black][font=Verdana][size=1]*grins* Who writes for perfection? :p [/size][/font][/color][/font][/color]
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[color=black][font=Verdana][color=black][font=Verdana][size=1]Anyway, I read the poem, and then I realised I'd read a few lines incorrectly -- and then I thought that perhaps the incorrect lines were better. For instance, instead of [/size][/font][/color][/font][/color]
[color=black][font=Verdana][color=black][font=Verdana][font=Verdana][/font][/font][/color][/font][/color]
[color=black][font=Verdana][color=black][font=Verdana][i][size=1]Those whose hearts you hold[/i]
[i]Consider if you're really so unloved[/size][/i][/font][/color][/font][/color]
[color=black][font=Verdana][color=black][font=Verdana][i][font=Verdana][/font][/i][/font][/color][/font][/color]
[color=black][font=Verdana][color=black][font=Verdana][size=1]I read[/size][/font][/color][/font][/color]
[color=black][font=Verdana][color=black][font=Verdana][font=Verdana][/font][/font][/color][/font][/color]
[color=black][font=Verdana][color=black][font=Verdana][i][size=1]Consider those whose hearts you hold;[/size][/i][/font][/color][/font][/color]
[color=black][font=Verdana][color=black][font=Verdana][size=1][i]If you're really so unloved[/i]
[i]That you need to leave this world.[/i] [/size][/font][/color][/font][/color]
[color=black][font=Verdana][color=black][font=Verdana][font=Verdana][/font][/font][/color][/font][/color]
[color=black][font=Verdana][color=black][font=Verdana][size=1]And I thought that sounded okay, and brought a really nice rhythm to it.[/size][/font][/color][/font][/color]
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[color=black][font=Verdana][color=black][font=Verdana][size=1]The other thing that jumped out at me was the repetition of [i]hurt[/i] in the last few lines, and the presence of 'you will'. Perhaps if you change [i]you will[/i] into [i]you would[/i]. It seems to make the poem softer.[/size][/font][/color][/font][/color]
[color=black][font=Verdana][color=black][font=Verdana][font=Verdana][/font][/font][/color][/font][/color]
[color=black][font=Verdana][color=black][font=Verdana][i][size=1]I know how much you hurt[/i]
[i]But you have to learn[/i]
[i]To live with the pain[/i]
[i]Just think of the others you'll hurt[/size][/i][/font][/color][/font][/color]
[color=black][font=Verdana][color=black][font=Verdana][font=Verdana][/font][/font][/color][/font][/color]
[color=black][font=Verdana][color=black][font=Verdana][size=1]Perhaps if you change it to something like the following:[/size][/font][/color][/font][/color]
[color=black][font=Verdana][color=black][font=Verdana][font=Verdana][/font][/font][/color][/font][/color]
[color=black][font=Verdana][color=black][font=Verdana][i][size=1]I know how much it aches[/size][/i][/font][/color][/font][/color]
[color=black][font=Verdana][color=black][font=Verdana][i][size=1]But you have to learn[/size][/i][/font][/color][/font][/color]
[color=black][font=Verdana][color=black][font=Verdana][i][size=1]To live with the pain.[/size][/i][/font][/color][/font][/color]
[color=black][color=black][font=Verdana][size=1][i]Just think of the others you'd hurt.[/i][/size][/font][/color][/color][color=black][color=black]
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[font=Verdana][size=1]So, yeah. Nice poems, heh. ^_^[/size][/font]
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[size=1][font=Verdana][b]EDIT -- [/b]*laughs* It's true, he doesn't. Totally clueless, of course. :p The last time he graded me [or close to the last time] I was given a B...or was it a B-? I won $240 dollars for that essay, heh. He knows what he's talking about when he does give you helpful hints, though. Mnemmy's been with me throughout most of my writing 'career'. ^.~[/font][/size][/color][/color]

[Mnemolth]

I preferred the Ying Yang poem to the Suicide one. I like its beat, its sharp terse little lines. But you do tend to overuse cliches and some words. Heal, for example, shows up 3 times. It's a small poem. So yeah. Vary it a little. Also throw in some imagery.

As for the suggestion that you should use more 'sophisticated' words, I'm not so sure. I reckon you should give it a go. Just to develop your style. But I would add here that small 'simple' words does not make a poem any less powerful or meaningful. In fact, it is a hell of a lot harder to write a GOOD poem with simple words than to write one with more complicated vocabulary.

The best poetry relies on captivating imagery but with a simple vocabulary. Consider the following poem, first published in 1966 (the time of James Dean and youthful rebellion, the time when the whole teen angst and cool thing swept the world).

"We Real Cool"

We real cool. We
Left school. We

Lurk late. We
Strike straight. We

Sing sin. We
Thin gin. We

Jazz June. We
Die soon.

It's by Gwendolyn Brooks, one of America's greatest modern poets. Almost 40 years later people still quote it for its power and insight. 8 simple lines. And it's an American classic, taught in schools and universities all over the country. Just something to think about... :)


Ying and Yang -> B-

Warning Against Suicide -> C+

And don't worry about my grades. Just ask Asphy, I have no idea what I'm talking about when it comes to literature. ;)