Writing First....and last ....

[Ryoko T.D.C.]

Hi, this is my only fan fic ever. It really does't go to any anime, or story, or anything. It just poped into my head one night....I really hope you all like it!

" There they were, standing in an open meadow, their only light was the moon and stars above them. they looked into each others eyes, never looking away. He took his right hand and combed his fingers through her hair, then moved down her cheek, down her neck, and down the side of her breast alll the way to her waist. He did the same with his other hand.

She stared into his dark hazel brown eyes. He tightened his grip on her as he pulled her close. She took her left hand and combed through his hair with her fingers. As he moved forward, their eyes never left each other, until finaly, he kissed her. Her heart was pounding like a drum on against his chest as he held her close to him. Teir lips were as if they were two strangers meeting for the first time.

Their tounges, caressing each other as they kissed. Finaly, as he pulled away, she was looking at him as if she wanted to say, 'Why, why did you stop?'. He looked at for the longest time, until with all the breath he had left; and with a choking voice; said the three most beautiful words ever spoken, 'I love you'. Her eyes filled up with tears of joy as she dug her head into his chest.

And then, with a choking effort, said the four most beautiful words back, 'I love you too'. He held her very close and wold never let her go."

It's a bit long, but hope you all like it. Please post!!!!

[Lady Asphyxia]

[font=Verdana][size=1]Well, technically, if it isn't based on an already existing show/book and if it doesn't involve any already existing characters, it isn't a fanfiction. However, I won't tell if you won't. ^.~[/size][/font]
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[font=Verdana][size=1]It isn't really that long, though. I've written much longer before, so don't worry about it, I don't think.[/size][/font]
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[font=Verdana][size=1]Becareful with tenses.[/size][/font]
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[font=Verdana][size=1]I see this as a short scene/extract from a story. It doesn't mean that it has to be written, but it is there, which is great.[/size][/font]
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[font=Verdana][size=1]A few sentences that could be improved; [/size][/font]
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[font=Verdana][size=1]He did the same with his other hand.[/size][/font]
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[font=Verdana][size=1]It sounds very awkward, especially with the feel that comes from the other words. Perhaps you could change it to the following:[/size][/font]
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[size=1][font=Verdana][i]He traced the path with his other hand[/i]. Hrm, that sounds a bit awkward, actually. [i]His other hand repeated the movement[/i], maybe? *frowns* Combine the two, perhaps. [i]His other hand repeated the movement, tracing the path slowly[/i]. Yes, that sounds better.[/font][/size]
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[size=1][font=Verdana][i]Dark hazel brown eyes[/i]. I was flooded with adjectives. Try to cut one out. [i]Dark hazel[/i], or [i]hazel brown[/i], or [i]dark brown[/i].[/font][/size]
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[size=1][font=Verdana][i]He tightened his grip on her [/i]sounds menacing. Perhaps you could change it to [i]His grip tightened automatically[/i], to make it less so.[/font][/size]
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[font=Verdana][size=1]Instead of [i]She took her left hand[/i], just say, [i]her hand[/i].[/size][/font]
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[size=1][font=Verdana][i]Moved forward[/i] can become [i]leaned foward[/i]. Moved gives the impression of his feet moving, if that makes sense.[/font][/size]
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[font=Verdana][size=1]The thing I find with this piece is that you [i]over[/i] describe. Instead of telling us what they're doing, let us figure it out. Instead of saying [for example]; She walked to the door, opened it, and walked through into the room, just say, She walked into the room. [/size][/font]
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[font=Verdana][size=1]I'll show you how I've changed your piece to make it flow smoother.[/size][/font]
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[font=Verdana][size=1][quote]There they were, standing in an open meadow, their only light the moon and stars above them. They looked into each other's eyes, never looking away. His hand combed his fingers through her hair, then moved down her cheek, down her neck, and down the side of her breast to her waist. His other hand repeated the movement, tracing the same path slowly.[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]She stared into his dark hazel eyes. His grip tightened automatically as he pulled her close. Her left hand [color=black]combed [/color]through his hair. As he leaned close, their eyes never left each other, until finally, he kissed her. Her heart was pounding like a drum. Their lips were like two strangers meeting for the first time.

Their tongues caressed each other as they kissed. He pulled away. She was looking at him as if she wanted to say, 'Why did you stop?'. He looked at for the longest time, until with all the breath he had left; and with a choking voice; said the three most beautiful words ever spoken; 'I love you'. Her eyes filled up with tears of joy as she rested her head into his chest.

And then, with a choking effort, said the four most beautiful words back, 'I love you too'. He held her very close and would never let her go."[/size][/font]
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[font=Verdana][size=1]There. I've changed some phrases and deleted others. [/size][/font]
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[font=Verdana][size=1]I'm sorry if this review seems long and nitpicky, however, I really liked the feel to this, and the soft, sweet sentiment that was involved, and I really wanted to try to help you improve it, heh.[/size][/font]
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[font=Verdana][size=1]So very well done! I really like this piece, actually. I think it's great. ^_^[/size][/font]