Writing A new story

[::eV:: Vivi]

Dear Journal todays date is 03/23/1504:
Today i have gotten on the boat to the new town called Synaric it is a town of Wizards and warriors i dont reallly beleave in that stuff but i figuare with he heck it cant be that bad here. Anyways we went into a mighty storm and the boat started to rock back and forth back and forth i chould feel my stumoch begin to Churn and i feel Sick. we are about to our destination it will only be another hour from what the capitan said i think he is rather Crazy if you ask me. as this quill reachs the end of my parchment for today i will leave myself with this always bring your self somthing to comfert you with.


Dear Journal todays date is 03/24/1504:
Today we finally Arived at Synaric at the docks there is a horrid smell of rotten fish
i am again feeling sick becouse the smell smells like a skunk got trampled then left to rot next to 100 year old eggs that had just gotten broken open and then tarnished with fish the smelll carresed my nostrails with that smell for most of the day it had sunk into my Cloak that i was wearing i must get it cleaned. I have now got a nice and clean Cloak and it smells like Fresh spring flowers And now i have reached the
Entrance to the Citizenship booth there are thousands of people who are in line i was lucky enough to be in the first onehoundred. once i had finally gotten to my turn the lady that was there told me to put my hand on the table and close my eyes.
I did what she said and she grabed a hot fork and branded me!! it burned so bad
that i wanted to die she then placed my hands in water the water only made it worse though and i was unable to consentrait on what i was trying to tell her i blacked out.....


So howed you like my story tell me what you thought of it rate it one thru ten that way i can improve it this is only a little piece of it just half the chapter :laugh:

[Lady Asphyxia]

[font=Verdana][size=1]Please watch your spelling and punctuation. And put a line of space between your paragraphs -- it makes it easier to read. [/size][/font]
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[font=Verdana][size=1]Anway, I think perhaps instead of [i]"Dear Journal todays date is 03/23/1504:",[/i] the following would look better:[/size][/font]
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[font=Verdana][size=1][i]03/23/1594[/i][/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1][i]Dear Journal,[/i][/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1][i]...[/i][/size][/font]
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[font=Verdana][size=1]I find that it seems more natural. I, myself, write in my journal in the same manner as above, and it's the conventional way people write it.[/size][/font]
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[font=Verdana][size=1]Some of your sentences are extremely long and run on. They can easily be broken into shorter sentences. For example: [/size][/font]
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[font=Verdana][size=1]Today I have gotten on the boat to the new town called Synaric[color=red].[/color] [color=red]I[/color]t is a town of Wizards and warriors[color=red].[/color][color=red] I[/color] don't really believe in that stuff but I figure what the heck it can't be that bad there.[/size][/font]
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[font=Verdana][size=1]And so one sentence bcomes three shorter, easier to read sentences. [/size][/font]
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[font=Verdana][size=1]Try to use a different word than 'gotten'. It sounds horrible, and there are so many nicer words to use. Perhaps, "Today I boarded the boat"? From the date, this piece is set in the 1500's. You need to be careful that your story and vocabulary is like that of the time period. If you are speaking from the veiw of a noble, refined lady, try to keep your speech in the same tone. Alternatively, if they're a slave, keep their vocab. as that of a slave. The reader should immediately be able to guess the character's class/station in life by the way they speak. [/size][/font]
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[font=Verdana][size=1]The short length of the entries don't really pull the reader in, so try to expand it. For instance, describe the boat and it's surroundings. Who were the other people on the boat? [/size][/font]
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[font=Verdana][size=1]So, that's what I recommend. Try to send the reader into a role, shorten and simplify your sentences, and try to describe the surroundings more, so that the reader can [i]be[/i] there. [/size][/font]