Writing Project: Revel (first Draft)

[Vicky]

So I did the first draft... Revel was a pokemon I created, but I re-created and re-created him many times, until finally, the story. The first draft is nothing special, just to see how it will go, and the second one will be totally different. You may be confused why the title is Project: Revel, and in the story it's Project: RIVAl. Well, you'll see:

[CENTER][SIZE=7]Project:[/SIZE]
Revel[/CENTER]

[SIZE=1][I]In the year 2020, any human mutations or un-authorized human testing was strictly forbidden, and the penalty, death. Ten years ago a secret organisation tried to create the most powerful enhanced human ever known. When they where found out, the first floor of their lab was destroyed, and each and every person connected to this project was imprisoned for life, thus bringing out the new law in 2020. However, under the lab was where their real project, RIVAL, an enhanced creature. In the year 2023, Kevin Andrews, son of the leader from the start of the RIVAL project gathered the remaining members of project RIVAL, and others willing to help. All of them where aware of the penalty if they where caught, but project RIVAL was the answer to all crime and hate in the world, the Ultimate Warrior, the future of Earth, the greatest Fighting Force known to man.

But something went wrong?[/I]

[U][B]Chapter One[/B]
Like Father Like Son[/U]

The skies where filled with dull grey clouds over the abandoned city. Rain pattered on the battered up ground, pouring down the empty streets of Amaza Town, a city that was long forgotten, burnt to a crisp by the battles of gang members and crime. No one dared go into this city, not anymore. Not after the strange happenings when people came into the gate of the city. People said they saw monsters, ghost, and all sorts of things that could not be possible.
Actually, the monsters, ghost and strange happening people saw within the city where just holographic projections, to hide the real secret which lay in the heart of Amaza Town. The Project that would change the world.
A tall man began to walk from the shadows of the building, wearing a long coat for the wet weather. The man wore a cowboy hat, very strange, since hardly anyone wore them anymore.
?You finally decided to come??? Said a calm voice. The man laughed lightly, and turned around. A women stood there in a damp white coat, with long jet-black hair and calm, sweet eyes.
?You know me better then to miss something like this?? The man muttered.
?Yes I do? Kevin. This Project will be the greatest thing ever created, let?s hope we don?t die.? Chuckled the women.
?Shut up Sarah, we?re not going to die. I?ll never make the same mistakes my idiot of a father made. I will be the one to finally bring justice to this world, after 20 years of war, and the crimes? I?ll be the one? with my team of course.? Kevin replied, taking off his cowboy hat. His hair was black also, but a lot lighter. Three hairs seemed to be the spikiest of all, over his right eye. ?My father was a fool? and I shall not follow in his footsteps.? Kevin mumbled. Suddenly, a blurry image of some kind of hunch-backed creature, with huge drooling fangs back to roar. It was one of the holographic images. ?Turn that damn thing off!? Kevin snapped. Sarah growled, and took out a small black device, clicked at button, and the image of the creature disappeared. ?Are we going or what?? Kevin growled.
?Yes, yes, shut up and follow me!? Sarah snapped.

~

Sarah walked quickly down the metal stairs, followed by Kevin who walked slowly. They both stopped, when coming to a large room with computers, people working on different things and what not. In the middle of the room, a large tank filled with green water stood. Kevin walked passed Sarah, and walked towards the tank. He took off his coat, revealing his strange, muscular body, and the same black shirt and black pants. Kevin smiled, and looked at the creature inside. A dog-like, humanoid creature that would one day stop all evil in the world. Its snout was short, and the creature sat, as if it where resting on its legs. Brown fur covered it, and its teeth? a huge pair of massive fangs hanging from the creature?s mouth.
?This is it? the day when we can finally give our world back its place, a world of peace, no more war, no more hate? a world my father could never create. Are we ready?? Kevin said, turning to one of the scientist.
?Err? yes Sir.? One scientist said looking at a long scroll of paper. Kevin smiled happily, and put his cowboy hat back on.
?Good. Proceed with the first phase?? Kevin replied. ?Wake him.?
?Sir, I don?t thi-? One young man began.
?Shut up! I gave you an order now follow it!? Kevin snapped at the young man.
?But...? The young man began looking down at the computer and looking back up. Kevin growled.
?Proceed, or GET OUT!!!? Kevin bellowed. The young man frowned, and nodded. Sarah who was stood behind Kevin sighed heavily.
?Everything?s going according to plan sir. Computers are working at full, and the generators too. We?ve got full power.? The lead Scientist said from the large computer. Kevin nodded, signalling to begin. The water inside the tank turned from the grass green colour, to a dark red. There was a rumbling sound coming from the tank, and then? all went silent.
?Is it working?? Kevin shouted.
?Sir? I?.? Stuttered one of them clicking a few buttons on the computers.
?IS IT WORKING?!? Repeated Kevin in a louder tone.
?No! It?s not responding!? The lead Scientist shouted. Kevin growled, staring at the creature inside the tank, which did not move.
?Sir1 Sir quick! We have to abort or the generators and stuff are going to blow!? The young scientist shouted.
?WHAT?S THE PROBLEM?!?! WHY ISN?T IT WORKING?? Shouted Kevin.
?Too much pressure!? The lead scientist shouted. ?We started too soon! The chemicals we?re using aren?t reacting the way we thought!? The lead Scientist looked at Kevin, waiting. ?Shall I abort sir?? He asked.
?No.? Kevin said calmly.
?Sir??
?NO!!!? Kevin yelled at them. ?We keep going!? He shouted.
?No, I?m aborting it.? The lead scientist shouted.
?YOU WANT YOUR MONEY OR WHAT?? Kevin bellowed. He walked up the steps to the scientist and stared him in the eyes, and the floor beneath them began to shake madly. Kevin sighed heavily, lowered his head, and turned back, walking away. The lead scientist pushed the button on the computer to abort, and the madly shaken room stopped still silent. The lights above flicked madly, and the water in the tank slowly went back to the pure green colour. Kevin stopped in front of the tank, staring at his father creations. He had failed to revive it, and if only his father wasn?t in jail, their quest for peace might have worked.
?Get...OOOOUT!? Kevin shouted at them all. ?ALL OF YOU!! OUT! YOU?RE ALL FIRED! ALL OF YOU!!! GET OUT!? Kevin shouted. His face went red with anger, and a few rushed out, afraid of what he might do. The final two, the young man and the lead scientist where the last to walk out. Kevin clenched his fist hard, and banged hard on the nearest computer, smashing the screen and keypad. Kevin threw his hat across the room, and sat in front of the tank, thinking? everything he worked for? it was reduced to nothing? nothing at all. His father failed, now he did? like they say? like father, like son.[/SIZE]

[Lady Asphyxia]

[font=Verdana][size=1]There are only three things I find that slow me down when I'm reading this story, and the rest is fine. [/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1]The first is sentence structure. Sometime the sentence is consructed very awkwardly. Granted, it doesn't happen very often, but I'll give you two examples.[/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font]
[i][font=Verdana][size=1]However, under the lab was where their real project, RIVAL, an enhanced creature[/size][/font][/i]
[font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font]
[i][font=Verdana][size=1]In the middle of the room, a large tank filled with green water stood[/size][/font][/i]
[i][font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font][/i]
[size=1][font=Verdana]The first sentence was probably just a mistake, and that's understandable. The second sentence would sound better as [i]In the middle of the room stood a large tank filled with green water.[/i][/font][/size]
[font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1]The second thing is that the description sometimes seems to focus only on what they're doing, rather than what they're feeling. This means that the reader can't get into the character's head. To fix this, just add bits and pieces telling us what the mood was -- where they nervous? Why? What did so and so think? -- and it should be a lot better. [/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1]The final thing is that your dialogue is always the same. I'll give you an example.[/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font]
[i][font=Verdana][size=1]"Who is she?" He asked.[/size][/font][/i]
[i][font=Verdana][size=1]"Countess Delacroix" She snapped.[/size][/font][/i]
[i][font=Verdana][size=1]"Speech," how they said it.[/size][/font][/i]
[i][font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font][/i]
[font=Verdana][size=1]So just try to mix it up a bit. Her voice was terse. [i]"I don't know".[/i] That sort of thing. Change the sentence structure around and just experiment. [/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1]Other than that, I think it's fine. Well done! ^_^[/size][/font]

[Vicky]

Thanks, I'll keep that in mind for the next few chapters ^^. Well the Second chapter I did I've writen about 10 times over, because the computer refused to save it and Word froze... I was really, really pi**ed. I think I did this before you gave me the advice, I can't really remember, although I went over it one last time and added a few things. Starting from the third chapter, I'm going to use what you told me to my advantage, thanks ^^

[SIZE=1][U][B]Chapter Two:[/B]
The Revel and the Rival[/U]

Kevin still sat on the floor, in front of the tank, which the creature that would save the world was. He failed. That?s all he could think of. The words that would haunt him? He failed. His dreams, his life? his father? he failed. The creature inside the tank? the RIVAL Project, fierce enough to with stand anything? and Kevin failed. Kevin lowered hi hat more, over his face, in shame. Failure! He clenched his fist hard? it was his entire fault? he had the chance to stop the crime after years of war, and now? he failed! His body, head to toe was filled with unstoppable hate and anger. He failed? just like his father.
?You?? Kevin stuttered getting to his feet and pointing at the creature. ?You?re just a failure! Like everything I do! Another weakling! It?s your fault!? Kevin screamed loudly. Once again, he threw his hat across the room, and in anger, he punched the glass of the tank, causing the whole tank to smash. Glass shattered on the floor, and the red water splashed over Kevin?s feet. The creature?s fur was no longer brown, but a light red colour, almost like a pink colour. Its huge fangs still where the thing that stood out. Kevin closed his eyes, in grief. When he opened his eyes, the creature?s eyes opened too. Kevin gasped? he couldn?t move? it was? a miracle. The creature?s eyes where blood red, and its body looked stronger. Kevin backed up, as it stepped on the ground. Its feet where claw-like, along with its hands. And of course, a tail, swaying side to side. Kevin gasped once more.
?Finally?? The creature muttered in a low, shallow voice.
?Y-you?re awake? You sh-how did you??? Kevin shuttered still moving back.
?The chemicals inside that prison kept me asleep. You humans are so dumb. And you believe I?ll help you? No, no. Freewill, you should never have given me that? now?? The creature laughed, looking down at its claw hands. It smiled, showing more huge fangs in its mouth. ?I shall do as I please!? It laughed. Kevin backed away.
?NO!? He shouted. His heartbeat suddenly skipped, in fear. Failure? No, he was now a murderer if this thing did what it said it would do?
?Oh? yes!? The creature laughed evilly, jumping at Kevin. It grabbed his throat, choking Kevin in an instant. Kevin?s eyes widened, he couldn?t move, and the creature continued to squeeze Kevin?s throat. It sank its huge fangs into Kevin?s neck, and Kevin couldn?t even scream for help. He felt the life being sucked out of him? bit by bit? the creature near him went blurry, and everything suddenly went black, and Kevin fell lifeless on the floor.

~

Kevin could hear voices outside his head, but all he could see was darkness. The voices where in too low a mumble for him to hear. Kevin couldn?t even feel his hands, legs, or any part of his body. He could only feel pain? like an arrow shooting through his veins. He could feel the world, his life, slowly slipping from his grasp? but suddenly.
?Kevin! Kevin! Wake up! Please!? A familiar voice shouted, much clearer. Kevin tried to push his eyes open, but couldn?t. The voice kept shouting for him? but he wouldn?t awaken. He couldn?t do it? the pull over his body was too powerful. ?KEVIN!!? The voice shouted loudly. This made Kevin?s eyes shoot open. Everything became clearer, the blazing lights over his head, and Sarah staring down at him. ?You?re alright!? Sarah said smiling. Kevin didn?t move.
?What?s? what?s happened to me?? I feel different?.? Kevin managed to say. He finally got the feel back in his body, and sat up noticing he was still on the floor. The young scientist and the lead one from before came running up with a mirror. Kevin looked deep into the mirror, only to see he had changed a lot. He had spikier hair, much bigger muscles, dark red eyes, pointy ears, short fangs and long sideburns.
?You?ve been bitten by that thing we created! Now you?re the mutation! You?re the one who can stop the war! Save our race!? The young scientist shouted happily, smiling with joy.
?I-I can??? Kevin stuttered. ?Well??
?You can!? Sarah repeated what Kevin said standing up. ?Look behind you!? She added. Kevin adjusted the mirror, and saw behind him? a tail!
?No? this doesn?t make me better? just? different?? Kevin replied sighing. What good were a tail, and all this that had changed? NO good!
?No, not so. The genes in your body reacted differently to the creature?s poison. You have got the power of the creature. That evil thing, you can stop it!? The lead scientist explained.
?I can?? Well? I can?t do it alone? Will you three help me? Young man? what?s your name, yours too, I never asked.? Kevin replied, still a little dizzy and sore around his throat.
?David.? The young man said brushing back his brown hair.
?Aaron.? He lead scientist said. David looked only 20 or so, but Aaron looked around 30. They both wore the long white science coats. Kevin nodded.
?You can?t save the world in that! I know?? Sarah said excited and running off. ?Follow me!? She told them.

~

Kevin smiled happily, looking at the armour he wore in the mirrors. It was shinny silver, and looked as hard as the earth itself. The shoulder wings on it where pointy at the very end, dangerous! The armour went from his head to his toes, literally. The boots however where still silver, but had three massive claws on them. Just like an animal would have. Kevin shook his head.
?No? there?s something missing?? Kevin muttered.
?Hmm? I think I made something else for it? I mean it was for the Project? hang on?? Sarah said running out of the small, dark room. Kevin sighed heavily, and turned to David and Aaron who where sat on chairs in the corner of the small, dark room. ?Here.? Sarah said walking in. She handed Kevin a sort of helmet. All of it silver, and the only hole in it was the eye parts. It was shaped like a dog?s head of some sort, with a much smaller snout. ?It was built for Project RIVAL, but since you?re the new Project? you can try it.? Sarah explained. Kevin examined it some more, and noticed a small hole right at the top, and two places at the side where the ears of the creature would fit. Kevin smiled once more, and put it on. It was okay, and since his ears where pointy now they fit perfectly through the gap. Kevin looked in the mirror once more, but still didn?t like it.
?No?? He muttered.
?Here,? David said walking up. He gave Kevin a pair of red sunglasses, and pulled the three stuck-up hairs through the gap at the top of the helmet. ?Much better, no?? David laughed. Kevin stared down at the glasses, and snapped the red lenses out of them, and fitted them into the eyeholes of the helmet.
?MUCH better.? Kevin said lowering his head making his appearance look a lot? how would you put it?. Cooler??
?Nice look Kev!? David said nodding.
?I?m no longer Kevin Andrews?? Kevin whispered calmly. ?I?m the un-deafeatable rival of my own creation, the Project RIVAL? I am a God, I?m the one who?s going to Rebel against crime? and from this day forward, I shall be known as Revel.?
?Oh, oh, oh! Like Rebels, but with a V and without the S?? David shouted excited.
?Shut up?? Kevin, or Revel as he was now grumbled.[/SIZE]

[I]Oh yes,[/I][URL=http://www.imagetown.net/images/23440749.jpeg]Click here[/URL] [I]to see what some parts of the armour (the boots, helmet and chest plate) would look like, I found it really hard to describe and get what I imagined across. Yes, yes... I drew the picture >.<[/I]