Writing Ocean Blue

[DeadSeraphim]

[COLOR=Indigo][SIZE=1][FONT=Arial Narrow]Tor watched the glistening ocean, the fiery sun reflected off its glassy blue surface as it sank below the horizon. He was sitting on a beautiful sandy beach just outside of Trinity, enjoying the breeze that caressed his pale, sun-bleached blonde hair. His blue eyes, which always betrayed his emotions, showed the calmness and serenity he felt inside watching this beautiful scene as his wife struggled with the birth of their son in a small, dusty room in the Trinity Surgery. He had been informed that it would be a long labour, and he should try to worry about the result as little as possible. So he had decided to come here, Trinity?s most beautiful beach, a place that always calmed his nerves, no matter how frayed they were. The sound of small, uncovered feet running through the sand brought him back to his senses and he turned to see the nurse who was attending to his son?s birth running in the sand toward him, her eyes filled with a look of joy mingled with apprehension and fear. Tor stood up and turned to her.

?Nurse, what has happened? Is my son born?? The nurse stopped in front of him and puffed heavily for a few moments resting her hands on her knees.

?Yes Tor, your son has been born, and its healthy and fit,? the nurse told him.

?What is the problem then? I don?t pretend there isn?t one because I saw the look in your eyes.? Tor noticed the nurse visibly flinched.

?He bears four marks,? the nurse whispered softly, as if there was someone else on the otherwise empty stretch of sand.

?Of all four religions?? Tor shot back in a terse whisper.

?Yes,? the nurse said, ?We must get back to the Surgery before word spreads. Bot your wife and your son?s life may be at risk. Not to mention your own.? Tor nodded in agreement and started running through the dunes, leaving the unfit nurse behind in his dust before long. Without even stopping to observe Gate Protocol (a process which involved showing the guard on duty several cards to prove you were who you said you were) he pounded through the cobbled streets of Trinity, drawing his sword as he went. But he was too late. He could already see the soldiers entering the surgery, which was more than 800 metres ahead of him. Then he heard it. The blood curdling scream of his wife as she was slain before his infant sons eyes.

?Lash!? he cried, salty tears running down his face. He burst through the open doorway of the Surgery and ran down the short corridor to the room where his son had been born. And what he saw set his heart ablaze. Lying in a pool of her own blood and release, her throat slit, was Lash, his wife. A soldier held his son in one hand and had a sword tip placed softly over where the child?s heart would be. The baby was crying loudly, protesting his imminent death with all the power he could muster. ?Nooooo!? Tor cried, feeling a massive surge of power run through him. An untapped supply of strength erupted I him and using speed no human had possessed for over 600 years. His sword lashed out and cut the head of the soldier holding his boy so tenderly?s head off. He stabbed another nearby soldier and left his sword embedded in the man?s chest, preferring to reach out and grab his child before it hit the floor and died anyway. He caught him, but immediately felt a sword plunge through his chest. The sword didn?t stop him. Still accessing the untapped power within him he stood up, with the blade still in his chest and put his baby in the crutch of his left arm. He pulled his sword from the soldier he had left in with his right hand and beheaded the soldier who currently had his own sword embedded in Tor?s chest. Five soldiers had come to the Surgery and Tor easily killed the remaining two that were left with quick, deadly slashes. Still with the sword in him he walked out of the surgery and met the nurse in the street. Stepping back he vomited up a gutful of black blood, watching hazily as it slipped between the cracks in the cobblestones. His sword fell from his hand and picked up his baby boy and looked at him, finding all four of the marks. The marks that had started all of this. The marks that sealed his fate as the saviour of the world, but were commonly recognized as the mark of the demon lord Disaster. All children born with even one of the marks were killed, along with their mothers. All children except for this one. Except for Tor?s boy. Except for Sparda. Handing him to the nurse he said,

?Look after him, look after him until he is thirteen years old and then turn him out onto the street. Goodbye Sparda.? He planted a kiss on the babe?s forehead and stepped back. ?Go,? he commanded the nurse, ?run!? The nurse started running as fast as she could through the streets towards the West Gate, the gate that would lead them to the Delta road, which would lead them to Delta City, which would save them. Delta city was so large that noone would notice two extra residents, even if they did bear the marks. Tor looked up and down the street. No soldiers were coming. It was a good sign. Tor walked back into the Surgery and received his wife?s corpse, and started walking slowly down the street, towards the ocean. Night had fallen when he stumbled onto the sandy beach where he had first heard the new of his son?s birth. Slowly, in agonizing pain he go himself to the water?s edge. He lay his wife in the water, with her hands on her chest, and lay beside her. It was low tide, so when high tide came he and his wife would drift out to sea with it. He closed his eyes and was engulfed in a pleasant sensation, and a beautiful blue, an ocean blue?


~CrH~[/FONT][/SIZE][/COLOR]

[Lady Asphyxia]

[size=1]I liked it. It had a backstory and a story to follow, which is good. The only thing I found was that the action could be made better. I'll show you the changes I've made that I think would make it better.[/size]

[quote]

[size=1][font=Verdana][size=1][color=indigo]?Lash!? he cried, salty tears running down his face. He burst through the open doorway of the Surgery and ran down the short corridor to the birthing room where his son had been born. And What he saw set his heart ablaze. Lying in a pool of her own blood and release, her throat slit, was Lash, his wife. A soldier held his son in one hand. He had a sword tip placed softly over where the child?s heart would be. The baby was crying loudly, protesting his imminent death with all the power he could muster. ?Nooooo!? Tor cried, feeling a massive surge of power run through him. An untapped supply of strength erupted inside him. and Using speed no human had possessed for over 600 years, his sword lashed out. and cut the head of the soldier holding his boy so tenderly?s head off *. He stabbed another nearby soldier and left his sword embedded in the man?s chest, preferring to reach out and grab his child before it [it is to impersonal. This guy is fighting for his child's life, so use 'he'] hit the floor and died anyway. Tor caught him, but immediately felt a sword plunge through his chest. The sword didn?t stop him. Still accessing the untapped power[/color][/size][color=#4b0082] within him he stood up[color=red].[/color] [strike]with the/strike] Blade still in his chest, he [strike]and[/strike] [color=red]secured[/color] his baby in the crutch of his left arm. He pulled his sword from the soldier he had left in with his right free hand and beheaded [color=red]killed[/color] the soldier who [color=red]had wounded him.[/color] currently had his own sword embedded in Tor?s chest. [/color]
[/font][/size][/quote][font=Verdana][size=1][color=#4b0082][color=black]See, the problem I found was that your sentences were too long for what they were describing. When you write action scenes, the sentences need to reflect the fast paced actions they're describing, which means short punchy sentences. [/color][/color][/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]* I got rid of this bit because the syntax sounded wrong. A better sentence would be [i]his sword lashed out and the soldier's head toppled to the floor[/i], or something along those lines. [/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]Otherwise, it was great! ^_^[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]EDIT -- The editor decided to hate me, so the red where I showed what I'd done has gone away. *sigh* Sorry.[/size][/font]