Writing Zanith to Otherworld

[Skye]

[FONT=Franklin Gothic Medium][SIZE=2][COLOR=Orange]Okay. I wrote a story, and I'm going to put it up a bit at a time. Criticism would be helpful, and praise is good, too. Here we go![/COLOR]

[COLOR=Red]It was dark. And cold. And the whole room smelled of chemicals and plastic. Large blue orbs blinked as they adjusted to the light. From the center of the room came an eerie pulsing glow. It came from a large tube - a large clear tube. The tube was filled with a green liquid, and curled in the middle was a ball of feathers. The tube was about three feet wide, five feet high, and made of glass and metal.

The blue eyes moved slowly towards the tube, moving around tables, cabinets, and other empty tubes. The eyes made it to the tube, and a small, webbed, four fingered hand reached out to touch the tube. The light from the liquid bathed the frail-looking hand, wrist, and arm. Its skin was a white-green, pale, and see through.

The creature moved closer, and soon its whole body was touched by the light. The creature had pale skin onits whole body, but it became less see through as it went along its body. It had an oval head, huge eyes, and no mouth. Its ears were elf-like, pointed, but became spiked, and webbed. It had four limbs, and sat like a dog. The hands and feet were webbed, and four fingered and toed. The fish-like body ended in a long, powerful tail that ended in a fin that was a light blue.

The glow became brighter, and the creature stood, a full 6 feet tall. It pressed close to the tube, its huge blue eyes glowing and blinking. The bundle of feathers uncurled, and a body like the creatures emerged. It was smaller, about two feet long, hand a feathered tail, a beak, and no ears. It was more bird-like than fish-like.

The large eyes of the creature - a Taa'nni - blinked, and it whirled around, silent. Its tail touched nothing. Another click, and the door swung open. A young red-headed woman stepped through the door.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

[Muad'Dib]

[COLOR=DarkOliveGreen]O_O woah... very nice! I've read your other stories, and this seems to be the best! Though it hasn't progressed far yet, so I can't say so for sure. The best part is, you can almost invision the little dark room, and you describe the creature incredibly accurately!

One thing I can say for criticism, is that you repeated some words too often, such as 'tube'. You would call it 'tube' whenever it was mentioned, witch isn't a bd thing, but is a little repetitive. Try using 'it' or find another word for tube that you can mix in there.

Otherwise, perfect ~_^[/COLOR]

[Skye]

[FONT=Franklin Gothic Medium][SIZE=2][COLOR=orange]How about 'tube'? Nah. Well, the story is alreayd pretty far past the tube thing... so... yeah...[/COLOR]

[COLOR=Red]The woman froze. Her eyes went wide at what she saw. She finally managed to scream - a scream that only she heard, and the Taa'nni anticipated. It had put a sound block around her mentally. It blinked at her as she swallowed another scream.

[i]You will release her.[/i]

The woman gulped, tears running down her face. "But I can't!" The Taa'nni's eyes were still calm.

[i]You will release her.[/i]

"You don't understand! She'll kill me if I do!" The Taa'nni walked over to her, weaving around the tools and things. It looked at her.

[i]You will release her, or I will release her. You do so, and she attacks you, I will protect you.[/i]

The woman relaxed slightly.

[i]I do, and she attacks you, I will allow her to.[/i]

The woma stiffened again. THen she sighed, and slowly walked towards the tube, then past it, to a consol. "There are two ways," she said, eyes trained on the tube. "Break the glass, leave her with wet wings, and sudden air. Messy, and harmful to her. Option two is to drain the tube, then release her. Its takes longer, but she is most likely to live this way." She glanced at the Taa'nni.

"What shall I call you?"

The blue golbes blinked at her. [i]I am Taniralucas. Lucas. Male.[/i]

The red-head blushed. She placed her figners on teh dials on the consol, and started to turn them. "I am called Tanya. Female." She added the last bit to his benefit. He blinked at her, but said nothing.

They were in a small glass room, and could see out into the other room where the tube was. The grene liquid was making its way out of the tube, and a fan started whirring.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

[Muad'Dib]

*bum-bum-BUM* The plot thickens! lol

Anyway... fascinating set-up you've got going. The only error I can see at the moment is a few mis-spellings, but I think those were just accidents ^^

Can't wait to find out the rest of the plot! No, really, it's very interesting.

(I feel lonely being the onyl one posting... lol)

[Skye]

[FONT=Franklin Gothic Medium][SIZE=2][COLOR=Orange]It makes mee feel bad that no one likes it enough to even look at it. :bawl: Oh, well. They were typos. I had a brainstorm, and was typing fast before it disappeared...[/COLOR]

[COLOR=Red]It was almost 1/2 way done when the door slammed open to the room with the tube. Tanya glanced up from the dials. "Lucas! Don't let them reach me or the tube!" Lucas launched into action as seven men poured into the room, guns and knives in hand. Two attempted to get to Tanya in the glass room, when Lucas' tail intercepted them in a powerful sweep. They flew back into the wall, and hit the ground with solid thuds.

The otehr five spread out, two of them with guns raised. Tanya was panicing. The tube was almost fully drained, and the fan was picking up speed. The little creature inside was stretching her wings, drying them when the liquid was gone. The tube was filled with air, drying her wings.

Lucas sprang forward, and slashed at one mans face. He dropped his gun with a howl of pain, dropping to the ground. [i]I have poisoned him, Tanya. He will not live. How much longer?[/i] Tnaya muttered, "I'm trying. I'm going as fast as I can without harming her!" Lucas sprang at the otehrs, dodging knife swipes, and bullets. One found its way to his shoulder, and the Taa'nni howled, his tail snapping his attacker in half.

Tanya shouted, "There!" The tube opened, and the small Kilan'iira flew out, her wings dry. SHe attacked the rest of the men, who howled in pain, then were silent as they thudded to the floor. SHe dove on them, and devoured one mans head. SHe hovered in the air, licking blood from her lips. She turned to Tanya, who had turned off the machine, and left the room. [i]Thank you, human. Taniralucas, we must leave. But we must take her with us.[/i]

Lucas nodded. [i]Of course, Lauralanthalasa. Tanya, call her Laurana.[/i]

Tanya held her breath, and nodded, pale. She stepped over the charcasses of her dead fellow workers. She recognized one. Lucas turned to her, taking her hand(which seemed small in comparison) in one of his, and Laurana stood on her shoulder. Her wings closed in around Tanya's head, and all the woman saw was feathers. She felt arms around her waist, then a fuzzy sensation...[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

[Muad'Dib]

^.^ Fuzzy sensation! Yaay! *ahem* anyway... you know, I should let someone else post...

Alright, very good yet again! One thing that threw the story off, is that those two creatures (Lucas and Laurana) have started talking a bit too human-like. When Lucas first started talking to Tanya, it was in a series of semi-imcomplete sentences that kind of alienated him. They're obviously still rather strange, but have lost that "speech impediment".

Grade A plot though!

[Skye]

[QUOTE=FirePheonix727]^.^ Fuzzy sensation! Yaay! *ahem* anyway... you know, I should let someone else post...

Alright, very good yet again! One thing that threw the story off, is that those two creatures (Lucas and Laurana) have started talking a bit too human-like. When Lucas first started talking to Tanya, it was in a series of semi-imcomplete sentences that kind of alienated him. They're obviously still rather strange, but have lost that "speech impediment".

Grade A plot though![/QUOTE]
Thankeesmuchness, Jacob-chan!

About: Tanya picked up on that, too. They are fast, and very smart, so Lucas picked up the language fast. Laurana has lived in a tube her whole liife(with the natural instincts) around humans, so she knows it by heart.

Okay, helpful critisism? And who else likes it so far?

EDIT: Okay, I'm going to put up some more...

[FONT=Franklin Gothic Medium][SIZE=2][COLOR=Red]Tanya blinked as she woke. Light met her eyes - sunlight, not werelight like they used in the City. She blinked, and tried to sit; but, finding that she couldn't, she blinked again.

[i]She's awake.[/i]

[i]Go get Taniralucas. And Lauralanthalasa.[/i]

[i]But what about the human?[/i]

[i]She is not dangerous, she cannot move. Now go![/i]

There was a mental grumble, and then someone helped Tanya sit up. She blinked again, and a face like Lucas' came into focus. The Taa'nni backed up, and Tanya could tell it was female. It had considerable chest, and her eyes were slanted.

[i]Shade and Water, human called Tanya.[/i]

Tanya started. "H-hello. WHo are you?"

The large oval head bowed respectfully. [i]I am Mirikutanthalas. Miriku, since it is easier for you humans to understand. My friend has gone to get your friends.[/i]

Tanya blinked again, and looked around. She was sitting with ehr back to a tree(a real tree! Not a synthetic one!), and sunlight was filtering through the leaves. Her mouth dropped in bewilderment. She had thought that the tales of the Otherworld were only myths, that they weren't real.

[i]It is real, Tanya. Your human city of metal and chemicals is deceiving. This does exsist, it is no dream.[/i][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

[Muad'Dib]

Weeeee! Now we've got the "synthetic city" thing! Yay! So it's one of those stories of how humans have shut themselves away in their technology, while real life becomes mythology... fascinating.