Writing Idiots of the Three Kingdoms (WARNING: crude humor)

[G/S/B Master]

If I mean ADULT MATERIAL I do MEAN ADULT MATERIAL! If you guys want some more chapters, then it'll get to Adult material SLOWLY. Well not really, since we're only using that kind of material in jokes ^_^.

This story is created by ZhangJunyi, an author that made this story. And I'm going to share it to to you! Remember, I did not make this story. If it's good, then I might supply more chapters. If not, well screw that XD. This is kept in it's original format. I like to put in one more thing. IT'S A FRIGGIN PARODY OF THE THREE KINGDOM ERA! :). Now thats settle, Lets begin ^____^;;;;;

Chapter 1: Yellow Awesomeness Rebellion

The Rise of the Yellow Awesomeness

"War was beginning in China... a rebellion was the start of the story of the war between three kingdoms."

Zhang Jiao: We shall start a rebellion to begin the story of the three kingdoms! Yeah!

"The Yellow Turbans-"

Zhang Jiao: Scarves!

"The Yellow Scarves-"

Zhang Jiao: Wait! I liked Turbans better.

"...The Yellow Turbans-"

Zhang Jiao: No... Scarves definitely sound better.

"...The Yellow Scarves-"

Zhang Jiao: You know what... why don't we just choose something else? I mean, who uses scarves? How about... Yellow Awesomeness!

"...Erm, sure. The Yellow Awesomeness started a rebellion. Their leader, Zhang Jue-"

Zhang Jiao: Wait! Why am I called Zhang Jue?

"It's your name, dumbass."

Zhang Jiao: No no no... the people at Koei called me Zhang Jiao. People may get confused if they hear me referred to as Zhang Jue.

"...Like the DW4 n00bs?"

Zhang Jiao: Exactly!

"...Fine. Anyway, the Yellow Awesomeness leader, Zhang Jiao, along with his brothers started getting many followers to join them."

Zhang Jiao: Everyone! You can leave your drab lives and join the Yellow Awesomeness rebellion!

Peasants: ...Who cares? Our lives are good enough.

Zhang Jiao: ...No they aren't! If you don't join us then, errr... God will ruin your crops... and... and burn down your houses and... errr... rape and kill your wives!

Zhang Bao: And children!

*Zhang Jiao and Liang stare at Zhang Bao*

Zhang Bao: ...Just the boys.

*Zhang Jiao and Liang keep staring*

Peasants: No he won't! Stupid wannabe mystic bastard... God wouldn't do any of those things!

Zhang Jiao: You shall regret this! Come my brothers!

"So that night, their crops were burnt and their wives were raped and killed... so were the boys."

Peasants: Zhang Jiao! We apologize for not believing in you, oh mystic one! We shall join your rebellion!

Zhang Jiao: Excellent! Welcome to the Yellow-

Zhang Bao: Bring the boys too! We'll have a party!

Zhang Jiao: Ok, brother Bao... just no, alright?

Zhang Bao: ...But I have Elton John's best hits.

Zhang Jiao: We know, we know...

Peasants: Will we get to see magic though!? We wanna see magic!

Zhang Jiao: ...Wasn't it enough that we-

*Zhang Liang whispers something into Zhang Jiao's ear*

Zhang Jiao: I mean, that God did all those horrible deeds?

Peasants: But... if you really were followers of God, couldn't you do magic?

Zhang Jiao: You dare deny that we are truly mystic followers of god!?

Peasants: ...Yeah.

Zhang Jiao: ...Errr, well, come back tonight. The Zhang brothers shall show you the power of our maaaaaagic!

Peasants: w00t! Magic! Yeeeeeah!

*The peasants disperse and the Zhang brothers huddle.*

Zhang Liang: ...You do know we can't do any magic, right?

Zhang Bao: I could show the boys my magic... in bed.

Zhang Jiao: ...Quit talking brother, please. To be honost, you weird me and Liang out. We only brought you with us because mom said to.

Zhang Bao: ...Is that true?

Zhang Liang: Well yeah... What did you expect? You are a little *cough* odd... to say the least.

Zhang Bao: Do you guys know how much that hurts?

Zhang Jiao: Ok ok, look... can we just start thinking of an idea?

Zhang Bao: ...Does it involve the molestation of small boys?

Zhang Jiao: ...Who wants to vote out Zhang Bao? Aye!

Zhang Liang: Aye!

Zhang Bao: ...Nay?

Zhang Jiao: Oop, two against one. You may apply to be the next Zhang brother at a later date. Good bye.

Zhang Bao: ...I'm telling mom!

*Zhang Bao runs away crying while Jiao and Liang discuss.*

"Later that night..."

Zhang Jiao: Now... are you sure that everything is going to work?

Zhang Liang: Of course. These simpletons won't suspect a thing!

Zhang Jiao: Excellent...

*Zhang Jiao steps out from the curtains to the audience of peasants cheering.*

Zhang Jiao: My people! We have got some treat for you... I will float in the air.

*Gasps and awes from the audience.*

Zhang Jiao: While spraying fire from my mouth!

Audience: Ooooooh!

Zhang Jiao: Over a pit of spikes!

Audience: WE LOVE YOU ZHANG JIAO!

Zhang Jiao: Now watch in awe! ...WATCH IN AWE! ...WATCH IN F**KING AWE!

Zhang Liang: Sorry! Errr... chirp!

*Zhang Jiao takes a swig of alcohol as Zhang Liang starts to use a fishing rod and fishing lines to pull up Zhang Jiao from the top of the stage. Slowly, a pit of spikes is revealed below them. The audience gasps and awes. Suddenly, Zhang Bao comes to the top of the stage.*

Zhang Bao: Brother Liang... I came to say I was sorry.

Zhang Liang: Err... this isn't a good time!

Zhang Bao: No... I was thinking, maybe some of my obsessions are a little odd. Maybe I could try to tone them down a little.

Zhang Liang: That's... nice... Zhang Jiao is heavy... Help me pull him up!

Zhang Bao: Please brother... My therapist told me that hugs help all relationships.

Zhang Liang: DON'T YOU DARE!

Zhang Bao: Brother! Don't deny our brotherly love!

*Zhang Jiao covers his mouth and takes a lighter to it. It catches on his beard and seconds later, his whole body goes up in flames.*

Zhang Jiao: AAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

*Zhang Bao hugs Zhang Liang and he drops the fishing rod so Zhang Jiao falls onto the spikes, not moving.*

Zhang Liang: OH MY GOD! YOU FLAMING IDIOT!

Zhang Bao: What? WHAT!?

*Zhang Liang and Zhang Bao look over from the top seeing a motionless ball of fire impaled on the spikes. The audience stares with their mouths dropped at the happenings.*

Zhang Liang: ...Aaah. Ta da?

*The audience starts to cheer and gives them a standing ovation. Zhang Liang and Bao look at each other in surprise and then go down to get medical help for their brother.*

"That is how the Yellow Awesomeness got their followers. Somehow Zhang Jiao lived... don't ask because the author doesn't even know either. And the story of Three Kingdoms has started."

[PWNED]

It's funny did you just change it so it had humour in it because I don't remeber Legends of the three kingdoms like this.
Please post more because it gave me a good laugh.

[G/S/B Master]

Like I said about the story, IT'S A PARODY! The only editing I did is so that the F word can be reconized. Now here's chapter 2!

Chapter 2: Oath Brothers Unite!

"Meanwhile, the Han Emperor Liu Xie heard about the uprising of The Yellow Awesomeness, and was very worried."

Liu Xie: I have heard about the uprising of the Yellow Awesomeness, and I am very worried.

"So Liu Xie sent three Imperial Corps generals, Zhu Jun..."

Zhu Jun: Yo.

"Huangfu Song..."

Huangfu Song: How's it goin'?!

"and Lu Zhi."

Lu Zhi: Meet me in room 14... I'll have the money... Oh, and don't forget to bring those toys... SH!T! YOU DIDN'T HEAR THAT!

".............anyway, the Regent Marshal, He Jin was always in control."

He Jin: Yeah... that's right. I PWN you bihatches! PWN YOU!

"...I hate my job. Anywho, the hero of our story-"

ZhangJunyi: No no no... he dies remember? How can he be the hero?

"Well I just assumed-"

ZhangJunyi: No, you don't assume, you listen to me... WHORE!

"...fine, nevertheless, the guy who isn't the hero, but will be focused on for this entire story, Liu Bei, has found out about the call of arms and felt sad that he wasn't serving his emperor in his time of need."

Liu Bei: I feel sad that I am not serving my emperor in his time of need.

???: Stop crying you baby!

Liu Bei: ...I'm not a baby!

???: Oh yeah?

*The mysterious man kicks Liu Bei in the package. Liu Bei falls to his knees with tears running down his eyes.*

Zhang Fei: I am the bully 'round here, baby. I'm Zhang Fei, style name, Yide. Hehehe... that rhymed. I'm clever.

Liu Bei: I see...

*Liu Bei stands up and gives Zhang Fei a titty twister. Fei starts crying instantly.*

Zhang Fei: Ow ow ow ow! Titty twister! Ow!

Liu Bei: Ha! Who is the baby now!?

Zhang Fei: I see you are a brave man coming after me like this. What is your name?

Liu Bei: My name is Liu Bei, conqueror of evil! Doer of good! Feared by a-

Zhang Fei: Yeah, I just wanted your name.

Liu Bei: Sorry... I just sort of got into it...

Zhang Fei: Yeah yeah, it happens to the best of us.

*Awkward pause.*

Liu Bei: *cough* Yeah, so... I was sad because I wanted to defeat the bandits, and I can't without troops.

Zhang Fei: Hey, what a coincidence! I wanted to KILL THINGS as well... KILL THEM good.

Liu Bei: ...alrighty, but how could we get more people to join us?

Zhang Fei: Well, I have resources to recruit people in this area.

Liu Bei: Oh?

Zhang Fei: Yeah.

*Zhang Fei walks over to some peasant and starts speaking with him, then smacks him across the face and drags him by his neck back to Liu Bei.*

Zhang Fei: I got a new volunteer!

Peasant: Please don't hurt me... I have a wife and kids! And those Zhang Brothers scare me and-

Zhang Fei: QUIET WEAKLING!

*Zhang Fei kicks the peasant in the face while the peasant starts weeping.*

Liu Bei: ...super! Welcome to Xuande's band of merry men!

Zhang Fei: ...merry men?

Liu Bei: Yeah, is there something wrong with it?

Zhang Fei: Well, when you say merry, one would think...

Liu Bei: Oh noooo... nooo... I'm not like that, but I just thought...

Zhang Fei: No, it's ok. But how about we just say Xuande's men?

Liu Bei: ...it sounds good, but then it's like I own you and you and you perform certain sexual tasks for...

Zhang Fei: Errr... let's work on the name some other time.

Liu Bei: Agreed. ...Wanna get a drink?

Zhang Fei: Come Liu Bei... I will get us free drinks at the local bar.

*Zhang Fei walks into a bar with Liu Bei and goes to the bartender.*

Zhang Fei: DRINK! NOW! KILL!

Bartender: ...are you going to let me live?

Zhang Fei: DRINK! NOW! KILL!

Bartender: Please, I don't want to die!

Zhang Fei: SHUT UP! DRINK! NOW! KILL!

*Bartender gives Zhang Fei and Liu Bei a drink while whimpering.*

Bartender: That'll be-

*Zhang Fei punches the bartender in the face while taking a drink of beer.*

???: Hey! Don't hurt that random person!

Zhang Fei: ...why?

???: ...well I never thought of that, but I'm just getting used to this whole being a good guy thing.

Zhang Fei: Oh?

???: Yeah, the whole redeeming crap isn't what it used to be. See, I killed this one guy-

Zhang Fei: Yo, Liu Bei! This guy killed someone! Let him join pleeeeease!

Liu Bei: *hick* Hehehehe... killing is good! Kill that elephant in the corner... it's hitting that Panda with an oversized mallet! Hehehehe! *hick*

Zhang Fei: ...alrighty, join us you very large man who kills things!

Guan Yu: My surname is Guan. My given name is Yu; my style, Changsheng, which I changed to Yunchang because it didn't really fit. I mean, Guan Changsheng... Guan Yunchang. Guan Chengsheng is lame.

Zhang Fei: Yeah... Changsheng sucks!

Guan Yu: Are you insulting my style?

Zhang Fei: ...you said Yunchang was your style?

Guan Yu: BI***! I'LL KILL YOU!

Zhang Fei: Woah! You are a very large man who could kill me by stepping down on my... not... big... ness... DON'T HURT ME!

Guan Yu: Seeing you cry is enough! Baby!

Zhang Fei: Yeah... well...

*Zhang Fei kicks him in the package*

Guan Yu: OUCHKABIBBLES!

Zhang Fei: Hahahaha! Who's crying now!?

Guan Yu: Cheap blow! Now you're done!

Liu Bei: Hey... *hick* Hey fellahs... let's not fight... fighting sucks! Fighting is t3h su><0rz... wheeeee 1337! Not even invented yet... hehehehehe... I feel sickies... oooh mouth tastes...

*Liu Bei vomits on Zhang Fei. Guan Yu points and laughs at Zhang Fei. Zhang Fei vomits on Guan Yu. They all start laughing while the whole bar stares at them.*

Zhang Fei: Hey- Hey- Hey! You guys! *hick* There's this place... behind-

Guan Yu: Hahahahaha! You said behind!

*All three laugh drunkenly.*

Zhang Fei: No... no guys... seriously, there's this place behind-

Guan Yu: You said it again! Hahahahaaha!

*All three laugh again.*

Zhang Fei: Let's go to that *hick* place... it's like... peachy! Hahaha! Peachy... because... it's a peach garden!

*All three laugh once more*

Liu Bei: D-dude... that was lame!

*All three laugh and get up to go to Zhang Fei's house.*

"And thus... the future Oath Brothers have met each other. They all drunk the night away... they didn't remember anything about it the next day. But their a*ses were very sore. Zhang Fei's mother couldn't fall asleep do to some "odd" noises... Anyway, the next day, they woke up complaining about their a*ses and had a major headache. These three became such good friends that they decided to swear an oath of brotherhood. The three of them tried three times to make the oath, each taking one day."

Day 1:

Liu Bei: Alright, since I am officially the leader-

Guan Yu: Heeeey! I want to be the leadeeeeeer!

Zhang Fei: So do I!

Liu Bei: Look, let's vote on it. I vote for me...

Guan Yu: I vote for myself.

Zhang Fei: I vote for me too.

Liu Bei: ...damn! It's a tie!

Guan Yu: I have an idea! Eeny... meany... miney-

Zhang Fei: Wait! Eeny counts as two!

Liu Bei: No it doesn't! It counts as one! It's one word!

Guan Yu: Yeah!

Zhang Fei: No! It's one for syllable!

Liu Bei: Fine fine! Let's do it the easy way... Rock paper scissors!

Zhang Fei & Guan Yu: Fine.

All: Rock Paper Scissors SHOOT!

*All put in Rock.*

All: DAMN! Rock paper scissors SHOOT!

*All put in Paper.*

All: DAMN! Rock paper scissors...

"So they kept doing that for twelve hours until Liu Bei knocked them out and woke them up saying he won. The next day, they tried again. This time, they all brought what they needed to sacrifice. Guan Yu had an ox, Liu Bei a white horse, and Zhang Fei fruits and vegetables."

Day 2:

Liu Bei: Ah, Guan Yu... have you seen Fei?

Guan Yu: No... he went to get his sacrifices.

*Zhang Fei comes in with red and green stains on his clothes and seeds in his beard.*

Zhang Fei: Sorry I was late guys.

Liu Bei: That's alright, did you bring the sa-

Zhang Fei: It was pretty funny... I was in the middle of picking fruits and vegetables and I was getting hungry so I ate them. I forgot why I went to get them though.

Guan Yu & Liu Bei: ...

*Liu Bei tackles Zhang Fei and starts to beat the bajeezus out of him.*

"Finally, Liu Bei finally got too tired with punching that he fell asleep after a long ten hours. By that time, Guan Yu went home and Zhang Fei fell asleep from Liu Bei's sissy slaps."

Day 3:

Liu Bei: Finally, we have the horse... the ox... and the fruits and vegetables.

Guan Yu: Yes... thanks to someone not being trusted with a task of collecting them!

Zhang Fei: ...was it my fault I was hungry?

Liu Bei: YES!

Zhang Fei: ...point.

Liu Bei: *sigh* Ok... lemme see here.

*Liu Bei takes out "Oath Brothers for Dummies"*

Liu Bei: "We three, though of seperate ancestry..." Screw it, we're oath brothers. If anyone asks, we read this whole thing.

Guan Yu: Yeah! We're brothers! I love you guuuuuuys!

Liu Bei & Zhang Fei: ...

Guan Yu: ...not the thing to say after what happened a few nights ago, gotcha.

Liu Bei: Let us drink up to brotherhood!

Guan Yu: FOR BROTHERS!

Zhang Fei: FOR MANSLAUGHTER!

Liu Bei & Guan Yu: ...

Liu Bei: Don't you mean brothers?

Zhang Fei: Yeah... what did I say?

"And so the brothers have been united... the three heros-"

ZhangJunyi: Do I need to get another narrator? Didn't I tell you that once before?

"Jeesh sorry, the three people who we will be focusing on this story have united. And so, the Legacy of Liu Bei and Shu has begun. Better?"

ZhangJunyi: Much ^.^

[starlight]

That's hilarious! I love it, very cool. It had me laughing pretty hard, (yes I do have a dirty mind...bad me)I have never heard of the three kingdom era, but this parody rocks! Could you post more of it, please?

[G/S/B Master]

OK Chapter 3.....

Chapter 3: Liu Bei's First Battle

"So as the Oath Brothers took time to know each other... Zhang Jiao was busy recovering from the 3rd degree burns... and the impale wounds. Before the three oath brothers left the town, they each got a weapon made just for them. Guan Yu got Green-"

Guan Yu: Blue!

"Guan Yu got a Blue-"

Guan Yu: Black!

"...Guan Yu got a Black-"

Guan Yu: Wait! Koei switches around the names of the weapon too much! The book, it's green. Dynasty Warriors, it's blue. And Kessen II, it's black.

"...well Kessen II was messed up. I mean, look at it!"

Guan Yu: Yeah... so can I have my own color? I want... The Aqua Marine Dragon halberd!

"...I really hate my job. Anyway, Guan Yu got an Aqua Marine Dragon hal-"

Guan Yu: No, wait, I have it! The Aqua Marine MOON Dragon Saber!

". . .Fu** this. I'm moving on to Liu Bei. Liu Bei got two matching swords-"

Liu Bei: Wait a second... in Dynasty Warriors I use one!

"Well yeah, but the book says-"

Liu Bei: Yeah I know... so maybe we should even it out... make it one and a half swords!

"...You must be joking."

Liu Bei: Nope! I want to cut half that blade off... right down the middle!

"...fine fine. Liu Bei had one and a half swords made for him. Zhang Fei's spear was made wrong though, but he doesn't seem to mind. He took the blacksmith for a few (actually... many) drinks and when they went back, the blacksmith was so intoxicated that he couldn't see straight. Finally, they left the town where they all met. They all said some goodbyes. Well, actually... only Zhang Fei did."

Zhang Fei's Mom: Ok baby, I packed some sandwhiches for you and your friends and I packed all your clothes too.

Zhang Fei: Thanks mommy!

Zhang Fei's Mom: Now remember to brush your teeth twice a day! No cavities for you.

Zhang Fei: Yes mom...

Zhang Fei's Mom: And remember to take a shower every day. Wash behind your ears.

Zhang Fei: Mom! I'm a grown man!

Zhang Fei's Mom: No you aren't... you are still my little boy.

Zhang Fei: *sigh* I love you mom... bye.

*Zhang Fei's mom breaks into tears and runs away. The three brothers then walk off to begin their journey.*

Guan Yu: *snickers*

Zhang Fei: What?

Liu Bei: *snickers also*

Zhang Fei: What is it?

Guan Yu: Nothing... mama's boy! AHAHAHAHAHA!

*Liu Bei and Guan Yu laugh loudly while Zhang Fei hangs his head.*

Zhang Fei: Yeah... well... at least I didn't have sex with each other! Ahaaa! Ahahahaha!

Guan Yu: *cough* Erm... yes you did... we all did...

Liu Bei: ...what did we say about mentioning that? Now we'll be in an awkward silence for the rest of the walk!

Zhang Fei: Errr... sorry...

*The three oath brothers then walked the rest of the way, in awkward silence.*

"Finally, Liu Bei and the others go find Liu Yan, Liu Bei's uncle. They wished to work and fight for him."

Liu Yan: Hello... do I know you three gentlemen?

Liu Bei: Yes, I'm your nephew, Bei!

Liu Yan: Bei... Bei... doesn't ring a bell. Thanks for stopping by. Now please exit yourselves, I have battles to lose. *sigh*

Liu Bei: Uh... wait! Me and my friends are the greatest warriors in the land! We can beat these rebels with one swipe!

Zhang Fei: ...can we kill things now?

Liu Bei: Shut up...

Liu Yan: ...Oooooh nephew! I remember you now! How much I love you my brother or sister's son... Now go off and kill them all.

Zhang Fei: Alriiiight killing time!

*Guan Yu smacks Zhang Fei upside the head and they all walk out onto the battle field.*

Guan Yu: Brother... do you think that we should have asked your uncle for some troops?

Liu Bei: Nonsense... they are a bunch of rebels! How many could there be?

*Suddenly, a giant wave of soldiers comes over a hill.*

Liu Bei: ...wow, did I call that wrong.

Guan Yu: Erm... how would a tactical exit sound?

Liu Bei: Wait... I am in the middle of thinking...

Guan Yu: Lord! We need your approval, like now! They are right there!

Liu Bei: I order you to shut the hell up and let me think!

Guan Yu: ...they are almost here!

Liu Bei: Hey... I don't think my uncle remembered me at all!

Guan Yu: Of course he didn't! He just wanted us to come and fight blindly for him!

Liu Bei: God dammit! I knew it! Stupid... stupid!

Guan Yu: Might I suggest a swift retreat now!?

Zhang Fei: Ha! Retreat like dogs with their tails between their legs! The Oath Brothers would never do such a thing! Right? Right?!

*Zhang Fei turns around to see he's alone.*

Zhang Fei: Awww... nut bunnies.

Deng Mao: Ha! A lone soldier sent to defeat an entire hoard! I shall deal with you myself!

*Zhang Fei squeals like a little girl and curls into a little ball with his spear sticking up.*

Deng Mao: Die for the Yellow Awesomeness!

*Deng Mao's horse then stops due to how horrible the name Yellow Awesomeness sounds and kicks Deng Mao off. Deng Mao flies through the air and lands on Zhang Fei's spear, impaled through the chest.*

Rebel: *gasp* That... that man sucking his thumb and whining actually killed Deng Mao! Screw this! Let God kill our crops, burn our houses and rape and kill the women... and boys.

*All the Yellow Awesomeness soldiers retreat, leaving none still there.*

Zhang Fei: ...they... they are gone! Ha! I have defeated the rebels single handedly! Fear Zhang Fei! Ahahahahaha-

*Chen Yuanzhi runs back and chucks a rock at Zhang Fei's head, knocking him out.*

Chen Yuanzhi: Jerk! Deng Mao was my friend/companion/lover... I mean not lover! Damn! I wasn't supposed to come out of the closet! Now to kill- Wait... way of peace... damn! Now to hurt your friends!

"Meanwhile with Liu Bei and Guan Yu..."

Guan Yu: Do you think he'll be ok?

Liu Bei: Who gives a damn! He's not our brother for real!

Chen Yuanzhi: I shall errr... hurt you two real bad!

Guan Yu: Shoot! He's coming after us! What should we do?

Liu Bei: Well... you aren't my real brother either so...

*Liu Bei kicks Guan Yu off his horse and keeps riding off. Guan Yu quickly gets up with his weapon and turns his head to the side with his eyes closed and swings his Aqua Marine Moon Dragon Saber around randomly.*

Chen Yuanzhi: You think you can kill me with such an unorganized attack! DIE! Errr... GET HURT!

*Guan Yu keeps swinging randomly, much faster now. Eventually, Chen Yuanzhi gets ready to swipe at him and gets chopped in half.*

Guan Yu: Is... is he dead yet?

Liu Bei: Erm... I think he's dead.

*Liu Bei walks up with a stick and pokes the left half of Cheng Yuanzhi's corpse*

Guan Yu: Oh... oh god... I feel...

*Guan Yu runs away and vomits behind a tree.*

"Meanwhile, later that day after their victory..."

Liu Yan: Good job my men! You have defeated the Yellow Awesomeness!

Liu Bei: ...do you even know my name?

Liu Yan: ...sure I do... it's, erm... Great job with defeating the rebels!

Liu Bei: Wait, you didn't ans-

Liu Yan: What? You want to go into another battle... guards! Escort them to the battle field!

Liu Bei: Hey... wait a second!

*The guards shove Liu Bei and the others out of the room.*

"Later on the battlefield, Liu Bei, Guan Yu, and Zhang Fei are outnumbered again. They cower on the top of a hill in a wheat field as the Yellow Awesomeness comes after them."

Liu Bei: ...

Guan Yu: ...well, this sucks.

Zhang Fei: ...there is no way I'm killing all those guys.

Liu Bei: ...I knew he didn't remember me.

Guan Yu: Would you quit worrying about that! We are going to die!

Liu Bei: They are too many for us! We can only beat them by surprising them!

Zhang Fei: How would we go about doing that...

Guan Yu: Hmmm... what if I used my awesome bow and arrow skills to hit that dam over there... maybe the whole thing will collapse and flood them all!

Liu Bei: ...by one arrow?

Guan Yu: ...well, yeah.

Zhang Fei: That is the stupidest idea ever! ...But we have no other choice so let's go with it.

Liu Bei: YA HEAR THAT YOU YELLOW AWESOMENESS LOSERS!? WE ARE GOING TO USE OUR ARROW SKILLS TO SHOOT THE DAM AND FLOOD YOU ALL!

Rebel: ...well uh, why don't we just wait at the bottom here until we see if they are right...

Rebel2: But if we stay down here at the bottom and they are right, wouldn't we be flooded?

Rebel: ...no.

Rebel2: ...well, that's good enough for me.

Guan Yu: Ok... I must line this up perfectly...

Liu Bei: Take your time...

Zhang Fei: SHOOT IT ALREADY!

*Guan Yu fires it just as Zhang Fei yells, making the shot horribly off target.*

Guan Yu: Agh! You idiot!

Zhang Fei: Well excuse me if I wanted to know if I was going to live or die much sooner.

Liu Bei: ...do you know how much I hate you?

*The arrow then hits a lit oil lamp on top of the dam. It gets stuck in it and causes it to fall to the ground. The whole wheat field is then set ablaze.*

Liu Bei: ...how very lucky.

Guan Yu: ...I did that?

Zhang Fei: Whoohoo! Look at them get killed! FRY SUCKAHS!

"And so, the first two battles Liu Bei, Guan Yu, and Zhang Fei were in... they won... somehow... Could these victories be a sign of things to come? Most likely."

[Balinese]

[FONT=Comic Sans MS]HA HA HA. This is truly excellent. :rotflmao:

i can't wait until the Wu army makes its appearance! *waves a Sun Ce banner and disappears to await the next chapter* heh heh heh heh... [/FONT]

[G/S/B Master]

Sun Jian is HERE! Shakin his booteh!


Chapter 4: Those Other Guys

"So with the two battles Liu Bei had won, miraculously, him and his brothers decided to go find Liu Bei's old teacher, Lu Zhi."

Lu Zhi: Yeah... remember me from the second chapter? I was the one talking with the hooker.

"...Anyway, when Liu Bei came to Lu Zhi's camp, Lu Zhi was delighted to see him."

Lu Zhi: Liu Bei! I am delighted to see you!

Liu Bei: Aaaah, it has been a while.

Lu Zhi: And here I thought you would amount to nothing...

Liu Bei: Err... what?

Lu Zhi: Well, let's face it... you had the worst grades in class...

*Zhang Fei and Guan Yu laugh and point at Liu Bei.*

Zhang Fei: Hahaha! He actually stayed in school! Ahahahaha!

*The others stare at Zhang Fei.*

Guan Yu: ...you know what?

Zhang Fei: What?

Guan Yu: If I didn't know any better... I would say you were actually retarded.

Zhang Fei: ...believe it or not, but I get that all the time.

*All stare at him again.*

"Enough about the Oath Brothers... let's get some new faces. Huangfu Song and Lu Zhi made an attack on the Yellow Awesomeness. They ordered Liu Bei's men to set fire to the straw. So Liu Bei ordered Zhang Fei and Guan Yu to set fire to the straw. Then they did, the whole valley went up in flames... and Zhang Fei and Guan Yu went to a nearby river to put out the fire on their clothes. Sometime later, Zhang Liang and Zhang Bao were forced to retreat..."

Zhang Liang: God dammit Bao!

Zhang Bao: Sorry! That boy... he looked so... so...

Zhang Liang: SHUT THE HELL UP! If you weren't my brother...

Zhang Bao: Oh that is it, mom is so going to hear about this!

???: Stop there you two!

Zhang Liang: See! Now they got us surrounded!

Zhang Bao: You can't blame this all on me and my love of boys!

Zhang Liang: You didn't suspect something when they had ten of them lined up in a row!? Did you not realize there was a whole army of soldiers behind them!? You don't call off an attack because you want to fulfill your sick pleasures you freak!

Zhang Bao: ...I'm sorry ok!? Can we just go home now!?

???: You can't leave... I won't let you!

Zhang Liang: ...can we leave now?

Cao Cao: NO! So says... Cao Cao!

Zhang Liang: ...how about now?

Cao Cao: No!

Zhang Bao: ...now?

Cao Cao: Ok guys... look, I don't want to fight. I'm trying out this whole peaceful thing... In fact, I've tried myself to feel sick at the sight of blood. So ya know, could you make this easy?

Zhang Liang: Hmmm... no fighting then, eh?

Cao Cao: Nope.

*Zhang Bao and Liang ride up to Cao Cao and kick him off his horse and ride away laughing.*

Cao Cao: DAMMIT! THAT NEVER WORKS! Being a pacifist sucks a$s!

*Xiahou Dun and Xiahou Yuan help Cao Cao up.*

Xiahou Dun: Cousin Mengde, don't worry. I'm sure they won't get too far.

*Xiahou Yuan motions for Cao Cao's army to go in the direction Zhang Bao and Liang were headed.*

Xiahou Dun: In fact, I bet they'll be caught in no time!

Cao Cao: Really? So... being a pacifist may be good after all!

Xiahou Yuan: Of course, cousin Mengde!

Zhang Liang: OH NO! NO... NO... AAAAAAAH! NOT THE SWORD NOT-THE-SWORD! THAT WAS MY NECK! GAAAH!

Cao Cao: Hey... what was that noise?

Xiahou Dun: Errrm... bird?

Xiahou Yuan: Chipmunk?

Cao Cao: ...are you sure?

Zhang Bao: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! PLEASE LET ME GO! STOP STABBING ME WITH YOUR SPEARS! ARRRRRGHABLLLLE!

Xiahou Dun: Of course!

*Cao Cao smiles while Xiahou Dun and Yuan smile back while the screams from the Zhang Brothers are heard.*

"Meanwhile... elsewhere on the battlefields."

Sun Jian: Alright men... I, Sun Jian, shall be leading the attack! As we know, the Yellow Awesomeness has us out numbered. But we have something they don't. Does anyone know what that would be?

Soldier: Uh... skill?

Sun Jian: Yes... but what else?

Soldier2: Erm... intelligence?

Sun Jian: Yeeees... but what do we have that they could never have?

*Soldiers look around at eachother while shrugging.*

Sun Jian: Isn't it obvious!? We have...

*Sun Jian puts on some kickin' shades on takes out a boombox.*

Sun Jian: Our groooooove!

*Sun Jian puts on "Baby Got Back" and takes out his sword.*

Sun Jian: My men! Go with the flow and kill the Yellow Awesomeness Rebels and destroy them with our hip moves!

*The soldiers all cheer and go after the Yellow Awesomeness, along with Sun Jian.*

Sun Jian: I like big butts and I cannot lie!

*Sun Jian slices two enemies to the beat.*

Sun Jian: You othah brothahs can't deny!

*Sun Jian slices two more rebels down.*

Sun Jian: Now shake it!

Soldiers: Shake it!

Sun Jian: Shake it!

Soldiers: Shake it!

Sun Jian: Shake that healthy butt! Baby got back!

*All the soldiers keep dancing and fighting to the beat. The numbers of the Yellow Awesomeness slowly decline.*

Messenger: Zhao Hong! Sun Jian and his soldiers are killing our men!

Zhao Hong: So? We have many reinforcements.

Messenger: It's to Sir Mixalot's "Baby Got Back"!

Zhao Hong: Bastard... dirty bastard... TO MOCK US IN SUCH A WAY! QUICKLY MEN! CHARGE THE ENEMY! I SHALL TAKE SUN JIAN'S HEAD MYSELF!

*The rebels go after Sun Jian's men who keep beating them with their hip and down moves.*

Zhao Hong: SUN JIAN! I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL!

Sun Jian: I accept your challenge! It shall be easy for the Groovestah of Jiang Dong!

Zhao Hong: Grrr... you shall pay for mocking us with a one hit wonder!

*The two charge at each other and Sun Jian draws his sword.*

Sun Jian: LITTLE IN DA MIDDLE BUT YA GOT MUCH BACK!

Zhao Hong: Wait... you think I have a fat a$s? You-

*Sun Jian stabs Zhao Hong while he is flustered.*

Sun Jian: VICTORY IS OURS!

*The soldiers all cheer.*

Sun Jian: ...NOW VICTORY GROOVE DOWN!

*Sun Jian and the troops start dancing to the song.*

"After the battles were all finished... Lu Zhi and Liu Bei met back up."

Lu Zhi: Liu Bei... I have just heard that they are relieving me from command!

Liu Bei: What? Why is that?

Lu Zhi: Well... that eunuch Zuo Feng comes in actin' like he's all that and I was like "Yo eunuch, you betta get ta steppin' 'fore I put this foot in yo' a$s," and then Zuo Feng was all like "No you di'in't," and I was all "Yeah I di'id!"

*The brothers stare at Lu Zhi.*

Lu Zhi: ...*cough* Well to make it short... Dong Zhuo is coming in place of me... damned eunuchs.

Guan Yu: Why would anyone want to become a eunuch anyway? Everyone hates them.

Zhang Fei: Yeah... and they don't have any... *cough* ya know...

Liu Bei: Ok... ok... so can you tell us something about this Dong Zhuo guy?

Lu Zhi: Well... for starters, he's the fattest man you'll ever see.

Zhang Fei: Ooooh, is he like the Pilsbury Doughboy!? Does he have the little sailor hat and everything? You know those cookies are to die for!

*The others just stare.*

Lu Zhi: No.

Zhang Fei: Awwww...

Lu Zhi: Well, we'll just say that Dong Zhuo is a fat maniacal bastard who will most likely overthrow the Han for his own rule and hold the emperor hostage. And the only chance he will have in his fight against the Han will be the monsterous Lu Bu and the uber smart Li Ru.

Liu Bei: ...ummm overthrow the Han?

Lu Zhi: Errr... I mean... he won't overthrow the Han and... YOU NEVER HEARD THAT!

Guan Yu: No... I'm pretty sure we did.

Zhang Fei: Heard what?

Lu Zhi: ...would you believe me if I said I lied for the sake of saving a big spoiler?

Liu Bei: ...I don't see why not.

Lu Zhi: Alright! Speak a word of this and I will kill you all...

Zhang Fei: A word of what?

Lu Zhi: ...talk again and I'll kill you.

Zhang Fei: Talk- ...sorry.

Lu Zhi: Bye guys! ^.^

"And so Lu Zhi and the brothers said their goodbyes... and more of the men have emerged from the darkness to >probably< become key players in Romance of the Three Kingdoms. ...>probably<."

[Balinese]

[FONT=Comic Sans MS]w00t! Liu Bei is a lunatic, Zhang Bao is a horny perv, and Sun Jian is the Groovestah of Jiang Dong :rotflmao:

i'm really enjoying this! keep it up, i have to see what else you do to torture these poor guys...[/FONT]