Writing Betrayed in Darkness, a poem.

[OtakuSennen]

[color=navy]I threw this together after I finished up the day's standardized testing. I was (and still am) rather depressed, and when I'm depressed I tend to write better.

[center][i]Betrayed in Darkness

The light of love was shining through,
The warmth of friends absorbed,
Yet pity was the cause of this.
In secret I was abhorred.

The love once felt had been expressed
By unrequieted means,
She only spoke from nobility,
My purpose was demeaned.

Why would one do such a thing?
Why lie about such sacred bonds?
Those thoughts were childish fantasies,
Romantic walks past autumn's shimmering ponds
Were nothing more than an elaborate jest,
Out of pity she walked with me.
And now the sorrow digs so deep.
And none can hear my plea.

"Tell me, someone, why is this so?"
"Why have I been betrayed?"
"How long has this been going on?"
"Why did they decide to stay?"

And now it seems, to the untrained eye, that everything is fine.
They're friends again, she's close to me,
And happiness is mine.

Yet something still lies down in the caverns,
Remnants of that hate.
Again, my allies will betray,
And open Dante's Gate.

But now I leave these "friends" of mine,
The one I held so dear.
They do not know, they may not care,
But regardless they shouldn't fear."

"They'll find out soon enough, I guess."
I'm leaving them to be
Happy, productive, satisfied.
In a world without me.
"I'll call, I'll write, I'll talk to you soon!"
"I'll never forget you, my dear."
"We'll see you soon and remember you."
"I'll come visit in a year."
Such lies they've weaved, the stories they've told,
I pretend to remain deceived.

But we'll all be happier in this new life,
I in my world without them, and they in theirs without me.

Though, secretly, I sob inside,
I do not want to leave.
The love for this girl and devotion to friends
Remain extremely deep.
They do not know, but far away,
In a different land, alone, I weep.[/i][/center]

..And that's about it. Comments and criticism would be greatly appreciated.[/color]

[Shinmaru]

I've already told you my thoughts on this, but I might as well post them right here, heh.

What I like most about this particular poem is how seamlessly you shift moods within the poem. You'll get a bitter feeling in one part...then, a wistful, melancholy feeling in another...and a hopeful feeling in another. It's all done very well and doesn't feel awkward; it feels like it fits, and that's what makes it work so well.

I also like your use of quotes during the poem, as they add a lot to the overall mood of the piece, as well. Also, this poem doesn't feel overly angsty like a lot of other poems seem to...this is more of a reflection on a lamentable situation, but it's not really full of self-loathing or anything like that.

I say good work, Mr. Sennen.

[Mimmsicle]

[size=1][color=darkred]I can only second everything Shin has said. You run no risk of balancing between angsty and over pretentious. It runs so peacefully and hits the marks it sets out to strike.
[/color][/size][font=Verdana][color=darkred][/color][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1][color=darkred]It's a perfect inside look as to how it differs from what you send out and actually feel/think.

You astound me with your writing, truly.[/color][/size][/font]