Writing Excerpts from the book of Oosh

[Guest ScirosDarkblade]

What follows is a portion of a book written by the ninja Oosh. Oosh is not the best of writers, as you'll see. He wrote his book, more than anything, to have a memoir of his life. And in it he recounted the stories of other people that came into his life.

The story of Yah, a fellow ninja, is a bit disturbing. (Yah and Oosh are both members of The Wind Ninjas, which is a rock/crimefighting group, and has a total of five members.) The story is also from the middle of the book, meaning that you (the reader) will be unfamiliar with a lot of what is mentioned. But honestly it's such BS that who gives a crap?

[COLOR=SeaGreen]Yah Storee! Scaree!

I. Orign of Yah
Well forst Oosh tell you something. About crokodiles. They are greene and longe and toothy and live in swomps. They are hunted by an Australyan crazee ninja who says crikey frequentlee. Well you see thie hunting by crokodyle hunter is very problem-type, but ckodiles are smart. They hired a body gard. But this body gard was soone eeten by a crokodyle. So they thought of a nother idea. They sent a super-secret-agent-crocodile crokodyle and he goed to Ninjaville and kidnaped a tiny (hewge) ninja! They tooke him to crokland and raised him to live in swomps and eet froges and birdes. But most importantlee they made him loke crokes. And protect them ninjly. Wat a big mistake! Eerybutye nos that Yah is huge morone and can?t protect anything that dozent have guns and armor! Well beleeve it or not, these crokes kidnaped Yah! So one day, Crokodyle Hunter comes up to swomp and jumps into it like a crazee duder! Well he was drunk bocose he knofoosed Yah for a croke. Yah figured he was ataked by an evil and deadlee swomp monster and quickly surrendered. Well ?crikey? says the Crokodyle Huntre! ?This here?s no croke! It?s a swomp-dwelling hermit!? So he drives Yah to Ninjaville and there Hoo says to him, ?thank you for bringing us this hermit we will trane him to be a ninja.? Well Crokodyle Huntr was konfoosed, but not knofoosed enough to ask any qwestons, so he left. Hoo trraned Yah to be a ninja looke he promised, but Yah became spesial ninja! Becose he lived with crokes he developed a special style of ninja foo called I CAN?T FITE BUT I CAN BITE foo where he bite you. It is deadlee! THere is no way to win! If you ponch him he bite yore fist. If you kick him he bite yore toe!
Of korse Yah is ninja, so he yooses a wepone! Yah yuooses sword bocose he lokes to cut Oosh. His sord is koole becose it has six strings so it is loke a guitar. Yah yooses it in oure band Wild Ninjas Revival. He also yooses it to fite deadlee enemees.

II. Yah?s fiteing skills
Well alredy Oosh mentioned I CAN?T FITE BUT I CAN BITE foo. Well Yah is expert, and he even dezined his mask to help him fite better. It is like a toothy mouth that closes when Yah bites, so he can bite with his mask on! It?s like a real nightmare!
When Yah is approched by enemees, he likes to puff up to look biger. He then starts hissing like a mad crokodyle. Well if that dozent scare away the enemees, he yooses a sword in addition to mad biting. He is a deadlee sword fiter. He can cut a marshmallowe in half! No, wait. He can?t. Marshmallowe is too soft. But he can cut wood in half! No, waite. He can?t. Wood is to hard. He can cut somthing in half, Oosh forget what.
Yah is one of the killerest ninja I no. He has killered tones of mushrooms, even the poisone ones. Though less poisone ones than not poisones ones. He is a frade of them (poisone ones). Yah also killered some roaches (4). He also killered many ants. Though cheap-type. He coverd anthills with water. Yah killed a bee once too, so Oosh is hapy that if ever bees come after Oosh Yah can save me.

III.Yah is crazee!
I tell you Yah is crazeeest ninja ever! You thinking Wa or maybe Crazee Ninja is crazeeer, but you are sooper dooper rong! One time Yah wonted to get a soda pop from a pop machine. Well he poots in a bazoonger but nothing come out. Machine says ?Insert Doler Bill Pleese!? Yah puts in a bazoonger. Nothing come out. Yah is steeming! He says ?broong hlabbah yonger bazoonger! Pop poop yarble!? He poots in last bazoonger he have. Nothing come out. Machinge says ?Insert Doler Bill Pleese!? Yah goes berzerk! He takes a bicycle, rides it to a porking lot, kickes a dude in the nards real hard, rides awaye to a different porking lot, gets off his bike, bites a lady on the elbowe, steals her car keys, and drives her car all the way back to the machine to crash into it and destroye it. Exept he crashed into a nearbye coffee shop insted because he was too crazee! Well hot coffee goes spilling on Yah?s croch, so he yell ?arrgg blarrgg hot penarse!? and take his sord and he kill eeryboty in that coffee shop. He left no survivors. Then he took that pop machine and threwgh it off a roof and it broke. He took some pop and drank it. He is crazee I tell you!

IV. Yah is big
Yah is our big ninja. Wo is super strong and more mussly than Yah but Yah is biger. He can?t fit inot our Super Transport Chopper even. Well troo be that our chopper is for G.I. Joes, but still he can?t fit and some ninjes probablee can.
Well yousulee bigness of Yah is good becose the Eevil Ninjas feer him like the plage. Though whether that is becouse Yah has the plage or becose he is big we don?t no. We do no one thing, though, is that while you CAN chew chewing gum, you CAN?T chew yogurt. You just kind of swallow it, that?s all. Don?t swallow chewing gum, though, it will never be dyegested and soone you will be a giant Bazooka Joe Monster and all you will say is stoopid not funny jokes from the comicks and drive Oosh nuts!
Often, though, Yah?s bigness is quite a problem. Like when we have to fly our Super Transport Chopper into COBRA teritoree. Or order pizza. Yah is so big that he eets too much! Damn him! Oosh love cheese... . Also Yah is too big to ride on park rides. Even the koolest ride, the KILER DROP, at our theme park, Boosh Gardens. The KILER DROP is a crazee flight on a skatebord down a wheelchare ramp. This unbeleevable thrill ride reeches speeds of ten miles per hour and is the longest conkrete roler coster in the world! Oosh love it, though it is sooper scaree.

V. The Search for Spok
Spok is a pointy-eered ninja. Oosh never found him. Oosh found Yah, though, sekretly eeting Oosh?s cheese stash while Oosh was supposed to be out patrolling. Lokelee Oosh is mega lazy and didn?t go patrolling, becose I come home and there be Yah eeting my cheese! Well I ame less deadlee at fiteing than Yah, so I yoosed cleverness to get him out of there! I say ?hey Yah there is a naked woman there outside my windowe go climb out from my window without my cheese to go be with the naked woman.? Well, Yah is fond of naked women, so he drops my cheese and starts climbeing out my window. Well Oosh lied about the woman! It was just a standee! Har har har!
Problem was that Oosh forgot a key part of my plan. Yah can?t climb, so Oosh had to help him. But Oosh forgot becose I was to busy counting my cheese. So after a minute of trying Yah just sat in my house all pissed off. Eventuallee it started raineing and the standee fell aparte. But Oosh had another idea! I ran out of my door and brought the standee inside. I dried it up and put it right in front of my fronte door. I say ?Yah here she is!? Yah run at it like the crazee ninja he be, but it is only a standee so he fall over and out my door. Yah was mad but not in Oosh?s howse. But then Oosh forgot another key part of my plan. Close door part. SO yah comes in, ponch me, and eat my cheese. I was upset.[/COLOR]