Writing Dragonball Z: Finding The Super Saiyan

[artmasta]

[U]Chapter 1: The Beginning[/U]
On the planet of Vegita, there was a race of beings, but these being are no ordinary beings. These beings were saiyans, and as saiyans were, they destroyed lfe forms on planets and then later sold the planet to the highest bidder. A planet known as Saiyahorn was taken over by the saiyan race. The saiyahorns had no choice but to fight to live. It was a brutal battle but as always, the saiyans won.

About 3 months later a changling/namek/android named Jari-Kinjone placed a bid for the planet. Kinjone got Saiyahorn but at a terrible price. One saiyan wanted to stand up against Kinjone, but never found the time to think of a plan. The on the 7th day after the bid, the saiyan named Napcorn, made a plan and took a few more saiyans with him to test it out. It worked for awhile, but then Kinjone sent his army to stop Napcorn. Kinjone knew Napcorn couldn't be stopped.


Tell me what you think so far. I will edit later on as I use more imagination.

[Charles]

[QUOTE=artmasta][u]Chapter 1: The Beginning[/u]
On the planet of Vegita, there was a race of beings, but these being are no ordinary beings. These beings were saiyans, and as saiyans were, they destroyed lfe forms on planets and then later sold the planet to the highest bidder. A planet known as Saiyahorn was taken over by the saiyan race. The saiyahorns had no choice but to fight to live. It was a brutal battle but as always, the saiyans won.

About 3 months later a changling/namek/android named Jari-Kinjone placed a bid for the planet. Kinjone got Saiyahorn but at a terrible price. One saiyan wanted to stand up against Kinjone, but never found the time to think of a plan. The on the 7th day after the bid, the saiyan named Napcorn, made a plan and took a few more saiyans with him to test it out. It worked for awhile, but then Kinjone sent his army to stop Napcorn. Kinjone knew Napcorn couldn't be stopped.


Tell me what you think so far. I will edit later on as I use more imagination.[/QUOTE]This is very boring, if I'm being honest and everyone else agrees with me judging by the lack of replies. I?ll tell you why. You?re choosing a subject that?s been beaten to death, so if you simply must retread on the DragonBallZ universe, you must do so in a creative way so that you captivate readers. You have to suck them in right from the get go and keep their interest.

You begin by abstractly describing the most basic behavior of the Saiya-jins in a drab, matter-of-fact narrative. Unfortunately, anyone who reads this is probably familiar with the anime and its basic plotline, so you're just wasting your time and boring the reader. On top of that, you spare characteristics and personality; your tone is dull. We don't get any indication whatsoever of what exactly a Saiyahorn is--there customs, culture, appearance, personalities. Why should we care about them? Why was the battle brutal? There's no description. You're jumping around very quickly and I'm left with one impression: "So what?"

Plus the name of the race is just silly. It's obviously something you gave no thought to and randomly threw together in a matter of three seconds.

The second paragraph is a major problem because you're throwing various characters at us, again, without really defining them. It's very confusing. Your story is spiraling out of control because you're not taking your time. Instead, you're rushing through plot points and characters without ever defining them properly.

I'm left with the impression that you've not taken the time to consider where you want to go with this story. You just sat down and wrote anything without prior planning. That's why it completely lacks focus.

I apologize if I'm sounding harsh for something as simple as this but if you seriously intend to write a fan fic, then I suggest you think about what I've said.