Writing Rebirth - Aftermath chapter 1

[Guest KairuHibiki]

This is the first chapter of a story i'm working on. It takes place after the events in my manga. Comments are appreciated *smiles*(edit: added translations for the Sentei language at the bottom of the post)

[b][i][u]Chapter 1: Aftermath[/u][/i][/b]

Three years had passed since Skythe's defeat and entrapment in the Nether-realm at the hands of Kairu and Grace. Things for the most part had settled down on the world of Atlunze. The farmers had their crops to tend to, the Mage's went about their studies, The Knight's of the Crimson Order continued their training of the newer troops, and Kairu and Grace had a wedding to plan...

[b][i][u]Aresis Village - Grace's Hometown, Serris Island[/u][/i][/b]

The small village of Aresis was extremely busy. People running back and forth carrying decorations, food, clothing, and various other things for the upcoming festivities. The village itself was pretty rustic. Very well built houses in an unfamilliar design to the rest of the world dotted here and there through the small village. A tiny creek could be seen running just along the towns perimeter. South of the town, the Sage's Forest rested. In one of the houses, a woman was getting herself ready for her special day.

"Daé ghedis ka-nara waru?" The handmaiden asked impaitently in Sentei to the shadowed sillouette of a shaply woman behind a small dressing curtain.

"Naré, naré! Gan te-sai cré!" The shadowed woman yelled back as she tossed a pair of black pants over the curtain, soon followed by a white button-up blouse and black tank-top. "Prasai von gránaru fé-na murei cré!?"

The hand maiden sighed out loud as she gathered the clothes and walked away for a moment, returning with a small black rope necklace. A beautiful light blue crystal dangling from the end of it. "Fura von." she said as she handed the pendant through to the woman.

[b][i][u]Destin City - The Hunter's Guild[/u][/i][/b]

"Damnit, Kairu! What is taking you so long! We have to be at the teleporter in less than an hour!" Came the booming voice of Doc, the silver-haired proprietor of the Guild, and Kairu's closet friend.

"Gah! I will NOT be late for my own wedding! Doc, where the hell are my boots!?" Kairu yelled back down from the second floor of the guild.

"Where you ALWAYS have them! Right outside your door! I swear Kairu, sometimes I think you're missing something upstairs!" The silver-haired man yelled back. Doc was already dressed and ready to go, he was Kairu's best man after all. He wore a fancy tux. Dark black with gold trim along the bottom and white cuffs with gold buttons.

Upstairs, Kairu moved his lips in an odd manner, mocking Doc's last few words silently, then yelled back, "Yeah, and right now it's my damn boots!" He responded, twisting Doc's meaning against him.

Doc threw his arms into the air in defeat, and took a few steps away, "Are all you Dragoon's this damn stubborn!?"

Kairu came bouding down the stairs, in the process of tying his left boot. He wasn't dressed nearly as impressive as Doc, hell in most cases, he would be considered casually dressed. He wore a simple black long sleeved shirt with an extended neck. From the right side of the neck down to where it was tucked into his pants was a flap being held closed by five blousing ties. One on the neck, two on the chest, and two on the abdomen. However, only one of the lower ones were seen since the other was tucked into the pants. Each of the long sleeves was cuffed, showing a white underside. He wore a simple pair of pants, dark black and semi-baggy. Cargo pants. A deep pocket decorated each leg and the pants legs themselves were tucked neatly into tightly laced combat boots. Casual dress for a casual wedding. It was what Grace wanted.

He had just finished lacing his left boot when he suddenly stood straight up, his bald head having a slight shine to it. His face was clean shaven with the exception of the goatee, and his dark brown eyes looked about fratically for anything he may have forgotten. After a moment, he relaxed and looked up to the silver-haired man, a smirk on his face, "I think being stubborn is a prerequisite."

Both men enjoyed a good laugh as Kairu grabbed his trenchcoat and headed for the door behind Doc...


[I]Meanwhile... elsewhere on the world of Atlunze...[/I]


The storm had gotten bad above the little ship as the waves and wind tossed it back and forth on the restless waters. Flashes of lightning lit up the sky in a bright white flash, like a camera going off, showing the heavy rain as it pelted the tiny vessel. In the cabin of the ferry, the captain was having an even harder time. With the way this storm came on so suddenly and strongly, all of his instruments had gone haywire. The navigational systems were fried, so basically, he was blind. The bearded ferryman looked up into the sky briefly and witnessed something he had never seen before.

Bolts of lightning danced across the pitch black sky, from all different corners. Then all at once, a mass of these electrical forces lept out at once, all dancing over the clouds, heading right for one another till the connected, sending a massive single boat down to the bow of the ship, but not even damaging it. When the bolt dissipated, a single figure, cloaked by the darkness of the sky, rose slowly. The captain, too amazed and terrified at the same time, couldn't move as he watched the shadowy figure approach him slowly, seemingly unaffected by the boat's sometimes violent shifts from the waves.

As the shadow stood before the glass window separating the it from the captain, a brilliant flash of lightning shot across the sky, lighting it just enough to see the shadows face. He had a pale face with elegant features. Long pure white hair that was once black in a time long since past for him, a scar going over his right eye, and a blank expression, as if he didn't see the captain in front of him, and that is what the ferryman prayed for. His prayers were soon destroyed when the man reeled back his right hand balled into a fist, and sent it shattering through the window, grabbing the ferryman by the throat and yanking him out the open window into the elements of the storm, lifting the captain high into the air by the neck.

In a calm, even tone, the man spoke to the captain, his slightly rough voice seeming to carry over the noise of the storm. "You will take me to Serris Island..." He then tossed the captain like a ragdoll, slamming him into the side of the cabin as he walked to stand near the front of the boat. His lips twisted into a snarl, revealing sharp fangs.

"Kairu... Grace..." The man sneered, an extreme amount of hatred seeping from his voice at the utterance of those two names. He balled up his right hand into a tight fist, the bandages around it streching. He glanced to his right and spotted a small island.

"... Let's work on getting their attention shall we?" He said, a evil smirk spreading about his lips. The white-haired being turned to face the direction of the rocky island and extended his right arm, the hand hung loosly at the wrist as if it were broken. Slowly, very slowly, the man lifted his right hand and pointed at the rock sticking up from above the oceans waters like one would point a gun. His forefinger was extended out, pointing at the rocks, his thumb was also extended, making his hand resemble a gun, a faint but detectable surge of particals swirling around his extended index finger.

"Bang..." The man mouthed silently as he pulled the trigger in his mind. The air preassure changed drastically as a surge of dark black energy shot from the tip of the white-haired man, heading straight for the rocky island. When it impacted, there was no sound, only a large black ball extending it size further and further out... then came the sound, a massive rummbling soon followed by a highly deafening sound, as if someone had set loose four screaming bashee's at once.

What was left after the dark black energy explosion faded was a crater about a football field length aross, and just as deep, the ocean water hurridly trying to fill in the new hole. The man then raised his hand up, still shaped like a gun, and blew off the tip of his index finger much like one would blow smoke from a smoldering barrel of an actual gun. He stood in thought for a moment. If he was right, Serris Island was south of where he was now. He glanced back at the captain who was guiding the ship numbly, as if under a spell and blindly following orders. In a way he was, because if he did not head the white-haired mans words, he would have killed him without hesitation. Turning back to face the front of the vessel, he assumed it would take them a day to reach the island. He could fly there, or use his powers to take him there instantly, he thought to himself. But he wanted to savor what he had planned for those two.

A dark laughter filled the stormy seas, over-riding the sound of the wind and rain...

(Chapter 1 is relativly short compared to the rest of the chapters. The language Sentei is one I made up over two months ago)

"Daé ghedis ka-nara waru?" = "Are you ready yet?"

"Naré, naré! Gan te-sai cré!" = "Almost, almost! Don't rush me!"

"Prasai von gránaru fé-na murei cré!?" = "Where's the pendant he gave me!?"

"Fura von." = "Here it is."

[Shinmaru]

I think this story is off to a good start and it shows a bit of potential. There are a couple of things that I have an issue with, though...first, it's obvious that the point of view is a third-person omniscient point of view. However, at some points of the story, the scenes are described in a casual way (with words like basically), which works when the characters themselves are describing an area (because you'd expect people to speak casually), but not when you have an outside narrator describing the scene. This is a problem that I definitely admit to having myself from time to time, and it's just something that needs to be pointed out to you so you can remedy it, heh.

Second, there are a few awkward phrases here and there, but that could have been intentional for all I know. Personally, I sometimes sprinkle a couple intentionally awkward sentences and phrases in my stories to establish some sort of mood...sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

Again, though, your story is getting off to a good start. I like the varied description of the setting and the characters, plus the transition from scene to scene isn't awkward, which is a plus. I'll be looking forward to seeing more of the story.

[Chaos]

This is a simple start, teh Shinneh. I wouldn't concern over such details.

But, like Shinmaru said, Kai, it's a nice start. I don't really have a problem with the lax description [I'm not expecting you to go all out on an introduction for a story], but the random spelling errors hold a different torch, though. I mean, it's simple stuff, but you know.

Nip it in the bud. Use Word like you should. :P

[You might wanna think about adding translations in. >_>]