Writing wHy

[Guest SpaceCowboy156]

[SIZE=4]WHY[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]WHY[/SIZE]
cant think,cant breath,cant see, cant touch, cant love all that i want to, cant see what is all offered to me, just cant.

Why, Why cant i, i want to, i want to live my life to its fullest, yet to the fulest of mylife shall not come. i shall rot.

Iam damned
you are damned
I am damned
Why

[Lady Asphyxia]

[font=Verdana][size=1]Please remember to keep up your post quality. ^.~[/size][/font]
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[font=Verdana][size=1]Okay, not bad. I think perhaps it would be more effective if you shortened your paragraphs into lines. (So instead of cant [i]think,cant breath,cant see, cant touch,[/i] it becomes:[/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1][i]Can't think[/i][/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1][i]Can't breathe[/i][/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1][i]Can't see[/i][/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1][i]Can't touch[/i]) That way, when read out loud, it sounds more..desperate. And it looks better, because later in the poem you break into that setout anyway.[/size][/font]
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[font=Verdana][size=1]The poem itself is almost too short to fully express the emotions. Perhaps extending it, and delving into the emotions and the poem would be a good idea. You need to fully devlop the idea, heh.[/size][/font]
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[font=Verdana][size=1]But not bad, heh. It just needs some work to live up to the idea...if that makes any sense. ^_^" [/size][/font]