Writing Modern Messiah

[Eclectic]

[font=Century Gothic][size=1][color=sienna]A while ago, around the beginning of this school year, I started writing this. It's kinda grown since then, but I still want to get a critique on it so far. It's written in preludes, which are actually in the future, and movements, the story. Most of them, at least the ones I have typed, are very short. Anyways, here's the story thus far. Oh, and the band's name is tentative. I'll gladly take suggestions.[/color][/size][/font]
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[size=1][color=#a0522d]First Prelude[/color][/size]
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[font=Century Gothic][size=1][color=#a0522d][size=2][size=1]Fayren peered out at the crowd. The club seemed nearly full. It was the last night they would open for Spineshank. Sighing, she turned to Hayden, her bassist, and Raquel, her drummer.[/size]
[size=1]"He's out there. Are we ready to deal with him?" They both nodded. She had discussed this many times over. "Even during the set?"[/size]
[size=1]"We've gone over this hundreds of times." Hayden stepped towards her and was just about to give her a reassuring kiss when the club's manager ducked backstage.[/size]
[size=1]"You're on in two," he barked. Stopping short, he looked from Hayden and Fayren to Raquel and back again with a curious look in his eyes.[/size]
[size=1]"They love each other," Raquel said from her spot on the far wall. "You don't have a problem with that, do you?" The manager only shook his head and left.[/size]
[size=1]"Thanks," Fayren said as she pulled away from Hayden. "I don't know where we'd be without you."[/size]
[size=1]Raquel let out one of her ringing laughs. "In Hell, of course. That, or in a garage looking for a decent drummer. Just don't let that bastard get in between you, alright?" With a tiny smirk, she leaned back against the wall and fell into a meditative state.[/size]
[size=1]"Don't worry," Hayden whispered softly into her ear. "I won't let him hurt you." He pulled her close and gave a light, but lingering, kiss before prepping himself.[/size]
[size=1]//But there's nothing you can do for me, love...// She thought back to all that had happened as she absentmindedly put on the microphone and tuned. Stretching a bit, she noticed the tattoo on the back of her right hand, the mark of the Agents of Heaven, or Angels as mortals so loved to call them. Where it had once been black, it now glowed an angry, dark red. She rubbed at it, as if that could ever make it go away or make it what it once was. It was meant to show the Servants of Hell, or Dæmons, other Angels, and psychics like Raquel and Sirel that she was a Fallen: an Angel removed from grace and Paradise. She spared a glance at Hayden. He too bore a Mark, but he hid it as much as possible. //Come on, get back in the game...// With a furious shake of her head, she attempted to clear her mind, but to no avail.[/size]
[size=1]"Ladies and gentlemen, it's my pleasure to introduce Blood Red Moon!" The crowd clapped, a little subdued but at least they clapped. Fayren glanced at her band mates before smiling at the crowd and playing their newest song.[/size]
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[size=1]First Movement[/size]
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[size=1]Gabriél looked away in disbelief at what she was hearing. //How could he?// "Why, Uriel? Why?" she asked, forcing herself to look at him again. Her eyes welled with tears she refused to let fall in front of him.[/size]
[size=1]"Don't," Uriel ordered as he turned his back. "Do you know how hard this is for me?"[/size]
[size=1]She spun him around angrily and stared into his bright green eyes. "This must be terribly agonizing for you! You get to stay in Paradise while I'm sent to that hellhole?! And for what? Nothing! How is that hard for you?!"[/size]
[size=1]"I'm sorry but you know your ideas have become too controversial for Him." He turned away again. "I'm sorry."[/size]
[size=1]"Don't be sorry. I know you're not. Just understand. Can you do that for me? Please?" A single tear rolled down her cheek.[/size]
[size=1]"Don't cry, please don't. You're the one who doesn't understand. I love you, can't you see that?"[/size]
[size=1]Gabriél shuddered. "No," she whispered after a brief, thick silence, shuddering again. "Goodbye, my lord." With that, she walked away, trying with all her might not to look back. Uriel turned to watch her until she became a microscopic speck on the horizon. He would have a duty to fulfill, but that could be put off as long as possible.[/size]
[size=2][size=1]"I'm sorry, my angel Gabriél."[/size][/size]
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[size=2][size=1]Second Movement[/size][/size]
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[size=2][size=2][size=1]Simon laughed to himself before turning to his most faithful of Servants, Hayden. "Heaven is losing an Agent. Find her, Convert her. It should not be too hard; her spirit has already been broken. Check the usual spots."[/size]
[size=1]Hayden bowed low and, as he straightened, smirked. "Yes, of course, sir." Simon smiled. Hayden turned on his heel and headed into the club downstairs. After reaching the bottom of the spiral staircase leading to the offices, he strode towards the bar, calling over an old friend: Ria the bartender.[/size]
[size=1]"Oh! What a nice little surprise. Haven't seen you in a good long while. Been working hard for the boss?"[/size]
[size=1]"Of course. There's nothing I can really do about that, now is there?"[/size]
[size=1]Ria made a little grunting laugh. "Right, suckered in by the bad soap plot like most of us? I thought you' be too smart for that one."[/size]
[size=1]He looked away. "Just do me a favor. If a seventeen-year-old looking girl comes in here, give her whatever she wants and bill me."[/size]
[size=1]She smirked. "You haven't changed a bit. Still taking jobs whenever you can. Or maybe you have changed and you have a new girlfriend."[/size]
[size=1]He continued to stare off into the distance with a poker face. "Just do it. I have to go."[/size]
[size=1]"Always such a charmer." She sauntered away to serve a customer. Hayden left through the back door and walked quickly to his motorcycle in the nearly empty rear parking lot. Carefully, he checked it for any kind of damage and wiped away a tiny smudge. Starting the engine, he thought of where to check first and headed for the police station. Fallen almost always ended up there for some reason or another.[/size]
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[size=1]Third Movement[/size]
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[size=2][size=1]"You idiot mortal! I have the power to crush you between my thumb and forefinger! I could rip your skin from your flesh with a single thought and use your heartstrings to create the sweetest elegies!" Gabriél turned to the officers attempting to restrain her. "As for you fools, how dare you try to hold me down!" With an enormous surge of raw energy, she threw them to the ground. They stood again warily as the chief tried reason.[/size]
[size=1]"Look, kid, we--"[/size]
[size=1]"'Kid'?! I'm older than you could ever imagine to become! I was born long before your family tree was even a sapling. Yet you dare to call me a child?!"[/size]
[size=1]"Look, just calm down and tell me what happened earlier this evening, for the report."[/size]
[size=1]"NEVER give me an order again! I take orders from my Lord and my King; you are neither."[/size]
[size=1]"So...you're a foreigner? May I please see your papers and passport then? This could all just be a cultural misunderstanding."[/size]
[size=1]"What are these things of which you speak? I have lived Above for millenia."[/size]
[size=1]"Okay...so you're an uptown girl? Who's your father?"[/size]
[size=1]"She's not an uptown girl or a foreigner, Chief, just my poor lost cousin," Hayden said as he strolled into the station, silently laughing at all the chaos that had been caused. Gabriél stared blankly at him as the police chief nodded solemnly and dismissed all the charges.[/size]
[size=1]"D...don't forget to tell your boss what I did for you, okay? And tell him my wife and kids appreciated his gifts?"[/size]
[size=1]"Of course I will. Just make sure that my cousin her doesn't get into any trouble again, got it?" The chief nodded and let Hayden and Gabriél leave without another word, for fear of upsetting Simon.[/size]
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[size=1]Fourth Movement[/size]
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[size=2][size=1]"What do you want with me?" Gabriél eyed him cautiously as they walked out of the station. For some reason, she held a deep and immeadiate mistrust of him. "Are you an Agent?"[/size]
[size=1]He paused and eyed her for a moment, considering the consequences of his answer.[/size]
[size=1]"Yes, I am," he finally said.[/size]
[size=1]"Then know that I can never be Converted." She promptly turned and walked in the opposite direction. He sighed and climbed onto his motorcycle to follow. "Why do you pursue me, Daemon?" she asked loudly.[/size]
[size=1]"You know," he commented, voice muffled by his helmet, "if you want to pass for a mortal, you'll need to speak like one. Otherwise, you'll stick out like a sore thumb."[/size]
[size=1]"You imputent, self-righteous bastard!"[/size]
[size=1]"No one says 'imputent' anymore, do you realize that? People would think you were just being a wise ***."[/size]
[size=1]"I have the knowledge of ancients! Of course I am intelligent!"[/size]
[size=1]Hayden sighed. He obviously would never get through to her this way. "I have a job to do. You coming?" He revved the engine and waited. Slowly, haltingly, she climbed on behind. "Hey, got a name?" [/size]
[size=1]"Yes, ...Fayren." He was a little shocked to hear his sister's name but passed it off as just a coincidence, revving the engine again and speeding off.[/size]
[size=1]"Where are we going?" she asked tentatively after a few blocks. She was shaking and her breathing was slightly heavier. [/size]
[size=1]//If she's like this now, what is she going to do in a car?//[/size]
[size=1]"H...Hayden?"[/size]
[size=1]He braked suddenly and whipped around to face her. "Never pry my mind again. You won't like what find. We're going to my apartment." He watched her storm grey eyes narrow and a defiant look cross her face. "Do you have anywhere else to go?" Her eyes narrowed even more but her resistance was quelled. He turned and continued until stopping in front of a stately complex building. "Get off. Wait by the door. Don't go anywhere or talk to anyone. Got it?" She nodded, still mutinous, and stood by the enormous steel door. He felt the grey slits boaring into his back as he rode to the subterranean parking garage. He strode back, hoping she had listened to him. As he rounded the corner of the apartment building, he breathed a sigh of relief. She was still at the door, but facing it now for some reason. He rummaged through his pockets for his keys as he continued walking. That's when he saw him: a young man he'd seen at the club a few days earlier. He wasn't dead yet, just unconscious. "****, what did you do to him?" He glared at her in disbelief, not so much because she had done it, but that she was still capable of it. //I always believed that Angels lost most psychic abilities upon Falling. At least, that's what Simon has always told me. Was he lying? Why? Why lie about something that could get me killed?//[/size]
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[size=1]Fifth Movement[/size]
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[size=1]"I only tried to revive him. He was very intoxicated and something very traumatic happened. I cannot tell what, though. Somehow, I'm locked from his mind."[/size]
[size=1]"What the hell are you talking about?! TRY HARDER!" He stared her down angrily, as if she had done something terribly wrong. With the tiniest bit of prying, she saw that was exactly how he felt, with something deeper and darker beneath it.[/size]
[size=1]"I told you, I can't do anything more unless you want him to be paralyzed for the rest of his life. He must be a psychic of some kind, a pretty good one I would say. I can't even learn his name." Fayren gazed down at him, a boy in her eyes though he was 21 or so. He had to be very talented, or protected, if he could evade her like this. She fell into a trance, traveling to the border of his consciousness to monitor his erratic thoughts for any change or rationality. A stream of light poured down, reminding her strongly of Paradise. Two identical figures glided down as if on wings of some kind. As they proceeded slowly closer, the Angel began to notice the subtle differences in them. One was the young man; this one looked sickly and weak, leaning heavily on the other. The second had to be some close relative of some kind and it was this one who spoke when they reached the bottom of the light.[/size]
[size=1]//Do not worry, Fayren. My name is Raquel and this is my cousin, Sirel. You must help him. I know you remember how. Sirel will explain everything when he awakes. Goodbye for now.// She ascended the ray again, leaving Sirel to collapse into her arms. With a deep, calming breath, Fayren began the rituals and incantations needed to restore his health. It would take at least an hour, even with her speed and experience, but she would be sure to take her time and be meticulous.[/size]
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[size=1]Second Prelude[/size]
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[size=2][size=1]The curtain drifted apart as Fayren began the first few semi-classical strains of "Fall". Hayden and Raquel joined in as she took a clearing breath and started to sing.[/size]
[i][size=1]All the years / Wasted / All the tears / Jaded / As I spiral further down / Centuries of waiting / Feels like you're just raining / Pouring acid down / Burning on a frown / Looks like you're gonna win / Weakness is my greatest sin / See an Angel Fall again / Loving you's my greatest sin / As I Fall / ...[/size][/i]
[size=1]Her eyes searched the crowd of drinking or drunken on-lookers as she played the instrumental measures between verse and refrain. There, in the middle of the club, so like a center of gravity, sat Uriel. His eyes swam in shallow little pools of tears but he still looked determined. She sang the chorus and continued one, hoping that the haunting melody of their lost relationship and parting would sway his nerve.[/size]
[i][size=1]All the good times / Fading / All the bad times / Lead'ning / As I spiral further down / Days pass / I'm still waiting / Weeks pass / I'm still hoping / My head is spinning 'round and 'round / My feet can never touch that Ground / And I Fall[/size][/i]
[size=1]She looked into his eyes again as her fingers near mechanically strummed the soft echo of Hayden's solo. He must have recognized the tune, part of a forgotten hymn he had taught her, for a fond look lingered in his bathing eyes.[/size]
[size=1]//I might actually leave this concert alive... Maybe.// The song ended, softly echoing in the amps as the next began.[/size]
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[font=Century Gothic][size=1]Comments and suggestions are greatly appreciated.[/size][/font]
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