Writing as of yet, no title

[vegeta rocker]

No title yet, extremely rough, appreciate some crit.



i thought i could
do without it
their incesstant screams
haunt me at night

the way i was
spurred my hurt
and pain than
mere forgivness

children run before me
kicking up the dirt
and grinding into
the grass

all of the rain
flows down the trees
in tears of heavily
laden clouds

sunlight reappears with
a flourish of birds
and begins to slowly
devour my skin

[noelmvilla]

Wonderful.
It has no rhymes but manages to [COLOR=White]SHINE[/COLOR] as an astounding poem.
You have a nice selection of words.
I can't say much about the spelling ang grammar, though.
I suggest you try and turn each line into a standing sentence.
But hardwork really pays off.
Good work man.

[Boo]

[color=gray][size=1][quote][b]i thought i could
do without it
their incesstant screams
haunt me at night

the way i was
spurred my hurt
and pain (this line and the one above are nasty -.-)
than mere forgivness

children run before me
kicking up the dirt
and grinding
into the grass

all of the rain
flows down the trees
in tears
of heavily laden clouds

sunlight reappears
with a flourish of birds
and begins to slowly
devour my skin.[/b][/quote]

As you may have noticed, I changed the poem a bit. I don't know if it's much better this way but it reads easier at the least ^^;;
As always, I think the poem is magnificant lol, but like said; you should try putting words that belong to eachother, together in one line, instead of seperating them. ^_~
Also, the end is sort of... too open... but that could be me.
[/size][/color]

[vegeta rocker]

thanks for the input, especially you Boo, i will work on it and post it again with the suggestions.
you are right about the end being too open Boo, i will work on it.
That whole thing about putting words together is always what gets me, its one of my true problems.

I'll post the revised one soon.