Writing My Attempt at Comedy (Short Story)

[Flashlight]

Black trench coat, black gloves, black boots, black-tinted sunglasses and a bright pink hat. Totally inconspicuous.

I walked through the clear, revolving doors, taking a quick glance at my watch (6:00). Men and woman in nice tailored suits, all of them holding briefcases and talking on cell phones, surrounded me. I reached into my coat for a banana to hold to my ear. Oh, what odds I went through to blend in!

Maybe it was just me, but I seemed to be getting a lot of looks as I approached the desk.

Calmly leaned my hand on the oak, winking at the receptionist. She blushed and said, ?Hi.?

?What?s up baby?? I responded.

?Nothing, just working?? Her face went redder as she tried to hide it by looking down.

Suddenly I grabbed her hand, holding it close to my lips and lowering my voice, taking a peek at her nametag, ?Jen, Jen Jen Jen! You are truly the most beautiful receptionist I have ever seen! And smart too, for who else could get through the tough schooling for this job??

??I?m just a temp??

??And how could we survive without the temp! Oh, the agonies of the temp! Tell me, Jen, how can I reach the third floor??

?Umm? There?s the elevator.?

?Ah, the elevator, of course!?

?But it?s not working.?

?Oh, lady luck has cast an evil eye on me!?

?But then there?s the stairs!?

?I blessing! The stairs, why how simple!?

?But, the third floor is located above the thirteenth.?

?Of course. Where else would it be??

She gave me a puzzling look, ?Don?t you think it would be above the second and below the fourth??

I released her hand, ?Preposterous! What a terrible place to put the third floor. That?s just crazy! Good day.?

?Good da--??

?I said good day.?

?Wasn?t that joke used on the Simpson?s last nigh??

?Bye!?

And in a flash and four hours, I was gone, up high standing on the fourteenth floor.

?Hmm?I seem to have gone a floor too high?? I thought. No problem though, for I always carried a spare drill in my hat! But, alas, there was no socket to plug it in!
This floor was bare, a simple white tiled, white walled, and clear windowed room. The only thing that stood out was a strange socket like device on the wall. Oh how unlucky I was!

Or was I? For, I always carried a spare double ?A? battery with me! And with a simple flick of my wrist and a turn of the knob I was well on my way to the third floor.
The tile crumbled along with my feet.

After hours of strenuous work, and the complete loss of my legs, I was finally there!
Everyone had gathered around, gawking at the bird poop which had found it?s way onto my shoulder. I gathered myself up and dragged my stubs to her desk.

?Christine Mayfield? it read. Finally! Glowing, absolutely glowing, with joy I raised my self up onto the desk, look across, my smile widening, longing to see her eyes, her hair, and her round skull again. Closer, closer I leaned, opening my squeezed eyes, to discover the empty chair. The empty chair!

Who, what, when, how, where was she!

Then I saw her, crossing the street below, heading to a restaurant. The restaurant! The evil restaurant, the very reason I had to find her, to warn her of the bad cheese!

Maneuvering onto the chair I pushed and flew out the window, the sweet, soft concrete awaiting me below.

I made quite a clatter, but somehow I managed to escape death with only the loss of my left arm and my right ear. No, the ear was in my hand. Quickly reinserting it, I rolled myself into the restaurant.

?Leon!? She gasped. She was about to say something else, but?

?There?s no time for that! I must warn you, do not eat here! They have bad cheese! Bad cheese!?

?Leon??

?Fear the bad cheese! It can cause hemorrhoids and vitamin C and arachnophobia and all sorts of other evil things!?

?Leon??

?Cheese!?

?This is the gap. They don?t serve cheese here.?

??Well then why did I find cheese by the ventilation duct. No one leaves cheese by a vent unless they want someone to eat it!?

?Leon, honey, I think you?ve lost a bit too much blood.?

?Well then, let?s just end this story before I die.?

?I think that would be wise.?

?Well, end it then.?

She stepped back, ?Um, how??

?I dunno. Kiss me!?

?But, you're all bloody. Blood?? She stepped back again, ?I think I?m going to be sick??

?Fine, I?ll kiss you!?

?No!?

?We can?t end this without a kiss!?

?Fine!?

She knelt down, puckered her lips, and vomited.

The End.
-----------------------
Heh Heh Heh... I'm not very good at comedy. I guess I need a lot of practice. Please share what you felt worked and what didn't. And what jokes you think were used a bit too much (Though, I have a slight idea bout that one). And, most of all, enjoy!

[Xander Harris]

[QUOTE=Flashlight]

?We can?t end this without a kiss!?

?Fine!?

She knelt down, puckered her lips, and vomited.

The End.
[/QUOTE]
LOL. Nice ending. Although I think the begining wasn't very funny. Ditch the cooky uniform. That's not as funny in prose as it would be in film. Build up to the cheese joke more. Mention his need to give a warning earlier in the story, and work up to it. What's great about the ending is how few words you used, in a nonchalant manner. Some of the earlier paragraphs are too wordy to be funny. That's just my opinion, though, so take it for what it's worth.

[Flashlight]

You know, I posted that story on 3 differant message boards, and easily over two thirds of the people who replied told me how unfunny it was, but you're the only person who actually told me why, and how I can make my next better. Thank you.

Thinking back, I should have edited it more. The cheese joke should have been mentioned earlier, just as you said, but I only thought of it just at that point in the story, so I guess it didn't occur to go back and mention it earlier. :)

[Xander Harris]

Glad to be of service :)