Writing Song of Sins

[Vicky]

[SIZE=1][B]This is... something I did, based on a request from a friend, a very, very good friend. I did right away, and it's basically... something I tried hard at... because... well it's a very long story, but I want to prove something to this friend. His name is Alan, and he requested I used his name. I wanted to prove I can do something like this... so I tried hard, reviews are wanted, please. Here's some information first:

Italics are the Poem parts and thoughts, Center are the Poems, normal text is describing what he did, Bold is changing opinion to the demon inside (which is just Alan himself, though he believes it's someone else), and the very end is still Alan saying the poem, but as the demon-part, so you see the Person changes, you know? If you're smart enough, you'll see:[/B]

[CENTER][U][B]Song of the Sins[/U][/B]

[I]I sin in many different ways,
I sin on many different days.
I betrayed, attacked and defeated,
They defended, ran back and retreated.

I was never a friend to them,
Nor them to me.
Sins of the Hero,
Song of the Sins.

I trusted them a lot,
They trusted me and whatnot.
Though I betrayed them all,
It doesn?t make me proud, or tall.

I was never to be trusted,
But they could be trusted.
Sins of the Hero,
Song of the Sins.

I did it all to him too,
I would have done the same too you.
Betray, destroy, and kill,
So do something useful? write your will?

I?ll do the same to you,
Because I?ve done it before.
Sins of the Hero,
Song of the Sins?[/I][/CENTER]

He never really meant to kill them? it wasn?t his fault. It was the demon? the demon lay doormen inside of him for so long. An unbeatable demon that was a childhood menace. The dark side to Alan, the dark side to the Hero. Betrayal, destroying? killing? was is really his dark side, or just? Alan? He murdered his friends? even his father? the person he loved so much, the man who was the Hero?s Hero? and Alan murdered him without a second thought? his hands were the hands of no hero, but the hands of a sinner?

[CENTER][I]Hero, not so.
Warrior, oh no.
One, two, three,
There?s no hope let for me.

Sins, sins, sins of the Hero.
Song, song, song? of the Sins.[/I][/CENTER]

Every breath he took was the air of a murderer, the man who was a traitor, the man who was not all good, and the man who could not control his dark side. The Hero was no more, the Hero was dead, and the evil had taken its move, and won the game. Checkmate?

[CENTER][I]Oh? I?m no Hero,
No, I?m not a Zero.
I?m a killer, through and through,
And I?m coming for you, too.

Sins, sins, sins of the Hero.
Song, song, song? of the Sins.[/I][/CENTER]

His father, his friends, his family, everyone he loved and cared about became people who were murdered in his sins. Hero? no? Killer? without a doubt. Alan didn?t mean it, but maybe it was? destiny?

[I][CENTER]Never a Hero to mankind,
None of the Hero left behind.
Sins of the Hero,
Song of Sins.

Sins, sins, sins of the Hero.
Song, song, song? of the Sins.[/CENTER][/I]

[CENTER][B]It?s meant to be this way? it is? listen to my words? believe what I say:[/B]

Murder, betray.
It?s meant to be this way.
No turning back.
No other path to track.
Stay above the lowest,
Stay above Zero?

Everything you?ve done?

Are the Sins of a Hero.[/CENTER][/SIZE]

[Gentle]

[SIZE=1][COLOR=DeepPink]That's interesting, Vicky. Very. In ways, it's somewhat dumbstruck to me because of words I've learned to hate in it. If this was a challenge for something you've never written, then you've done good. I like the little pattern you got going on there.

I'm hoping this is fiction, though. A hero's sins are like the blood of the earth. You never know what might happen because of it.[/COLOR][/SIZE]

[Pawn114]

I really liked it, it flows very well, and seems to convey a sense of sin from a hero. The only critique would be the line;

I trusted them a lot,
[B]They trusted me and whatnot.[/B]
Though I betrayed them all,
It doesn?t make me proud, or tall.

I just feel whatnot doesnt work with the rest... thats just my personal opinion, however. Aside from that I found it very pleasing to read.

[BlueYoshi]

[color=teal]Yeah, it is a compelling piece; good in its own ways, that sort of thing. Personally I see it as the confessions of a Judas, with the fact that the bulk of it is told in the first person perspective and then the first paragraph in normal text, or Alan himself, suddenly switches to the second. That's interesting and all the more puzzling. ^_^

If I was to comment on the actual rhymes themselves, then I'd pretty much be echoing what Pawn114 said, heh. 'Whatnot' just doesn't cut the physique of this type of poem, it brings it down, especially that this is considered to be more on the intellectual side than just a bunch of words (to me anyway).

Other than that, I like it.[/color]

[Vicky]

[SIZE=1][B]Thank you all for your comments. Yes this is something new, since I normally write stories and poems aren't like this, so I found it a little hard to do. Though I've been playing around with that one line, because I too thought "whatnot" didn't sound so good. How about this?[/B]

[CENTER]I trusted them [B]too[/B],
I trusted them more than they [B]knew[/B].[/CENTER]

[B]I'm not so sure about this knew line, though, since I use "too" soon afterwards. I also got this one:[/B]

[CENTER]We trusted each [B]other[/B],
We depended on [B]one another[/B].[/CENTER]

[B]I like both lines, though. But which one do you all think works best? Again, thank you all for your wonderful reviews! I have 3 more to do based on the Hero in this (Poem, short story and long story, which I may not post, heh), but again, thanks. The actual consequences of the "Hero's" actions were the death of his friends, as well as his father (without their main Hero by their side, the friends all lose to their arch enemy when moral is reduced), therefore leaving the earth un protected, so it would be correct to say that a Hero's sins are the blood of the earth, heh.[/SIZE][/B]

[Pawn114]

Personally I would have to say:

I trusted them too,
I trusted them more than they knew.

It think it flows quite nicely. With that change i think it is a very nice piece of writing. How long did it take you? (my apologies if that has been mentioned previously)

-Pawn

[Vicky]

[SIZE=1][B]I'm not really sure how long it took me... around an hour, maybe even more. I wanted it to feel like something meaningful, and not the normal adventure-like things I do. I wanted to get the write, and try to make the rhyming not just be for the sake of it, so I had to change a few things and think somethings over. That's what I'm trying to aim for in most things now; meaningful things. So it took me around 1 hour - 2 hours to finish off completely.

Thanks for suggesting that line. I'll try it out.[/SIZE][/B]

[Gentle]

[SIZE=1][COLOR=DeepPink]That's good since some people nowadays don't really think about taking out that much time to write a poem or something similar. And I'd have to agree that,

[center]"I trusted them too,
I trusted them more than they knew."[/center]

does work much better for this. It'd be nice to read the short and long story to it. You were right about things being meaningful.[/COLOR][/SIZE]