Manga Can you review my manga in progress?

[Sarangeyo]

I've been working on a storyline for my newest manga, and I want to know what some people think of it! I need some help with it, and could use some feedback. :) Please be honest! ;)

Lost Memories

Prologue:

[INDENT]?Vaneral!? the summons came from the innermost sanctions of Tri?esl Mez?nelai?the Fortress of Oblivion?and the Chaos Knight heeded the call. [/INDENT]
[INDENT]Her face grimaced with distaste as she marched through the onyx halls. Vaneral noted the forge of Rya wasn?t lit as she passed it, and she couldn?t help but wonder about the weapon master. After all, she had helped her find the strange sword she now held at her side. [/INDENT] [INDENT]As she approached the main hall where the call came from, she thought about the sword. At the first touch of the blade, she was rendered powerless and out of connection from Trian the Queen of the Great Void, and only recently, she regained that power. However, she remained out of touch with Trian, and surely, that was the reason for this unexpected summons.
The grand doors that led to the Main Hall opened dramatically once Vaneral stepped in front of it. [/INDENT] [INDENT]Inside sat Trian, her stark ivory hair framing her dark obsidian form. She radiated a dangerous calm and a cunning guile. She gazed upon Vaneral, the youngest of the Oblivion Knights who were the most trusted and powerful demons of her army, Vaneral was a particular favorite of hers as her ability to render entire armies obliterated when berserk was a talent highly valued by Trian.
However, that all changed with the loss of contact between the two. It left Trian wary, and for the first time in ages, uncertain about the Oblivion Knight. [/INDENT] [INDENT]Vaneral instinctively crouched down in a bow of reverence to Trian, but a small thought suddenly tugged at her mind. Why? Why serve this cruel demon? Why bother submitting to such a?dare she think it??worthless being?[/INDENT][INDENT]Her gall shocked her, and she clenched her teeth as she waited for Trian to speak, praying fervently that she was not being spied on from inside her consciousness. [/INDENT] [INDENT]?Vaneral,? Trian spoke, breaking the silence of the room.[/INDENT]
[INDENT]Vaneral jerked back into reality and said as calmly as she could manage, ?Y?yes milady??[/INDENT][INDENT]Trian took note of the lack of confidence in the Chaos Knight. She motioned for her to stand, and said curtly, ?Change has looked upon you unkindly.? Her blood red eyes flashed, ?You ignored my calls, went about on your own will as if you were greater than me! You dared leave amidst the most important battle we?ve waged against my Sister?s servants and then come back as if nothing happened!? Vaneral tried to interrupt and defend herself, but Trian continued, growing more and more angry by the minute. By the time she finished speaking, her eyes burned with intense ire, and Vaneral crouched on the ground utterly ashamed and fearful.[/INDENT][INDENT]Yet?again, a small voice questioned why she was afraid of Trian. Vaneral suppressed the thought in an instant and forced herself to listen to the Goddess of Oblivion.[/INDENT]
[INDENT]Trian clutched her throne so tightly that her hands started to break the arms of it, and took control of her still rising temper. She spoke softly, belying the fury that welled in her, ?I took the liberty of finding what you were up to.? She raised her hand in the air with a wave of magical energy. Vaneral stiffened in shock.[/INDENT]
[INDENT]The wall behind Trian opened to reveal Rya chained to the wall. Her form hung limp and inky black blood dripped from several wounds. She looked half-dead from the beating.[/INDENT]
[INDENT]?Rya told me of this weapon you found, and explained in vague detail what it did. She said there were three types of the weapon.? Trian paused softly and watched the horrified Vaneral, and then continued, ?Now, do tell me?Where is the location of these weapons??[/INDENT]
[INDENT]Vaneral fought the lump of fear in her throat and stammered out the location of the weapons. [/INDENT]
[INDENT]The voice spoke up again angrily, Why should that fool know? What reason does she have that could explain her cruelty to Rya? [/INDENT]
[INDENT]Explosive energy and anger burst out of Trian and Vaneral clapped a hand to her mouth. Trian had pried into her thoughts![/INDENT]
[INDENT]?YOU DARE HAVE THE IMPUDENCE TO EVEN COMPLETE THAT THOUGHT!? roared Trian who now stood upright and magnificently in front of Vaneral who recoiled, ?YOU DARE QUESTION ME??[/INDENT][INDENT]The unbelievable power in those words knocked Vaneral off her feet. She struggled to stand, and felt a trickle of blood run down her face. What?s wrong with me? she thought desperately, What am I doing? She had never even criticized her Mistress much less insult her! [/INDENT] [INDENT]Yet the foreign thoughts that led to this trouble left a mark in her mind.[/INDENT]

[INDENT]Why did she serve this monster?[/INDENT]
[INDENT]For the answer, Vaneral decided to find out later, and focused retreating from Trian?s wrath. She staggered out the main hall, and out of Trian?s presence.[/INDENT]

[INDENT]Then, for reasons she had yet to discover, Vaneral ran. [/INDENT]

----------

Any critique?

Here is a pic of [URL=http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/4479318/][COLOR=Blue]Vaneral[/COLOR][/URL] if anyone'd care to look. There more in my Dev gallery.