Writing Short Story (Some foul language) Looking for Critiscism!

[Flashlight]

[I]Flowers. Flowers of all different shapes and sizes, from your bright red roses to the purple violets, littered the garden, enjoying the open air. So much care and devotion was put into that dirt mount, but it all paid off in the long run. It was quite possibly the most peaceful place on earth.[/I]

The thunderstorm roared overhead. It would not let out anytime soon.

[I]And, lying softly on a bed of grass in the center of all this glory was the most beautiful flower of all. Singing softly as it basked in the sun, it could only have been a gift from the angels.[/I]

Even over the bellowing showers, the screams went out, never stopping.

[I]Now what is this flower which sings Leon?[/I]

I threw my scabbard aside. It was no longer needed.

[I]Why you my dear. You are the only flower that can grow in my garden.[/I]

[I]Get that line from book Leon?[/I]

My grip on Serenade?s hand tightened.

[I]Too cheesy?[/I]

The rain masked her tears, but I could still see the sadness in her eyes.

[I]What?ll you say next? ?Want to make love in this little piece of heaven??

I would never ask you something like that![/I]

I held her close?

[I]Well I?m asking you.[/I]

?and I wanted to never let go.

We could no longer hear the cannons, though they still burst into the ground, taking earth and soldier alike as casualties. We could no longer here much of anything over the rain and thunder.

Except the screams. They never disappeared, going on and on like a horrible chant. I could no longer discern reality and illusion from one another. A nightmare that was both dream and actuality at once without being either at the same time.

I never wanted this for her.

I tried so hard for her to never experience this.

But, it seems Fate had another fortune in store for me.

My blade in one hand, Serenade?s in the other, I ran forward through the gates of The Keep, cutting down any man who stood in my way.

A horse sprinted towards us; it?s master dead on his back. I quickly took hold of it?s reigns as it passed, calming the mighty steed and removing the body from it?s mount.
I pulled it hard. It flew off, crashing to the ground, the black helmet coming loose to reveal his grizzly face. I tried to pull her aside but it was too late; his cold black eyes pierced into hers like daggers, and she screamed.

I heard it clear as glass, deafening it was, tearing my body and soul loose to sends such as shock through my system I could no longer hold my bearings.

Flailing my arms wildly to try and find something?anything?to latch onto, I fell the muddy earth, shivering.

[I]Christine! Christine, are you ok!?![/I]

[I]I?I killed him Leon. I killed him.

It?s all right; it?s all right Chris. You had no choice; it was either him or you. You only did what you had to.

His eyes. His cold, bloodless, hating eyes!

What? What about his eyes?

?

What is it Chris?

?

Chris?

?They hurt.[/I]

Darkness. Then, a wash of purple. Swirling, joining to become one.

Someone was shaking me, calling me. It suddenly stopped.

I jolted upright, my eyes barely open, a mace charging me.

Not fast enough, I swung aside, but it caught me in the shoulder. Tearing my muscles apart, I managed to use the force to swing my body, running my sword through his belly.

Catching myself, I took another stroke at his neck, then taking two others as he fell.
It caused my great pain to move my left arm, but I endured, straddling her and myself to the horse.

We ran. Like the plague, we moved, swiftly passing the bloodshed and leaving it behind us. I would not risk her, not even for my kingdom.

[I]When you have a child, what are you going to name him?[/I]

She would not be risked.

[I]Well, if it were a boy, I?d say? Damian.

A typical chick answer.[/I]

A small troupe of soldiers approached us from ahead, their captain mounted at their front.

[I]Well, what do you got hot shot?[/I]

He raised his spear. She clung tighter.

[I]Well, um, Se?Sebastian.[/I]

I managed to duck under his swing, then, letting go of the reigns for a moment, grabbed his spear and wrenched it from him.

[I]Oh yeah, that?s a real manly name. Well, how about for a girl?[/I]

Positioning it in my injured hand, I could at least fend off oncoming warriors without losing control of the horse.

[I]I don?t know. You first.[/I]

The fog was too thick, I couldn?t see.

[I]Actually, I?ve always been in love with the name Serenade.

Serenade?

Yeah.

If we ever have a daughter, we are not naming her Serenade.

Hey! Who ever said anything about us? Trust me, you ain?t never gonnna get any from me![/I]

I suddenly realized we were lost.

?Daddy? Are we going to be ok??

I turned my head.

?Don?t worry sweetie. We?ll be fine.?

An arrow flew from the sky piercing my chest.

?Dad!?

I wrenched it out.

?Don?t worry. It?ll be ok.?

I urged the horse to go faster?the direction?the destination?it didn?t matter. As
long as we were far away from here, I didn?t care.

[I]~To play the piano one must stroke the keys gently, lest one is simply making noise.~

What are you talking about?

Don?t you think it?s a bit dangerous to be to be playing near a cliff?

Back off Christine, I think this guy?s got something up his sleeve.

~It?s only been an hour since you gave birth. How does one mere female have so
much power?~

Shut the **** up! I am not going to lose my daughter to someone like you! I?m not!

~Such harsh words, little miss. Do not worry, the girl will be safe. I shall raise her as if she was my own.~

Why?

~Why? Because she is royalty. He is not worthy to rule this land; you have a very bad taste in men little miss. I, however, am fit to rule this country, as so I will use her to gain power, when the time is right and she has reached a proper age to vouch for me. She will live well though. Unfortunately, I cannot say the same for you.~[/I]

We hit something. The horse fell. The air was heavy.

[I]Christine!

~Off the cliff she goes. Foolish girl, I?m surprised she didn?t die of exhaustion just standing there.~

[B]Death[/B].[/I]

A sword drove into my backside. The world was purple again. A dark, haunting purple. Violet?

[I]I understand you are upset over Christine?s death, but do not forget about your daughter! Why, you haven?t even given her a name. Will you give her Violet as planned?[/I]

I reached for her hand.

[I]Serenade.[/I]

She grabbed hold. It was the only warmth passing through my body.

Suddenly she was torn from me. The lights went out.



?Serenade, did you water the Violets yet??

?Sorry, I?ll get right on it.?

?Your father always loved Violets.?

?That?s why we grow so many. Right Mom??

?Yes. I?I supposed that?s right.?
----------

I don't like the ending myself, it feels rushed, but I honestly can't figure out how to fix it. Anywho, please give your thoughts. Anything (And I mean anything) that you didn't like you should tell me. I really need it. :)

[KarmaOfChaos]

[SIZE=1][color=deeppink]I really liked the premise of this story, and the feel of it. However, the way it was put together made it rather hard to read. You could definitely clean this up with quotation marks and more attention to grammar and form. Try giving clear and defined paragraphs when necessary,and using quotations for speech, and having spaces between them. For example:

"This is how speech should go," she said.

'This is a thought,' he thought to himself.

The way you have it now, it is very difficult to tell flashback apart from speech, and to tell speech apart from just descriptive paragraph. Even if you choose against the way I've shown to seperate speech and flashback/thoughts, you should find some way of discerning the two.

If you decide to continue on with this story, maybe give some history for the characters and how they arrived at the point in time where the original tale takes place, it would make for a good read. :)

-Karma[/color][/SIZE]

[Flashlight]

Thanks for the reply.
I've added spaces between the paragraphs so that it's easier to read (Hopefully).

Since it's in first-person perspective, I decided to integrate thought and description toghether, I feel it helps the story mesh more. Everything in italics is flashback, so I hope that I didn't write it so that it could be confused as Leon's conscious thought.

I don't know if I'll continue this. It would be fun, but honestly it's the first story I've actually completed in a while, and I'm already losing interest in it. But, it's held up longer than others, so maybe...

Anywho, thanks for your thoughts. I really appreciate it. :)

[KarmaOfChaos]

[SIZE=1][color=deeppink] The spacing makes the story look MUCH cleaner and it is a lot easier to read. This is a good short little piece all by itself, if you don't decide to continue it. One thing I would try to stay away from in future stories though is too many "one-liners", or stories full of single lines of description followed by speech or a thought. While it is sometimes necessary, it generally doesn't look very good, and can lead the author into a trap of having shallow or confusing stories.

Keep Writing!

-Karma[/color][/SIZE]