Rethink my strategy?

[Gelgoog Pilot]

Ok I've been thinking...I know I'm not the best at getting girls but I think one of the reasons is the way I got about it. I want some feedback on it.

So normally I see a girl I like and think of going out with. I try and get to know her first, become friends and all that. The problem is, that doesn't seem to work.

Actually the only REAL successful relationship I've had is with a girl I met on a blind date. It lasted like a year. So my question is basically which way do you think is best? Befriending them so they think of you as a friend and nothing more or just going in and asking them out and what not straight off the bat. Personnaly I don't think I can handle the later I'm much too much of a nervous person. :(

[Black Moon]

Hey, I don't know about [I]all[/I] girls, but I like to get to know the guys. Maybe your problem with "befriending them" is that you don't show any possiblity that you might have feelings for the girl. Maybe try when you talk to her, you touch her arm in a casual way, or look into her eyes. They way I got hooked on a guy was he seemed really open, for instance, he told me the problems he was haveing with his mother. That showed me he trusted me with his secrets. Have you maybe hugged them in a friendly manner? Asked them out for a cup of coffee of a burgar? I highly recomend this, but try to be suttle, but not too suttle, about it, though. Don't make it seem like you're going really fast with the relationship.

[Japan]

[COLOR=Navy]I think that the strategy you have is good. If some guy walked up to me that I didn't even know, and asked me out. I would be freaked out. I'd like to know whether the guy is somebody that is really perfect or not.

I am shy, and the going up to guys I don't know ask them if they wanted to date me would be pretty nerve racking.

You're not alone. Every single guy I liked, only liked me as a friend in return and nothing more. [/COLOR]

[Hevn]

[COLOR=RoyalBlue][SIZE=1][B]Don't worry. Once you get to see a girl that you like head-over-heels you'll find yourself doing crazy stuff you've never done before. Keep your composure and maintain the befriending thingy and don't hurry! Just take your time.... ^_^x[/B][/SIZE][/COLOR]

[Dan L]

A lot of guys think that you shouldn't get to know a girl before you ask them out- or you shouldn't be friends first. The thing is, it introduces a lot more risk- in that if you break up with her, then if things go weird after that, then you're worse off than you were in the first place.

However, it is far better to be seeing someone who you already know. You really don't want to be fooling each other about who you are and giving false impressions. Because some day, you're each going to find out. And it's far better to know all along than to become disillusioned about each other.

[Baron Samedi]

[size=1]Your approach is fine. You're just not having the best results. Why? Maybe they don't have an interest in you. Maybe if you...become more of a good acquaintance rather than a really good friend. Friendships are hard to lose, but acquaintances can only grow. Basically, anyway, lol.[/size]

[Inuyasha311]

Well I can tell you how my boyfriend and me got started off.I like to be good friends before I enter a relationship so him and me have been good friends for I say about 2year before we started going out.I must say the first month was kinda rocky.But now we have been together for 4 years and that doesn't include the 2years we were friends.I'm not sure about all girls but, I like to be good friends before I start to date.So I don't your strategy is bad.

[Nut]

I think that you definetly should be friends with girls before going out with them. But I also think that you should flirt around too. I prefer knowing the girl, I want to go out with,as a friend, and as time passes by, you become closer and closer, and intimate...yup...

[ChibiHorsewoman]

[color=darkviolet]I ended up marrying the guy I was friends with if that answers your question.

If not well...I really rather get to know a guy and think if I'd want to know him better or not than suddenly have him ask me out right off the bat. It works out pretty well that way because you can find out what things you have in common and if that person attracts you more than just physically. Don't get me wrong, physical attractions are nice, but you can't really have a serious relationship with just physical attraction since after a while that wears off. I mean, don't you think Nick Lachet (or whatever) tries to bash his head with a two by four every once in a while becuase he's married to Jessica Simpson? And aren't you starting to wonder if maybe that guy Anna Nicole was with commited suicide?

I think your approach is fairly well thought out, but what I'd do is try to be a bit less nervous when you think you may want to takie your friendship to another level. I doubt most women really want to just feel like friends with benifits.[/color]

[Semjaza]

In terms of being friends first... there's differences. A guy can be a friend, but if he's around enough and is never aggressive with his feelings he'll instead become a guy version of a girlfriend. Basically, someone you tell all your problems to but would never think of actually dating.

If you cross over that dividing line, you're ******, sorry to say. It's a very fine line, but it's also very hard to get yourself back out of it.

That said, I've been friends first with a few girls I've dated and not with a couple others. I'd say the success rate of both is really just fifty fifty. There's too many variables to really say one is better than the other. However, based on my experience, I felt the relationships that were originally friendships were more meaningful. Just make sure you don't become an emotional punching bag instead of a man she'd consider seeing at some point.

[Gelgoog Pilot]

Well thanks..this both helped and...confused me lol. Hmm after posting that alternate idea i thought it was wierd too. Hmmm I think my other problem is just telling if the girl has any feelings for me besides friendship.

And don't worry I'm not at all comfortable with the friends with benifits crap. Just isn't nice...Hmmm I doubt I'd have the guts to do some of the agrressive stuff you people talked about though I did hug one girl I was into...and still am but alass.

[foreverinfinity]

It kind of depends on the specifics of the situation.
If you meet her and you automatically hit it off and your friends, stay friends with her for a week or two before asking her out so that she will be comfortable with you, but won't be too used to the idea of being "just friends."
If she is a good aquantance and you like her, than go ahead and ask her out, because even if she says no, it won't ruin a really good friendship, but it will speed up the process of getting to know her, and you won't seem clingy by trying too hard to make friends with her.
If you like her from a distance and think she's cute, but never really talked to her, forget about it.
P.S.-if this helps, pm me.

[Charles]

[QUOTE=Gelgoog Pilot]Well thanks..this both helped and...confused me lol. Hmm after posting that alternate idea i thought it was wierd too. Hmmm I think my other problem is just telling if the girl has any feelings for me besides friendship.

And don't worry I'm not at all comfortable with the friends with benifits crap. Just isn't nice...Hmmm I doubt I'd have the guts to do some of the agrressive stuff you people talked about though I did hug one girl I was into...and still am but alass.[/QUOTE]It sounds to me like you want to find a nice medium to ease your way into these relationships to compensate for your timid nature. Once you've established a reasonably solid, basic friendship with a girl, try asking them out as a friend. You'll get to hang out together with less pressure on your shoulders; it's a good feeling-out process for the both of you. Initially you may want to invite her with other friends involved before just limiting it to the two of you. But if she constantly insists on bringing other people along at that point, then she's probably not interested in pursuing a relationship with you beyond the realms of a platonic friendship.

[SilverCyclone]

I use the exact same approach. My funny nature really helps. Thats how I got my last two girlfriends. I find nothing wrong with your technique, but maybe you rub off wrong. Girls seem to know more then they let on. You might have said something, and she took it the wrong way. Keep trying though. Im sure some girl is looking at you and waiting. Good luck!

[Mitch]

[size=1][color=red] Just get a blow-up doll.

I have my own. We have a lot of good time together. She's like my best friend, and we're soulmates.

She never bitches. She never complains. She just sits there like a nice little girl. Also, she's curvy and an airhead. I like that about her.

Yesterday I kissed her for the first time. When we kissed I told her I like how quiet she is all the time, and how she's mine, all mine.

I got mine off of e-bay. Some lonely guy was selling it. So I jumped at the offer--and boy did I get it cheap, since no one else seemed to want Cynthia but me.

I don't know what I'd do without her.

I guess I'd still be a virgin is what it'd be without her, and I'd be still lonely and doing it all with myself.

I think I'm going to marry her soon enough. I bought her this toy ring the other day, and I went on my knee, and asked her the question. She didn't say anything though. I tend to believe that means yes from her, but you never know. Women are indecisive--you've got to give them time.

Here's to hoping.[/size][/color]

[k9-Girl]

Women are individuals and therefor don't really apply to any universal formula for courting.

As cliche as it sounds, be yourself and just ask them out as casually as you can, if that doesn't work then that doesn't work. Be creative and don't be afraid to be persistent, some women enjoy the chase and like playing hard to get, they want to feel you really really want them as an individual and not just as the most conveniently available item on the shelf.

Blow up dolls are the yuck, no girl has respect for a guy who has ever used one. Trust me, the real thing is better, we're soft & smooth on the outside and warm & goey on the inside, trust me, we're worth the trouble.

[Vash IDK]

[QUOTE=Gelgoog Pilot]Ok I've been thinking...I know I'm not the best at getting girls but I think one of the reasons is the way I got about it. I want some feedback on it.

So normally I see a girl I like and think of going out with. I try and get to know her first, become friends and all that. The problem is, that doesn't seem to work.

Actually the only REAL successful relationship I've had is with a girl I met on a blind date. It lasted like a year. So my question is basically which way do you think is best? Befriending them so they think of you as a friend and nothing more or just going in and asking them out and what not straight off the bat. Personnaly I don't think I can handle the later I'm much too much of a nervous person. :([/QUOTE]

Personally, I like to get to know the guy first before I accept anything. But for the record, I'd want them to get to know me [i]first[/i] before they [I]saw [/I] me and thought of asking me out. Not the other way around. ;)

[k9-Girl]

[quote name='Vash IDK]Personally, I like to get to know the guy first before I accept anything. But for the record, I'd want them to get to know me [i]first[/i] before they [I]saw [/I'] me and thought of asking me out. Not the other way around. ;)[/quote]

True True, that's what everyone woman wants, proof that we're desired as an individual and not just as an interchangeable member of the oposite sex. But humans are fickle things and looks are indeed important, it's only natural, not that appearance can't be made secondary to personality (as lord knows we girls make tons of compromises in the appearance and personality of our boys), but still, knowing he is the real deal, there are few girls who wouldn't want to be found physically attractive by their boy.

Sigh... all this talk has me wanting a boy of my own now... It's been so long since someone has held me in their arms... arghhh! Just wish it didn't look so bad for girls to take the initiative, but never mind that, I'm getting off topic.

[Vash IDK]

[quote name='k9-Girl']True True, that's what everyone woman wants, proof that we're desired as an individual and not just as an interchangeable member of the oposite sex. But humans are fickle things and looks are indeed important, it's only natural, not that appearance can't be made secondary to personality (as lord knows we girls make tons of compromises in the appearance and personality of our boys), but still, knowing he is the real deal, there are few girls who wouldn't want to be found physically attractive by their boy.[/quote]

So do you think it's unreasonable or unrealistic to ask for something like that? Because I don't think it's wrong to ask for something like that. Besides, I know for myself that would be the ONLY way I'd accept something like that. And if it means that I;ll be waiting for a LONG time, then so be it. I'm in no hurry ;)

[eh luu]

In my opinion, i think both ways are good, i mean its happened to me, where a guy has befriended me and we became good friends then he asked me out, and we went out for a few months.
But its not always the best way because some girls.. when they have guy friends and they have been friends with them well enough, might not think of them as more but just rather a friend.
i'd rather if a guy went out and asked me out, unless you are a total stranger off the street, then i'd rather you atleast talk to me for a bit, have a week of talking and flirting then casually be asked out. XD that'd be interesting in my perspective.

I dont know, for some reason its a hard subject for me to choose.
Or to choose in general, the summer is hacking away at me, i am telling you, my brain is turning into mush..o_o

[ChibiHorsewoman]

[quote name='k9-Girl']True True, that's what everyone woman wants, proof that we're desired as an individual and not just as an interchangeable member of the oposite sex. But humans are fickle things and looks are indeed important, it's only natural, not that appearance can't be made secondary to personality (as lord knows we girls make tons of compromises in the appearance and personality of our boys), but still, knowing he is the real deal, there are few girls who wouldn't want to be found physically attractive by their boy.[/quote]


[color=darkviolet]So is it, in your opinion, impossible to get to be in a relationship with someone if you don't find them physically attractive? True, when people see eachother for the first time they usually go by appearance (hell, I know I thought my husband looked good the first time I saw him I'm not going to lie) but to have an actual relationship there has to be more to a person than just looks.

For example there are quite a few guys I know who looked pretty hot when I knew them in high school and college, but they were, rude, nasty superficial and couldn't hold a conversation with a houseplant, let alone someone of their own species with a 3.0 GPA. THen I had a few guy friends who I could carry on intelligent conversations with, but other than that weren't my type. Yes, I thought that some of them were good looking, but I could never think of managing anything more than a friendly hug.

I don't make compromises for a person I'm in a relationship with whethere than relationship is platonic or romantic. I don't even understand how peopel do that-especially otherwise intelligent women who could do much better on their own. I don't mind the fact that no matter what I look like my husband still thinks I'm sexy (even if at times I'm convinced that it's only because he spends so much time away from me. But I also like the fact that he knows he can trust me to do more with myself than sit around and make him look intelligent all day.

But still I think that the best way to get into a relationship with someone is to get to know them first as a person. Because looks are nice, but they tend to fade over time (unless you happen to know a good plastic surgeon) and the whole appeal of a new relationship tends to wear off if you have nothing in common with someone other than the fact that you can both turn O2 into CO2.[/color]

[k9-Girl]

I was merely stating that each has its place, not that its impossible to have one without the other or that one takes presidence over another. God you people read into things way too much for your own good.

Sigh... Allow me to go more into detail...

First let's get the facts out of the way..

We are animals, nothing more and nothing less. Though we possess emotions, awareness, and the illusion of free-will we are all still very much the products (by no matter of how many degrees removed) of biological algorythms, animals instincts and conditioned habituations which from there have structured our more complex upper strata of consciousness making us sentient beings.

Now onto the more philosophical side...

There is nothing wrong in falling in love with someone because of the way they look and then later falling in love with their personality and there is nothing wrong with falling in love with their personality in spite of or before falling in love with the way they look. Love is an emotion, which is a biological chemical reaction, which is a motivator (stimulus) that drives us, love is a chemical cocktail that is nature's way of giving us incentive to find a mate, someone to be with, and from there, eventually copulate and propogate. This does not mean that love's ultimate end for us, as we have become, is simply making babies, but it still is a reminder to us of where this emotion, that we now prize as being something more, came from and what purpose it was originally meant to serve. In other words... Just because we can now, as humans, indulge in such emotions for more than what they were originally intended for doesn't change the fact why they were there in the first place and why we are still driven to achieve them.

This being the case, Love is love no matter what envokes the emotion, whether it be love at first sight, a beautiful body that draws you in to learn more about the person or a charming personality that drives you to meet the individual in person, love is love. Everything beyond that is subject to personal preference and our own individual ideals.Just know which one you want and as long as you find happiness, all else is irrelivent in hindsight.

[ChibiHorsewoman]

[color=darkviolet] There can be some reasoning to starting a relationship with someone before you actually get to know them, look at arranged marriages. Especially those ones between the upper classes and nobility where the bride and groom were merely pawns to gain land or alliances with other countries. Those worked out well enough. Sometimes the couple did learn to love eachother. Other times they stayed together because divorce was not allowed by the church (with some rather infamous exceptions) and the unhappy spouses would get a few mistresses or arrange to have the person killed (Catherine the great of Russia)

Actually I have read of cases where an arranged marriage has worked in these 'modern' times. Infact in some cultures dating is discouraged or not allowed in the first place so couples never meet until they get married. Not my way of doing things, but I guess it could work. As long as dowry isn't a deciding factor.

Maybe I would just rather get to know a person prior to getting into a serious relationship is based on a personal bias. I had two failed blind dates, one was set up by my now husband with his best friend, who strictly dates younger women than himself. I could go on about that one for a few hours. And a few crappy relationships with guys I just knew vaguely.Where as getting to know someone lead to a slightly better relationship in most cases and I ended up married to the guy I was really good friends with-even though he set me up on a very awkward blind date. I guess someone could say that him being with me is some kind of divine punishment for that blind date. Maybe it is.[/color] :laugh:

[HoT LaVa 904]

I got a question. Theres this one girl at the basketball gym and my team always practices with hers. I really want to go out with this girl but I don't know her at all. I want to talk to her but I don't know what to say or how to start a conversation with her. So what should I say to her?

[k9-Girl]

[quote name='HoT LaVa 904']I got a question. Theres this one girl at the basketball gym and my team always practices with hers. I really want to go out with this girl but I don't know her at all. I want to talk to her but I don't know what to say or how to start a conversation with her. So what should I say to her?[/quote]

Just find an excuse to talk to her, about anything, just be casual and use your own discresion from there. You are more of an expert than you think you are and will benefit more from your own gut instinct than any number of words that can be put on a forum.