Guest gendou ikari Posted July 24, 2004 Share Posted July 24, 2004 Nararator:Aliens appeared. Because aliens do that. some guy: You really should add more detai... Narrarator: *Hear gunshot* Ok as I was saying. Aliens appeared! In the face of a poy named rick! And... He had hair!red...hair... Alien 1: Im am Zackdore Alien 2: I am lukedaiye Alien 3 : Dude, luikdaiye isn't even an alien name. Alien four: I am yeekdon Alien 5: And I am Bob *Aliens look at Alien 5* Alien 5 : I mean Geeglor. Alien 1 : Yes well, who exactley are we talking to? Alien 5: To that Ri... Alien 1: I knew that! Rick: Ok, who the hell are you? And why the hell are your belly buttons so big? I mean, Ive seen smaller grapefruits! Aliens:..... Alien 2 : Shutup! We supply the Questions...Around...Here....Were is your bread? Alien 5 pulls out dictionary: Sir I think you mean leader. Alien 1 : I knew that! Just... Take me too your frickin leader... Please... Now! Its time for the thrizzle from minizzle! Rick: Ok... Turn left from these woods avoid the flesh eating monkeys and turn right on I 49. Alien 4 : We are eternally greatful for your support. We must be going. Alien 1 as they walk away: WTF? ETERNALLY GREATFUL MY @SS! I WAS PLANNING ON SPACE ZAPPING HIM! Alien 3: There totally up da hizzle. And he was like " look man hurrt the girl but leave me alone!" And I was all shizz this fizz homie! And he was like Word. Alien 1: What on god's green earth are you talking abou.. * As they cross the intersection* Red truck: Beep Beep!!!!!!!! *smacks alien 2 and rips his leg off* Alien 2 : Ahh d@mn, Ahhh.... Guys I need a little help... Ohhh that hurts.. Ouch.. I think my leg got ripped off. Lemme check.. Ooooh yeah... Ouch...Guys....Guys...Guys! My legs ripped off here! *Aliens continue to act like retards* Alien 3: *strikes rapper pose* WORD. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dragon Warrior Posted July 24, 2004 Share Posted July 24, 2004 Okay, I have no clue what that was XD And I do random stuff all the time. Well, first off, it was a tad hard to read. You should really fix up the grammar and spelling on this beast because that'll make it more funnier if you can actually read it :) Oh, and certain parts like: [quote]Alien 1 as they walk away: WTF? ETERNALLY...[/quote] The place with the "as they walk away" should either be on the other side of the colons or in parentheses. This is a rule that must be played out when writing in script form. Other wise it looks like that's the alien's name XD But... uh... yeah, clean up the grammar and spelling and we'll see what happens from there ^_^ Also try to put some kind of plot into this. I was confused the whole way through of what it's about XP Aliens attacking? I'm guessing that was it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest MangaFreak Posted July 24, 2004 Share Posted July 24, 2004 That was utterly pointless and soo like my Wednessday night (I have a place called the attic I go to)! The third alien reminds me of a boy named Colmon (from the attic). Very ful of himself and kind of like a white man posing to be black (minorities rule!). Ya, its kind of like that. But if I did have a sence of humor... it was great. It was hard to read but ok. Keep going... I'll read cause I'm realy bored right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G/S/B Master Posted July 25, 2004 Share Posted July 25, 2004 [COLOR=SlateGray][SIZE=1][FONT=Century Gothic][QUOTE=gendou ikari]Nararator:Aliens appeared. Because aliens do that. some guy: You really should add more detai... Narrarator: *Hear gunshot* Ok as I was saying. Aliens appeared! In the face of a poy named rick! And... He had hair!red...hair... Alien 1: Im am Zackdore Alien 2: I am lukedaiye Alien 3 : Dude, luikdaiye isn't even an alien name. Alien four: I am yeekdon Alien 5: And I am Bob *Aliens look at Alien 5* Alien 5 : I mean Geeglor. Alien 1 : Yes well, who exactley are we talking to? Alien 5: To that Ri... Alien 1: I knew that! Rick: Ok, who the hell are you? And why the hell are your belly buttons so big? I mean, Ive seen smaller grapefruits! Aliens:..... Alien 2 : Shutup! We supply the Questions...Around...Here....Were is your bread? Alien 5 pulls out dictionary: Sir I think you mean leader. Alien 1 : I knew that! Just... Take me too your frickin leader... Please... Now! Its time for the thrizzle from minizzle! Rick: Ok... Turn left from these woods avoid the flesh eating monkeys and turn right on I 49. Alien 4 : We are eternally greatful for your support. We must be going. Alien 1 as they walk away: WTF? ETERNALLY GREATFUL MY @SS! I WAS PLANNING ON SPACE ZAPPING HIM! Alien 3: There totally up da hizzle. And he was like " look man hurrt the girl but leave me alone!" And I was all shizz this fizz homie! And he was like Word. Alien 1: What on god's green earth are you talking abou.. * As they cross the intersection* Red truck: Beep Beep!!!!!!!! *smacks alien 2 and rips his leg off* Alien 2 : Ahh d@mn, Ahhh.... Guys I need a little help... Ohhh that hurts.. Ouch.. I think my leg got ripped off. Lemme check.. Ooooh yeah... Ouch...Guys....Guys...Guys! My legs ripped off here! *Aliens continue to act like retards* Alien 3: *strikes rapper pose* WORD.[/QUOTE] ....Not funny. Does the phrase "Crash and Burn" mean anything to you? I'll take you step by step through your mistakes. But before I help you with your writing.... [quote name='MangaFreak']That was utterly pointless and soo like my Wednessday night (I have a place called the attic I go to)! The third alien reminds me of a boy named Colmon (from the attic). Very ful of himself and kind of like a white man posing to be black (minorities rule!). Ya, its kind of like that. But if I did have a sence of humor... it was great. It was hard to read but ok. Keep going... I'll read cause I'm realy bored right now.[/quote] MangaFreak, your post is as pointless as Cao Cao's poetry. If you're going to "boo" him for his attempt at comedy, at least do it with a little appreciation, and PLEASE proofread your post. [quote name='gendou ikari']Nararator:Aliens appeared. Because aliens do that.[/quote] Get a good hook. The story is already dead to me after reading that. [QUOTE=gendou ikari]Narrarator: *Hear gunshot* Ok as I was saying. Aliens appeared! In the face of a poy named rick! And... He had hair!red...hair... Alien 1: Im am Zackdore Alien 2: I am lukedaiye Alien 3 : Dude, luikdaiye isn't even an alien name. Alien four: I am yeekdon Alien 5: And I am Bob *Aliens look at Alien 5* Alien 5 : I mean Geeglor. Alien 1 : Yes well, who exactley are we talking to? Alien 5: To that Ri... Alien 1: I knew that! [/quote] o.O;;;;. Huh? Whats a Poy? To the rest of the story. I had no FRIGGIN idea what is happening. Until this came smashing into my face. [QUOTE=gendou ikari]*Aliens continue to act like retards* Alien 3: *strikes rapper pose* WORD[/quote] Does this part relate to you? [quote=gendou ikari]Alien 3: There totally up da hizzle. And he was like " look man hurrt the girl but leave me alone!" And I was all shizz this fizz homie! And he was like Word. [/quote] Shizz the fizz? Practice slang for god sakes.... I'm not going to get any further then this. Just work on your spelling, focus on your main plot (don't be all over the place like a frog), and don't be trying too hard on being funny. Or you will be targeted by D_A's blood thirsty sheeps.[/FONT][/SIZE][/COLOR] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pawn114 Posted July 25, 2004 Share Posted July 25, 2004 Well, lets see... I totally agree with G/S/B Master and everything he says. You really need to fix up your grammer, spelling... and for god's sake dont ever say [Quote]Alien 3: There totally up da hizzle. And he was like " look man hurrt the girl but leave me alone!" And I was all shizz this fizz homie! And he was like Word.[/Quote] again... *shudder* Alright, the critique: 1.) As I previously stated... fix up your grammer and spelling before you post something to be critiqued. 2.) Get a plot, as far as I can tell, it was some fairly moronic aliens with no goal other then to say 'word' (whatever that means... :rolleyes: ). A plot is the backbone of a story, without it... its just a bit of pretty words. 3.) Dont use abbreviations, such as "WTF!1!!" or similar things, put it out in full, and if you dont want to offend people, dont put it in. Thats one of my pet peeves... I can understand lol, because it is so common... but most others are truly, truly pointless aside from a realtime chat conversation to get your point across quickly. 4.) As Dragon Warrior previously said: If your going to show a piece as in a script form, adhere to the rules of a script form. Actions go in Brackets () etc. 5.) I truly didnt get any humor from this, it might just be me. But aliens acting like morons doesnt entertain me. Random humor can sometimes be funny (as Dragon Warrior manages to show quite a bit from what I've seen of him). [U]Summary:[/U] You need to work on quite a bit of this to make the effort seem worthwhile to me. It seems like a quickly thrown off story done whilst bored, so I wouldnt imagine it would get done. Sorry if any of that seemed a tad bit harsh, I didnt intend for it to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest gendou ikari Posted July 25, 2004 Share Posted July 25, 2004 Haha. Wow. Ok first off. Shizz the fizz was supposed to be messed up. Ok. Thats one. Two is.... Wow. Was that actually critisizm as it was....Killing me? Oh and the plot thing. I hate plots for comedy stories. Not funny eh. At least I got one good critisizment ( Im not good at spelling) Thanks for uhhh...Putting me down....Dude... I dont think any of that was really critisizm. Now! Its time for the thrizzle from minizzle!= THRILLER FROM MANILLER Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest MangaFreak Posted July 25, 2004 Share Posted July 25, 2004 [QUOTE=G/S/B Master][COLOR=SlateGray][SIZE=1][FONT=Century Gothic] MangaFreak, your post is as pointless as Cao Cao's poetry. If you're going to "boo" him for his attempt at comedy, at least do it with a little appreciation, and PLEASE proofread your post. [/COLOR][/QUOTE] Ok, whatever. I wasn't booing him so you know. When I state utterly pointless thats because I think every thing is. I for one am intrigued but not impressed. I enjoy reading when I'm bored and this realy hits the spot. I do appreciate the effort he put into it but I don't realy laugh so it doesn't realy matter what he types. And I, being a total and complete igit, have no clue what proofread is. For gods sake I don't even know my best friends name! So shut the hell up! Sorry, got a little frustrated. I apoligize for the out burst. I don't like to be corrected unless I agree that I did some thing wrong which in this case I do not. But we all have our own opinions so lets just leave it at that. Oh and whoever is posting the story... please keep going. I'm extremely bored right now. May the khefts steal away G/S/B Master's ka and deliver it to the forty beasts and bring him down to sickness and blindness and leave not but the shell of him. For by the power of Set, he shall suffer for comdeming you. Sorry, I love doing that! that kind of stuff rocks! Cursing people that is. Wonder if it will work? Who cares. Continue with the silly story! Or you too shall burn in hell! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hevn Posted July 25, 2004 Share Posted July 25, 2004 [COLOR=RoyalBlue][SIZE=1][B]Just for the heck of it, Alien Bob made me smile a little. He's like the only sane character here. Ummm, that's all I wanna say to all who posted here that are not yet banned... ^_^x [COLOR=Purple]*slightly meanie mode* EDIT: And, yeah, I hate it when people spell GRATEFUL as GREATFUL!!! Greatful is not even a word![/COLOR][/B][/SIZE][/COLOR] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G/S/B Master Posted July 25, 2004 Share Posted July 25, 2004 [QUOTE=MangaFreak]Ok, whatever. I wasn't booing him so you know. When I state utterly pointless thats because I think every thing is. I for one am intrigued but not impressed. I enjoy reading when I'm bored and this realy hits the spot. I do appreciate the effort he put into it but I don't realy laugh so it doesn't realy matter what he types. And I, being a total and complete igit, have no clue what proofread is. For gods sake I don't even know my best friends name! So shut the hell up! Sorry, got a little frustrated. I apoligize for the out burst. I don't like to be corrected unless I agree that I did some thing wrong which in this case I do not. But we all have our own opinions so lets just leave it at that. Oh and whoever is posting the story... please keep going. I'm extremely bored right now. May the khefts steal away G/S/B Master's ka and deliver it to the forty beasts and bring him down to sickness and blindness and leave not but the shell of him. For by the power of Set, he shall suffer for comdeming you. Sorry, I love doing that! that kind of stuff rocks! Cursing people that is. Wonder if it will work? Who cares. Continue with the silly story! Or you too shall burn in hell![/QUOTE] Ah, sorry heh. Miscomunication. I always see the wrong side of the story. Also..... [quote=]Mangafreak]May the khefts steal away G/S/B Master's ka and deliver it to the forty beasts and bring him down to sickness and blindness and leave not but the shell of him. For by the power of Set, he shall suffer for comdeming you. Sorry, I love doing that! that kind of stuff rocks! Cursing people that is. Wonder if it will work? Who cares. Continue with the silly story! Or you too shall burn in hell![/quote] ??? The story is never going to continue since he's banned. Plus, I do NOT know what you said there. lol. Sorry. [quote name='Kazuko']Oh yah, and GSB Master, try and be a wee less harsh. You're not exactly a mod. [/quote] Gotcha, but it's hard not to be harsh to stories that gets in your nerves. -_-;;;. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Asphyxia Posted July 26, 2004 Share Posted July 26, 2004 [font=Verdana][size=1]Seeing as gendou ikari has been banned, this thread is pointless. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Closed.[/size][/font] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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