Writing this is a peice from a book I'm writing, please just let me know what you think

[Guest TwiztedLilHart]

I don't have the rough draft on hand... But this is the general gist of the story, please comment and offer constructive critisism!!! ( I know beggers can't be choosers but no flamers please, my writing isn't the best but hey, I'm only 14) Thank you!!!

Scarlet Moons
Chapter 1

Night came and went, silent as my own futile attempts at a scream. Lying in my room, I listened to the yelling and screaming of my mom and my older brother, Ty. These fights had become routine for them, nothing out of the ordinary when I came home to Ty yelling about Mom being an old naggy bitch, he was 18 he could do what he wanted. Then came Mom's usual answer of "you're right, you're 18 so can move out and get a full time job and pay you'r own damn insurance!" But somehow tonight was different, maybe it the tones and levels of their voices that sent shivers down my back and made my hair stand on end... Whatever it was, I now know I should've done something about it.
I heard The front door slam and assumed Ty had stormed off to Steve's house to get away from Mom. I was half right.
A blood curtling scream pierced the night, blending with the sound of squealing tires. I ran to the front door hurtling myself off the porch and into the lawn, my stomach already in knots and an increasing sense of dread growing in my heart.
I bolted for the street, only slowing a fraction of a second when the cold air and icy ground finally registered. I kept going though, heading for my brother's truck... His usually spotless white F150 was splattered with blood, dripping and staining the crystal black pavement.
There was already a large group of people congregated in the middle of the road. A couple of them were weeping, and one or two had fainted. All I could think about was the smell though... This deep intoxicating, iron smell...
I bullied my way to the front where I saw a man, kneeling in a pool of blood, cradling a woman's body in his arms... But I couldn't see her... If only he would move... I suppose I should wonder why nobody tried to stop me, I guess they were in shock, but i reached over the man's shoulder pulling the thick, blood matted hair away to uncover the woman's face frozen in a look of utter terror. My mother's usually soft features, now mangled by her fear and the blood gushing from a large head wound, made her almost unrecognizable. The last thing I remembered was the ground rushing up to greet me.

[Pawn114]

Alright, I read it over and rather liked it, reminds me of my own work (I'm 14 as well ^_^). Ok, the critique:

[B]1.)[/B] It was all fine and dandy until [Quote]It's front was all gross though, covered in red clay. I didn't want to admit to myself that I knew full well that it wasn't red clay.[/Quote] happened, that totally ruined the feel of the story. Red clay just isnt a great analogy for blood, brains or whatever it was you were trying to convey. Try something like...

[I]I bolted for the street, only slowing a fraction of a second when the cold air and icy ground finally registered. I kept going though, heading for my brother's once white truck... now splattered across with crimson blood, and even more dripping down onto the cold concrete and the prone body of my mother.[/I]

Or something, that (obviously) isnt my best work, but you got the message I hope.

[B]2.)[/B] This ones more of a question, as I admit I dont know alot about the topic at hand. Would the smell really be that bad from a body that isnt decaying yet? as hinted at with [Quote]But what I remember most was that awfull smell, before the ground rushed up to greet me.[/Quote] or were you hinting at something else? Such as alchohol or something?

[B]3.)[/B] Onto the praise: Its very well written, and I'm sure many people can connect with the plot so far. It seems to almost pierce to the core of the matter that happens to some people. Although when reading it I really couldnt picture a fight actually occuring, but that might be just me.

[U]So in summary:[/U] Some small things that I personally feel could be better, but overall I like the piece so far, and hope you post more.

[Guest TwiztedLilHart]

Thanx for the input! I corrected those few things you named and you're very right some of those things could be way better but please keep in mind that I didn't have my rough draft with me. It's on my laptop that needs to be charged ^-^: heh... Thank you!!! And I'd love to read some of your work sometime!

[DragonBlood]

uh, uh, uh, uh, WOW.......14 hu? thats prity good, personaly I write and read Fantasy and some Scifi but that (after the changes you made) was great!

I can't wait to see a final draft (and nobody said a 14 year old can't get a book published you know) personaly I think if you added to it a bit, it would make for a great short story, or even book!

And Pawn, you seem like a good writer as well, I would like to see some of your stuff too if you don't mind my asking.