Writing Intro to my new story, Please tell me what you think!

[TOTALIMMORTAL]

[COLOR=Black]Alright, my story is called "Dante's Inferno" (at least for now) and this is just the beginning that I wrote yesterday. All of this is just a dream that the main character Dante is having and it's actually based on a dream I really had in real life. And by the way, I'm 14 to let you all know. Please tell me what you think of this beginning and tell me anything at all that you think I should change or improve or whatever, don't feel afraid to post critcism. Well...here it is:



[CENTER][B][SIZE=4]AND SO IT BEGINS[/SIZE][/B][/CENTER]

[FONT=Arial][SIZE=3] Picture this: You?re walking along the sidewalk of a suburban mid western town, not sure exactly where, watching as people stroll aimlessly past you, as if they have somewhere more important to be, none of which notice the yellow chainsaw you are firmly grasping in your right hand. You continue on down the path, preparing to do what you came here for. You stop near a mailbox in the middle of the human traffic and pull the chord. The chainsaw roars with pleasure as you sink it into person after person, but your thirst for blood is still far from quenched. Still, nobody screams. It?s as if they haven?t even begun to notice the horrible deeds you are doing right in front of them, and you continue on. You slowly dismember limb after limb from these pathetic humans, and blood squirts wave after wave throughout the crowd of people who still haven?t noticed you. But you want them to see you, you want them to fear you, but they won?t. Your anger rises as these stupid humans continue scurrying on like the little ants they are. You kill them one by one, yet no one has noticed you. You are invisible to them, and this is not what you want. You want to scare them more then they have ever been scared before, but they continue on as if nothing has even happened. They can?t see the pools of glistening blood which continue to grow as more blood flows out from the carcasses you have slain, or the ever increasing amount of corpses falling to the ground. You continue to devour the life from them again and again but they can?t see you. But you can?t give up, you must be feared.
You feel bigger when people are scared of you, so you keep trying to get the fools to notice you the only way you know how. You easily slice the neck off of another passerby, but he doesn?t scream. Of course not, because that?s what you want, and nothing ever goes your way. Some blood from your last victim squirted out from an artery protruding from his neck, and it hit you directly in the center of your left eye. Your rage from not being seen, and now getting blood in your eye, had hit the limit. You could not take this tyranny anymore, so you decide to quit. You give up, you could not take this any longer. It?s not the killing part you dislike, that was the fun part. It was so easy to do. Taking ones life felt so good to you, but not being noticed, not being feared, that was the part you hate.
You now begin to walk the opposite way, away from this failed attempt of self righteousness, and away from the people, including the fallen corpses, who were blind to your existence. You continue on the sidewalk, in the direction of the Light. You keep your eyes focused on the bright light emanating from the tear in the sky. Black light surrounds this unexplainable tear, but you still stay focused on the white light in the center of the rip. You try to look away but you can?t. The Light slowly drains the tenderness from your eyes, and burns them into two dry balls of sand suspended in a spherical shape. Your eyelids scream for help, but there?s nothing you can do. The Light that is now melting away your face like candle wax still rains upon you like a swarm of locusts to a crop field, but you still can?t look away. The Light is just so satisfying, and it feels so warm and comforting, but destroys you just the same. You have now stopped walking towards the Light, just simply gazing towards it, dumbfounded. You?re completely blind at this point, and much of your face has dripped to the desert sand below you. The suburban sidewalk has long since mutated into a scorching hot desert, so hot not even a cactus could exist here.
You try to scream but your mouth has been sealed shut by melted skin from your forehead, and you fall to your knees. The Light is overwhelming, too much for you to handle. Not just the heat, but the power of the Light that flows from that freakish tear in the sky, you are too weak. At least for now. You know that there is something there, something past the Light and in that tear, something that is so great that it can?t even begin to be comprehended by human thoughts, and you thirst for it. You need whatever is hidden there, and you won?t stop until you get it. Your body is now burnt to nothing more than an overcooked skeleton, but your mind continues to straggle on. You keep thinking the same thing over and over, that you need it, you need it, you need it, whatever it is. And now the Light offers you some final words as you slowly creep towards death, ?Better luck next time Dante.....?[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

[Orcus]

[COLOR=Blue][SIZE=1]Heh, heh. Connor, you seriously have a lot of problems,lol. Otherwise I thought the story was quite....creative, in your own way. I wonder...could this dream you had be a illusionary way for you to grasp human desires? To understand the mentality of mortals? Anyway, it's really good.[/SIZE][/COLOR]

[Lusheeta]

i thought it was realy well done!you realy made me imagine the pictures...it was realy creepy....but it totaly formed a picture,and if you did have that dream it must have been realy wierd....well,i look forward to seeing the rest! :D

[Balmon]

What to say?

The dream is interesting... but you really hammer unnecessarily at our heads with the repeated descriptions of blood and gore - also with the blinding light. Though I can appreciate the effect, it is somewhat monotonous.

A little more substance to the quantity of words there would be nice. Also, a LOT of people like to make use of Dante's Inferno, that is, the title, and not put any intelligent thought into their use of the name. How are you planning on making use of Dante's actual work?

Phil