Discuss What's Wrong?

[Box Hoy]

I tried making an RPG a while back called "When Angels Deserve to Die"

Here's the story:

It was seven years since the devastating fire. If only humans knew what happened if you were bad in the mortal life.
Willis A. Matthews had died in that fire. His house on Redlace Street had been burned to the ground by a mysterious force.
No suspects were found and so the case of the death of the Matthews family was put to rest just like their souls.
Willis had been only out of high school when he had died. He was a clerk at a thriftway at the edge of his town: Lewenville.

His father was high on the business chain as an inventor of new machines and such. And his mother was a stay at home mom with Willis's two younger siblings.

"Wake up Willis," said the quiet voice. It came from all around him. He opened his eyes to see nothing but light all around him.
Light appeared everywhere. "You've been chosen," the voice continued, "to stop the evil within the world of the mortals."

Willis only wished he knew what this voice was talking about. "What do you mean," he said standing up.
The voice turned. "A secret evil has inplanted itself upon your world. It is the same evil that destroyed your family and yourself. Because of this the job has been given to you.
Hunt down the evil within your world and stop it from continuing it's rage upon mankind," the voice said.

"What evil," he said. The voice did not respond. The light around him faded into his world. Willis stood in the middle of a street. What evil?

---

Okay now that, that it over let me explain what's going on here. Willis was killed in a fire by a mysterious evil and now some higher being wishes him to destroy the evil. Little does Willis know that as he progresses he will become more aware of the powers imbeded within him that no mortal could ever posses.

---CRITERIA

NAME:
AGE:
DESCRIPTION:
BACKGROUND:
SPEICAL TECHNIQUES:
WEAPONS:

---Box




So what's wrong with this. I only got 2 people to join?

[Hevn]

[COLOR=RoyalBlue][SIZE=1][B]It lacks something. I don't know what. If I'm not wrong I'd say the plot is as simple as "Willis and an evil force fighting". Nothing too different or special about that really. I think you need to put some more excitement to it to make it catchy.

What do you intend the other characters will do? I mean, the only visible character here is Willis. Also, what's the timeline and theme of your story? Ok, maybe to sum it all up I think the plot is a little vague. Hope that helps... ^_^x[/B][/SIZE][/COLOR]

[Balmon]

OK - Here's some tough loving comments from someone who might not have any idea about what he's talking about. But here's what I think anyway, since you've asked.

[quote name='Box Hoy']I tried making an RPG a while back called "When Angels Deserve to Die"[/quote]

Title sounds like a Fox television special ? or some kind of parody on a cliché - it's an odd title anyway.

[QUOTE=Box Hoy]
Here's the story:

It was seven years since the devastating fire. If only humans knew what happened if you were bad in the mortal life. [/QUOTE]

Alright. You have two TOTALLY different ideas running right alongside each other. "... seven years since the fire... " You're obviously alluding to some event that's happened since... but IMMEDIATELY you change gears and throw in the rhetoric of "if only humans knew..."

[QUOTE=Box Hoy]Willis A. Matthews had died in that fire. His house on Redlace Street had been burned to the ground by a mysterious force.
No suspects were found and so the case of the death of the Matthews family was put to rest just like their souls.[/QUOTE]

Punctuation. Please. On a more helpful note: The quality of your writing often has a large impact on reader interest. If you have a run on sentence like that last one there, it already makes it awkward for readers to follow... readers and posters need confidence in the person running the RPG.

[QUOTE=Box Hoy]"Wake up Willis," said the quiet voice. It came from all around him. He opened his eyes to see nothing but light all around him.
Light appeared everywhere. "You've been chosen," the voice continued, "to stop the evil within the world of the mortals."[/QUOTE]

"It came from all around him... light all around him... light appeared everywhere..." You've basically repeated these things one after another. This kind of redundancy in writing also leads to reader dis-interest.

[QUOTE=Box Hoy]Willis only wished he knew what this voice was talking about. "What do you mean," he said standing up.
The voice turned. "A secret evil has inplanted itself upon your world. It is the same evil that destroyed your family and yourself. Because of this the job has been given to you.
Hunt down the evil within your world and stop it from continuing it's rage upon mankind," the voice said.[/QUOTE]

First. Inplant is not the word you want. Actually, it's not a word at all. Again, more punctuation matters...

[QUOTE=Box Hoy]"What evil," he said. The voice did not respond. The light around him faded into his world. Willis stood in the middle of a street. What evil?

---

Okay now that, that it over let me explain what's going on here. Willis was killed in a fire by a mysterious evil and now some higher being wishes him to destroy the evil. Little does Willis know that as he progresses he will become more aware of the powers imbeded within him that no mortal could ever posses. [/QUOTE]

OK - some grammatical and syntax errors here. Stuff like, "Okay now that, that it over..." that's not really correct. An easy way to check - read it aloud to yourself. Chances are good, by the time I'm done writing all of this, I'll have screwed something up myself because I won't have bothered to re-read it. I would strongly advise doing so.

[QUOTE=Box Hoy]
---CRITERIA

NAME:
AGE:
DESCRIPTION:
BACKGROUND:
SPEICAL TECHNIQUES:
WEAPONS:

---Box

So what's wrong with this. I only got 2 people to join?[/QUOTE]

First thing, you didn't tell people what role they'd actually be playing in your RPG. Would they be other heroes? Opposition forces? The neighbour's dog? The criteria you provided barely.... I'm amazed that two people did sign-up, frankly. You need to give WAY more details about the story, and POSSIBLE character ideas, so that people have an idea of what the parameters are. Here's the information you did provide - which is good - The protagonist's name, an approx. setting (somewhere relatively modern, in a city scape? I think), and some sort of allusion to special powers.

Your story also requires SOME level of complexity beyond the one-man-destined-for-greatness tact ? as `hEvN said above.

While you are on the right track for things, Hox Boy, you have a bit of work to do. You need to give people a relatively compelling reason to join ? and an essential part of that involves giving them some parameters to work within.
If you have any questions at all, or if you want to yell at me for being so rude, please feel free to PM me. I would actually like to offer what feeble assistance I could; assuming, of course, that you are as interested as you seem in RPGs.

Phil

[Blade15]

Yeah, it is quite bland. No offense intended.

[Hevn]

[quote name='Balmon']Title sounds like a Fox television special ? or some kind of parody on a cliché - it's an odd title anyway.[/quote]
[COLOR=RoyalBlue][SIZE=1][B]Oh I love the title ^_^x What bothered me is that I never saw it's connection with the introduction. Just add a clearer plot and twist to this and it will be good.[/B][/SIZE][/COLOR]

[Balmon]

I think it may be from a System of a Down song.

By the way - since Box Hoy hasn't replied yet - I don't think he's even checking on people's comments... or not replying anyway.

p

[Box Hoy]

Actually I have been checking but I've sort of given up on that idea. Just waiting for a new idea to spring to life for anew RPG.
Thanks for all the help everyone.