Writing The Truth About Darkness(story)

[Lusheeta]

ok,its not a fanfic or anything but i need to know if its any good...so please comment!!hope ya like!


?Raena Toell Teirm,you have broken two of our towns laws; interrupting sacrificial acts and the murder of an Elder.You are hear by sentenced to become a sacrifice yourself.? The town leader sighed as he starred down into the book of laws.I averted my attention to the my hands,they were blistered and sore from the binds that held them at my back.I heard my families sobs as the leader continued,their faces were red and puffy from crying.My face was dry.I did not cry,there was no reason,I did not deserve this punishment,they did.They deserved to die for the horrible things they do,I knew the truth,no matter what they did I would always know it.My gaze then fell upon an old childhood friend,Khain.I loved Khain more than anything,and he loved me.Whether that love was romantic or not I did not care,he was my precious one.His face was pale and his eyes dark,I feared he would kill himself if I left.I remembered when I always could count on him for a smile,but now it seemed he would never smile again.The leader finaly finished and ended his speech by saying?To the Darkness you go,never to return?.
?Rae!!No,please!!no??Khain screamed,struggling against the men keeping him from me.He then broke down and began to sob my name.I felt my eyes burn and I shouted,?Khain,it is all right!I shall see you in heaven for you and I know the truth.The rest of these monsters will be cast to hell!I love you Khain and I always will.As for the rest of you,be cautious,bad deeds come back to haunt.Goodbye dear sister,I hope your child remains untainted.?Gasps and whispers echoed over the plain,I smelled their fear and saw the terror in their eyes.They would be punished with more than death.?leader,may I ask one more thing??I turned to the leader,his eyes uneasy.He nodded and asked me what I wished.?Bring me my Khain so I may say goodbye?.They cooperated and brought him to me.We embraced tightly.?I don?t want you to go?I love you?,He whispered.I kissed his cheek lightly,?do not fear,be strong,I will find a way to come back to you?.Tears wet his beautifull face and his voice wavered?but..the Darkness?I
laughed,startling everyone.?the Darkness?ha,have we any proof at all they exist?No.Has anyone but the elders claim to have seen them?no.Have you ever thought that maybe we are just in fear of a misunderstanding?a shadow?Maybe even a small creature such as a fawn that someone imagined to be a monster?My dear Khain,do not fear for me,I will be fine!I will come for you and we will be in piece,no one will-? I was cut off by Khian,his lips pushed to mine and they mingled together sweetly.He then pulled from me?You are so strong?not even a bear could conquer you.?He embraced me again then the gaurds tore us apart.I kicked one in the face sharply to leave an impression,then they took me to the boat.I closed my eyes as I floated away,fearing the look on Khains face.Would he kill himself?Which would hurt more,death,or waiting for me in vain?

[Balmon]

Hey-o

I like it. It's EXTREMELY romantic in style - but it's definitely not bad.

What you DO definitely need to work on is grammar, spelling, and punctuation. The only feasible way I would see that happening is if you went over it with a large comb, and then a fine-tooth comb, and then re-read it again. Simple things like spaces after periods and commas... the spelling of words like stared, not starred, and capitilization of words after some above-mentioned punctuation.

If you cleaned up the look of things, and EDITED your writing properly, I think it would be a great start to your story. If you have any question or whatnot - since it's always easier for me to help through example than through just telling you, please feel free to PM.

Phil