Writing Gravitation Fanfic [PG -- L]

[Doukeshi]

See what you think kids.
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The moon was held high in the darkness, the night stars obscured by the intruding clouds that passed across the sky in hurried patterns. A soft breeze picked up, tugging at the leaves of trees and thin blades of grass that bowed in submissive compliance. What little light that filtered through the clouds shone meekly in a weak attempt to prove it?s worth, casting hazy shadows across a small path that trailed through the grass. A thin trail of smoke danced and swirled among the moving air as a shadowed figure leant absently against the fence that separated such nature from the progression of civilization. Small, shining embers fell softly from the cigarette held carelessly in the figure?s hand, only to be caught by a small current of air and flung into oblivion. What light there was glowing from the scattered ash disappeared with the wind. A soft sigh escaped the figures lips as golden eyes gazed longingly over the mantle of unblinking lights that shone below. The park behind the figure was lit only by a small amount of streetlamps, casting an orange glow over the darkened scenery. The noise of the far-off city streets seemed distant and surreal to the silent onlooker, becoming a soothing rhythm to his heavy laid thoughts. Closing his eyes briefly he bowed his head and let the cigarette fall from his fingers to hit the cold, hard pavement below the ridge on which he stood. Gripping the rail tightly in his right hand he turned to rest his back on the damp iron bars, leaning his head back to look up sorrowfully at the darkened sky.

The sun had set on the figure many hours ago and what had initially been a short walk to clear his head had ended up being a long and contemplative brood, lasting a whole lot longer than he had originally intended. It was his own fault really; he shouldn?t have come past this place, this place of lingering memories and painful regrets. He smiled slightly in bitter wonderment how a small place of such lingering beauty and natural peace could hold such an angry and cynical mood. Even now, years after, it still clenched his heart to be here and yet he still kept coming back. He shook his head and clenched the iron rail in a spasm of frustrated energy, pounding his foot onto the dusty concrete in a fleeting moment of undeterred anger. Nothing seemed real anymore, the colours were dull and the light was dim, as if the whole world had suddenly fallen under a mist of haze and confusion. He did not want to be here, not here where everything held some memory that refused to be buried in the sand and forgotten. It was all a fake to his eyes and the lack of reality almost sent him insane. Releasing his grip from the bar he hung his head and entwined his fingers in blonde strands of hair, now damp from the evening dew. He was getting a headache.

Golden eyes peered out from between his fingers; his breath coming in harsh ragged gasps as he pressed the heels of his hands into his temples.

?What?what the **** do you want from me??

His voice echoed across the empty park, a lonely bird taking flight at the unexpected noise.

?Just leave me alone, just ******* leave me alone!?

His anger was directed at no one and nothing stood in his path to hear the frayed sentiments of a broken man. Beads of sweat appeared on his forehead and he stared wildly as tears threatened to slip from his eyes. He stumbled forward, away from the edge of the park and the view of the ever-wakeful city below. Hurrying along the path he hugged himself tightly and shook his head frantically as if to clear some haunting image from his mind. He muttered incoherent words from between clenched teeth as tears trailed a relentless path down his stricken face. Scuffing his feet across dirty tarmac he sought his way through the deserted streets towards his apartment, fumbling with the lock as he pressed his head against the cold metal of the door. A stray cat looked at him with fleeting interest, glowing eyes reflecting the dim street-lamps as it swept away into a side alley. Wrenching open the door he turned to look over his shoulder, his eyes red and swollen, to gaze at the rising moon. He curled his lip in bitter contempt and entered his home, slamming the door shut behind him.

These violent swings in mood had now become commonplace for the novelist known as Yuki Eiri, ever since the lead singer of the band ?Bad Luck?, a one Shindou Shuichi, had deserted him. Nobody knew the reasons for this astonishing break-up and it had been tabloid news for weeks afterwards, the gossip of high street coffee bars and passing street conversation. Everywhere he went the novelist was given sympathetic glances and mocking stares, the public divided over this most celebrity of incidents. That was then, however, almost two years ago, and ?Bad Luck? where now big news wherever they went. Of course Yuki Eiri was still a greatly accomplished romance novelist but he didn?t quite sell anymore, not like he used to. His work had lost all it?s spark it was said and he no longer captured the public?s imagination to such frenzy as it had once beheld. Only his most diehard fans still remained, while ?Bad Luck? toured the globe selling millions as they enraptured the world. Was he missed? Did the same grief that tore at Eiri?s mind touch the pink haired singer in the same crippling way? Did he think of him at all as he conquered the world with his music? Eiri hoped, with the last bit of his sanity that this was true, but he knew in his heart of hearts that it was just another lie and that all he ever had that was good in his life?was gone.

[oshi]

Oh, poor Yuki. Like he hasn't been through enough already. ;_;

I usually dislike fanfics of Gravi, but this one I'm finding interesting. (Mostly they're just about Tatsuha sexin' his brother and stuff like that ...>>;; ) This one has set up an actual plot! And it is in an interesting one. Shuuichi is so dependant on Yuki; I'm awfully curious to know how he got the idea to leave him.

You're using a definite style of writing; with longer, descriptive sentences and sparse commas. Enough for it to be grammatically correct, just not generous. It gives the piece a more tense tone, which is good for the flow of the read. The only thing I would suggest is to break your paragraphs up a bit more. You can make it more dramatic that way by saving certain sentences for the next paragraph; also, it makes for a slightly less-daunting reader's first glance. Scanning this would tell me that there are four huge paragraphs, two one-liners, and two lines of dialogue.

I'm just saying that I think you ought to mix it up a bit. Presentation counts, too. But I really like the idea, and if you are going to continue with it, I will make sure to read it.

I could never bring myself to write it happening, so I'm glad I can let you explore this possibility for me. :)

[sakurachi24]

I feel really sorry for yuki i mean ireally cant imagine Shuiichi dumping yuki the're such an adorable couple!!!! ;P besides i really loved how you wrote it...it's very powerful! my heart felt like it was being torn apart! Like i could feel what yuki felt...ive been left many a time before. so i guess that i'm justified. I hope this story has a happy ending.