Anime The Laws of Anime (Humor)

[Zephyr]

Found this joke while searching through some old file on my computer. Defiantely funny, and completely true. Enjoy.


#1 - Law of Metaphysical Irregularity-- The normal laws of physics do not apply.

#2 - Law of Differentiated Gravitation-- Whenever someone or something jumps, is
thrown, or otherwise is rendered airborne, gravity is reduced by a factor of 4.

#3 - Law of Sonic Amplification, First Law of Anime Acoustics-- In space, loud sounds, like explosions, are even louder because there is no air to get in the way.

#4 - Law of Constant Thrust, First Law of Anime Motion-- In space, constant thrust
equals constant velocity.

#5 - Law of Mechanical Mobility, Second Law of Anime Motion-- The larger a
mechanical device is, the faster it moves. Armored Mecha are the fastest objects
known to human science.

#6 - Law of Temporal Variability-- Time is not a constant. Time stops for the hero
whenever he does something 'cool' or 'impressive'. Time slows down when friends and lovers are being killed and speeds up whenever there is a fight. (EXCEPTION: DBZ fights, which last for months.)

#7 - First Law of Temporal Mortality-- 'Good Guys' and 'Bad Guys' both die in one of two ways - either so quick they don't even see it coming, OR it's a long drawn out affair where the character gains much insight to the workings of society, human existence or why the toast always lands butter side down.

#8 - Second Law of Temporal Mortality-- It takes some time for bad guys to die...
regardless of physical damage. Even when the 'Bad Guys' are killed so quickly they
didn't even see it coming, it takes them a while to realize they are dead. This is
attributed to the belief that being evil damages the Reality Lobe of the brain.

#9 - Law of Dramatic Emphasis-- Scenes involving extreme amounts of action are
depicted with either still frames or black screens with a slash of bright color (usually
red or white).

#10 - Law of Dramatic Multiplicity-- Scenes that only happen once, for instance, a 'Good Guy' kicks the 'Bad Guy' in the face, are seen at least 3 times from 3 different angles.

#11 - Law of Inherent Combustibility-- Everything explodes. Everything.

[i]First Corollary[/i] - Anything that explodes bulges first.

[i]Second Corollary[/i] - Large cities are the most explosive substances known to human
science. Tokyo in particular seems to be the most unstable of these cities, sometimes
referred to as "The Matchstick City".

#12 - Law of Phlogistatic Emission-- Nearly all things emit light from fatal wounds.

#13 - Law of Energetic Emission-- There is always an energy build up (commonly
referred to as an energy 'bulge') before Mecha or space craft weapons fire. Because of the explosive qualities of weapons, it is believed that this is related to the Law of Inherent Combustibility.

#14 - Law of Inverse Lethal Magnitude-- The destructive potential of any object or organism is inversely proportional to its mass.

[i]First Corollary[/i] - Small and cute will always overcome big and ugly. (I.E. Pokémon and Ryo-ohki) Also known as the A-Ko phenomenon.

#15 - Law of Inexhaustibility-- No one *EVER* runs out of ammunition. That is of course unless they are cornered, out-numbered, out-classed, and unconscious.

#16 - Law of Inverse Accuracy-- The accuracy of a 'Good Guy' when operating any form of fire-arm increases as the difficulty of the shot increases. The accuracy of the 'Bad Guys' when operating fire-arms decreases when the difficulty of the shot decreases. (Also known as the Storm trooper Effect) Example: A 'Good Guy' in a drunken stupor being held upside down from a moving vehicle will always hit, and several battalions of 'Bad Guys' firing on a 'Good Guy' standing alone in the middle of an open field will always miss.

[i]First Corollary[/i] - The more 'Bad Guys' there are, the less likely they will hit anyone or do any real damage.

[i]Second Corollary[/i] - Whenever a 'Good Guy' is faced with insurmountable odds, the 'Bad Guys' line up in neat rows, allowing the hero to take them all out with a single burst of automatic fire and then escape.

[i]Third Corollary[/i] - Whenever a 'Good Guy' is actually hit by enemy fire, it is in a
designated 'Good Guy Area', usually a flesh wound in the shoulder or arm, which
restricts the 'Good Guy' from doing anything more strenuous than driving, firing
weaponry, using melee weapons, operating heavy machinery, or doing complex
martial arts maneuvers.

#17 - Law of Transient Romantic Unreliability-- Min-mei is a bimbo. (Amen.)

#18 - Law of Hemoglobin Capacity-- The human body contains over 12 gallons of blood, sometimes more, under high pressure.

#19 - Law of Demonic Consistency-- Demons and other supernatural creatures have at least three eyes, loads of fangs, tend to be yellow-green or brown, but black is not unknown, and can only be hurt bladed weapons.

#20 - Law of Militaristic Unreliability-- Huge galaxy-wide armadas, entire armies, and
large war machines full of cruel, heartless, bloodthirsty warriors can be stopped and defeated with a single insignificant example of a caring/loving emotion or a song.

[i]First Corollary[/i] - Whenever a single war machine (mecha, starship, etc.) goes up against an entire army, the army always loses.

#21 - Law of Tactical Unreliability-- Tactical geniuses, we aren't....

#22 - Law of Inconsequential Undetectability-- People never notice the little things... like missing body parts, or wounds the size of Seattle.

#23 - Law of Juvenile Intellectuality-- Children are smarter than adults. And almost
always twice as annoying.

#24 - Law of Americanthropomorphism-- Americans in Anime appear in one of two
roles, either as a really nasty skinny 'Bad Guy' or a big stupid 'Good Guy'.

[i]First Corollary[/i] - The only people who are more stupid than the big dumb Americans are the American translators. (Sometimes referred to as the Green Line Effect)

[i]Second Corollary[/i] - The only people who are more stupid than the American translators are the American editors and censors.

#25 - Law of Mandibular Proportionality-- The size of a person's mouth is directly proportional to the volume at which they are speaking or eating.

#26 - Law of Feline Mutation-- Any half-cat/half-human mutation will
invariably: 1) be female 2) will possess ears and sometimes a tail as a genetic
mutation 3) wear as little clothing as possible, if any

#27 - Law of Conservation of Firepower-- Any powerful weapon capable of destroying/defeating an opponent in a single shot will invariably be reserved and used only as a last resort.

#28 - Law of Technological User-Benevolence-- The formal training required to operate a spaceship or mecha is inversely proportional to its complexity.

#29 - Law of Melee Luminescence-- Any being displaying extremely high levels of martial arts prowess and/or violent emotions emits light in the form of a glowing aura. This aura is usually blue for 'good guys' and red for 'bad guys'. This is attributed to Good being higher in the electromagnetic spectrum than Evil.

#30 - Law of Non-Anthropomorphic Antagonism-- All ugly, non-humanoid alien races are hostile, and usually hell-bent on destroying humanity for some obscure reason.

#31 - Law of Follicular Chromatic Variability-- Any color in the visible spectrum is considered a natural hair color. This color can change without warning or explanation.

#32 - Law of Follicular Permanence-- Hair in anime is pretty much indestructable, and can resist any amount of meteorological conditions, energy emissions, physical abuse, or explosive effects and still look perfect. The only way to hurt someone's hair is the same way you deal with demons... with bladed weapons!

#33 - Law of Topological Aerodynamics, First Law of Anime Aero-Dynamics-- *ANY*
shape, no matter how convoluted or odd-looking, is automatically aerodynamic.

#34 - Law of Probable Attire-- Clothing in anime follows certain
predictable guidelines. Female characters wear as little clothing as possible,
regardless of whether it is socially or meteorologically appropriate. Any female with an excessive amount of clothing will invariably have her clothes ripped to shreds or torn off somehow. If there is no opportunity to tear off the afore-mentioned female's clothes, then she will inexplicably take a shower for no apparent reason (also known as the Gratuitous Shower Scene). Whenever there is a headwind, Male characters invariably wear a long cloak that does not hamper movement and billow out dramatically behind them.

[i]First Corollary (Cryo-Adaptability)[/i] - All anime characters are resistant to extremely cold temperatures, and do not need to wear heavy or warm clothing in snow.

[i]Second Corollary (Indecent Invulnerability)[/i] - Bikinis render the wearer invulnerable to any form of damage.

#35 - Law of Musical Omnipotence-- Any character capable of musical talent (singing, playing an instrument, etc.) is automatically capable of doing much more "simple" things, like piloting mecha, fighting crime, stopping an intergalactic war, and so on...especially if they have never attempted these things before.

#36 - Law of Quintupular Agglutination-- Also called "The Five-man Rule", when "Good Guys" group together, it tends to be in groups of five. There are five basic positions, which are:

1) The Hero/Leader 2) His Girlfriend 3) His Best Friend/Rival 4) A Hulking Brute 5) A
Dwarf/Kid. Between these basic positions are distributed several attributes, which
include:

1) Extreme Coolness 2) Amazing Intelligence 3) Incredible Irritation

#37 - Law of Extra-dimensional Capacitance-- All anime females have an extra-dimensional storage space of variable volume somewhere on their person from which they can instantly retrieve any object at a moment's notice.

[i]First Corollary (a.k.a. The Hammer Rule)[/i] - The most common item stored is a heavy mallet, which can be used with unerring accuracy on any male who deserves it. Other common items include costumes/uniforms, power suits/armor, and large bazookas.

#38 - Law of Hydrostatic Emission-- Eyes tend to be rather large in Anime. This is
because they contain several gallons of water, which may be instantaneously released at high pressure through large tear ducts. The actual volume of water contained in the eyes is unknown, as there is no evidence to suggest that these reservoirs are actually capable of running out. The reason water tends to collect in the eyes is because Anime characters only have one large sweat gland, which is located at the back of the head. When extremely stressed, embarrassed, or worried, this sweat gland exudes a single but very large drop of sebaceous fluid.

#39 - Law of Inverse Attraction-- Success at finding suitable mates is inversely
proportionate to how desperately you want to be successful. The more you want, the less you get, and vice versa.

#41 - Law of Xylolaceration-- Wooden or bamboo swords are just as sharp as metal swords, if not sharper.

#42 - Law of Juvenile Omnipotence-- Always send a boy to do a man's job. He'll get it done in half the time and twice the angst.

#43 - Law of Triscaquadrodecophobia-- There is no Law #43.

#44 - Law of Nominative Clamovocation-- The likelihood of success and damage done by a martial arts attack is directly proportional to the volume at which the full name of the attack is announced.

#45 - Law of Uninteruptable Metamorphosis-- Regardless of how long or involved the transformation sequence or how many times they've seen it before, any 'Bad Guys' witnessing a mecha/hero/heroine transforming are too stunned to do anything to interrupt it.

#46 - Law of Flimsy Incognition-- Simply changing into a costume or wearing a teensy mask can make you utterly unrecognizable to even your closest friends and relatives.

[Angelus_Necare]

[QUOTE]#17 - Law of Transient Romantic Unreliability-- Min-mei is a bimbo. (Amen.) [/QUOTE]

Amen indeed.

I had a friend who tried to hand this in for a physics assignment once, too bad the teacher just threw it back at him.

But it kinda makes you think that only an Anime junkie would have had the time and boredom to think this up...

[Solo Tremaine]

[COLOR=#503F86]As entertaining as these laws are, I'm going to have to close the thread- save for being a good read, it's not actually promoting any discussion, and it's not really yours to redistribute anyway. I'd like to know who did write it, actually. But since the original author ha't been credited, it's not really fair to keep this open.

Thread closed.[/COLOR]