Writing Death Notes - My Poem [PG-13]

[Guest Sean]

Life Torn To Pieces
Body In A Bag
Manipulated My Body
So That I Might Love You Back

But Now My Love Is Gone
The Love Has Disappeared
And Whilst I Say My Last Good-Byes
Heres The One To Hear

I Really Did Love You
But You Through It In My Face
My Love Betrayed My Illness
Of A Long Lost Souls Fate

Now If You Want My Love,
Then Say It To My Face
For I'm Leaving This World Now
No Ghost Is In My Place

Say Those Words I Long To Hear
Say Them Loud And Clear
Because If I Don't Hear Them Before Midnight
My Life, Soul, Spirit.....Disapper

Please, this poem is very dear to me, i just wrote it in time of depression, what do you think ?

[DeathKnight]

[color=crimson][font=tahoma]Hey, that's not too shabby. You have a nice flow to it and the emotion comes through pretty good.

The only problem I see is one word error- through instead of threw. Aside from that minor problem there is nothing I can see wrong with it, really.[/color][/font]

[Hevn]

[COLOR=RoyalBlue][SIZE=1][B]I read it about 3 times, heh. It's nice. A few things that really don't matter much but I just had to say.

[COLOR=Purple]"But Now My Love Is Gone
The Love Has Disappeared"[/COLOR]

Throwing that second line seems to be redundant as it says the same meaning as the first.

[COLOR=Purple]"Say Those Words I Long To Hear
Say Them Loud And Clear
Because If I Don't Hear Them Before Midnight
My Life, Soul, Spirit.....Disapper"[/COLOR]

Ok, it seems like you can't think of a shorter version for the third line. When I read this verse out loud, I stopped thinking about that line. It really sounds off because it has so many syllables compared to the rest of the verse's/poem's lines.

And uh, did you intentionally capitalized every word's first letters? Coz every line seems like a title. ^_^;

And yeah, that's about it. Really doesn't matter much. It's a very emotional poem by the way. Emotional in a good way ^_^.[/B][/SIZE][/COLOR]

[Persona]

[COLOR=RoyalBlue]Well at first when I read the first to lines, I thought it was about murder(silly me). But it's not bad, it has an edge to it. Again another poem of love gone bad and rotted in hell. It's deep which I like and hopefully you'll post more.[/COLOR]