Writing Hope's Temptation [PG]

[Solo Tremaine]

[color=#503f86]First draft of something I've had ideas for for ages, but never actually got down until now. Any comments or suggestions are muchly appreciated (so long as they're helpful, heh).[/color]
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[color=#503f86][b]Part 1: Longing.[/b][/color]
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[color=#503f86]The wind blew harsh and cold through the fields, swirling the autumn leaves in its steely caress. A girl, gasping for breath, desperately ran into the wind towards her beloved further up the path. Her face stung with the cold, her eyes stung with tears. Her long pink dress blew wildly behind her and her hair was pulled roughly by the currents of the wind.

Closing in on the figure ahead, she longed again to touch his brown hair and to hold herself close in his embrace. As she drew closer, he stopped. She slowed to a walk, moving up to within touching distance...

She grasped her gloved hands tightly, trying to will her throat to let the words come out right. The wind blew stronger.

"Why didn't you tell me you were leaving?"

The boy, dressed in black, didn't move. In his hand was a small bag, containing everything he owned.

"Would you have hated me any less if I did?"

The girl drew back. "I [i]love[/i] you! Doesn't that count for anything?"

The boy said nothing, refusing to turn and face the one who was adressing him. The girl waited anxiously for a reply. She stepped closer-

"Please..." the boy started. "...don't."

The girl pulled her dress further over her shoulders. She gazed at the boy, eyes welling up with tears. "But why?"

There was a tense pause. Tightening his grip in the bag in his hand, the boy shut his eyes. "You wouldn't understand."

"Of course I won't if you don't tell me!" The girl cried, running in front of him. "Please, I want to know."

The boys eyes opened and he saw the girl standing there, her pink dress battered and dirtied by the wind, her hair in a mess and her deep blue eyes gazing at him with tears of desperation. This was why he didn't want to tell her.

"There are others, you know. Other people who'll be able to provide for you much more than I can."

"But I don't want them!" she yelled, banging her fists on his chest and resting her body on his form. "I want you..."

He swallowed hard. "I can't..." In spite of the cold, he could feel her warmth. It was comforting; he felt safety enveloping his body, just as he did that night... Gently, he took her arms and pulled her away from his body.

"I can't love you," he whispered. "I'm sorry."

"But why?" the girl sobbed. "Everything we did, everything we shared, didn't that mean anything to you?"

The boy sighed. "Of course it did. But what did it mean to you?"

"It meant the world to me... I thought that... it did for you too."

He shook his head. "I can't bring myself to fall in love. Not yet. There are things I need to know first."

The girl's head bowed, her body shook with sobs. "I... I want to help you. Please, let me come with you."

"You know you can't do that."

The girl raised her head, staring deeply into his eyes. "I can! I'll follow you to the ends of the Earth if I can love you. I need to be with you!"

The boy took hold of her arms again and surrounded her with his body, embracing her as tightly as he could. "But you [i]do[/i] love me... and that's why I have to go."

He pulled back, slowly sliding his hands down her arms, stroking her hands, fingers... he broke away and faced the wind.

"I'll come back, but you have to promise to be ready for whatever answer I'll give to you."

She watched him walk slowly up the path to the hills, holding her hands to her lips until he disappeared over the rise.
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[Doukeshi]

That's quite the dramatic opening. I like the way that you set the scene without detracting from the theme of the plot, there wasn't any pause it just mingled in with the action.

Opening half way through a scene as it were is a good device to use, it makes the reader more aware of what is going on and more curious to the previous actions.
Othello does this, the play opens halfway through a conversation and you're like "eh? :twitch: "

Aaanyway...in a nut shell what I'm trying to say is "Ilikeitalotkeepupthegoodwork",

though I doubt that would fit into a nut shell since nut shell's are really small...maybe if I had a really big nutshell, like a walnut maybe...or I could write really small on a really weeny bit of paper and roll it up really tiny and squash it into the shell then it might fit or......yeah...

[Hevn]

[COLOR=RoyalBlue][SIZE=1][B]Grrr... I hate it when people do that "I had to leave and I can't tell you why" drama. It happened so many times in real and unreal life. But I guess it's an unbeatable fact that things like this just had to happen.

Hmm... this is good stuff. There are loads of stories similar to this though, so I wanna see how well you can make this a lot more distinguishable from all others. I can actually make up a lot of stories for this introduction, like the guy's sick and he's dying or there's some schocking third part or maybe by the time the guy goes back to the girl it's too late already and... :modrod:

Uhh, yeah ^_^; I suggest making a good twist for this. It's genius that you made a good introduction that is vulnerable to a lot of different outcomes.[/B][/SIZE][/COLOR]

[Ezekiel]

[COLOR=SlateGray]Wow, I really....[I]really[/I] like where this is headed. I'm a total sucker for romance and this story really hit the right spot...so to speak <_<
Like others have said, the way you've left it with so many options is fantastic, I love it when I can pick up a book, read the first chapter and then have my imagination going crazy trying to figure out what will happen next.

The characters seem pretty strong too, even though this is only the introduction I'm totally loving the male character. What I can see of his personality so far is totally cool.

I really can't wait to see where you take this, I'll be watching you like this O_<...erk?[/COLOR]

[Guest The Pro]

Wow. Im also a sucker for romance, but that... was really quite... good... sounded like a poem almost. i wright in my spare time aswell, but im to lazy and usually they just fall through the cracks, but it looked very well done, how old are u, couse that is very well done.

[Solo Tremaine]

[color=#503f86]I edited the first post- I felt that the wrong impression was being given about the boy's situation, so I removed the bit about the tear from the end.

And I'm nineteen ^_~

Here's the next bit, heh.

[b]Part 2: Memory's Curse[/b]

The harsh wind continued to blow, rustling the leaves of the tall copse trees and sending the sound akin to rushing water rumbling through the air.

The boy entered the circle of trees and sat himself down between two large woody roots, trying to shelter himself from as much of the wind as he could. He wrapped his jacket around him and opened his bag, searching for the food he'd prepared in secret beforehand.

As he unwrapped the paper from its edges, memories of the last few weeks ebbed into his consciousness. He took a slow bite and rested his head against the tree supporting his weight...

[i]"Are you alright?"[/i]

[i]The boy looked round suddenly, snapping out of his thoughts. He gave a quizzical look to the girl standing opposite him, wrapped in a long brown scarf. She smiled; a warm smile- so friendly and welcoming the boy couldn't help but smile back.[/i]

[i]"Yes, I'm fine," he answered, a little grin reaching across his face. "Why do you ask?"[/i]

[i]The girl blushed. "Oh, I just thought you looked... I'm sorry, it doesn't matter." She turned to go, but a hand on her shoulder turned her back around.[/i]

[i]"No, it's alright. What were you going to say?" the boy urged gently, his eyes gleaming with curiosity.[/i]

[i]The girl blushed harder and carefully took his hand from her shoulder, sliding her fingers along his. The boy flinched slightly, but kept his gaze fixed firmly upon her.[/i]

[i]"Well, you just looked so deep in thought," the girl murmured happily. "I wondered if you might have been thinking about something serious."[/i]

[i]The boy scratched his head. "I guess you could say that. I have a lot to think about."[/i]

[i]The girl moved closer, her eyes transfixed on his. "Like what?"[/i]

* * *

The wind shook the windows of the weathered house. Forlornly a figure sat on her bed, watching the edge of the cliffs for any sign of a figure. Another walked into the room carrying a basket of laundry.

"Aren't you going outside to meet him?"

The girl sighed silently, wringing her hands. "No, mum. He... had to go."

"Will he be back soon? It seems odd that he didn't say goodbye to us."

"I don't know. I think he may be gone for a while." The girl fought back tears, it took every amount of strength she could summon to keep her voice from breaking.

"Oh, that's a shame. He was such a nice boy. I do hope he'll return shortly."

She left the room, leaving the girl to bury her face in her hands. As she sobbed quietly, she began to remember the first time she'd talked to him...

[i]"He must be new here."[/i]

[i]"I've never seen him before."[/i]

[i]"I love his hair!"[/i]

[i]"And his eyes! So lovely. I bet he's not staying, though."[/i]

[i]"Yeah, it's a shame nobody really pays attention to this village any more."[/i]

[i]Only one of the four girls remained silent, observing the boy standing in the middle of the square with an expression of deep thought on his face. She'd seen him a few days ago, walking along the road towards their village from the towns. Did he have family here? Perhaps he'd moved in a few weeks ago. [/i]

[i]Leaving the others to wander off towards the school, she continued watching him, taking in every segment of his stature, body and expression. He was... beautiful. But with this beauty was a deep sadness- his soulful eyes were wraught with loneliness and he clutched his bag so tightly it was as if it were a baby brother. Feeling her body alight with tension and excited anxiety, she walked towards him.[/i]

[i]Every step she took seemed like an eternity- although she desperately wanted to talk to him she would have been blissfully happy if this moment lasted forever, always in anticipation of reaching something so...[/i]

* * *

The boy wrapped his food back up in the paper. He didn't feel like eating any more. Lifting the collar of his jacket around his neck, he lay against the side of the tree and drifted off to sleep.[/color]

[Guest Oo Haruko oO]

:D :D :D :D :D
Loved it!!! Very Vivid,Kept my attention, sounds like a personal experience. GREAT job!!! :)

[Captain Iuno]

It indeed does sound like a personal experience. And again it's very beautiful.
You've got talent Solo.
*huggles long*

[Mimmsicle]

[FONT=Verdana][SIZE=1][COLOR=Navy]The imagery going on in my head, while reading the first part, is this black and white classic movie. You've got all the right elements and you're utilizing them exquisitely.

There's a lot of drama in the air, but it's not done with an 'overthetop flare'. Instead you let most of it loom in the description. And I have to say that removing the last part (about the tear) made it more 'correct'. Not saying it wasn't good, but it did feel slightly out of character/context.


Going to the next part, it still feels like a continuation of the first part. But where the first part gave off a chilled sadness, the second part felt more warming and sweet. So they both do a great job in conveying emotions ^_^


In almost every sentence you've incorporated so much life, one can't help but be swept away by this story. The language isn't trying to go over the readers head, while at the same time not talking down to him/her. You've struck a wonderful balance in telling this tale.

Can't wait to read more ^_^[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

[Solo Tremaine]

[color=#503f86][b]Part 3: Mirrored Images[/b]

She buried her face in the pillow, muffling the sound of her sobs with its warm comfort, her tears slowly soaking into the soft material. She remembered every moment she spent with him.

[i]It had been an hour or two- they were slowly walking along the river side, watching swans gracefully pass by as their conversation carried into the soothing autumn breeze.[/i]

[i]"Have you come far?" she asked, trying to hide her embarrassed smile.[/i]

[i]The boy tilted his head. "Quite far. I've been travelling for a long time, so I can't really remember where I first started from."[/i]

[i]"Really? How long as it been?"[/i]

[i]She gazed at him intently. His eyes were so deep- he always looked as if he were thinking about something- even when he was in one place he was still journeying with his mind. His long hair moved gently in the breeze. Slowly, she edged her hand towards his, lightly brushing his fingers with hers. [/i]

[i]A tiny stroke, almost invisible.[/i]

[i]He drew his hand back slightly. "A long time. It's hard to say."[/i]

[i]Blushing, she moved her hand again. "I've lived here my whole life. I've barely been outside the village, except to travel to the city for school." She stretched her fingers towards his hand, hoping for an approach that could allow her to touch, to hold it firmly in hers. [/i]

[i]He twitched slightly, moving away. She held her hand and rubbed it gently- it was getting a little cold, but buzzed from the drive of her emotions.[/i]

[i]"A-are you cold?" she mumbled, pulling her jacket closer in. "The wind here bites quite a lot, and you're not wearing gloves, so..." A tingling wave of anticipation crept down her spine as he drew breath in to reply.[/i]

[i]"There's something I like about the cold." he replied quietly. "It's almost comforting, feeling it on my skin as I walk."[/i]

[i]She blushed again. She must look like an idiot. But more than anything she wanted to be close to him. "Well, but... I'm getting rather cold, and I'm wearing a scarf. I just thought that..."[/i]

[i]She stopped suddenly, her cheeks almost glowing red. He stopped and looked to her quizically.[/i]

[i]"Do you want to wear my scarf? It's quite warm, and I'm really quite used to the cold," she stammered, determination in her eyes meeting his soulful gaze once again.[/i]

[i]There was a tense pause. The boy stepped closer...[/i]

* * *

He was dreaming again. He could feel it. He always dreamt of his memories.

[i]"How long has it been?"[/i]

[i]The boy could feel her fingers playing over his. Startled, he drew his hand back and kept it closer to his side. Was that an accident?[/i]

[i]"A long time," he said quietly, almost trying to retreat into himself. He didn't want to run away from her, but this was unexpected. He glanced over to her and saw a glimmer of disapppointment flash over her eyes.[/i]

[i]Do you really want this already?[/i]

[i]"It's hard to say," he added, trying to curb his air of avoidance. It wasn't that he hadn't been seeking contact, but...[/i]

[i]She was blushing. He could feel her hand move closer again as she began searching for a way to reconnect. Her voice was a little wavy- he could tell her mind was distracted.[/i]

[i]"I've lived here my whole life." Her fingers touched his and tried to slide between them. "I've barely been outside the village, except to travel to the city for school."[/i]

[i]Slowly enough to keep her from noticing his retreats, he drew his fingers into a ball. She withdrew her hand and clasped it in her other, as if trying to console it.[/i]

[i]"A-are you cold?" she stammered. "The wind here bites quite a lot, and you're not wearing gloves, so..."[/i]

[i]No. I know what you want, but I can't give it to you. Not yet.[/i]

[i]"There's something I like about the cold." he replied quietly. "It's almost comforting, feeling it on my skin as I walk."[/i]

[i]He wasn't watching her, but looked ahead as they talked, focusing on the pathway the were taking. Suddenly, he sensed her slipping back. Turning, she saw her holding her scarf out to him, arms outstretched, barely making eye contact. And then he saw something he'd rarely seen before. In her eyes, her face- something touchingly beautiful. Stunned slightly, it took his body a few seconds to decide what to do.[/i]

[i]Can I risk this? Will I hurt you if I decide either way?[/i]

[i]She shuffled her feet slightly, still offering the scarf to him. Her beautiful humanity presented to him. In this way, she looked perfect. Perhaps against his rational judgement, he stepped forwards. But even rational judgement could not keep him from smiling.[/i]

[i]"Actually, that would be nice."[/i]

He awoke with a start. Behind him, he could hear raised voices.

[b]Part 4: Devil's Advocate[/b]

"What the hell did you say?"

"I hate you! I hate you, I hate you! How dare you be so callous? I loved you!" A girl's voice, shrill and bursting with pain.

"Well, you said I should be honest! How long would you have wanted me to lie to you, to pretend I loved you if only for your sake? Tell me!" A man roared.

There was a brief moment of slience, then the boy heard the sound of sobs escaping into the distance. He didn't chance a look round.

A creak of the tree's bark alerted him to a nearby presence.

"I didn't wake you, did I?" A young man asked, eyeing the boy.

"Oh, no." The boy lied, shuffling himself into a more upright posiiton.

The man sat down next to him, sighing. "Must have scared a few birds, though."

A brief silence.

"Relationships are nothing but trouble," the man said quietly, staring at the ground in front of him, jabbing the earth with a twig.

"Are they?" the boy replied, a hint of disagreement colouring his voice. The man turned to look at him.

"Well, they're not [i]just[/i] trouble. But they certainly cause a lot of it."

The boy shrugged. "I guess they do. But... it doesn't have to be like that. You just need to find the right person."

"Yeah, but once you find them, they have to find you back. Love isn't a one-way process."

There was another awkward silence. The boy glanced over at the man, who had thrown the twig away and was now staring into the leaves of the trees above them. "Is that why you two had an argument?"

The man laughed. "Not really. I doubt there was ever any real love in it. When we met she was lonely and I was unsatisfied. The circumstances forced us into something that wasn't really tangible. So we were never right for each other in the first place."

"Ah, I see." The boy rested his head against the tree and looked out onto the landscape. The sun had appeared, shedding its golden light over the cliffs, hills and trees. The river weaved its shimmering path through them, trailing off into the distance.

"So what about you?" The man's broken silence caused the boy to jump. He smiled nervously.

"Sorry?"

"What's your take on love?"

"Oh... I don't really know."

The man drew back. "What do you mean 'You don't know'? Haven't you ever fallen in love with someone?"

"I don't know. People have fallen in love with me, but I don't think I ever gave myself a chance to love them back."

"What were they like?"

The boy gave a questioning look to the man, who gestured for him to answer.

"Well... they were all nice. I'd certainly be friends with all of them, but..."

"Okay, so why didn't you love them?"

"I didn't want to hurt them."

The man laughed. "That's absurd! How can loving them hurt them?"

The boy tensed. "It's not that I'd hurt them by loving them, it's more that I didn't want to commit myself to something when I didn't know what I wanted for myself yet. I'd hurt them if I discovered that I would be happier elsewhere."

"So what, did you just run away?"

"I told them I'd give them an answer once I knew what I was looking for."

"And have you answered any of them?"

The boy fell silent. They wouldn't still be waiting for him, would they?

"I see." The man leant forwards, resting his elbows on his knees. "You're quite dangerous, kid."

"Dangerous?"

"Yeah. Love won't wait for you- you have to take it while it's there, otherwise all you'll feel is regret."

"But how do you know when it's real love? People have told me that they love me but I haven't loved them back. Does that mean I should take them and be done with it?"

"No, but you should at least be honest with them. Leaving them hanging on like you have only leads them to disingegrate until they're a shadow, merely waiting for you to come back. And even if you did, they probably wouldn't be the same as when you left."

"You don't know that! What's to say they won't forget about me and find someone else?"

"Listen, you know people and I know people. And I get the feeling you're the kind of guy a girl could get very attached to. A rarity. If you aren't honest with them then all they'll do is keep trying to find you, even though all they're doing is chasing an unreachable dream."

"But... I don't know if I love them or not."

"Choose one."

"What?"

"Choose [i]one[/i]. You can't love everyone."

"But I don't know..."

"You don't know much, do you? Just pick the one you like best and go with her."

The boy rose to his feet. "That's ridiculous. It doesn't work like that!"

"Oh, then how does it work?"

"I..."

"You don't know, do you? Are you honestly going to tell me you're going to search the entire world first and [i]then[/i] make your decision? That's impossible!"

The boy bit his lip, turning away.

"Even if you did manage to do it, by the time you did you'd be too old and you'd have forgotten to live. You die, alone, having never reached anything despite having the opportunities handed to you."

The boy said nothing, but his hands shook.

"Okay, maybe I phrased it wrong," The man said, more quietly. "But my point is that you won't know what love you want unless you let yourself experience it. Believe it or not, once you've given them a chance to love you then they'll be more prepared to let you go if it's not suitable. Just do it."

"You mean I should say I love them [i]knowing[/i] it's not going to be forever, like you did to that girl? I don't want to hurt people in that way. If I know it's not going to last then they're better off finding someone who will really love them."

There was another silence. The wind began to blow again.

"How many people have told you that they loved you?" The man asked.

"Five," the boy whispered.

"In those exact words?"

"Not all of them."

"What did you say to them?"

"I said... When someone says they love you it's only right that you should return their feelings. There were different forms of love being shown to me: sexual, crushes, kindred spirit. They all wanted to hear my love in return. I wanted to return it, and in some cases I did. But I didn't lie. I did love them, but love itself is too broad a term for an affection that can be felt in hundreds of different ways. The love I felt for some was stronger than that which I felt for others and it manifested itself in different ways, but even then I didn't see what I was looking for."

"Then what are you looking for?"

"I don't know yet. But I think I'll know when I find it."

"And how are you going to find it if you don't look properly?"

The wind blew again. The two of them stared at each other in silence. Finally, the boy picked up his bag and slung it over his back.

"If you can tell someone that you don't love them, that's half the battle. Never mind how that may hurt them- if you don't do it, all you'll do is hurt them more. And if you [i]can't[/i] tell someone that you don't love them, then I think you'll have found what you're looking for."

"So where should I go?"

The man stood up and brushed off his coat "I think your first task should be to give those who you promised answers to an answer. You can't let yourself be blinded by sentiment when something so important is on the line."

The boy nodded. "I've been doing this the whole way. I didn't mean to lead people on like this. But I didn't want to be nasty to them."

"Hey, it's alright. We all make mistakes. And some people are just more attractive than others, even as friends. Just make sure in future that they know from the start where you stand, and anything else should be theirs to deal with. If you try to take everything upon yourself all you'll end up with is a trail of uncertainty and trapped grief. Have faith in people that they can heal themselves over time, but they can only if you hand them the key with which to do so: your answer."

The boy smiled. "All right. Thank you, sir."

A hearty slap on the back almost knocked the boy over. "Go on, get out of here. You've some people to catch up with."

A grateful smile spread over the boy's face. He gave a last grateful look back over his shoulder, a quick wave goodbye, and began walking back towards the village he'd left that morning.[/color]

[Captain Iuno]

Wow, you've really got talent. It's so beautiful and these two parts made me cry.
I could sense the words were carefully chosen, they are beautiful.

I recognised two things in the third part, that I've experienced myself. The part with the girl looking for the boy's hand with hers. And the one with the cold wind.

Are there some memories of yourself hidden in this amazing rainbow of words?

[Hevn]

[COLOR=RoyalBlue][SIZE=1][B]Mmm... very comforting. I can now vaguely imagine where this is going Solo dear.

The fourth part is, by far, the best for me. Every line and emotion is so in touch with reality in that it speaks of a certain aspect of love that most people have been confused about. This piece introduces so many realizations and it's great.

[COLOR=Purple]"What's your take on love?"[/COLOR]

...has got me wondering of an answer for myself.

[COLOR=Purple]"You don't know much, do you? Just pick the one you like best and go with her."[/COLOR]

That's my favorite. It's funny how we think that some things are so complex that we confuse ourselves and make stupid decisions when, in fact, it really is so simple.[/B][/SIZE][/COLOR]