Discuss The Winds of Sorrow

[Albel the Wicked]

This is a very serious RPG. This time I seriously want people who think that this is a good idea to tell me. I'm not posting sign ups until I KNOW that this is a good idea. Well, here you go.


On the plains of Japan, there is a warrior, that lives deep within a boy. Although he may not be strong, his courage and heart will guide him through this ordeal that he will face. He will face his problems and die as his only wish. He wants to die, so that he may be with his sister. She was murdered by assassins, who were a secret organization. Since his father was an ex-member, he thinks that it was for compensense. Although his father died mysteriously after he resigned along with his mother. When he came home, he saw a dagger plunged into his sisters heart. Along with a note through this dagger was there. The words that it qouth, still make the boy shudder,written in blood, it said,"[COLOR=DarkRed]This fate was all caused to your family. Everyone will die. Be careful for when you sleep, there will always be someone watching.[/COLOR]" The boy, he started to cry, but relized, that he was being watched constantly, so he would have to become a man and face this trouble. Although this organization is still alive, he will avenge his family and kill everyone of those assassins. This is his first and hardest travel, which starts now.


That's it. After that would be the sign up. This is going to be one of those RPGs where you don't choose what your character's job is. It's one where there are only so many positions for certain people. Here are the characters.

Boy: The main character killing the assassins. You create every bit of him. The only thing I want, it his age to be no older then 15.

Assassin leader: I think that the name speaks for itself. He leads the assassins that killed the boy's family.

Ex-assassin: This is an assassin that joins the boy later on in the RPG. He will tell the boy all the secrets of the assassins group.

Mysterious lady: I know that I couldn't come up with a lamer title, but the name is up to thoses who sign up as her. She is a girl, that is actually a thief. Depending on what the person does, she probably falls in love with the ex-assassin or the boy. It all depends on the person playing her.

2nd leader: This is the second in command of the assassins. He is very deadly and a good leader. Those who will fight him will face a great challenge. About 3/4 through the RPG is when he comes in.

Assassin 1: This is the one that follows the boy all the way through the RPG. When he decides to strike at the boy is up to the choice of the person who plays him.

I think that's all the people that I'll have, since I don't want to wait TOO long for the sign ups. That is, if people like this idea.

[Epsilon]

[SIZE=1][COLOR=SlateGray]The story does have potential. I'd sign up if some of the things were fixed, since the story's plot does appealed to me. But you do need to fix some things within your plot.


1.) Lack of detail.
[i] - Something very important within a story or RPG. Judging by the type and classification this is in, there would probably be a lot foreshadowing. Meaning detail would be a strong point to getting people to sign up in the first place. Not to mention keeping their interest.[/i]

2.) Strength of persona and characteristics.
[i] - There isn't much strength to the Sins. Mainly to their; motivation, organization, acts, etc. I, personally, think that it could be stronger. Along with the relations within the family ties.

3.) Grammar and Punctuation.
[i] - Some of the sentences are written...Incoherently. Leaving some confusion for what comes next within the plot. Plus separation of ideals, i.e. separation of paragraphs.[/i]


These are the three main elements of story and English Grammar you should, probably, work on to help get your RPG's off the ground.

If you need anything explained more in depth or clarified, please let me know.[/SIZE][/COLOR]

[Hevn]

[COLOR=RoyalBlue][SIZE=1][B]Okiedokie, you really got me interested with the first few lines about the boy but the rest of the paragraph seems 'hurried'. It's like you threw all information and made your point as briefly as possible.

Now there is really nothing wrong with that. But I think a good introduction should be well-written and well-thought of because the quality of an introductory post determines how good an RPG will or is expected to be. It should somehow make the impression that you are attracting or convincing people to join the RPG.

As of now, I think you are too concentrated on the story that the art of writing is left out. I suggest that you take time in stating/elaborating the story more creatively and as Ruby said, give more attention to detail. You could try giving a little more personality/history for the characters so there would be a basis for the sign-ups and members would be challenged more.[/B][/SIZE][/COLOR]

[Albel the Wicked]

I agree completley, but this was just a sample piece of the actual thing. I put more into the history and stuff, on the sign up sheet at the Adventure Inn. So, go and check out the revised addition to this RPG.