Writing my new story (still working on it) [E]

[Guest Mana]

[INDENT]Olwe had just turned 20, and so he had now come of age. Tonight he and his family were going to celebrate with a great party, but Olwe did not plan to attend this party. He had a plan, he was going to run away from home and become the greatest of warriors. There was only one problem; he had not one weapon, nor did he have a horse or saddle. How was he to begin his quest?

Well getting a sword was his first concern. Olwe would have to either steal it from a local swordsmith (which was his last resort), or purchase one. That's all he could think of. Many thoughts of what to do passed through his mind as he lay in the grassy field staring up at the clear blue sky.

Then Olwe noticed a figure of a person on horseback galloping at him full-speed. Who was this mysterious rider and why in the world were they going so fast? Well, Olwe was soon about to find out. The figure was in view of Olwe within ten seconds, and as she raced past him she grabbed hold of his shirt and lifted him into the saddle behind him. "Hold on!" she yelled with a fierce tone. Her wavy brown hair shined beautifully in the sun, and her soft cheeks were complimented by beautiful red lips. Her eyes were deep blue, and her gaze was fierce. She had the look of a veteran warrior, yet she looked no older than 18. [/INDENT]


[COLOR=DeepSkyBlue][RIGHT](still writing)[/RIGHT][/COLOR]

This is a story I'm making and still working on, so you don't have to judge it yet. I will turn this into an rpg also. I still need a title, so PM me if you can think of one.

[Squall]

The way you tell it, you sound pretty distant, as if you were weaving in and out of a summary. Some things that might require some thought:

The setting, for one. Where is this taking place? England, during the dark ages? Japan, in the fuedal era? Some mystic land of magic?(note: if magic is involved, you might want to get that out as soon as possible.)

Owle, for two. Who is he? why does he want to become a great warrior? If it were me, I would make the reader comfertable with him far before introducing the girl.

The way you tell the story makes it sound somewhat like a summary. I would suggest going deeper with things. Don't just announce that Owle wants to become a great warrior, depict him laying on the grass, daydreaming of stories a great warrior once told him, and describe how Owle wanted to be just like him. Or something like that.

If you're going to make it into an Rpg, than I would suggest making a scenario that's exciting for more than just Owle.

That's all I have to say. Just keep working on it, I have a feeling that if you touch it up, this'll be great.

~Later