Persona Posted September 21, 2004 Share Posted September 21, 2004 [COLOR=DarkRed]Don't let sadddness get to you.......... If she has no soul, Why does she cry Noone ever noticed To even ask why Or so she thought Wanting to spread her wings The only thing beautiful Sadly, she couldn't be free Her wings weren't ready to let go So much pain That she couldn't even notice It was she who kept herself In shadows Noone noticed how souless she was They were to busy dealing With what was there Her sanctuary was her mind But her mind couldn't help Her escape at all For the mind itself was lost Once she tried to let go Caught herself gazing What was beneath...the ground But her wings still Coudn't let go Had no choice but to hold back in Days passed and nobody Seemed to notice That all along she was A suoless body She found herself again Doing something else Standing in front of the mirror Daring not to see Couldn't bare the fact That she couldn't let go One day she'll stare At her reflection And face the truth That it was her all along Who lost hope in herself Sadly, that day never came. SadAngel[/COLOR] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Epsilon Posted September 25, 2004 Share Posted September 25, 2004 [COLOR=SlateGray][SIZE=1]I like your writing style. Over looking two minor spelling and grammar errors, you've done a great job at catching the flow. And allowing it all to fall together with in the main phases. But there is one line with, annoys me. The line: [i]"She wanted to spread her wings The only thing ever beautiful about her"[/i] Breaks done certain parts that are further in the poem. In my personal opinion, it's hurting the foundation a bit. It think that those two lines could be shortened. Or the second line [i]"The only thing ever beautiful about her."[/i] could maybe be rephrased. Other then this, I think it's wonderfully done.[/SIZE][/COLOR] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Persona Posted September 25, 2004 Author Share Posted September 25, 2004 Thank you for posting your comment. Plus that line also bothered me. I thought I should just drop it. But I fixed it alittle. Well if it still not better, than can you help me with it. Thank you again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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