Writing Three Eloquent Poems [E]

[Inari]

[COLOR=DarkSlateBlue]I'll post these one at a time, so here is my first one. Don't worry I'm not suicidal, I was just kind of depressed when I wrote this.

[CENTER][B]Immortal Wings[/B]

From the vast expanses of the sky she falls,
Down into darkness of the forest floor,
She spreads her golden wings and tries to fly,
Longing for the freedom to soar so high.

Pools of black poison seep from her side,
She endures her pain alone and in silence,
A silver tear slips from the corner of her eye,
Dropping to the snow, its beauty is lost forever.

She waits for a sign that she is free,
Doomed to wait forever, already forsaken.
The chill of night encroaches on her feathers,
Gazing at the sky, she longs for the end.

Out of the eternal darkness there comes light,
Twinkling towards her, they come in majesty,
She embraces their touch and welcomes them in,
She closes her eyes and flies on immortal wings.[/CENTER][/COLOR]

[Cyriel]

Hello, darling Inari. :) Waiting for your second now. The imagery in this one is beautiful - made my heart flutter and my smile sad.

[Delta]

[COLOR=DarkRed][SIZE=1]
Lovely!

I agree with Cyriel. You painted a most vivid imagery with just a few lines!
Hmm... I've a suggestion. Since the piece sounds like a song, maybe a more structured poem could work. Not necessarily rhyming words but a strict syllable count for each line at least.

Love and Peace! :love2:

[/SIZE][/COLOR]

[Guest Midnight Rush]

Hi to J and M!

Onto your poem J, here's the short version: Wow

Reading this, and I'm not a poetry person so this is doubly impressive, actually brought the images you were using into my mind. It brought into my mind the sensation that this woman is feeling...the falling, then the struggle with darkness, then a sort of hopelessness that gives birth into hope and finally freedom. Very good stuff.

[Inari]

[COLOR=DarkSlateBlue]Hi everyone! Thanks for all of your comments. I didn't think I would get to post my other poems, so thanks for replying. :D

I think I will try to follow some kind of rhythmic pattern in my next poems, eternity. I suppose I should succumb to some form of pattern... Well, here is my next poem. I don't like it as much. I found that poems about pain and suffering were easier to write. Maybe pain is a stronger emotion. Meh.

[CENTER][B]Captive Souls[/B]

Fearfully reaching out for each other,
Sacrificing all for our pure love,
Uncertain as the wind blows,
Yet willingly loosing ourselves.

Delicately bound together,
Caring deeper than ever before,
Opening our lives to each other,
Devotion reaching to our very core.

Two souls venturing forth,
Leaving everything certain and known,
Daring to unite in a leap of faith,
A union greater than each alone.

Deep eyes piercing my soul,
Filling my heart, sustaining my life,
Two hearts beating together,
Two souls twining as one.

Nervous breaths of anticipation,
The encapsulating gaze of your eyes,
The lingering warmth of your breath,
Your symbol of love around my neck.

Pure, unchanging love,
Resonating from our every fiber,
Revealing the truth of our lives,
We are captive souls loving as one.[/CENTER][/COLOR]

[Cyriel]

Hmm...parts I like, and parts I don't like. I actually like the tone that this poem portrays a bit more than your first, but maybe it's just because I like happier stuff more...:) But I thought that some of the stanzas were really good and heartfelt. I especially liked the lines:
[I]Delicately bound together,
Caring deeper than ever before,
Opening our lives to each other,
Devotion reaching to our very core.

Two souls venturing forth,
Leaving everything certain and known,[/I]

It really seemed to capture the essence that you presented. Once again, the imagery is lovely, and especially your nature imagery. For example, where you say "[I]Uncertain as the wing blows[/I]," just the image being related to a metaphor of the wind, and in turn to nature, makes it so simplistic and understandable. This poem actually kind of reminds me of some of the structure and pattern of [U]Faust[/U], by von Goethe.

I liked this poem a bit more because of the tone, but I think that your first poem sounds more natural, and so in structure I like the first one more. The second one it seems like some of the pattern was a little...forced? I don't know. But it was still wonderful to read. #3 please! :D

[Inari]

[COLOR=DarkSlateBlue]Well here it is my last poem for now. I wrote this the other day durring and english lecture. I tried to follow a rhythmic patter, but I'm not sure if I like it so much. Try and figure out all of my symbols/metaphores. It should be interesting.

[CENTER][B]A Rock in the Sea[/B]

In the midst of the swirling dark ocean depths,
Waves rising and falling in their own time,
Turmoil and chaos in the moon?s design,
A rock stands firm, struggling in the dark.

Waves crashing down, thrashing the rock?s face,
Crumbling away into the endless sea,
Smothered and soaked, swept under by great waves,
Revealing fresh scars only time can heal.

The sun?s bright rays pierce the dwindling storm,
Glistening in the light, comforted by the warmth,
Though the waves broke the stone, it has survived,
Chasms run deep, but yet it still lingers.

Water left remnants of its destruction,
Minerals and debris stranded on its face,
Changing its surface, allowing new life,
Seeds creep from the crack and reach for the sun.


[/CENTER][/COLOR]

[Guest Midnight Rush]

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm....

It seems to me to be an overall metaphor of someones life. This person is the rock, and life is the sea. The strom is some kind of calamity that breaks the person down. This person survives, but is sort of cut open and all that, healing in the wonderful, albeit breif sun.

Thats what I took from it. It was cool, although I still like the first the best.

Good work J.

[Cyriel]

I think that I especially enjoyed this one - yes, my favorite out of the three. I mean, it's way shorter than the other two, but I think that the brevity makes it all the sweeter and more touching. As for the rythmic (sp?) pattern, I think that it's very very...oh, what's the word... well, it's just different, but it still keeps enough of a cadence to keep it going. It adds to the complete tone quality of the piece, and it's lovely. Because just like in the poem, the pattern you have seems to breathe its own breath, and seems to be living on its own, not depending on any other pattern or grid before it. It's very effective.

[I]Waves rising and falling in their own time,[/I] - it's so completely my favorite line! Again, it seems to embody the freedom that this poem seems to have - just free of everything, especially with the imagery you use of nature - it's all free, and at the same time, it belongs.

This poem reminds me something of a book I read, called [U]Bite the Sun[/U], (or it may be Biting..) and just the last line really reminded me of that, because of the way you incorporate the sun. And just the simplistic quality of the imagery is wonderful, and smooth, and just really natural. I also like your choice of words, like the minerals being stranded - it's an interesting, yet natural, combination.

Symbols and metaphors? Wow, that could go on forever. But this really reminded me of redemption. Or, I guess you could put it as going through trials and suffering and storms, and yet still surviving to start over again. It's, as I said before, something of a redemption, or second life. Saying that one will go through the tempest and challenges, and they will change you, but that doesn't necessarily mean for bad. It could change you in a way you didn't see before, and you will still be able to reach up again for life. Changed, and still alive.

[Inari]

[COLOR=DarkSlateBlue]Hmm... As for the last poem I never thought of the redemption aspects, but I like it. I suppose I was thinking more along the lines of Midnight Rush's interpretation, but their both good. It's good to know that people can pick out my metaphors, while I struggle to make them very secretive and deeply embedded.

What the title says three? Oh well, here's another poem.

[CENTER][B]My Black Pool of Misery[/B]

Standing on the edge of the darkness, I enter,
The opaque surface parting to pull me inside,
Slowly slipping under the deep pool of misery,
Gasping my last breath and holding it within.

Floating in misery far from the light,
Lost in confusion, pulled under by pain,
Like quicksand it consumes my soul,
Losing myself in the murky water.

From the surface there comes a light,
A pebble breaks the surface and enters in,
Ripples resonate across the dark surface,
Through perfect circles the silver pool clears.

Under the surface I spy the light,
It lingers for me to follow it out,
Hungry for breath, I eagerly swim upward,
Emerging from the pool with new hope.

Shrinking from the blackness of the pool,
I start my new life away from pain,
Releasing the all encompassing sorrow,
Living in this world full of light.[/CENTER][/COLOR]