Writing A Random Blogger's Moment of Sanity [E]

[Godelsensei]

[COLOR=Gray][FONT=Courier New]?Do you think justifying what we?re doing right now as our not getting into drugs or joining gangs is just a way of hiding the fact that we?ll never be prepared for real life and that we have no social skills whatsoever??
?What do you?don?t use up as jump?what are you talking about??

?Well, think about it. At the age we?re at now, we don?t have to do anything for ourselves. I mean, our parents pay for everything for us, and we see the fact that we avoid talking to people not as something that might cause a future hindrance, but as a benefit because we don?t have to be around to support people or fulfill obligations this way.?

?So? I told you to stop using up as jump. I?m kicking your ***??

?In real life, we?re going to need to talk to people, and we?re going to have to face peer pressure. I mean, it?s not like adults are exempt from being horrible, stupid, biased people that treat any one who?s different from them and their little group as inferior. At least the kids who let themselves buy into that crap when they?re still, you know, kids, learn better and know what to avoid doing. All we?re doing right now is avoiding that whole circumstance, just by keeping away from every one we don?t know, because we?re afraid they might make fun of us or make us want to change ourselves.?

?And that?s a bad thing? Would you seriously rather be out buying expensive jeans and smoking? I?m still kicking your ***, you know. I told you it?s better to use lightweights in this mode.?

?Maybe and no. I mean, it?s not the expensive jeans and smoking I have any second thoughts about shying away from. It?s just that we?re basically sitting, wasting away our years of youth and beauty in front the TV, playing video games, and on the computer, putting all of our effort into making ourselves noticed on forums and in fan-listings and writing pointless, long-winded, angst-ridden entries on blogs that no one of importance is ever going to look at, let alone care about.?

?Hey, man, my blog gets over a hundred hits a week. Speak for yourself.?

?And what kind of people go there, anyway? I mean, think about it! They?re just pale, overweight kids who have nothing better to do with their lives than stare at a computer screen. When was the last time you read anything really astounding anywhere on the ?net? All the real writers who know what they?re doing are out getting published at fourteen and landing themselves a level road to University and a career.?

?You could drown in the angst that dribbles off the low-quality paper pages of those books. Let?s play something else; this is getting boring. You keep losing.?
?But they??

?I?ll put Soul Caliber on, okay??

??yeah, okay, cool. But they get somewhere with it. Angst is what the public wants, and they?re willing to give it to them. And I?ll bet they have social lives, too, at least after their classmates find out they?re published. I mean, who doesn?t want to be able to brag about knowing some one like that?
?They learned how to get successful before their thirteenth birthday, and are already making money off of it, and neither of us can even get organized enough to look at, let alone start, our homework. We fail every test we write, and still go on doing what we?re doing, because we like to tell ourselves that?why are you playing as???

?Shut up. She?s cool.?

?Whatever. We like to tell ourselves that we?re escaping a life of 9-to-5 jobs because we?re going to somehow get into the gaming industry or write our own books or win the lottery and move to Japan. We tell ourselves we can?t do anything our parents or teachers want us to, and that continuing to lose at everything we do and then finally pulling out and becoming rich and successful through some unlikely twist of fate is our way of getting back at the world.?

?You?re shooting kind of low there. My goal is world domination. Besides, spite is a powerful motive. You know, you can do a combo if you press more than one button at once. Besides, spite is a powerful motive. More-so than the thirst for honest, pure-hearted success.?

?You think so??

?Yeah.?

?So, what has spite accomplished you thus far??

?Well, I haven?t passed a single math, French, or science assignment for two years, but can speak fluent, self-taught Japanese. And I?ve transposed the entire Zelda main theme for piano, beat Chrono Trigger three times using just my toes, and can hum all of Do As Infinity?s songs backwards.?

?Really??

?No, but neither can Bill Gates, and look where he is.?

?Touché.?


This was written with the intent of entering a contest that bascially looks for insightful peotry, prose, and creative writing from "modern, urban youth".

I like the idea of this piece, but can't help feeling that there's alot wrong with it I'm not seeing ways to fix. I think the ending is rather weak, and have tried several different closing lines, but none of them seem to give much of an impact.

Help...?[/FONT][/COLOR]

[Lady Asphyxia]

[font=Verdana][size=1]I like it. Initially the "Don't use up as jump" part confused me, but when I understood that it was two people rather than one, and that they were playing a game, it made a lot more sense, heh. ^_^"[/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1]I love the way you manipulate the piece so that the reader [i]knows[/i] what is going on without there being any description. It's really a fantastic way to show off your talent, heh, because it's pretty original and it can be really hard to do. I think I remember Alex [or Siren, or PT, or Petey or whatever he's called now :p ] doing the same thing, and his was really effective as well. [/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1]I think, for the end, you have to think about what sort of impact you want. I mean, the way I see this piece, it would be best to end off with the same sort of thing you started as; something like the "Don't use up as jump" line. But at the same time, that would almost write off the entire musing of the piece, like it [i]had[/i] no impact on the people involved, non? So I guess it all really depends on how you want the conversation to affect the participants. [/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1]I don't know if I can really help very much, to be honest. I really like this piece myself, and I'm not sure how to fix what might be wrong with it. I'm not even sure what is wrong with it, heh. [/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1]So well done on the piece; I hope someone who comes after me will be more helpful, heh. *nods* [/size][/font]

[Brasil]

Let's see...first off, awesome story. The dialogue was great, it felt natural, and it was totally entertaining.

The juxtaposition of the near philosophical/existential motifs of the dialogue against the modern pop culture-type setting of playing a fighting game works very well. I know I've actually gotten into some odd little discussions while I was playing my high school buds, so that works really well, because you capture that almost perfectly.

It's actually really interesting, because, well, one, it reminds me of Calvin and Hobbes, which is always a good thing, and two, it's a good juxtaposition because it makes sense while not making sense.

We don't expect teenagers to get into these discussions while they're playing video games, because video games are touted as just mindless entertainment that has no other purpose than to provide social outcasts with activity and to drain brain cells. But in the story, that stereotype and stigma is thrown out the window, and it works, if only because the gamers are actually displaying an understanding of the world around them.

Now, for editing. For the most part, I wouldn't change anything at all with the dialogue itself; 90% of it is solid.

What I do suggest revising is more spacing than anything else. Make sure there are spaces between each paragraph, and there's one quotation mark missing in there. It's nothing terribly jarring, but it does add some confusion, and I had to re-read it a few times to make sure of who was talking when.

Also, in the cases of the interrupted dialogue (What are--don't use Up as a jump--what are you talking about), try using a double dash instead of a singular. It will probably help distinguish the thought a bit.

As for the end, I think it's pretty good. I'm not sure how spite has a connection to his accomplishments, though. I like the Bill Gates line, and the Touche is a nice touch.

Like Lady A, I really don't see a problem with any of this piece. If there was a problem with the dialogue, pacing, or general execution, I'd have let you know, heh. Dialogue is my forte, I find.

All in all...the piece is great. I can't find anything wrong with it, other than the minor structural quibbles.

[Godelsensei]

[COLOR=Gray][FONT=Courier New]Well, I guess I will have to resort to my own nitpicking in the end. Heh.^^""

The structural quibbles are mostly due to formatting problems that occur when you take a word document and OB-itize it.

Thanks, guys!^.^

Compliments are so nice to read... : )

I thought it sounded like the dialogue from a comic, too, when I wrote it. Heh.[/FONT][/COLOR]