Writing My first story (still untitled) [PG -- V]

[Meggido]

[COLOR=DarkOrange]Hey. This is my first real attempt at writing a fantasy. It is the one creative writing style that I'm good at, but I am not to sure with this piece. This is only the prologue and not the whole prologue as it is already three pages. This section has already been edited twice so lets hear people opinions.[/COLOR]

All stories must have a beginning and an ending, just as all adventures must start with the adventurer setting out and end with the adventurer completing or failing their goal. This story, though, begins three hundred years before the adventure, but has just as big an impact on the world of Falcacia.
Falcacia was and still is a continent split by three separate kingdoms each with their own unique aspects. These kingdoms were split by a mountain range known as the Triptah Mountains as they split three ways to divide all kingdoms from each other except by air transport. The largest of these kingdoms was Numac; led by Lord Cedric V. Numac had been the first of the Kingdoms to discover the mystery of flight using a steam powered engine and a gas filled balloon. This discovery marked the beginning of the second age of Falcacia.
The second of the kingdoms was Alteras; led by Lord Decan III. Alteras was a kingdom renowned for its warriors and weaponry, as much had not been seen in any kingdom. Alteras had once been a kingdom split into tribes before all had been united by Lord Illus I. Upon his call all had united under the banner of the Flame and Phoenix to fight a greater foe who had disturbed their balance, but that is another story.
The smallest of these kingdoms was Sinitia; led by Lord Sarac IX. Sinitia was not as predominant as Numac or Alteras but it was renowned for its Dragoons. The Dragoons of Sinitia were known for their strength, agility and skills when it came to close combat battles. Their skills with spears were astounding and their armour was believed to be made out of the tough skin of dragons slain at the hands of these warriors.
These three kingdoms of Falcacia had lived in peace for over five hundred years, setting up diplomatic relations and trade routes. These trade routes were via air as it had become dangerous on the surface as many creatures had become vicious and would attack a man on sight. It was unknown how this occurred, but it began in the year 100 of the second age.
Many travelers began disappearing on the roads between the capitals. The lords of the three kingdoms became anxious and so Lord Decan III sent a regiment into the wilderness to investigate the cause of these disappearances. The regiment returned with only half their numbers remaining. They brought news of strange, vicious creatures that were capable of taking down a man in seconds and tearing him to shreds.
Diplomats were sent to Sinitia and Numac to find the best course of action. The resulting discussions brought into practice the newly discovered air travel as a replacement for trade and travel between many of the towns and the three capitals. But with the increasing demands in transportation only the wealthy or socially high-standing were able to travel via air.
The three kingdoms started to build up defences to combat these creatures in case the creatures should attack their villages. Attacks seemed constant at first but after a few years the creatures gave up and attacked travelers who should happen to cross their path. After a while the attacks seemed to stop and very little was seen of these creatures but it was known that they were still out their in the wilderness.
During the hundred years that these creatures attacked a man came to the three Lords proclaiming he was a savior and could protect them all from the creatures. The Lords were getting desperate as the attacks would not let up so they accepted the man?s proposal.
The man, known as Zanar was a very strange man he seemed to know exactly when and where the creatures were going to attack before anything would happen. He appeared at every attack and stood on the barracks. One look at him and the creatures fled. As this continued the Lords began to understand that this was a powerful man and wondered what they had really gotten themselves into.
As the number of attacks decreased so as to reach a near standstill, Zanar again approached the Lords of the three kingdoms. His requests for payment of his help were simple. He wanted a tower that would allow him to view the three kingdoms and privacy. The Lords knowing that it was one of the simplest requests they could have received, set their best men to work on this tower.
A hundred years of peace and prosperity followed the completion of the tower and all were content with the happenings in the world of Falcacia. The original Lords and their descendants held biyearly conferences, which Zanar was most welcome to attend, to discuss the state of Falcacia. Zanar was the only ?outsider? to enter in these conferences and the only outlander to come to Falcacia in five hundred years of recorded history.
Little was known about Zanar but information was much sought after when he disappeared. It was unknown how it occurred but many rumours have risen from the events.

[COLOR=Blue]To Be Continued[/COLOR]
[COLOR=DarkOrange]I will add more of the story at a later date as i get around to editing to rest of the prologue. I'm also considering using the planned storyline as an RPG as it could work.[/COLOR]

[Lady Asphyxia]

[font=Verdana][size=1]Not a bad beginning, although I'd be careful with giving too much information in one block.[/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1]My first advice has nothing to do with the story, but rather with the layout. When posting on the net, it is really hard for someone to read more than a paragraph of space unless there is a line between paragraphs. Sounds stupid, but often it will decide me on whether or not I'll read the text, because it hurts my eyes to read long things without that space. So next time you might want to include them, to make it easier on the reader, heh.[/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1]Secondly, I just went through and rated your story PG for Violence. There [i]is[/i] no voilence yet, but I figured that in an adventure/action story it'd probably happen, but if you feel that it's too high or too low or something, then just PM me and I'll change it for you. ^_^[/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1]Anyway, critique.[/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1]Just a note; [color=red]Red[/color][color=black] means my comments and corrections, [/color][color=blue]blue [/color][color=black]is to draw your attention to words [mainly because of repetition]; maybe repetition or something, heh.[/color][/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1]All stories must have a beginning and an ending, just as all adventures must start with the adventurer setting out and end with the adventurer completing or failing their goal. [color=red][I love that line! I think it's a great way to begin it, and until I read that line I was planning just to skim the story to get the rating. When I read the line, I decided that I really wanted to read the story, so that makes it a good line, heh.][/color] This story, though, begins three hundred years before the adventure, but has just as big an impact on the world of Falcacia.[color=red] [This line, too is a good one. ^_^][/color][/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]Falcacia was and still is [color=red][Personally, I think it would have a greater effect as 'was and is still'][/color] a continent [color=blue]split [/color]by three separate kingdoms each with their own unique aspects. These kingdoms were [color=blue]split [/color]by a mountain range known as the Triptah Mountains as they [color=blue]split[/color] [color=lime]three ways to divide all kingdoms from each other except by air transport [/color][color=red][Personally, I think the part in green seems a bit repeditive and redundant here. I highlighted the 'splits' because it seems very repeditive.][/color]. The largest of these kingdoms was Numac; led by Lord Cedric V. Numac had been the first of the Kingdoms to discover the mystery of flight using a steam powered engine and a gas filled balloon. This discovery marked the beginning of the second age of Falcacia.[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]The second of the kingdoms was Alteras; led by Lord Decan III. Alteras was a kingdom renowned for its warriors and weaponry, as much had not been seen in any kingdom. Alteras had once been a kingdom split into tribes before all had been united by Lord Illus I. Upon his call all had united under the banner of the Flame and Phoenix to fight a greater foe who had disturbed their balance, but that is another story.[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]The smallest of these kingdoms was Sinitia; led by Lord Sarac IX. Sinitia was not as predominant as Numac or Alteras but it was renowned for its Dragoons. The Dragoons of Sinitia were known for their strength, agility and skills when it came to close combat battles. Their skills with spears were astounding and their armour was believed to be made out of the tough skin of dragons slain at the hands of these warriors.[/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1][color=red][I think talking about what the countries have done gives the reader too much information too early. Also, in each paragraph you follow the same structure; Country, leader, what they have /have done.If it isn't necessary yet, my advice is to cut out as much as you can, and maybe mix the sentence sructures around; [i]Lord Sarac IX ruled the smallest of the three kingdoms; Sinitia, which was renowned for its Dragoons[/i] or something.][/color][/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]These three kingdoms of Falcacia had lived in peace for over five hundred years, setting up diplomatic relations and trade routes. These trade routes were via air as it had become dangerous on the surface as many creatures had become vicious and would attack a man on sight. It was unknown how this occurred, but it began in the year 100 of the second age. [color=red][My advice here is that unless you plan to explain later as an epihpany/theory why they became vicious, tell us now. Writing is about suspension of disbelief, but the reader is already reading about a world they won't be able to suspend it unless you tell us at somepoint. Changing the wording could also help. [i]The people were baffled as to the cause, knowing only that it began in the 100th year of the Second Age[/i]. So, rather than sounding like [i]you[/i] couldn't be bothered to think up a reason, we think that you just don't want to tell us, heh.][/color][/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]Many travelers began disappearing on the roads between the capitals [color=red][I thought they were air routes? Or did you mean travellers who didn't go by air or something? It would probably be better if you clarified it.][/color]. The lords of the three kingdoms became anxious and so Lord Decan III sent a regiment into the wilderness to investigate the cause of these disappearances. The regiment returned with only half their numbers remaining. They brought news of strange, vicious creatures that were capable of taking down a man in seconds and tearing him to shreds[color=red][Haven't you already spoken about the creatures? This confuses me as a reader. I suggest moving this paragraph above the one before it, or else it feels needlessly repeditive and almost like the story is being told in the wrong order..][/color].[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]Diplomats were sent to Sinitia and Numac to find the best course of action. The resulting discussions brought into practice the newly discovered air travel as a replacement for trade and travel between many of the towns and the three capitals. But with the increasing demands in transportation only the wealthy or socially high-standing were able to travel via air. [color=red][Perhaps this paragraph should also be either before or incorporated into the paragraph before it.][/color][/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]The three kingdoms started to build up defences to combat these creatures in case the creatures should [color=blue]attack[/color] their villages[color=red] [I thought they were only attacking travellers? Maybe a short sentence like [i]Their fears were justified.[/i][/color]. [color=blue]Attacks[/color] seemed constant at first but after a few years the creatures gave up and [color=blue]attacked [/color]travelers who should happen to cross their path. After a while the [color=blue]attacks [/color]seemed to stop and very little was seen of these creatures but it was known that they were still out their in the wilderness.[/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1]
During the hundred years that these creatures attacked a man came to the three Lords proclaiming he was a savior and could protect them all from the creatures. The Lords [color=red][Lord or Kings?][/color] were getting desperate as the attacks would not let up so they accepted the man?s proposal. [/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]The man, known as Zanar was a very strange man[color=red];[/color] he seemed to know exactly when and where the creatures were going to attack before anything would happen. He appeared at every attack and stood on the barracks. One look at him and the creatures fled. As this continued the Lords began to understand that this was a powerful man and wondered what they had really gotten themselves into. [color=red][Did the Lords wonder out allowed or privately? Did they discuss it, or worry to themselves? That sort of statement can really draw a reader in.][/color][/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1]
As the number of attacks decreased so as to reach a near standstill, Zanar again approached the Lords of the three kingdoms. His requests for payment of his help were simple. He wanted a tower that would allow him to view the three kingdoms and privacy [color=red][Zanar wanted a tower to view privacy? The way the noun ([i]privacy[/i]) is placed, it relates to the verb [i]view[/i]. If you move the privacy to before the tower part, it will make more sense.][/color]. The Lords knowing that it was one of the simplest requests they could have received, set their best men to work on this tower.[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]A hundred years of peace and prosperity followed the completion of the tower and all were content with the happenings in the world of Falcacia. The original Lords [color=red][The original Lords were still alive? How long is their lifespan? If it's longer than usual, mention it earlier so that the reader understands that. *nods*][/color] and their descendants held biyearly conferences, which Zanar was most welcome to attend, to discuss the state of Falcacia. Zanar was the only ?outsider? to enter in these conferences and the only outlander to come to Falcacia in five hundred years of recorded history.[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]Little was known about Zanar but information was much sought after when he disappeared [color=red][How did he disappear? Where? Was it in an attack or struggle, or did he quietly slip from notice? The way Zanar disappeared could probably set the entire tone...][/color]. It was unknown how it occurred [color=red][How it occured? How do they know he's disappeared? Did he not come to the meeting? Did they check his tower? If so tell us, heh. ^_^][/color] but many[color=red] [outlandish and terrifying] [/color]rumours have risen from the events.[/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]So, yes. It's a very good start. Please, continue. ^_^ This looks like it can be a really good story, and it seems well thought out. [/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1]


[/size][/font]

[Meggido]

[COLOR=DarkOrange]Thanks for the feedback. I'll make sure to take it all in. Just to clarify a few things that were brought up.

Where you asked about air travel I said that it was discovered by the kingdom but not that it was in use yet. I should probably clarify that a bit more.

The part where I talk about the original lords holding bi yearly conferences I'm not saying they have extended life spans. I should have put the hundred years etc after or reworded it so as to make sense.

Thanks for pointing out what where I have been repetitive. I have a habit of doing that and always seem to miss it.

Here is the rest of the prologue:[/COLOR]

At the precise day of the hundredth anniversary of the building of Zanar?s tower it burnt to the ground. It was could be seen at all three capital?s, which are at the furthest points from the mountain ranges. The flames were horrendously high and it seemed that much of the earth around the tower would be consumed in flame. When search parties returned from the investigation of the incident it was explained that only the tower had been consumed and that everything around it was untouched.

News was also brought that the savior was no where to be found rumour spread that he had been consumed in the fire as no corpse had been discovered. Many other rumours followed including that he was a magician who delved in the dark arts and was consumed by his own will for power. It was also popularly believed that Zanar was God having come to Earth to rescue His people from the creatures and had returned to Heaven via the magnificent height of the tower which was burned after His need of it had been completed.

From this ideal the first non-pagan religion sprang to life on Falcacia. The religion spread like a fire to dry grass throughout the lands of Falcacia. The Lords came together in relationship to this spreading religion and agreed that a man should be inducted as the leader of the religion so as to assure its smooth operation.

The first man to be inducted as the Kanash, as the title was first proclaimed by the Lords, was a man named Darias. His first task as Kanash was to initiate priests into the order so as to document the known life of Zanar. In these recordings the life of Zanar became a corrupted story to make him an almighty God who had come to Falcacia to save the people. His deeds were extended to more than just saving towns from the creatures but also to curing the sick and performing miracles of intense magnitude.

No one questioned whether these stories were true as it was believed that what was written could not have possibly been in any way controlled or exaggerated. The universal theory, where the people of Falcacia were concerned, was that the Book of Zanar comprised of eyewitness recordings and information pieced together from notes that were scattered around the old tower.

The religion spread like a wildfire throughout Falcacia and people began to forget the pagan religions that had once been a crucial part of the three kingdoms ways of living. Those gods that had once been praised and glorified were removed from the temples and Zanar became the dominant figure.

There were some who refused to accept Zanar as a God. These people became outcasts and as time progressed they too were forgotten by the three kingdoms. It is believed that these people started their own village away from those who had chosen to stray from their origins where they could worship their Gods without fear of being treated unfairly by the Zaralists, worshippers of Zanar.

Three hundred years past. The religion of Zanar was widely worshipped and helped to bring peace to the three kingdoms. Little use was needed of the armies though they were kept incase another outbreak of the creatures occurred again. The kingdoms prospered in these days and, while keeping to some of the old ways, advanced through their scholars and scientists. But how long is peace likely to remain when the lords had broken from the old ways in belief that nothing could truly threaten their homes?

[COLOR=DarkOrange]This all I have worked on at the moment and since I'm completing Year 12 haven't had much time. I hope to work on it soon.[/COLOR]