Writing Ode to Him [PG]

[Mimmsicle]

[FONT=Verdana][SIZE=1][COLOR=Navy]This is by no means polished, so excuse grammar, spelling and tense mistakes.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]


[COLOR=SlateGray] [CENTER][B]Road to Elation.[/B][/CENTER]

[I]??Mind the gap, please.? [/I]

Snapping out of her thoughts she gathers her handbag and gets up. Walking over to the doors where he?s standing she steal glances at him, trying to see if he took notice of her intense staring during the entire time he?d been on the coach. His eyes are still gazing out of the dirty windows, seemingly oblivious to the world around him. With a beating heart she stands opposite of him and waits for the coach to stop.

She shuts her eyes tightly, smelling his after shave in the air. The lulling movement from the coach and the gentle scent from him causes her to sigh contently. Aware of the slip in self control she lifts up her head and slowly opens her eyes again to claim one last look at him before the---

He?s smiling. [I]At her[/I]. Taking her in with his warm eyes.

A loud screeching sound echoes all around and suddenly she?s flying onto him. Handbags and humans are scattered all over the place, startled screams fill the air. But all she sees is his eyes looking into hers with an expression she?s never seen before. All she feels is his body so close to hers that she?s not sure if she?s still in her own. Then the lights die.

Stunned by the enrapturing scent and the sensation of his soft lips enveloping hers she instinctively reciprocates, fumbling in her attempts to respond. Painfully aware of her inexperience she resigns to simply savour the unlikely moment and embrace the pleasure to the fullest, etching every single detail to her memory.

His hands moves flighty over her arms, barely touching her skin, up to her face, stroking her hair and picking out strands, twirling them between his fingers. Kissing her deeper, his soft tongue slips over her lips and into her mouth, begging for her to affirm him. His hands carefully tug at her shirt, sliding in under the fabric and lightly stroking her stomach with the tips of his fingers.

The advances fuels the passion rushing over her and clashes violently with the chill rushing everywhere his fingertips move. Lost in the sensations she drops her handbag and wishes the coach never reaches the next stop.

[I]??Mind the gap, please.?[/I]

The train suddenly thrusts into motion again, separating her body from his. Having been torn from the pleasurable, yet confusing moment, she hesitates about what to do. The lights flicker back and the doors open. People swarm in and he is no longer there when she looks for him. With her heart sinking from disappointment and her mind questioning if what happened was just a fiction of her imagination, she gathers up her handbag and pushes her way through the crowd.

Battling conflicting thoughts she sprints across the station, bumping into masses of unrecognisable faces. She comes to a stop in a quiet corridor around a corner, the sound from the moving mass becoming distant. Breathing heavily from exhaustion and lingering excitement she rests her burning forehead against the cool wall and absentmindedly strokes the marble surface. Sensory memories of his hands sliding over her arms, his lips kissing her softly and determinedly, washes over her as she recounts the event over and over again in her mind.

Crackling from the PA system announcing the last train departure disrupts her fantasies from trailing further. Whimpering from the torment of being torn from her blissful encounter so abruptly, before given a chance to explore what she had to offer, she lets her arms fall to her sides and prepares to leave. Suddenly soft lips caress her neck, placing kisses everywhere, and a warm body leans closer to her.

[I]??Next coach from Utopia to Reality is leaving at platform 7.? [/I]

A pair of hands traces the shape of her body and she giggles almost inaudibly, not quite believing the surreal perfection of what is happening. The lips and hands intensify their effort in greeting her as she begins to push herself from the wall. She catches one of the hands and leads the way to a nearby door. When both of them have entered the room she turns and smiles confidently, feeling absolutely sure of herself in the lips locking hers in a whirlwind kiss. The last thing she hears before the door closes is the end tail of the PA announcement.

[I]?Mind the gap between the platform and the coach.?[/I]
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[Brasil]

Mimmi, beautiful story, and why you two haven't realized you have a thing for each other, I can't understand. ~_^

[Arcadia]

[size=1]I wish I could be accosted in a train station. :p

All right, the language was lovely and fluid for being "unpolished," as you say, and while the story isn't exactly something everyone can relate to, I'm sure the fantasy aspect of it is. ^_~

Awesome work, [b]Badness[/b]![/size]

[future girl]

This was really well done Mimmi. The detailed sensations were just very beautiful, good work ::applauds::.

[PainfulLife]

[COLOR=Navy]This was really well done! I really enjoyed reading this... ^_^[/COLOR] :cool:

[Hevn]

[COLOR=RoyalBlue][SIZE=1][B]Wow. I sat on the edge of my seat, my cheeks resting on my palms, a dreamy look in my eyes, as I picture every detail in this wonderful piece. I was actually getting more and more thrilled as I read it.

That was really great, Mims. No one will know that this isn't polished if you didn't telll. ^_~[/B][/SIZE][/COLOR]

[KarmaOfChaos]

[color=deeppink][size=1]Mimmi, this was absolutely beautiful. It obviously is taken at first as the simple 'girl on the trolley' story, two strangers with only the power of attraction between them. The repeated "Mind the gap, please" raises questions, but the reader is too busy wondering what will happen between the girl and the boy to bother too much with it.

Then, the tension is intenseified by the fact that she loses him, and despite the fact that you know they may have nothing in common, and it would be completely awkward, you want her to find him. He suddenly appears behind her, but almost coming on too strong, and you are confused until the next line comes up:

"?Next coach from Utopia to Reality is leaving at platform 7."

Thus the realization. This is a dream/vision/hallucination. The reader is confronted with a sense of loss and pity for the girl, because she is simply dreaming, or perhaps it is insanity, caused by whatever painful history she has had before.

"not quite believing the surreal perfection of what is happening."

This line was so perfectly depressing. She senses that it's not real, but she's too caught up in the fantasy, she doesn't want to believe it's not real. Almost to the point of needing to believe, like a sick desperation.

"Mind the gap between the platform and the coach."

This line, is, of course, what made the story. She is going to, or already has, fallen into the gap, she's too far gone to come back. And even though this is deeply saddening, it is also bittersweetly happy, because she at least has her fantasy, and you hope she is happy in it.

Great story Mimmi-kins.

-Karma[/size][/color]