Iori Yagami Posted October 21, 2004 Share Posted October 21, 2004 This chapter lacked the humor of the other chapters but had more bonding and character development. Overall, a chapter for me to think about... I hope you keep writing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Godelsensei Posted October 23, 2004 Author Share Posted October 23, 2004 An hour later, Nobuhiro was once again sitting on the subway, going in the opposite direction. The only real difference was that, instead of his brother, he was accompanied by his two nieces, the younger of which insisted upon holding his hand at all times, something he didn?t really mind. It was nearly three o?clock by now, and the trains were a bit busier than before, but not noticeably so. They wouldn?t become unbearably stuffed?something Tokyo?s trains were famous for?for another hour. When the clock stuck four, however, millions of people would board and breathing would become rather difficult for any one unfortunate enough to have to ride the subway to get somewhere that evening. For most people, this was daily routine, however, so they wouldn?t really notice. His nieces would have, though, so he?d arranged to pick them up at a time that basically killed his day on purpose. It wasn?t like he had anywhere to go or anything to do, anyway. When they arrived at the door of his small townhouse, fingers and lips still sticky from the ice creams he, being malleable of heart, had bought them on the last part of the walk home, the phone was ringing. First, he sent them off to the bathroom to wash their hands and faces, then he answered it. Five minutes later, he was frantically punching in Winnie?s phone-number, in hopes that she might be able to teach him any amount of English. ?Moshi-moshi. I am not able to come to the phone right now, so sorry?? He waited for the familiar recording to finish, trying to decipher any amount of the impenetrable syllables towards the end, and, for the first time, actually left a message. ?Winnie-san, It?s Nobuhiro. I?m sorry for bothering you, but I was wondering if you could call me back whenever you get a chance. I need some help with English. Arigato.? She never called him back. She did, however, ring his doorbell at just past seven-thirty that evening, sporting several books under each arm and a dramatically low-cut shirt he somehow managed to take little note of. He had not been expecting her to show up, but was grateful that she had, though the stack of imposing books she handed him, titled in the Roman letters he couldn?t make sense of for the life of him, were cause enough for him to develop a lump of nervousness in his throat. Keiko and Yukari, having heard the doorbell ring, poked their heads around the door to the basement, where they were watching a movie, and, upon seeing some one they?d never met before standing in the front hall, stared in the way small children will. Winnie noticed them and winked, sending them scampering back down the stairs, giggling, then pointed to Nobuhiro?s table, and said, simply, ?Sit.? He did so. There was a strange look in Winnie?s eyes?one he hadn?t seen before. Her face was the face of some one who didn?t make a habit out of getting drunk with men she barely knew. This struck him as highly unusual and he wondered if it was actually possible for some people to be serious. ?Alright, Toue-san, how much English do you know?? ?Um. I can say, ?Hello? and ?Goodbye?, and ?This is the house of my aunt,? and that?s it.? She licked her upper lip?it looked thinner than he remembered?thoughtfully and handed him the thinnest of the books. The rest she left in an overwhelming pile on the dining table, in front of them. The book in her hands was illustrated, obviously for children, and none of the words looked very long. ?Can you read this, Toue-san?? ?I can read this word: cat.? He paused and looked over at her. ?What does that mean, Winnie-san?? She sighed, took the book from him, muttered something in her own tongue, and told him. ?Neko. Neko desu. See?? She pointed to the illustration of an orange cat. ?I guess you?re going to have to learn to read the alphabet all over again then, Toue-san. Why the sudden interest in English, anyway?? ?Since I can?t help Watanabe-sensei with the comic right now, they are sending me to a function somewhere in America.? ?A function?? She looked at him for a few seconds, then her expression softened and she burst into a fit of giggles. ?They?re sending you to a con, aren?t they, Toue-san?? Her visage was back to the one he knew again, and he wondered what she found so funny. ?Um. Yes. I guess so. What?s wrong?? ?Nothing, nothing. You?ll see. When is this thing?? ?Two weeks.? Winnie?s eyes did not nearly pop out of her head, the blood did not drain from her face, she did not gawk at him for suggesting she do the impossible task of teaching him a language in two weeks. She just grinned and shoved the book in his face again. ?You learned this in school, Toue-san. Now I want you to read this. To know what the title is and what it means by the time I get back from the washroom.? She stood up and left the room, leaving him alone with what he couldn?t have known was a bastardized, children?s version of Puss In Boots. [COLOR=Gray][FONT=Courier New]It took me three tries to come up with a decent chapter. I know what I want to do with this story next, but creating a proper segue proved rather difficult. Sorry if things are a little to predictable/cliche. : /[/FONT][/COLOR] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissWem Posted October 23, 2004 Share Posted October 23, 2004 [COLOR=DarkRed]I've seen worse cliches than that. Although I don't think it was, in fact I found a lot of it surprising XD like Nobuhiro wanting to learn English (so stupid of me, I should've guessed from the title XD) and the ending to the chapter.. Funny.[/COLOR] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iori Yagami Posted October 24, 2004 Share Posted October 24, 2004 Indeed, quite cliche but I've seen much worse. This is the house of my aunt... xD An interesting phrase but now I must wonder how he knows that phrase. This chapter was funny and serious together. A hard thing to do. I commend you for this feat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Godelsensei Posted October 24, 2004 Author Share Posted October 24, 2004 His eyes ran along the page, following her black nail-polished forefinger more than the words it directed him to. They were all simple words, and she read aloud to him those he could not to her, but he saw the entire language as impenetrable. She had insisted that it was simple and made perfect sense, barring a great deal of the spelling, but he had yet to agree with her. Finally, she gave up on anything but the most basic of words, and started explaining to him where he ought to put them to make himself understood. ?See, in English, you put the verb directly after the noun it relates to, and you don?t need any particles. ?She walks to the store.?? The words were awkward in his mouth as he tried to repeat the phrase to her. He knew what it meant?she had explained it very carefully?and knew what each of the words were doing where, barring ?to? and ?the?, but it came out as some mangled form of Japanese pigeon. ?Shii waukuusu tu zee stoa?? He looked over at Winnie pleadingly, to notice she had an expression of half-masked exasperation on her face. It was nearly one in the morning and they had been working at this for hours now. Keiko and Yukari were in bed, sleeping as far as he knew, and the only sound aside from their voices repeating simple phrases back and forth was the ticking of a few clocks and the traffic outside. He said it over a few more times, each as awkward, if not more so, than the last, and then looked at her again. ?Winnie-san, I don?t understand what those two words mean.? ?Which two words?? She cocked her head slightly to the side. Her orange lips were glossy in the lamplight or, rather, her lipstick was. ?Those two words. ?Tu? and ?zee?. What do they mean? They?re not nouns or verbs, are they?? She shook her head. ?They?re particles.? ?I thought you said you didn?t need particles.? ?Not to connect the noun with the verb it performs. You use the word ?to? with un-conjugated verbs and when stating you are going as far as some place. It?s like the word ?made?, almost. If you said, ?Kanojo wa mise made iku?, it?s the same thing, only the words are in different order, and you don?t use ?wa?.? ?You use ?the? instead of ?wa??? ?No, no?there is no word for ?the? in Japanese, which is why the number of things is confusing sometimes. In Japanese you don?t change the noun based on how many of it there are. ?Hana? is ?hana?. But in English, you?d say ?flower? for one and ?flowers? for more than one. It makes things a lot clearer.? ?But??the? is a separate word. I don?t understand.? He looked at her helplessly, lost in the strange phrases and grammar, resenting his inability to make sense of them. ?Yes, but it is related to the number of a noun. You see, if you have just one of a noun, you either have ?a? flower or ?the? flower. If there is only one of the object in existence?or nearby, readily available, you know what I?m getting at?you use ?the.? So, if I wanted you to pass me a jug of water and there was only one on the table, I would say, ?Toue-san, please pass me the jug of water.?? ?I don?t understand that last sentence. I don?t know the words.? ?Well, I said your name at the beginning, because I was talking to you?but the name of the person you?re talking to doesn?t always go at the beginning, mind you?and then I said, ?please,? which is like saying, ?kudasai,? and then I used the verb ?pass?, which means to pass, and I said ?the jug of water.? There?s only one. Do you understand?? He nodded slowly, working through it in his mind. Then, ?How would I reply to that, Winnie-san?? Her eyes crinkled a little. ?How would you say it, Toue-san? I can?t tell you that. You try.? She let her head rest upon one set of knuckles and smirked. Nobuhiro took a breath and said, softly, ?Yesu. I can passu zee waataa tuu you??? He noticed her bite her lower lip, then nod. ?Yep, that?s pretty much correct. Just one thing?? He looked at her as though he might burst out crying, but that didn?t stop her from continuing. ?You would usually just say, ?Yes,? and I would say, ?thank you,? and you?d say, ?you?re welcome.? You get all that? You know what it means?? ?I think so. Domo to?? ?You?re welcome. That?s right. I think I?ll start saying simple things like that to you in English so they start to sound normal.? She yawned. ?Excuse me,? she said in English and he smiled a little. ?I think I understand those words now, Winnie-san. Thank you very much for helping me with all of this. I?m sorry for bothering you.? She grinned. ?It?s okay. I always wanted to teach English as a second language, anyway.? Her eyes wandered towards the fridge. ?Say, you got anything to drink?? ?Beer?? ?That?d be nice, but I have to drive home.? He got up to see what else he had, a puzzled expression on his face. ?I didn?t see a car outside, Winnie-san. Not a car that doesn?t belong to my neighbors, anyway.? He peered out the front window. ?I don?t have a car. Didn?t you know that? I came here on my bike before.? She raised a scrutinizing eyebrow at him as she took the can of pop from his hand. He sat down next to her again and opened his. The sound of a can being opened was followed by that of fizz building up and spilling all over his lap. ?Oh ******* hell?!? He jumped up, arm with drink at the end of it extended as far from his body as possible, face bright red. The crotch of his pants was soaked in some sort of Asian cherry-ade, giving the same visual effect as if he?d peed himself, something he hadn?t done since his sixth birthday, a memory that had haunted him since that day. Winnie was laughing hysterically, at the other end of the room, where the roll of paper towels was. She tossed it to him just late enough for him to have set the offending soft drink down on the counter. He held it pathetically in one of his hands as he looked back and forth between her and his pants until she turned around and crossed to the other side of the kitchen threshold, saying she wouldn?t look. She was still giggling uncontrollably even as her back was turned, and it was then that it occurred to him the curtains were not drawn and any one walking by could see him as he tried to mop up the pink moisture from his favorite article of clothing, so he, instead, hurried past her and upstairs to change into something less covered in cherry-ade. [COLOR=Gray][FONT=Courier New]It's unbelievable how little control a writer can have over what she's writing. What I wanted to happen in this chapter would have taken a few more pages in Word. I know this is getting more and more typical, but I adore this last bit, and if you have a problem with it...you can go boil your bottom. : P (Yes, I just watched Monty Python's Holy Grail.)[/FONT][/COLOR] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iori Yagami Posted October 24, 2004 Share Posted October 24, 2004 Explaining English to someone who speaks little to none... quite difficult. Heh. Spilling Cherry-ade on your pants. A classic. This chapter is just one of funny-ness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LostProphet Posted October 24, 2004 Share Posted October 24, 2004 Wow.....this is the first story I've read on here.....I'm addicted.....any way I can get a notification for when you update? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissWem Posted October 24, 2004 Share Posted October 24, 2004 [COLOR=DarkRed]*chuckles* you truly are a grammar obssessed being. I personally would never be able to explain a lot of those linguistic nuances. hehehe.. well, when you get into the mood for writing you really get into the mood. I'm sure the next chapter would be less cliched but just as good ^^[/COLOR] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bio Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 [font=Trebuchet MS]Gah! Forgive me for not replying earlier! I really have no excuse as to why I haven't read it until now, other than laziness and a bad short-term memory. ^^; [/font][font=Trebuchet MS]This is great stuff, Godel. It's funny, and believable. Your writing style is great, especially the way you foreshadow the next chapter. The characters -- each has their own personality, something I constantly struggle with whenever writing anything. I'll add to this later, or after the next chapter, but for now I have to go to some pointless meeting involving idiots and broken robots. [/font] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Godelsensei Posted November 2, 2004 Author Share Posted November 2, 2004 ?Kyaa! Anata no kami!? Nobuhiro watched as his sister took a tress of Winnie?s vibrant hair between her thumb and forefinger. ?I love this colour!? She sighed. ?I wish I wasn?t so old?I can?t do fun things with my hair any more, or people would think I?m a disaffected ex-hippy-wannabe or something.? She sighed, letting his friend?s hair fall. Winnie shook her head, smiling. ?No, no, you?re not old!? It was one-thirty in the afternoon. Nobuhiro stood, awkwardly, not aware of what he ought to do or say, by the still-open front door, as Keiko and Yukari played videogames in the basement. Every so often, he would hear one of them cry out in excitement or disappointment, but took little notice. His mind?s most prevalent occupation, at the moment, was finding a plausible segue, in order to say something in greeting to his sister, aside from, ?Hey, Neesan, this is Winnie-san. She?s teaching me to speak English?? The two women giggled and complimented each other?s clothing and hair and shade of lipstick. They just stood there, in the short hallway, Junko in a light designer jacket, becoming closer and closer friends as the minutes shuffled by. Eventually, the slightest of gaps opened within their string of conversation, and Nobuhiro butt in with a simple, ?Is any one thirsty?? The two women looked at him as though they had forgotten he was there for a few seconds before his sister reached out and hugged him about the shoulders, laughing. ?Yes, yes, we are very thirsty, Hiro; you shouldn?t be so rude. Thank you so much for taking care of the girls all today!? ?Yeah, well, it?s nothing. Here, if you?ll let me go, I?ll go put some tea on, or something?? ?Domo, Toue-san,? Winnie called out behind him as he made his way to the kitchen. It was only a few meters away, but he was strangely glad of the distance it provided him from his sister and friend/teacher. He briefly remembered something his younger brother had said yesterday, but quickly forced himself to forget about it. He could hear the two women talking, more quietly now, from their new location of the living room. Junko was asking his friend why she had decided to move to Japan. ?It must be lonely for you here, if you?re all alone.? He wondered if his sister expected her to reveal that she was married or engaged already. ?Not really. Not more than at home.? Winnie paused for a few seconds, and he did too, letting his hand rest on the cups, as they remained stationary on a top shelf, before taking them down, until she spoke again. ?Besides, I have friends to bother at early hours of the morning by getting drunk and almost throwing up all over their carpets.? Nobuhiro, taking the teacups down from the top shelf, said, ?No, no, Winnie-san, the front hall is tiled,? and surprised himself immensely. His sister and friend giggled from the next room, as he continued. ?Honestly, you?d think you two were still in middle-school, laughing like that. It?s creepy.? He watched the kettle as though doing so might speed up the process of boiling water. Their three-way conversation drifted from here to there, back and forth between topics, until, just as he was passing Winnie her tea, warning her, mostly out of habit of taking care of Keiko and Yukari, that it was hot, when Junko said, simply, ?So, Winnie, you speak English?? ?Hai.? ?Where are you from, then?? ?Canada.? ?Canada? Parlez-vous francais, aussi?? It then became a two-way conversation, which Nobuhiro could not have deciphered for the life of him. [COLOR=Gray][FONT=Courier New] *runs and hides* Please don't throw things--I know it's incredibly forced and dull, but it's the best I could do. I promise the next chapter will be much better--I would make this one much better, but it, at present, does not seem within my ability. I wouldn't even have bothered with it if it weren't as necessary as it is. Gomen. (At least it's short, right?)[/FONT][/COLOR] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
future girl Posted November 2, 2004 Share Posted November 2, 2004 Silly Godel, this wasn't bad at all, a job very well done. It isn't as funny or whatnot as the others, but it's very good nonetheless and serves whatever purpose it's posed to serve very well. I really like how the story is moving along in general so don't worry, I won't throw anything and if anyone else does they're obviously incredibly stupid. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissWem Posted November 2, 2004 Share Posted November 2, 2004 [COLOR=DarkRed]*throws candy* hAHAHAhaha You deserve it!!!! Anyway, I think it's alright. Not every chapter of a story must be funny and there always must be some way of moving the plot. This could've been a lot worse : P But Anatema is right, I'm incredibly stupid but I also agree that it's good. Besides, it's a realistic representation of a guy with a rather curious life, and life is more interesting when you include the little things that fill in the gaps between major experiences ^__^ I was getting concerned you weren't going to update anytime soon [/COLOR] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bio Posted November 3, 2004 Share Posted November 3, 2004 [font=Trebuchet MS]Really? I didn't notice it was rushed or anything. I thought it was pretty funny, too. O_o And since when is short good, my [strike]slave writer[/strike] good friend with immense writing talent? *runs off to find a whip* [/font] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cambrian_Explosion Posted November 5, 2004 Share Posted November 5, 2004 OK, here's my two cents. I really like it. Why? It's funny, realistic, and the explanation of English grammar vs. Japanese grammar was pretty cool. I'm no linguist, but I could follow it. The last chapter was fine, I have no idea why you thought it sucked. I've read much worse (my own work, too. Nothing on the OB though, so don't bother looking). Oh, yeah, there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for why I haven't said anything up to this point; I haven't been reading it. The title looked wierd to me, but when I saw that the story had become three pages in length, I thought I'd read it anyway. From now on, I will read EVERY story with a wierd-sounding title. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iori Yagami Posted November 6, 2004 Share Posted November 6, 2004 Every story needs a serious chapter to balance out the funny. Not every chapter has to be funny, it's like a RPG not having at least one protagonist death scene. If it didn't have one, the result would be cr42yn355!!!!! (that's the bad kind of cr42yn355... not the kind I do... >_>) So overall, don't kill yourself if you think one chapter is bad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Godelsensei Posted November 7, 2004 Author Share Posted November 7, 2004 ?What?re all these things for, anyway?? He nodded towards a stack of month- and weekly manga releases, which were stacked not half a meter from what must have been several hundred CD-Rs, all labeled in thick permanent marker, some in Japanese, some in whatever else. Winnie was at her computer, had been when he came in, having been told the door was unlocked. She didn?t respond at first. ?Winnie-san?? ?Hm?? She did not take her eyes from the rapidly-filling-up-with-letters screen, did not blink or lick the lips of her slightly open mouth. He wondered if she had a nearby deadline to meet. ?All these books and things. Why do you have all these comics and CDs?? ?Guess.? She smiled a little this time, selecting a few paragraphs of text and hitting delete. Then, she furrowed her brow and hit control-Z, bringing the words back to life. She highlighted only ten or eleven words the second time around, now malcontent only with them, and continued to type. ?You said something about your friends, right? Or does Watanabe-sensei ask you to read things for him?? ?He usually shows me some of his plans before they?re published. I follow them once they?re put out, anyway. My friends will probably try and steal those from me if they ever come by to visit, anyway,? she said, allowing her aquamarine lips to form a smirk. Nobuhiro thought it was an odd shade of lipstick, but, then again, so was orange. He cocked his head to one side, acutely aware of a piece of plaster that had flaked off the inside of his cast, tickling the skin of his currently useless left wrist. It was driving him crazy, but there really wasn?t anything to be done about it. ?Your friends read Japanese comics, Winnie-san?? ?Mm. Hai. Yes, they do. So do you, Toue-san, no?? ?I draw them. It?s kind of different.? He bit his bottom lip, somehow embarrassed. ?Yeah, but you still read some other ones, right? Takashi-san told me you want to draw your own comics, but you keep getting rejected.? Her words formed a question and a half, but her vocal chords formed a pair of statements. Winnie?s voice was vague, as though she were somewhere else, only half aware of his presence. ?He told you that?? Nobuhiro winced involuntarily. He felt his back turning red. ?Well, I?m not very good at drawing.? ?Yes you are?or else they wouldn?t have hired you, right?? ?I just draw backgrounds, Winnie-san. They?re not that?important.? ?Yes they are. You can?t have a proper duel in a dojo hall without the dojo hall, you know.? She took her hands from the keyboard and let them rest in her lap, her eyes scanning the words she had produced. He wondered if she liked how they flowed into one another, if she even cared any more. She had said she did, but that didn?t really mean anything, as long as she was getting any amount of revenue from those words. ?I could never draw backgrounds. Buildings, trees, you name it. They?re too hard.? ?They?re not hard. It?s just that most people find them?boring.? He scratched the tip of his nose, though it was still his wrist that was bothering him. ?Do you think buildings and trees are boring, Toue-san?? She spun her computer chair about to face him, her eyes genuinely curious. He thought about this for a moment. ??No. I like drawing buildings and trees. Most people think they?re boring, but, really, they?re the opposite. You can convey so much information about a place by the style and number of its buildings, by how tall they are, by how they?re laid out. It?s amazing how few people realize how important they are. Trees, too. Different kinds of trees grow in different places, and things like that. But I really like drawing buildings, especially. ?If some one lives in an old house, as opposed to, say, a building like this?? he looked around the room ??you can tell they?re a different sort of person. Maybe an artist or?? ?Do you think an artist would live in an old house, Toue-san?? She looked almost sad as she asked it, the bags under her eyes emphasizing something he couldn?t quite place. Was she tired of living in Japan already? Was she just tired of living in general? Or just tired? ?An artist who does paintings and things just because they love it and because their work has meaning, not an artist like Watanabe-sensei. You know, some one who doesn?t really have much money, and has to buy an old house that?s falling apart?? ?When an artist begins to sell their art, do you think they just lose any sense of sincerity they once had?? She leaned back in her chair, to look at the ceiling. ?Um. I guess not. I mean, Watanabe-sensei?s work still has meaning it?s just?? ?Different?? ?Yeah. Different.? He shifted his weight from one foot to the other, feeling as though he had offended her somehow, though she wasn?t showing it. Or maybe not so much offended her as simply hurt her feelings, without making her angry. But this was Winnie-san, and he didn?t really think that was possible. ?Do you want something to drink, Toue-san?? Winnie stood up and stretched. ?Only if you?re having something.? ?That?s a yes, then.? She told him to sit down and not to stand around awkwardly, like some kind of intruder, or like he was afraid she?d catch him looking at her *** or something. ?Ah?? He looked out the window without turning his head, then inched over to the chesterfield, wondering if she would eventually catch him looking at her *** and if she?d be made angry by it. He couldn?t help but notice she sounded tired, rather than amused, however. The words escaped her mouth as though forced and her purple hair managed to appear less vivid than it usually did. Her nail polish was chipped and it occurred to him that she was only wearing one earring, a contrast from her usual four, accompanied by nose- and eyebrow-studs. ?Here.? She handed him a can of pop. He had been, out of habit, expecting tea, but didn?t think he let it show. Winnie plopped down next to him, releasing a sigh. ?Toue-san, your sister is getting divorced, isn?t she?? ?What?? He shot her a funny look. ?Why?? ?No reason. I could just tell. You can tell that kind of thing most of the time, I find.? ?Really?? She nodded and took a sip from her drink, then, amazingly, let her head rest on his shoulder. ?Yeah,? she said, ?Really.? [COLOR=Gray][FONT=Courier New] I like this chapter.[/FONT][/COLOR] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iori Yagami Posted November 7, 2004 Share Posted November 7, 2004 Heh... hundreds of CD-R I wish I had that many... It's true, backgrounds are important. Great use of descriptive words and I wish I could write like you one day... (BTW, do you have the full verision of Mountain A Go Go Two?) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cambrian_Explosion Posted November 16, 2004 Share Posted November 16, 2004 Interesting, a new side to Winnie's character comes out. Or maybe it's an expansion on her dislike of being labled an outsider? I know saying it is just repeating what a dozen people have said before, but I'll say it anyways. You're doing a good job of keeping the character's personalities separate. It might not be a humorous chapter, but it's a good idea to intersperse humorous with serious chapters. Give the audience a chance to catch their breaths. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissWem Posted November 16, 2004 Share Posted November 16, 2004 [color=darkred]ooh, I was itching to respond to this one couldn't wait til I got home so I decided I'll post even though I'm at school^^ It's excellent as usual but what really had me surprised is that in the beginning I had imagined Winnie to be a lot more conservatively hip not.. blue haired, blue lipsitcked and four piercings in places all around her head. Not that it's a problem, just a constant surprise that she's coloured herself much like most of the local population in Japan is. Or so I've heard from first hand accounts. Ah, never mind my rambling.. I'm just excited that you updated =D[/color] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarmaOfChaos Posted November 21, 2004 Share Posted November 21, 2004 [color=deeppink][size=1]Hey Godel, sorry I haven't responded to this in awhile. It's been crazy-hectic around my house, and I've just now had time to sit down, chill out, and play catch up on OB. Anyway - [i]loved[/i] the last chaper. Before, you revealed that the characters had weaknesses and strengths, and their own little quirks (some more than others), but you only saw very small glimpses of their pain. Especially with Winnie, she is mostly bright and happy, if eccentric, but here you see that she does indeed suffer from a great deal of inner turmoil and insecurities. Nubohiro is filling out too - you see has a humourous side too, and that when given the opportunity, can be quite funny. A quiet, humble observer, you also see that he's determined, because he wants to learn English, despite all the trouble it causes him. Don't worry about your other chapters - you have a mostly character-driven plot, so things tend to go slow, especially when you're trying to get the plot to the point where you want it, but other things must happen first, without killing the authenticity of the characters. I think this story has a very nice pace, not too fast, not too slow. I enjoy the chapters where, for example, Winnie meets Junko and they just have a conversation. You accomplished two things in that chapter - you showed Nubohiro's funny side, and gave Junko and Winnie a sense of realness. Two women related to one man in some way, just meeting each other and really hitting it off - that's something that happens all the time. Your story retains a sense of being very much anchored in reality and all it's imperfections and dull moments. And that's what makes it good. Only criticism - don't let there be TOO much of a lapse in turning points in the chapters. It's a careful balance, yo. Tee Hee. Can't wait for the next chappy. -Karma[/size][/color] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Godelsensei Posted November 21, 2004 Author Share Posted November 21, 2004 [COLOR=Gray][FONT=Courier New]That's right: an update. : O *every one recoils in shock and horror* I'm sorry it took so long, but first I had writer's block, and then my monitor broke, and oh, it was awful. Anyway, I give you the newest installment of How to Learn Engrish. Enjoy![/FONT][/COLOR] ?And she just fell asleep. And started snoring.? Nobuhiro poked at the contents of his plate with a pair of wooden chopsticks. The teriyaki looked up at him apologetically, as though it really wished it could have done something. ?Oh, come on, you know Junko would say that was totally cute.? His brother jammed a piece of tofu, along with noodles and vegetables, into his mouth. He swallowed a second and a half after, then immediately reached for his drink. Once he?d gotten it down in several large gulps and had wiped the back of his hand across his lips, he continued. ?So, who is she, anyway? Like, what does she do?? ?Didn?t I tell you?? ?No.? His brother raised his hands and glanced out the window. ?You?ve just been going on about some girl you?re currently obsessing over, without even mentioning her name or anything.? He looked back at Nobuhiro and smirked. ?You said she drinks though. Drinks a lot.? ?She can drink more than the two of us combined and walk home in an almost-straight line,? he boasted, in response, helping himself to more of his noodles. They tasted suddenly better than he remembered from his last bite, thirty seconds ago. He let the strong taste of the teriyaki rest on his tongue for a second or two before beginning to speak again. ?And she can play DDR better than any white kid I?ve ever seen.? ?DDR, huh?? Toru raised an eyebrow in what must have been amusement. ?She sounds?interesting. Speaks English, right?? ?Yeah. She?s teaching me for my trip next week.? ?I find it hilarious that you?re going all the way to America so you can attend an anime convention.? ?It?s not like I have a choice,? he pointed out, defensively. ?Besides, it?s different when you?re not there to buy anything.? ?Whatever you say.? His brother glanced at the clock on the far wall of the small restaurant. ?I have to go in a couple of minutes, niisan. That?s for lunch.? ?I never said I was paying.? ?It was implied when you suggested we eat something.? His brother gave him a smug look, and Toue Nobuhiro knew he had been outdone. ?Hey, where are you going, anyway?? His brother was neither employed, nor in school. Where he might have to go that he couldn?t risk being late for was a mystery. ?French class.? He pursed his lips and shifted his gaze, as though embarrassed. ?French class?? Nobuhiro burst out laughing, then finished off the last two or three bites of his lunch. ?Two questions: where are you getting the money, and what the hell?? Then, he thought for a moment and asked, also, ?And why not just get Junko to teach you?? Toru sighed and pulled on his jacket. ?Junko?s paying for me to go, because she says I should become more cultured?it?s not that expensive, anyway. I wanted to learn another language, because I, well?I can do that. Can?t do basic arithmetic, but I can learn a language. I always got good grades in English, remember?? ?Also in lunch, if I remember.? ?Hai. So, I thought I?d try and make myself useful. I can speak English well enough, so French is pretty easy. And Junko said she didn?t have time to teach me, but knew place where I could learn.? He scratched the end of his nose and looked around, as though worried as to whether any one was listening in on their conversation. He was obviously embarrassed, though his older brother could not clearly see why. ?And where?s that?? ?Elementary school an hour from here. Nobody else uses it on Saturdays or Wednesday nights, so it works out.? Suddenly, he stood up and grinned. ?And the teacher?s nuts. Crazy white chick. You?d like her.? He waved and walked out of the restaurant, leaving Nobuhiro alone with an empty plate. He stared at it for a few minutes before asking for his bill. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarmaOfChaos Posted November 21, 2004 Share Posted November 21, 2004 [color=deeppink][size=1]OOH OOH PLOT TWIST! Does Nubohiro now have a rival for Miss Winnie's affections? Is the term "French Class" being used to imply something else? What kind of underwear is Godel wearing? Ahem. Yea, nice cliffhanger/plot twist/omg now I'm all excited again chapter. I was kind of sinking into "oh this is a nice story to just sit and read, no plot twists" and getting rather lethargic, and this chapter was a nice wake up call. Keep writing love. (Sorry this isn't a more in-depth review...I'm feeling a little worn-out) -Karma[/size][/color] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bio Posted November 22, 2004 Share Posted November 22, 2004 [quote] The teriyaki looked up at him apologetically, as though it really wished it could have done something.[/quote] [font=Trebuchet MS]I loved this part. Maybe I just have a thing for personification, but who knows.[/font][font=Trebuchet MS][size=3][size=2] *throws on detective costume* [/size][/size][/font] [font=Trebuchet MS][size=3][size=2]As short as this chapter was, it was still very good work. Continue! [/size][/size][/font] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissWem Posted November 22, 2004 Share Posted November 22, 2004 [COLOR=DarkRed]Suddenly everyone is fascinated with what you're about to do with your characters. Crazy white chick? Hehehehe, cracks me up. I'm sure you're going to have a really really clever solution to all this. And yes, what kind of underwear [i]is[/i] Godel wearing? Hmm?[/COLOR] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Godelsensei Posted November 23, 2004 Author Share Posted November 23, 2004 The weather was finally getting to be in tune with the season, rendering Nobuhiro unpleasantly chilly as he stepped off the bus. The thought that he would have to walk the next three blocks to his townhouse did not please him immensely, so he decided to think about something else. Actually, his mind grabbed his wrist and dragged him off down a specific train-track of thought, as oppose to being directed; Nobuhiro just liked to pretend he could control what he didn?t like to think of as his perversions. His breath drifted visibly through the air, something that disheartened him as the cars sped by to his left. A gust of wind tried extremely hard to rid him of his jacket and failed. It was cold out, for the first time in months, and Nobuhiro wasn?t about to pretend to be enjoying it. This thought, naturally, brought his mind back to that of Winnie. She wouldn?t be cold walking outside in this weather. She was from Canada?it was always cold there, as far as he knew. She had told him otherwise that one time at the bar, but it was going to take more than the word of some one who?d lived there her entire life to sway his subconscious? view of the world and its various climates. ?Hey, Toue-san.? The girl who lived next door to him smiled as she walked past him, her tiny dog looking foolish in the orange sweater she?d stuffed it into. He briefly considered telling her that putting a dog in a sweater would only make it colder, not warmer, but decided against it. So, instead, he began to say hi, but she was already past him. He bit his lip and tried to dig his hands deeper into his poorly insolated pockets. Damn, it was cold. He wished he?d worn a hat. He wished he?d worn a proper coat. He wished he?d not just sat there and let her snore away, leaning on him, until finally, slowly, so as to not wake her up, edging off the sofa and out the front door, careful to be as silent as possible about closing it behind him. He also wished he hadn?t run into Watanabe as soon as he?d stepped out of the apartment. He?d only raised his eyebrows and smiled a greeting, then asked him how his wrist was feeling and if he really was up to going all that way, but Nobuhiro had been embarrassed and wished he?d stayed in that apartment. He was still, a day later, wishing he?d stayed inside that apartment. How would he say that in English? ?I want-o have?iie. Watashi wa?I want-o tuu have been still?in. Pu-race?? He looked to the sidewalk, and then the sky, for help, but both remained silent, as though mocking him. But I?m still the one stepping on you, he told the sidewalk. He could not think of anything to say to the sky, aside from that it was very pretty. Maybe going to America would be good for him. Maybe it would be warmer there. Maybe they wouldn?t mind all that much if he couldn?t speak English, after all. There was no way he was going to learn in time?what was the point of trying? It just made him look and sound stupid, made his tongue tangle itself among the strange syllables and obscure sounds. He tripped over the grammar, and could not slog through the simplest of sentences without his face and ears turning a horrific red colour that rivaled that of generic apples. It was an awful, evil, vile-sounding language that he had no business learning. You?re turning into Dad, he told himself, irritably. Another chill ran through him, but it wasn?t from the cold. [COLOR=Gray][FONT=Courier New] Now, to answer some previously asked questions... [b]Does Nubohiro now have a rival for Miss Winnie's affections?[/b] That's for me to know and you to muse over.^_~ [b]Is the term "French Class" being used to imply something else?[/b] Spanish Class, maybe?! Oh, the [i]scandal[/i]!! : O [b]What kind of underwear is Godel wearing?[/b] Underwear is for pansies. [b]Or maybe it's an expansion on her dislike of being labled an outsider?[/b] You can never tell with those Foreign Devils, now, can you? Thanks, every one, for still reading this utter crap. I love you all! (Except for you, and you, and, oh God, [i]you[/i]...)[/FONT][/COLOR] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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