Writing Justice League Unscrewed: Abandoned Origins [M-L]

[Manic Webb]

Before I start...
In risk of using this thread as an advertisement, this parody will soon be available in its full version at [url=http://dmoon.animationhq.net/]D.Moon[/url]. What you are about to read is 1/3 of the parody, in its first draft, with some omitted profanity.

Right. So, this is a parody of the premiere episode "Secret Origins" from the animated series [i]Justice League[/i]. My intention is to re-write each episode of the series, making them look as screwed-up as I can. As I said before, this is only 1/3 of the total episode. There are 2 good reasons why this first post will only feature a fraction.
1. The original premiere movie ("Secret Origins") was also 3 episodes long.
2. I'm not finished writing it yet.


[size=2][center][b]~~~[/b][/center]
[i]01: Abandoned Origins
Is this the end for the Superfriends? Yes. Yes it is.[/i]

(Hall of Justice, day)

[b]Narrator:[/b] Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice...
[b]Batman:[/b] According to the bat-computer, we're losing bat-ratings to reruns of Dragonball Z.
[b]Wonder Woman:[/b] Suffering Sappho!
[b]Robin:[/b] Holy Saiyan Invasion!
[b]Aquaman:[/b] We need to place more reruns on Cartoon Network and Boomerang... and fast!
[b]Superman:[/b] Quickly! To Atlanta, Georgia! (flies away)
[b]Hawkman:[/b] I'm right behind you! (flies away)
[b]Black Vulcan:[/b] Don't forget me! (flies away)
[b]Samurai:[/b] Me too! (flies away)
[b]Flash:[/b] I'll be there in a flash (runs away quickly)
[b]Aquaman:[/b] Um... yeah. Wonder Woman, can you give me a ride? I'd swim there, but the next bus to Metropolis Bay won't arrive for another half-hour.
[b]Wonder Woman:[/b] (sigh) Fine. I'll give you a ride, [i]again[/i].

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(Cartoon Network Studios, day)

[b]Ted Turner:[/b] I'd like to give you more timeslots, Superfriends, but the simple fact is your cartoons are older than most people who watch this network.
[b]Superman:[/b] But we're losing to Dragonball Z... and fast!
[b]Turner:[/b] I can't help you. I've got other networks to look after, you know. That reminds me; I have to talk to TNT and TBS about playing Shawshank Redemption a few more times per month.
[b]Zan & Jayna:[/b] What are we supposed to do, then?
[b]Ted Turner:[/b] What if we recreate you in a more modern and hard-hitting setting?
[b]Apache Chief:[/b] Me suppose that can't be so bad.
[b]Wonder Woman:[/b] Set us up... and fast!
[b]Bruce Timm:[/b] Leave everything to me!

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(Mars, 2 years ago. Astronauts discover vast alien caverns under its surface.)

[b]Major Carter:[/b] Amazing! Theoretically, this cavern can perserve the lives of hundreds, through a form of suspended animation by neutralizing nutrinos in a temporal flux.
[b]Colonel O'Neill:[/b] (confused) Right. Pretend I have no idea what you're talking about, and explain that again.
[b]Dr. Jackson:[/b] Uh... I think Carter means they're sleeping.
[b]Col. O'Neill:[/b] Oh.
[b]Teal'c:[/b] Indeed
[b]Dr. Jackson:[/b] (reading a scripture on the walls) Interesting. These are ancient texts used by the Martian natives. Most likely, it serves as some sort of warning.
[b]Col. O'Neill:[/b] Can you read it?
[b]Dr. Jackson:[/b] As a matter of fact, this text bares an uncanny resemblence to ancient Egyptian hyroglyphs.
[b]Col. O'Neill:[/b] So... can you read it?
[b]Dr. Jackson:[/b] ...Yeah. It says something about evil, unstoppable aliens who destroy every world they go to, and never to open this front door, lest ye unleash their wrath.
[b]Maj. Carter:[/b] They wrote a "do not open" warning [i]inside[/i] the cave?
[b]Teal'c:[/b] Indeed.
[b]O'Neill:[/b] Well, we're still alive. That's good, right?
(A blinding flash of light engulfs them)

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(Wayne Tech. Laboratories, night. Joker must be in jail this week, because Batman is stalking his own company.)

[b]Batman:[/b] (brooding) Interesting...
(Four scientists are playing hackysack inside the lab)
[b]Scientist 420:[/b] (giggling) After this, I'm so gonna go destroy this lab's satellite!
[b]Scientist 54:[/b] Then we should go to an exclusive night club and get drunk!
[b]Scientist 69:[/b] Yeah, then I can take advantage of Scientist 54!
[b]Scientist 187:[/b] ...and then I'll kill you all!
[b]Batman:[/b] (watching from outside and brooding) Those bastards! They're playing hackysack during work hours! Also, they're planning to destroy my property. Come Monday, I'm firing all of them. (looks around) Who am I talking to? (enters building)
[b]Scientist 187:[/b] (talking on the phone) Hello? Alien Commander? Yes. Kill them. Kill them all! Hold on, I got a call waiting. (switches calls) Hello? Kill them all! (switches back to first call) Where was I? Oh yes-- kill them! (gets kicked in the head by Batman)
[b]Batman:[/b] (brooding) I am the shadow that walks in the night. I am-- (Scientist 69 turns into a transparently white-skinned alien with tentacles for arms) --out of my fricking league. (runs into the shadows)
[b]Superman:[/b] (enters) This looks like a job for-- (gets slammed into the ground) --Ow, my catchphrase!
(The Scientists destroy the satellite)
[b]Batman:[/b] (brooding) Careful, Clark. They have strange alien powers.
[b]Superman:[/b] Don't worry. I'm an alien, too. Besides, no physical power can harm me. (is suddenly knocked out by a psychic attack).
[b]Batman:[/b] (brooding) Not good.

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(Metropolis, day. Senator Carter has arranged with the United Nations to destroy all [strike]nukeular[/strike] nuclear weaponry.)

[b]Carter:[/b] Without nuclear weapons, our world can finally be safe. And in the event of an alien invasion, we can always count on Superman to save us.
[b]Superman:[/b] Yes, I [i]am[/i] practically perfect, aren't I?
[b]Man in Crowd:[/b] Does it bother anyone else that Superman just tried to destroy the world last week? Doesn't the threat of alien invasion mean we need weapons of mass destruction more than ever? What if an armada of advanced aliens, similar to those who attacked Superman last night, invade at this very moment?
[b]Superman:[/b] What are the chances of that happening?
(Suddenly, an armada of advanced aliens, similar to those who attacked Superman last night, invade)
[b]Superman:[/b] I'll save the day! (gets smacked around like a wimp)
[b]Dude in Crowd:[/b] Whoa! Superman just got smacked around like a little biyotch!
(Batman flies in, with his Batwing jet)
[b]Batman:[/b] (brooding) Once again, a normal human being has to save Superman's tail. (begins to blast the alien ships and land-vehicles)
[b]Superman:[/b] (still lying on the ground like a little wimp) I'm being shown up by a rich boy in an almost phallic bat-shaped jet. My super-ego! (flies back into the battle) Prepare to face the wrath of-- (gets smacked down, once again, like a little biyotch)

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(Themyscira: an island of nothing but women who, despite having no men around, are perfectly groomed and made over.)

[b]Diana:[/b] Mom, I think the world's in danger.
[b]Queen Hippolyta:[/b] So?
[b]Diana:[/b] So... we're a race of warrior women. Shouldn't we be doing something about it?
[b]Hippolyta:[/b] But that's Man's World out there. We have no business among men.
[b]Diana:[/b] But wouldn't saving them from utter destruction only prove that women are just as--if not, more capable than they are?
[b]Hippolyta:[/b] But the alien ships are shaped like [i]spiders[/i], dear!
[b]Diana:[/b] But aren't we all about women providing for--?
[b]Hippolyta:[/b] [i]Spiders[/i], Diana!
[b]Diana:[/b] For the love of Athena! (walks off) I'm gonna go make make some egg salad. Do we have any relish left?
[b]Hippolyta:[/b] No, just whole pickles. We'd open the jars, but there aren't any men around.
[b]Diana:[/b] (sighs) If you need me, I'll be venturing into male-dominated territory-- saving what little dignity feminists have left.
[b]Hippolyta:[/b] Pick me up something phallic while you're out. It's been a long time.

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(Back in Metropolis)

[b]Superman:[/b] Screw this! (flies away)
[b]Batman:[/b] (brooding) Well well, look who's flying away from the battle like a little biyotch. (follows him)

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(Area 51, a few hours later. Batman arrives to see Superman talking to a naked green alien)

[b]Batman:[/b] (brooding) Superman... why are you talking to a naked green guy?
[b]Naked Alien:[/b] (telepathically) My name is J'onn J'onzz. I am the last Martian.
[b]Batman:[/b] Get the (gasp) out!
[b]J'onn:[/b] I'm serious. If my appearance frightens you, perhaps I can transform into a form closer to your own.
(Suddenly, a pair of dark blue underwear, a dark blue cape, and a pair of backward red suspenders appear on J'onn.)
[b]Superman:[/b] That's it? You try to imitate human appearance, so you strap on a big red "X" across your chest and an ugly pair of blue leather hotpants?
[b]J'onn:[/b] I wouldn't talk about fashion if I had a lop-sided golden "S" on my chest that barely matches the red and blue theme on the rest of my costume.
[b]Batman:[/b] Dude, he totally called you on it.
(A small troop of soldiers enter the room)
[b]Soldier 54:[/b] Step away from the alien.
[b]Soldier 420:[/b] Yeah, he's coming with us.
[b]Batman:[/b] (brooding) Wait a minute... aren't you those scientists I fired at the beginning of this episode for wasting manhours? I mean... Bruce Wayne fired you.
[b]Superman:[/b] Smooth, Batman.
[b]Soldier 187:[/b] Prepare to die, heroes!!


TO BE CONTINUED[/size]