Writing Memory's Rest [E]

[Cyriel]

This is a piece that I'm submitting to a contest, and I just needed some editing and comments on it before I submit it.
[CENTER][B]Memory Rests[/B][/CENTER]
[CENTER][COLOR=Indigo]~
The off-beat of a staccato heart
A death a stop a stillness every breath between life,
But a prolonged rest follows after
Screeching horns, flaring black lines and black smoke and black fire
The air is full and discordant, entrenched in
Humanity
The other side
Divinity
An ethereal scent with the intake of eternity,
But mortality is ejected, the lactic acid of life
Perfection that has denatured in our veins, cracked and dried on our lips
Two green lines running parallel to tempo
Time signature is: forever, or less than or equal to
One is presto, the other moderato - both with an absence
Of encore...encore resounding with the mixed order of chaos.
Disregard the shrieking emptiness of sound
Left behind by a colorful, silent storm.
Whispers of memory; they meld in the hollows of many hands,
Careful - don't crush it -
You already know what silence sounds like.
~[/COLOR][/CENTER]

[Inari]

[COLOR=DarkSlateBlue]I love it! It was very deep, and I had to read through it a couple of times to make sure I understood the thoughts that went into it. (As best I could.)

I like how you used your references to musical rhythm measurements along with the biological references. (Too much AP Bio? ;) ) These really added to your word choice. Also the references to color and sound were very powerful. These added to the chaotic sense and "staccato" beat.

This also has a philosophical feel to it. "Humanity / The other side / Divinity" This was powerful and it open's the reader's eyes to the mortality of human life. Death is a natural thing, and this poem truly captures the chaos of death. When I first read it, the poem was fast and slightly confusing until the end (and the lines mentioned above) which added a rational, thoughtful, reflective (?) touch to this poem. The last line truly pulls this work together.

It's very free flowing and doesn't have that forced sound. I loved your use of words ending in -nity or -ity. I'm not sure if it was planned or just happened, but it was very affective. It gave a sense of balance to the chaotic feel to the poem.

As far as changing it goes, I wouldn't change anything. This came from you and your own soul. By following others' suggestions, you will lose some of its uniqueness and personal flare. Good luck in the contest, and I hope its not a scam to make you pay them lots of money to publish it, but oh well! This poem is brilliant regardless of what other critics say. [/COLOR]

[Cyriel]

This is another poem that I wrote after running in the 3A Girls' Regional race for x-country. It just kind of flowed into my head, because I was just so greatful to my friend (in this poem) who got me into x-country this year. Just something to read and enjoy.
I originally titled it 'Girls of a Feather.' But now I think this is better. And it's a bit lengthy...

[COLOR=DimGray][CENTER][U]A Funny Thing[/U][/CENTER]

[CENTER][I]There's a girl who lives
in a charming blue house
2 steps away from me.
-Let's run- she said.
-You're crazy- I said.

That girl who lives
2 steps away from me
-Just once- she said.
-Just once can't be hard.-

[B]~[/B]
Love
is a funny thing - you never know
Where it will hide itself away
And wait, for you to brush away
the wisps of shadow,
So it can shine for you.
[B]~[/B]

-This is fun- I said,
-I can make salt on my skin!-
She laughed, and we ran
in a flock of birds, others.

[B]~[/B]
Flying
is a funny thing.
[B]~[/B]

-I can fly- I said.
She smiled, putting one foot in front of the other.
-Flying is a wonderful thing- she said.
So I ran, thinking I was flying
Until
my feet failed me
and I fell, but.
I was not the only one.

There's a girl who lives
2 steps away from me

Who fell with me.

She wrapped her arms around mine
And I remembered
the love in her heart,
the funny thing I didn't know
would be uncovered,
setting wings on my feet

She lifted me up with memories
And smiled
A laugh of joy hidden in that smile
And whispered,
-This is how you fly.-[/I][/CENTER] [/COLOR]