Manga My Own Manga Please Read It!

[Wolfsrain141]

THIS IS MY FIRST MANGA I EVER MADE PLEASE TELL MEHOW YOU LIKE IT BY POSTING ON THIS THREAD OR PM ME THANK YOU.

My manga starts off with a young teenage boy running through the woods getting chased by a pack of wolves. As he's being chased he see's a gigantic birll starting to fly and decides to try and jump on it. He misses and falls off a cliff.Next it shows an old man at the bottom of the cliff fighting a couple of bandits who were trying to rob him of his money. Just as the old man's about to win the boy who fell off earlier lands on him and the thief get's away with the money.
The old man immediately starts to yell at the boy but then notices he is all scratched up and has a bite mark on his stomach which is bleeding badly. Just then the boy passes out so the old man starts to nurse him back to health. A day later the boy wakes up in a tent with the old man standing over him nursing his wound. The man asks him whats his name and where he's from but the kid passes out before he says anything. 2 hours later the boy wakes up just to see the old man training with a magnficent sword. That night the boy asks him where he got the sword from and how he came to wield it so well. The old man says that it took him 2000 years to be able to wield it so well. The boy asks him how can you live so long? The man replies by saying it's due to the power of the sword. The sword in itsel is immortal. It was passed on to him from Asakura. The Asakura? The samurai that won Green Shire's independance? The boy asks. Yes thats it he's the one the old man say's. The sword was made from that of liquid gold gifted to the earth from the god's. Once every 1,000 years a tournament made by the one who wields the power of the god's is conducted fir the all who seek to have it next. It is immpartial I will give it to the one who wins no matter his intentions...even if he plan's to throw the world into darkness.
The boy asks if he's aloud to enter and the old man just laughs at him. Are you that eager to throw your life away lad? He ask's. The old man say's anyone who is 13 or up is aloud to enter. The boy say's that's great I'm 14. The old man look's at him blankly and asks him if he's really going to enter. The boy say's yup. If I wanna be a hero I have to start somewhere. The old man ask's him what he means by that. The boy say's It's always been my dream to be a hero like my dad. The old man then ask's about his parent's but the boy doesn't answer at first he just stares at the camp fire. He finally answers by saying his mother died giving birth to him... and his father died saving a school from being drowned in a flooding. The old man then say's well then we better start your training. The boy just looks at him blankly then say's I thought the tournament was impartial? The old man say's yes it is but the tournament doesn't start for another year so we have plenty of time. By the way whats your name old man? The boy asks. It's Takahashi. But foy you it's Master Takahashi. What's your name kid? it's Kimiharu. Kimiharu huh...that's an od name but then again so is Takahashi. Ok then Kimiharu prepare yourself this is going to be horrible.
(when I look back at my time with Master Takahashi I now realize those were the best day of my life.)

End of Chapter One

[Kei]

[color=darkblue]You probably did a straight from Word to here conversion, which is why your paragraphs didn't get separated, but try to make sure they are in the future. Also, try not to type in all capital letters, as it's very rude.[/color]

[Wolfsrain141]

Chapter 2, The White Wolf:

Chapter 2 starts off one week after chapter 1 ended. The beggining shows Kimiharu and his sensei, Master Takahashi dueling with wooden swords. Kimiharu just swings blindly at Takahashi well Takahashi easily avoids the strikes. Angry with himself for not being able to land even a single blow on his master Kimiharu lashes out towards Takahashi but before he even get's near him the side of his stomach starts to hurt. Kimiharu's pain continues to grow until it becomes almost unbearable. Everything starts to fade away and Kimiharu is left in a world of darkness. Throughout the never ending darkness he seef a faint light. As he strains his eye's he then realizes that the light is coming from a white wolf. Without realizing it he begins to crawl towards it. Wondering what to do once he get's to the wolf or if he should even do anything at all. He notices that as he get's closer to the wolf the pain in his side begins to go away. He finally get's face to face with the white wolf and thinks to himself that it is the most beautiful thing he ever saw. when he looks into the wolf's eye's he realizes that it was the same wolf that was chasing him in chapter 1 and that the pain in his side was being caused by the wound he received from the wolf. He thinks to himself "what the hell's going on here?" He hear's a voice in his head and it says "We are one. You and I. I will be loyal to you and... you to me. As long as we remain true I will be there to protect you.... I promise"..."What is it you ask of me stranger" Kimiharu replies. "Only that you fight for existence... and no other... What say you?" answers the wolf. " I agree" say's Kimiharu. "Then fear none" "Your enemies will never be a surprise. When your eye's are open you see through them when they are closed I will see through them and into your world. Never sleep in fear again child." The wolf turns to snow and enters Kimiharu's wound. Things start to reappear around Kimiharu. He finds himself in a bed with Master Takahashi nursing his wound... Day's pass and things go back to normal and Kimiharu start's thinking that what happened was all just a crazy dream until one day bandits come and try and take over Master Takahashi's camp. All seven of them start to gang up on Kimiharu. All of a sudden when he fears the worst he hear's the wolf's voice inside his head again. Kimiharu screams " I thought you said you would protect me" "...And protect you I will" replies the wolf. "Pick up the sword" Just then Kimiharu rushes inside the tent and comes out with his wooden sword. The bandits just laugh. "Now what?" Kimiharu ask's. "wait for them to attack and at the first sensation of pain from their blow think of one thing... survival then shing your sword." Okay. The bandits rush towards him and punches Kimiharu straight in the side. As instructed Kimiharu swings his sword at them and out of it emerges a glowing wolf in the form of snow. The snow starts to circle around the bandits and then they turn to ice. After every bandit was frozen the snow re enters Kimiharu. Kimihar just stands there terrified... and then begins to cry.

end of chapter 2.

[Kei]

[color=darkblue]Look, sug. If you're going to post stories, you need to put a bit more effort in it. Try using line breaks, as one big block of text is a little difficult on the eyes.[/color]

[Dielover]

Yes that is true. I can't tell where i am when i read it. It is, however a good story plot. Also you should start a new paragraph when someone speaks. It is what you are supposed to do when writing a story.

[Guest animegirl29]

ya i does kinda hurt the eyes and its hard to tell where the story is taking place. Its also confusing because there is no spacing between what it seems there should be. But Its good no lying there. :naughty:

[Solo Tremaine]

[quote name='Yenua']Its ok i guess[/quote][COLOR=#503F86]Please don't post like this again. This is spam: it's far too short and if you are going to give constructive criticism please be helpful to the person you're criticising. "It's okay" doesn't give a huge amount of scope for how to improve. Please look over the [URL=http://www.otakuboards.com/rules.php?]Rules[/URL] before posting again.[/COLOR]

[phxshadowwolf]

i agree with the previous posts...it did get to be a little straining on the eyes, because i had to focus on not losing my place...

the first chapter went a little slowly, but i think that's more because you were describing where it was, and what was going on. you could probably mention something else about the wound in his abdomen, something that might forshadow his meeting...

the second chapter definitely grabbed my attention more readily than the first. however, i thought that his power was a bit anticlimactic, in regards to this huge meeting with a supernatural being, and then all the bandits just being frozen. since he's only been training for a small amount of time (and i presume he's had other times where he hurt, before his meeting with the wolf, but i didn't see that in the storyline) try giving him a bit more difficulty with his powers and the bandits.

otherwise, it does seem interesting...keep up the good work.

[LPpunkrocka]

True, it was hard to read without the line breaks, but I think it sounds pretty friggin cool. As phxshadowwolf said, keep up the good work.

[Wolfsrain141]

Chapter 3 begins with Kimiharu lying in bed talking to the wolf who resides in his conciousness.
"Who are you?" he asks the wolf.
"I am the one who will win the the tournament of the god's and receive their power."
"What? How do you plan do do that?"
"Through you of course how else."
"Why me?"
"All of humanity suffers, they are drowned in sorrow every day but you see with the power of the god's I can put an end to all of that. I can even reunite you with your parent's."
"How would you release people of their suffering?"
"Before the time that the god's arose and gave the gift (life) to the people we were all souls. we knew nothing, we felt nothing. You know the old saying ignorance is bliss. I plan to take away the gift of life the god's gave us and return us to what we once were, but to do so I need a person who willingly volunteers to do my bidding in the tournament."
After hearing all that the wolf spirit had to say Kimiharu began to grow afraid. There was no way that he would let this thing kill the world.
"your crazy! There's no way in hell I'll do this for you now leave me at once."
"Fool you are sure of this? I will not spare you in the tournament then. I will truly show you what suffering is, I will show you true terror!"
Kimiharu began to hear the wolf saying 3 things over and over again in his head.
"death,terror, suffer,death, terror, suffer.
Then the wold came out in a blurry of snow out of his side and blew away in the wind.
Kimiharu decided right then and their that he would have to win the tournament or else he would surely lose all he had left, Takahashi.