Discuss FoRBodiNg tWilIGht [PG]

[Nothing]

hi! I'm new, and I wanted to start a new Rpg, but I thought I might want to get some feedback on it before putting it up. I don't know exactly how this all works, but i have a general idea. This is the prologue to a story I wrote a bit ago, so I guess it can work as the start of an Rpg? I don't know! That's why I'm asking you!(rambling again...) Please, give me some idea of how this is!

[U][[B]CENTER]FoRBodiNg tWilIGht[/CENTER][/B][/U]

3012. One thousand years after the world ended, or more precisely, ?changed.? A huge shining comet hurtling through space was pulled in by Earth?s gravity, and almost destroyed the Earth. If it hadn?t hit in the middle of the ocean, we?d be dead. Sadly, or luck didn?t last long.

The blast was enough to actually move the Earth. It changed our orbit, and pushed us closer to the sun. The sun melted the polar ice caps, drowning out all the land we once called home. Man was forced to either build on the water, or take to the skies.

The project was called Haven. It seemed simple enough. With our new orbit, Earth also had a much lower, much less intense atmosphere. We soon discovered that objects above the atmosphere were almost completely unaffected by gravity. The catch was that objects above the atmosphere were almost completely untouched by oxygen. An ordinary man could survive for one hour only an inch above the atmosphere. The higher up you went, the less air you got.

The idea of Haven, was to float a platform on the atmosphere, much like a skateboard, and hang from it a city. You heard me, a whole city, hung from a platform. The platform was twice the size of the city, so it could support it, but that also meant Haven was under constant darkness. The government assured the world that if Haven were ever somehow detached, a booster system would take over and float the city onto the water. That was a lie. If Haven were ever detached, it would fall, possibly float, but more possibly sink.

As in every city, crime soon developed. There were thieves, abductors, murderers, constant threats to ?cut? one of the many huge cables that suspended the city, but none were as dangerous as the mob. The mob was an organized crime family with state-of-the-art weaponry, and an entire underground army. A new ?hydrafuel? was invented as a substitute to electricity. What made hydrafuel so special, was that hydrafuel was reusable. Cars never had to refuel unless their Hydracore was destroyed or stolen. Sounds like miracle fuel? Not exactly. Hydracores are very fragile, and very unstable. To crack a hydracore would create an atomic blast, based on the size of the hydracore.

Does anybody really care? No. It can?t really be used as a weapon, since it?s so fragile. Taken out of its protective shell, a hydracore can crack and explode at any second. Someday, they?ll find a way to use it as a grenade, and then a new war will break out, but that?s not this day. Anyway, I only brought this up, because hydrafuel made it possible to build life-like androids, and that?s exactly where the mob got its numbers from.

Today, Haven is a guise for a constant underground war between law enforcement and the Mob. ?Gliders? have made it possible to battle in the air around Haven, and special suits still under development have made it possible to battle above the atmosphere. Whether you fight, or whether you hide, you?re always under Foreboding Twilight.

SOMEBODY HELP THE NEWBIE!!!

[Sara]

[size=1]It sounds fine. My only real advice would be to avoid sTickY CaPs, heh.

When you start off an RPG, you want to get as many people interested as possible. WriTiNg LikE thIS will make a lot of people (who might have actually been interested in participating) skip the thread entirely. And when you make your sign-up thread, I would include in the title that it's rather science fiction based... "Foreboding Twilight" doesn't convey a lot of what your story is actually about, and your thread title is the first thing (and unless it works, the ONLY thing) you have to picque potential players' interest.[/size]

[Annie]

[color=darkred][size=1]I like the idea of shrouding this futuristic city in constant darkness. I don't think I have seen this idea here on the boards. Interesting.

And just like Lore explained, stay away from the off-balance caps in writing an RPG. It just doesn't make a serious story seem all that serious. It kind of makes it look as if it were chibi-like and childish, and will more than likely ruin your hopes of casting a mature and successful RPG. (knows from experience)

But all around, I like the idea.[/color][/size]

[Nothing]

Cool, thanks for the feedback! I'll definately stay away from sticky caps in the future. As for the title, what do you think I should call it, if not foreboding twilight? Shadows in the Sky, or something more futuristic, like Exrotallion or something?

[Annie]

[color=indigo][size=1]Might I suggest something that would have to do with the main topic of the RPG..How about [i]Project: Haven[/i], or something to that extent. Now, you can ask anyone who has discussed RPG's with me, I'm horrible at coming up with titles for my stories. I'll have everything written and organized, but it takes me forever to think of a title ^_^;

If I can help you out any further, please let me know.[/color][/size]

[Nothing]

Thanks for the replies; I'll definitaly stay away from sticky caps in the future. As for the title, I think Project Haven is the best one we got so far. Any more suggestions?

[Sara]

[size=1]I guess I was a little ambiguous. It's perfectly fine to call it Forboding Twilight...but when you start the sign up thread, I would suggest titling the [i]thread[/i] something like

Forboding Twilight (Science Fiction)

...and don't forget to include the rating, heh.

That way, people interested in Science Fiction (who might skip over a more fantasy-sounding thread) are more likely to notice it and take part. Once people have signed up, there's no need to include the genre tag in the actual RPG thread. Unless you want to, I suppose. Anyway, it's just a suggestion, heh.[/size]

[Nothing]

ooh, my head hurts...let's see, a title that has something to do with the plot, yet doesn't need to be too specific, and should have the type next to it... let's get back to the title later. what about the plot? Any akward sentences? places to juice it up? The floor is open!