Writing "Bring Me Down (Twist It)" - E

[Bullet Theory]

Here's a song I wrote in Language Arts today:

"Bring Me Down (Twist It)"

V1-
I see you sitting all alone
Acting like its okay that you're not home
And this life that you have shown
I'm gonna twist it 'til its my own

Bridge-
Sometimes I'm the one to blame
I feel like this will never change
Sometimes I cannot complain
My life is laughing at me

Chorus-
Now all you do is bring me down
Bury my dreams under the ground
This is the last thing I ask of you
Let me go

V2-
I've used up all of my choices(My feelings drain the life from me)
I'm screaming the lungs out of my chest (This just wasnt meant to be)
Trying to Escape the voices (Why can't you see?)
I'll twist it until its all my own

-Chorus- x2

Im gonna twist it...-x4
And make it my own!

-Chorus-

You bring me down -x4

Constructive Criticism Please!

[KarmaOfChaos]

[color=deeppink][size=1]The song had a nice rhythm to it, reminiscent of Linkin Park. However, the problem with posting songs on online forums is that there is no way to hear the melody to them, and melodies are very important. They can add thousands of new dimesions, moods, tones, and meanings to a song. Without a melody, the lyrics seem rather cliche.

Your POV (point of view) is also confusing. Are you blaming yourself or the other person for the problems that obviously exist? It seems almost as if you are bitter towards the [i]memory[/i] of someone, which you cannot let go of, and it tears at your sanity, because you want to release yourself but in the same breath don't.

The last stanza was interesting though, and well-suited for a song. The parenthesis show the reader that this is background voice, but also very important. I like this effect.

This would be a decent song if given an appropriate melody.

-Karma[/color][/size]

[Bullet Theory]

You are a great analyzer, my friend.

[QUOTE=KarmaOfChaos]
[color=deeppink][size=1]It seems almost as if you are bitter towards the [i]memory[/i] of someone, which you cannot let go of, and it tears at your sanity, because you want to release yourself but in the same breath don't.[/quote] [/size][/color]Recently, I went through a tough break up with a girl that I had dated for 8 months. I was very much in love with her and when we broke up, it tore me apart.

Also, I agree with the level of difficulty in showing lyrics on an online forum, due to the lack of melody. My bandmates and I are currently working on the musical aspect of this song and I'll try to get it on the boards later.

And thank you for the compliments.

[Excel]

[COLOR=Green][FONT=Verdana]I like the deepness in the song, it has so much feeling in it its awesome as our previous poster said its hard to read songs on the net beacuse you cant see a melody on it. Can you put the song up when you and your ban memmbers do it? If you do it that is, I would very much like to listen to the tune of the song. I do have to say that the song brings more meaning to me in text that listening to it cause i can understand it and I can think through it.[/FONT][/COLOR]

[Retribution]

Yeah, I liked the song too. But I will agree that it does need a melody, but I'll cut you slack because it's online. It might need another verse to complete the song's meaning, and make it last more than two minutes.