Advice please (mature responses only please)

[ChibiHorsewoman]

[color=darkviolet]Hey look, an advice thread that doesn't have anything to do with romantic relationships! Ok, funny stuff over.


This past Friday I received a call from Visa ,which is the company that I have my debit card with. It turns out that there were some questionable charges made on the card and they wanted to ask me about it. The charges were all made in my area as well and the majority of them were at gas stations.

Well, I went to my bank and talked to them about it, they canceled both mine and my husband's debit cards, which pretty much screwed Lincoln since he's in Iraq, but anyways...new cards were issued to us.

Then I came home and started IMing Lincoln in the middle of it, my brother came up and confessed that he had taken my card (he had seen me use my pin # a few weeks back when I bought him a birthday present.) and used it on quite a few occasions. But he said he'd pay me back with is next pay check.

I told Lincoln that he had confessed and Lincoln wants to press charges. I really don't want to because he's my brother and it was only $300. I don't think that sending someone to jail over $300 is exactly right. However, he's stolen smaller amounts before.

So my question is do you think I should go along with Lincoln to press charges if it means saving my marriage or what? I'm pretty much confused even tho Lincoln's pretty much set in his disicion (Sp?). Yes there will be a poll too. any advice would be appreciated. Thank you[/color]

[Boba Fett]

[quote name='ChibiHorsewoman][color=darkviolet']So my question is do you think I should go along with Lincoln to press charges if it means saving my marriage or what? I'm pretty much confused even tho Lincoln's pretty much set in his disicion (Sp?). Yes there will be a poll too. any advice would be appreciated. Thank you[/color][/quote]


[color=green]Absolutely.

While it may be heartbreaking to press charges against your brother, you need to take action now and correct this problem. Your brother obviously has some issues going on and the situation, regardless of what your brother says, will probably get worse. [/color]

[Baron Samedi]

[size=1]This sounds like a semi-regular occurrence, and action does need to be taken.

Tell your brother what Lincoln says, and how you feel. And tell him that if you ever catch wind that he might have done something like this again, you will ring the authorities, and tell them all of what happened. That way you strike the fear of Lincoln, you, and the authorities in him, and hopefully pressure him out of doing it again.

On a side note, how old is your brother?[/size]

[ChibiHorsewoman]

[QUOTE=Baron Samedi][size=1]
On a side note, how old is your brother?[/size][/QUOTE]

[color=darkviolet]He's 20 years old, which means that he's obviously old enought to know better, but too young for my parent's to completly wash their hands of him unless he moves out. Then he could be considered an emancipated minor.[/color]

[Doc]

[font=Century Gothic][color=gray]Even though I don't know your brother... (I mean what he is like)... I feel, since he has stolen from you before, that you should press full charges. It will teach him that theft is wrong, and probably help him get out in the world. (And probably move out of your parents house)[/color][/font][font=Century Gothic][size=2][color=gray][/color][/size][/font]
[font=Century Gothic][size=2][color=gray]I would feel some empathy for him, except you said he had done it before, if it were his first time, with such a small amount, that he said he would pay back there would be no need to press charges, but he has done it before thus making it a reoccuring habit that should be taken care of. [/color][/size][/font]
[font=Century Gothic][size=2][color=gray][/color][/size][/font]
[font=Century Gothic][size=2][color=gray][/color][/size][/font]

[Soliel]

[COLOR=GREEN]Hum...

I can see why you'd be confused about something like this. If my brother did something like that, I would feel ify about pressing charges too. I guess my opinion really depends on your brother. If he's done stuff like this before (and it sounds like he has), and doesn't seem like he'll learn his lesson unless something drastic is taken, I would take your husband's advice and press charges. But if you don't want to go to that extreme, I suggest solving the matter among your family. For example, have your brother pay back the money plus intrests and/or have him do work around your home without pay.

I guess the reason I'm unsure to just jump to saying you should press charges is that he's family, and besides the whole "loving your family" deal, family disputes bring to mind episodes of Jerry Springer and some of those TV court shows; not a pretty picture :bash: [/COLOR]

[Xander Harris]

Wow, that is a tough situation. You have my sympathies. :(

As hard as it may be, I think you have an obligation to society to press charges, especially if he is making a habit out of doing things like that.

Identity theft is a huge issue in our nation right now. People are having their lives destroyed. For the good of society, stuff like this needs to be acted against hard.

I actually think that the loving thing to do for your brother is to see to it that he faces the consequences of his actions. If you let it go, eventually he may do it to someone else and take a lot more than $300. He would than be in far worse trouble than he will be if he is prosecuted at this point. Tough love may be all that stands between him and a life in prison. Stop him at the top of the waterfall, before he crashes to his doom.

Hope that helps.

[Solo Tremaine]

[COLOR=#503F86]I really don't believe in compensation culture, especially not against someone as close as your brother. Yes, its a problem wih the law and legality, but I don't believe the courts would be the right way to settle it. If he's family I think you should know him well enough to be able to sort things out on a personal level and try and find out what the problem is so it can be dealt with. If nothing else, don't let him near anything else of yours again, even if he does offer to pay you back.

But you know both him and the situation better- do what you think is suitable. Even taking him to court may not guarantee that he won't do it again, but either way he should understand what he's done.[/COLOR]

[MissWem]

[COLOR=DarkRed]If you're really so unwilling, and since he is family and it is an ongoing problem. You could do a temporary compromise.

People who steal tend to have issues, maybe his isn't a financial one. I don't really know, but it could just be a personality disorder and could be helped with some counselling and with a clearly stated consequence, which is if he doesn't change he will have charges pressed against him. Has he been charged with theft before? If he has, then more charges wouldn't work obviously.. it's like constantly getting detention on a larger scale. Just as long as he realizes he has lost the trust of you and others..

Ultimately it's really just a matter of what you feel is best in this situation considering how well you know him and how it would affect him.[/COLOR]

[kenshinsbabe]

I've read alot of these posts. Most of them say that you SHOULD press charges. I'd say you're in quite a jam, but I wouldn't press any charges. I mean, HE'S YOUR BROTHER!! COME OOOOON!! Give the guy a break.

Even though this does seem pretty bad, I'm sure there's another way to let him know that this made you mad. And you're right, he should have known better, but still, he's your brother. If my sister did this to me, I would want to kick her a** SOOOOO BAD, but I'd just be mad at her for a while and then, once she paid me back, I'd get over it.

I also agree with Baron Samedi. You can warn him that if he does it again, you'll call the cops on him [I]THEN[/I]. If you haven't done anything about it yet, PLEASE CONSIDER THIS!!

[Retribution]

[quote name='ChibiHorsewoman][color=darkviolet'] ...used it on quite a few occasions. But he said he'd pay me back with his next pay check...[/color][/quote]

Number one, the first warning light blinked on when he [b]used it before... on [i]quite a few[/i] occasions[/b]. Tell you something? Yes. It means he'll probably do it more later... and do you want to take the chance that the amounts will be really significant?

And the second light went off when he said he'd "pay you back with his next pay check." I've watched the corny law shows like Judge Judy before, but it actually pays off now. This translates into: Caution - arguments ahead. Will you trust that he will pay you back, and not do it 'later?' Will you trust him when he's stolen from you before? I think not.

If it were some stranger, you wouldn't even be posting this. You'd be in court so fast... but it's your brother, so you hesitate. Don't. It may be harder, but you have to. Your husband's got the right idea. He doesn't know your brother as well as you do, therefore he could make a less biased decision, and from what it sounds like, very quickly.

[KarmaOfChaos]

[color=deeppink][size=1]He may be your brother, but he's done something wrong, and if you don't show him that there are negative consequences, he's going to think he can get away with again and again.

If he really needed the money, he could have asked you for it. Going behind his sister's back and taking your PIN NUMBER is not okay. If he obviously has such little respect for you and your property, then in my opinion, he doesn't deserve any sympathy or pity.

If my brother ever did something like this, not only would I press charges, but there would be blood spilled. Lots of blood.

And I'm not just whistleing Dixie. ;)

-Karma[/size][/color]

[Godelsensei]

[COLOR=Gray][FONT=Courier New]I would most definately go with pressing charges, regardless of whether it is simply to save your marriage.

Your brother stole your pin number. That is an extremely serious offense, and he can't get off thinking it's okay. I know I sound like some one's mom, but you're older than he is, and you ought to set an example, especially since every one knows that males between the ages of 18 and 24 are irrational. (It's statistically proven.)

If he gets off with doing something like that now, he'll just do it again, since that seems to be what has happened in the past.

If it was the first time, you could have let him off saying you'd call the police if you ever heard of anything like this happening again.

But it's not the first time.

If your daughter stole a chocolate bar, you'd make her admit it to the shop owner, right?
[/FONT][/COLOR]

[Zeta]

First I think you should define the small amounts he has taken before. Small as in 25 dollars? 100? If it is chum change, what is the big deal? I am sure everyone here has taken a good chunk of money from their parents, either their parents giving it to them for something specific and not getting that, or taking it themselves. Now if it was like 100 or something, I can see where it starts to get a big deal if he has done this before.

But really, he said he would pay you back with his next paycheck. Wait until he gets his next paycheck and see if he does in fact pay you back. If he doesn't all the power to ya to press charges. Just make sure that he never gets your pin number again. Now if his past amounts have been big as well, then I would press charges. But like I said, if it was very small amounts the other times, no big deal in my mind.

Well, that is what I would do anyways. *shrug*


Besides, where is the fun in buying a family member a birthday present with them there? :p

[ChibiHorsewoman]

[color=darkviolet]Real quick clarification.

The only reason I really don't want to press charges is because if I do I'm afraid that my parents will end up with all the legal fees. In the state of New York if your child commits a crime and lives at home you as a parent are liable for the court costs. Stupid huh? My parents go to see their lawyer on the 16th to see if there's anything they can do to avoid having to pay court costs and for a lawyer for my brother.

As for money, he's stolen varying ammounts from just a few bucks to $60. withdrawn from my checking account. He's also taken my car a few times just because his doesn't have enough gas in it and every time this has happened my mom's compensated me and not made him pay me back any of the money which really pisses me off.

Lincoln says I should try to remove emotions from the situation and think rationally about the whole situation as I would if stranger had seen my pin # and stolen my debit card. Needless to say Lincoln's childhood of having to sleep on the floor because his mom couldn't be bothered to find him a bed, being locked in his room , going without food, and having to drink water from a toilet because his mom and step dad decided to turn off the water so he couldn't get a drink in the middle of the night leave my husband with no sympathy for my brother who had a pretty good childhood compared to my husband's.

And in reply to Godel's question, yes, when my daughter reaches the age of knowing right from wrong (I'd say about 4) and she steals something from a store while we're grocery shopping or does it later of course I'm going to make her take it back.[/color]

[Boba Fett]

[QUOTE=ChibiHorsewoman][color=darkviolet]Real quick clarification.

The only reason I really don't want to press charges is because if I do I'm afraid that my parents will end up with all the legal fees. In the state of New York if your child commits a crime and lives at home you as a parent are liable for the court costs. Stupid huh? My parents go to see their lawyer on the 16th to see if there's anything they can do to avoid having to pay court costs and for a lawyer for my brother.
[/color][/QUOTE]

[color=green]Even if he's a legal adult? That's rather odd.

Your parents, I'm sure, should be able to dodge that. Let him get a public defender if money's the issue. If he can't make bail, if that's even required, tough. Maybe you need to talk to your parents about this as well. They're doing more harm than good by covering for him like that.

A rude awakening regarding the consequences to his actions seems to be what your brother needs.[/color]

[ChibiHorsewoman]

[QUOTE=Boba Fett][color=green]Even if he's a legal adult? That's rather odd.

Your parents, I'm sure, should be able to dodge that. Let him get a public defender if money's the issue. If he can't make bail, if that's even required, tough. Maybe you need to talk to your parents about this as well. They're doing more harm than good by covering for him like that.[/color][/QUOTE]

[color=darkviolet]Unless he's 21 or moved out of the house-in that case my parents can declare him an emancipated minor-they are legally responsible for his court costs.

As for the public defender thing. They'd have to pay for that too. My mom knows this because one of her friend's sons got into some trouble and they refused to pay for a lawyer for the guy. They still had to pay for the public defender because of their income, same with my parents.

You want to know the real kicker? He's already on probation but his probation officer never calls to check up on him. My mom's afraid that if I press charges instead of going to jail for fraude he'll be put on house arrest. That would just be so much fun, don't ya think?[/color]

[Gavin]

[SIZE=1]Personally I think you should see if you can get around the fact that he's still a minor, or at least see if you can get around the fact that your parents would have to pay for the little [[I]expletive removed[/I]]'s lawyer. If you can make it so he'd have to pay for his own defence then I'd take him to court no qualms about it, he's stolen from you and this doesn't appear to be the first time. The only way he will learn right from wrong is to be given some jail-time, probation in this case doesn't seem to have worked as he has gone on to steal from you. It's not his POs fault that he's done this, just because he hasn't checked up on him, he's 20 years old for God's sake when is he going to take some responsibility for himself.[/SIZE]

[Soliel]

[COLOR=GREEN]Well, now I understand :sweat: Now that I think about it, this is exactly what I've been warning my mother about concerning my brother. Though he hasn't stolen anything of this grandre, he has committed several illegal acts (and he's only 16). He tends to think he can get away with anything and can walk all over my poor mother. I keep warning her if she doesn't inflick some stick disipline on him, he'll end up getting into major trouble one day, much like your brother has. I don't know why parents are more laxed with their younger children then their older ones.

Anyways, I think if this behavior isn't nipped in the bud, then I guess the only thing left to do is to use "tough love." You have to figure out some way to get him and not your parents to pay back (and then some) the money he stold from you.[/COLOR]

[Morpheus]

[quote name='ChibiHorsewoman][color=darkviolet']Unless he's 21 or moved out of the house-in that case my parents can declare him an emancipated minor-they are legally responsible for his court costs.[/color][/quote]

There's your answer. They can, but they obviously don't want to. If they can't do that, then maybe they should kick his *** out of the house.

[Heaven's Cloud]

[color=indigo]I think that most of what has been written in this thread sounds good if you are not involved in the situation. But I also think that most of the advice in here is probably bad advice.

From what you have written I think that your brother probably has some serious issues that he needs to get worked out. Unfortunately you won?t be helping to resolve those issues by pressing charges, here is why.

First, your brother committed misdemeanor theft; however, because he took your credit card he also committed felony fraud. Now the consequences of his crime added on top of his probation will probably land fifteen to thirty days of jail time (which is a lot for three hundred dollars, if you really think about it) but that isn?t the real kicker. The real kicker is that his legal fees and court (even if he hires a public defender) will easily top two thousand dollars. Obviously your brother doesn?t have that kind of money, or he wouldn?t have robbed you.

Most likely this money would have to come from your folks or a loved one. I am sure that your brother would promise to pay the money back; however, felony fraud isn?t going to help him land too many jobs (he?ll have lost his current job after serving jail time) that are willing to pay more than a minimum salary. More than likely by pressing charges on your brother you will just end up contributing to a deeper underlying problem. Also, his punishments would not really fit the crime.

I am not saying that your brother should go unpunished. First, I would make him pay you back the entire three hundred dollars. Don?t take it back all at once if he cannot afford it, however, penalize him and add a small bit extra to the amount.

Second, and most importantly, sit him down with your parents and talk to him. While he did do a very terrible thing by not only committing theft but also betraying a family member, he also did come clean about it (which is somewhat admirable considering he probably wouldn?t have been caught). My guess is that something is going on, whether it is addiction or a gambling debt or some form of depression. Then help him get the help he really needs.

I know that your husband is mad at him and you are furious with him as well, and I think you have the right to be. He ruined the relationship you and your family used to have with him. You need to tell him that it is going to be a long time before he can salvage your trust and respect for him.

You need to decide whether or not your brother is a good person that has done some astronomically moronic things or just a real ****head with little redeeming qualities. This whole post is based on the fact that he is the former and not the latter. Everyone needs second and third and fourth chances, besides, you have a year to change your mind and decide whether or not you wish to press charges. [/color]

[lcrisler]

I've gone over everything involved in my decision over and over again, and it boils down to the fact that this fool needs to get kicked out to the curb where he's not screwing his family anymore.
I've been with Megan for more than four years now, and this douchebag has been in trouble the whole time. Drugs, criminal acts, ripping off the money I work for and taking the car I'm paying for.
His parents have always covered his butt, too...they have two cars (for him) and legal fees from his last incident on their home equity loan. Everytime he screws up there's a whole lot of fighting, because they can't agree...they're being emotional instead of logical and the time for compassion has passed.
Oh yeah, and his parents found evidence that he's been dealing drugs, and my daughter lives in that house. The cops find drugs in his room, there goes my baby. Screw that.
It seems that, being the farthest removed from the situation emotionally, I am the best equipped to make a decision. However, its their house, so I can't. They need to get rid of him before they lose their house or their marriage.
All I know is if things go the way I want, he'll be locked up in time for Christmas. That'd make me smile even in Iraq. :)

[Guest Cole-Fu]

It is your money. Only 300 dollars? Next time it will be, oh but it was only 700 dollars or oh, it was only 1000 dollars. Pressing charges will teach him not to do this kind of thing again. As i said before,it is [b]your[/b] money, you or your husband worked hard for the money, it is not his right to take it away from you.

[Erika]

[size=1][color=royalblue]I'm with Lincoln on this 100%, lol. You can't let your emotions override your judgement. Even if he's family in your eyes to everyone else he's...what "L" just mentioned. :(

And yes, I have put myself in the situation ( I have a brother, too). Nobody will learn if you go too soft on them. $300 is still a lot of money, well, to me at least. But it's the principle behind it, even if it were a few bucks.

And yeah, what makes it even less justifiable is that he has done it before.

Whatever you decide, good luck with it. :3[/color][/size]

[Guest Detestable~Evil]

[COLOR=DarkRed][I]Hmmm... this is a akward situation you're in... but... I think that if you need not to press charges then you shouldn't, what really matters (Well... I think...) is that if your brother has learned his lesson, however... only actions will truly affect the mind other than mere words for we live in a world of physical matter, words are not as trustworthy, nor as that they could impact a person when it comes to punishment. But as well if he has guilt, that thing that will continue to drag onto you till it's end... if he truly is sorry then there is not a need (I believe.)

To end this... I must ask... Am I talking in this forum too late? :animeswea
I'm really bad with things like timing and directions... :animeswea
And I hope I didn't forget to read a page or 2... :animeswea [/I] [/COLOR]