Gavin Posted December 6, 2004 Share Posted December 6, 2004 [SIZE=1]Well I?ve finally finished writing the first chapter of The Unbelievables, I?m quite happy with the way it came out and I can only hope you enjoy it as much has I have. The first two or three chapter will be set in the past so as I said it won?t go exactly the same way as [b]The Incredibles[/b] did. If you don?t know who a character is based on that?s OK as I?ll be giving a cast listing at the end of the first chapter, although that will only pertain to those who appeared in the chapter itself. [center][img]http://adventkane.250free.com/Unbelievables_MainGraphic.gif[/img][/size][/center] [FONT=Verdana][CENTER][SIZE=4][b]Chapter One:[/b] Call on Me[/SIZE] [size=1][b]Setting:[/b] Version 4[/CENTER] [LEFT][I]The golden rays of the sun broke over Otaku City, scattering the darkness and giving birth to a new, bright day. A lone figure sat atop of one of the many skyscrapers that dotted the landscape, the suns rays bounced off his body like a mirror, this was the time of the morning that Polyman liked the best, the time of the morning where everything seemed perfect. His gaze broke from the horizon and dawn to the streets of his metropolis, the city he had taken up a commitment to make safe, although Polyman wasn?t the only Super he sometimes felt like he was. Several automobiles were already in motion, people walking at a leisurely pace along the streets, the warmth of the sun gave him energy after a hard night at work, life went on for Supers like they did for anyone else. ?It won?t be long now? he thought to himself, as peaceful as Otaku City was at this time of the morning the sinister n00b element of the city was always present, always trying to destroy the one little bit of paradise Polyman had decided to call home. The screeching of tires and the wailing of Mod-sirens told him all he needed to know, it was time to get to work...[/I][/LEFT] [center]--------------------[/center] [LEFT][b]Polyman:[/b] [[I]Mumbling[/I]] What do I enjoy most about being a Superhero ? [[I]Sighs[/I]] Honestly I don?t know, there are a whole load of benefits to being a Superhero, the satisfaction of being able to help people would be one of the major ones I suppose. I guess just knowing that I?m able to make a difference to people?s lives would be one of the most enjoyable parts of the job.[/LEFT] [center]--------------------[/center] [LEFT][I]A single black sports car tore down the roads of Liberty, one of the major districts of Otaku City, the words ?1337 n00bs 4 3V3R !1!!!11!!!? were scrawled across the side panelling. A pair of Mod-Cycles had been dispatched in pursuit, obviously Desbreko wanted the suspects apprehended quickly, as not to disturb the morning hours of the city. A cursory glance above informed him that he wasn?t the only Super to take an interest in the chase, a purple lycra clad female was already speeding down the highway, her feet barely touching the ground as she ran. Polyman could help but whistle in disbelief and shake his head, he?d never have thought that Celerity could be out this early in the morning, and besides Liberty wasn?t part of her usual patrol grounds. Still if she could handle them by herself it only meant he could move on to another part of the city to work, diving off the side of the building he manipulated his shoulders until a pair of rough wings had been formed, he couldn?t fly but at least he could glide with them. The city was still just waking up to a new day, although the streets were now considerably more active, the odd honking of a stressed Otaku trying to get to work couldn?t help but put a smile on Polyman?s face. Moving on swiftly he noticed a swarthy looking character with a bright yellow hat standing next to the front entrance of Theotaku National Bank, looking devious, at least Polyman assumed he was looking devious because his hat obscured his face. Gliding downwards until he had reached the ground Polyman stuck up on the villainous looking individual, blue robes, yellow hat and a strange seductiveness about the character told Polyman all he needed to know, after all this wasn?t the first time he?d caught this particular Supervillain. A sly but quiet cackle erupted from the evil-doer?s mouth, although again his mouth and face were hidden by a darkness shrouding his face, all that was visible of his face were a pair of evil but sexy looking yellow eyes. Once again altering his body Polyman assumed the shape of a mailbox, hiding right behind the nefarious being trying to catch him in the act. Within moments another evil snicker echoed forth from the villain, the door of the bank crept open as he moved inside, obvious this evildoer had not yet learned that crime didn?t pay.[/I] [b]DragonWarrior:[/b] [[I]To Bank Staff[/I]] EVERYONESES ON THE FLOOR, except teh womenses who can dance around sexily while pilfer the money from this place. [I]Polyman watched with mild amusement as a pair of women actual started to dance in a rather sensual manner. Obviously they were new to Otaku City as most people knew that DragonWarrior, behind his virile façade was actually impotent and didn?t score much. He waited until a large sack of money was tied to DragonWarrior?s pants before he pounced, the Supervillain let out a cry of anguish as he scrutinised the hero. The women had stopped dancing and were now cowering on the floor just like everyone else, except of course for Zidargh, who being the bank manager was upstairs in his office, completely oblivious that his bank was being robbed. DragonWarrior?s yellow eyes narrowed to slits, in a certain light he might actually have looked rather fearsome, but Polyman had already caught and imprisoned him too many times to be fooled. Polyman knew DragonWarrior was a master of the black arts of the mage, he could also drown small animals with the amount of cologne he used. The intensity of said aroma was actually making Polyman feel rather light-headed, perhaps this was a new weapon in his nefarious foe?s arsenal.[/I] [b]DragonWarrior:[/b] [[I]Chuckles diabolically[/I]] Is my super-sexy-dizzifying cologne making you feel rather vertiginous Polyman ? [b]Polyman:[/b] Well it appears someone has been reading the Thesaurus since the last time I put him in prison. [b]DragonWarrior:[/b] [[I]Growling[/I]] Bite me you jackweed fucktard. [b]Polyman:[/b] [[I]Placing his fists on his hips and pushing out his chest in a very superhero-esque manner[/I]] Calling me a jackweed fucktard is one thing, but nobody tells me to bite them. [[I]Launches himself at the evil vertically challenged mage[/I]] [I]For some reason DragonWarrior was now dressed in the ensemble of a Spanish bull-fighter, cape and all, although his face was still obscured by his silly hat. Polyman was left bewildered as to how DragonWarrior had managed to change his clothes in the time it took for him to launch himself at the villain, in fact even DragonWarrior seemed confused by this, a large ?WTF ?!!? appearing as a thought bubble near his head. Waving the cape he attempted to provoke Polyman into charging at him again, though Polyman wasn?t nearly that stupid, in fact he was rather brainy, and kind and attractive, and many things that DragonWarrior wasn?t. For some reason DragonWarrior seemed to able to hear this and raised his middle finger at the narrator. Snickering the evildoer managed to produce a large and dangerous looking custard-pie launcher from somewhere in the pockets of his garments. Firing several of these explosive pastries at the hero DragonWarrior succeeded in causing Polyman to slip and fall to the floor, injuring his well toned backside.[/I] [b]DragonWarrior:[/b] Muhahahaha no Superhero is strong enough to defeat my custard-pie launcher, it?s slipperiness will allow me to escape with my newly acquired cash and take over Otakuboards. Then I?ll have all the womenses dress sexy and dance around me, and I?ll have James scrubbing the toilets at every public restroom for the rest of his life... [[I]Continues monologuing for several more minutes, allowing Polyman to work out a way to defeat his weapon[/I]] [b]Polyman:[/b] [[I]Picking up a small and angry looking oldie[/I]] Stick [b]this[/b] in your bong and smoke it !! [[I]Fires member into the barrel of the launcher, jamming it[/I]] [b]DragonWarrior:[/b] [[I]Astounded[/I]] How in the name of Adam did you do that ?! STILL I HAVE AN ALTERNATE METHOD OF ESCAPE, HA HA FOOLISH STUPIDHERO I CAN NEVER BE DEFEATED !! [[I]Activtes hidden jetpack in his boxers and flies out the sky light, only for them to stall and fly him right into the local Mod Station where is promptly taken into custody[/I]] [b]Polyman:[/b] O...K... I did not see that coming... [[I]Coughs loudly[/I]] Anyhoo stay safe citizens and remember: The Supers have got your back. [[I]Quickly ducks out the front door while everyone else is still trying to figure out what happened to the villian[/I]] [I]Several hours later Polyman found himself in the same spot he?d begun the day in, the sun was just going down and he was still trying to figure out exactly what had happened with DragonWarrior. Still he was happy that in a very odd way justice had been served, sighing quietly he relaxed back onto the flagpole, that was of course until he heard the high speed approach of the heroine that could have only been Celerity. Sure enough when he opened his eyes she was standing right there in front of him, a smile on her face, grinning she sat down next to the so-called ?Man of Steel?. He signed again before chuckling, he knew she wanted him to ask about her chase in Liberty earlier that day.[/I] [b]Polyman:[/b] So how went the chase ? [b]Celerity:[/b] Well I caught them in the end, a pair of n00bs tagging the walls with hyperlinks to other sites, Desbreko went Conan the Barbarian on them when we delivered them to the Mod-Station, they won?t be poking around OB any time so.. [[I]Eyes flicker to something in the horizon[/I]] [b]Polyman:[/b] What ? [[I]Matches gaze to see a large zeppelin with the words ?[b]TEH SUP4$ $UCK @$$[/b]? in large bold letters[/I]] You know the phrase Cel. [b]Celerity:[/b] [[I]Smiles[/I]] No rest for the weary. [I]The two Supers jetted off, it was going to be a long night yet, but there was always a dawn at the end of it...[/I][/left] [center]--------------------[/size] [u][b]Cast[/b][/u] [size=1]Polyman - Kane Celerity - Annie DragonWarrior - Himself Mods on Cycles - Shinamru, Red Desbreko - Himself Zidargh - Himself Angry Oldie - Boba Fett[/center][/SIZE][/FONT] [LEFT][SIZE=1]Thoughts, ideas or comments are appreciated be they good, bad or indifferent. [/SIZE] [/LEFT] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Annie Posted December 6, 2004 Share Posted December 6, 2004 [color=indigo][size=1]Oh my, Kane. I will say that this is amazing. It keeps a serious and believable theme, while throwing in moderate humor (got to love DW). I never had the chance to see [i]The Incredibles[/i], but your spin from it is brilliant. And I can honestly tell you that I was extremely shocked to see my name as one of your characters ^_^*(blushy face) Thank you very much, you didn't have to do that. It's an honor to be a part of your story, and I will look forward to reading future chapters. Great opening; pleasant and peaceful, then the morning mist is disturbed with a chase..and DW's self-induced capture. Poor sexy DW, and his sickening cologne.[/color][/size] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Ezekiel Posted December 6, 2004 Share Posted December 6, 2004 [SIZE=1][QUOTE]he could also drown small animals with the amount of cologne he used[/QUOTE] [COLOR=Green]I swear I could not stop laughing after I read that ^_^;; I thoroughly enjoyed this chapter, everything was written so well and the setting was perfect. You've got the right balance of humour and seriousness in this chapter. I really can't wait to read more of it. But I have to wait until version 7 to make an appearance, curses >_<[/COLOR][/SIZE] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Onix Posted December 7, 2004 Share Posted December 7, 2004 [COLOR=SlateGray][SIZE=1]That's pretty good, not to mention a good parody (I recently saw the Incredibles.) I don't know which version I started in. 'Course, I'm probably not going to be in it anyway...eh heh...oh well. Keep up the good work, Kane. -ULX[/SIZE][/COLOR] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Dragon Warrior Posted December 9, 2004 Share Posted December 9, 2004 I are likeses, but I as so easily defeated and unsexy ;_; Poor me. I will now suffer in my own delusions and woe. The comedy was of my stylings, so you know I like it. I guess only Gavins like ourselves can produce such sexiness. I liked the part where the "WTF?!" appeared because of my unexplainable change of clothes. I do have one suggestion for you: you tend to have the habit of making "run-on sentences." If you don't know what those are, they're sentences that ramble on for too long where they should actually be split into more than one sentence. For instance, this would be one from your story: "Polyman knew DragonWarrior was a master of the black arts of the mage, he could also drown small animals with the amount of cologne he used, the intensity of the aroma was actually making Polyman feel rather light-headed, perhaps this was a new weapon in his nefarious foe?s new arsenal." Notice the numerous sentences in just one sentence XD Just a suggestion. It makes it easier to read if that's corrected =/ But write more, damnit >:^O Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Vicky Posted December 10, 2004 Share Posted December 10, 2004 [QUOTE=Kane] [SIZE=1][B]DragonWarrior:[/B] [[I]Astounded[/I]] How in the name of Adam did you do that ?! STILL I HAVE AN ALTERNATE METHOD OF ESCAPE, HA HA FOOLISH STUPIDHERO I CAN NEVER BE DEFEATED !! [[I]Activtes hidden jetpack in his boxers and flies out the sky light, only for them to stall and fly him right into the local Mod Station where is promptly taken into custody[/I]][/SIZE][/Quote] [B][SIZE=1]Don't ask me why, but I loved this part ^_^ For no reason, I just loved it, hehe. Anyways, brilliant story, nice start as well. Though I haven't seen The Incredibles yet I do plan to, but from the trailers I've seen this looks like a great spin-off. The comedy in the story is brilliant and I look forward to reading more, also note that even though some things may be silly in it it's also enough to make the Queen laugh, great job![/SIZE][/B] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Corey Posted December 10, 2004 Share Posted December 10, 2004 [size=1]Reading this has been the best thing I've done in school in a long time. Thankyou Kane for making my schoolday pass a little faster. On a Friday it desperately needs to do so. :)[/size] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Baron Samedi Posted December 11, 2004 Share Posted December 11, 2004 [size=1]Funny stuff, heh. One thing I'd mention is that some of the 'funnies' and some of the words feel a little forced, but getting free-flowing narrative is very difficult. And I'd agree with DW about the sentences. However, technicalities aside, this was an enjoyable piece to read ^_^ Good job, Kane.[/size] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Gavin Posted December 12, 2004 Author Share Posted December 12, 2004 [SIZE=1]Thanks for the responses everyone, I'm really glad you've enjoyed the story so far, even if there are some mistakes. The next chapter should be up shortly, and it?s going to be two or three times longer than the previous, with a few more cameos. I know I promised to add a kind of character listing before then, but I'll give that at the end of Chapter 2. It should be up in the next 72 hours or so, so keep and eye out and I hope you'll enjoy this one as much as you enjoyed the first. [/SIZE] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... MissWem Posted December 12, 2004 Share Posted December 12, 2004 [COLOR=DarkRed]Now I have all the more reason to go see the movie The Incredibles.. is it just me or is DW just an easy person to use? : P It was funny, and I look forward to seeing the rest of the story. Practice makes perfect.[/COLOR] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Create an account or sign in to comment You need to be a member in order to leave a comment Create an account Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy! Register a new account Sign in Already have an account? Sign in here. Sign In Now Share More sharing options... Followers 0
Annie Posted December 6, 2004 Share Posted December 6, 2004 [color=indigo][size=1]Oh my, Kane. I will say that this is amazing. It keeps a serious and believable theme, while throwing in moderate humor (got to love DW). I never had the chance to see [i]The Incredibles[/i], but your spin from it is brilliant. And I can honestly tell you that I was extremely shocked to see my name as one of your characters ^_^*(blushy face) Thank you very much, you didn't have to do that. It's an honor to be a part of your story, and I will look forward to reading future chapters. Great opening; pleasant and peaceful, then the morning mist is disturbed with a chase..and DW's self-induced capture. Poor sexy DW, and his sickening cologne.[/color][/size] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ezekiel Posted December 6, 2004 Share Posted December 6, 2004 [SIZE=1][QUOTE]he could also drown small animals with the amount of cologne he used[/QUOTE] [COLOR=Green]I swear I could not stop laughing after I read that ^_^;; I thoroughly enjoyed this chapter, everything was written so well and the setting was perfect. You've got the right balance of humour and seriousness in this chapter. I really can't wait to read more of it. But I have to wait until version 7 to make an appearance, curses >_<[/COLOR][/SIZE] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Onix Posted December 7, 2004 Share Posted December 7, 2004 [COLOR=SlateGray][SIZE=1]That's pretty good, not to mention a good parody (I recently saw the Incredibles.) I don't know which version I started in. 'Course, I'm probably not going to be in it anyway...eh heh...oh well. Keep up the good work, Kane. -ULX[/SIZE][/COLOR] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dragon Warrior Posted December 9, 2004 Share Posted December 9, 2004 I are likeses, but I as so easily defeated and unsexy ;_; Poor me. I will now suffer in my own delusions and woe. The comedy was of my stylings, so you know I like it. I guess only Gavins like ourselves can produce such sexiness. I liked the part where the "WTF?!" appeared because of my unexplainable change of clothes. I do have one suggestion for you: you tend to have the habit of making "run-on sentences." If you don't know what those are, they're sentences that ramble on for too long where they should actually be split into more than one sentence. For instance, this would be one from your story: "Polyman knew DragonWarrior was a master of the black arts of the mage, he could also drown small animals with the amount of cologne he used, the intensity of the aroma was actually making Polyman feel rather light-headed, perhaps this was a new weapon in his nefarious foe?s new arsenal." Notice the numerous sentences in just one sentence XD Just a suggestion. It makes it easier to read if that's corrected =/ But write more, damnit >:^O Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vicky Posted December 10, 2004 Share Posted December 10, 2004 [QUOTE=Kane] [SIZE=1][B]DragonWarrior:[/B] [[I]Astounded[/I]] How in the name of Adam did you do that ?! STILL I HAVE AN ALTERNATE METHOD OF ESCAPE, HA HA FOOLISH STUPIDHERO I CAN NEVER BE DEFEATED !! [[I]Activtes hidden jetpack in his boxers and flies out the sky light, only for them to stall and fly him right into the local Mod Station where is promptly taken into custody[/I]][/SIZE][/Quote] [B][SIZE=1]Don't ask me why, but I loved this part ^_^ For no reason, I just loved it, hehe. Anyways, brilliant story, nice start as well. Though I haven't seen The Incredibles yet I do plan to, but from the trailers I've seen this looks like a great spin-off. The comedy in the story is brilliant and I look forward to reading more, also note that even though some things may be silly in it it's also enough to make the Queen laugh, great job![/SIZE][/B] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corey Posted December 10, 2004 Share Posted December 10, 2004 [size=1]Reading this has been the best thing I've done in school in a long time. Thankyou Kane for making my schoolday pass a little faster. On a Friday it desperately needs to do so. :)[/size] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Baron Samedi Posted December 11, 2004 Share Posted December 11, 2004 [size=1]Funny stuff, heh. One thing I'd mention is that some of the 'funnies' and some of the words feel a little forced, but getting free-flowing narrative is very difficult. And I'd agree with DW about the sentences. However, technicalities aside, this was an enjoyable piece to read ^_^ Good job, Kane.[/size] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gavin Posted December 12, 2004 Author Share Posted December 12, 2004 [SIZE=1]Thanks for the responses everyone, I'm really glad you've enjoyed the story so far, even if there are some mistakes. The next chapter should be up shortly, and it?s going to be two or three times longer than the previous, with a few more cameos. I know I promised to add a kind of character listing before then, but I'll give that at the end of Chapter 2. It should be up in the next 72 hours or so, so keep and eye out and I hope you'll enjoy this one as much as you enjoyed the first. [/SIZE] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissWem Posted December 12, 2004 Share Posted December 12, 2004 [COLOR=DarkRed]Now I have all the more reason to go see the movie The Incredibles.. is it just me or is DW just an easy person to use? : P It was funny, and I look forward to seeing the rest of the story. Practice makes perfect.[/COLOR] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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