Discuss Deep Secret [Old RP] [PG14-M,L]

[Muad'Dib]

[FONT=Palatino Linotype][COLOR=Navy]This is an RP a made several months ago if I remember correctly. I was looking forward to it starting, and it seemed like it would for a long time. Unfortunately, I was still short one sign up. Anyway, since it did prove semi-successful, I was hoping to get some kind of feed-back on the story line to see what can be improved to make it more 'attractive'.

Keep in mind that there were supposed to be a lot of unanswered questions and scenarios that would be made more clear when the RP started.

[quote]Within it's protective metallic walls, the Jurn felt violated. The Jurn sat nestled in the heart of it's complex, it's smooth, arching frame giving off a pale blue glow at seemingly random intervals along the structure. The glow had gotten brighter ever since they entered, casting pale shadows on the dark floor before it. Now they peered into the Jurn's own chamber, using their burning, violating instruments to open the door that had been the last barrier between them and the Jurn. The glow intensified almost two-fold immediately. Deep within itself, the Jurn stirred, releasing that which it had nurtured. A single curved tube, still glowing with blue light, jutted forth.

As blue turned to yellow, pieces of this new development broke away, revealing what lie curled underneath. Aesirik dropped unceremoniously to the floor. Wires and mechanicle tubing were bound to every part of him, cutting through skin and binding to muscle and bone. A tube covered his mouth, a plate his eyes, and the rest formed organic patterns on his arms, legs- everywhere. His mouth tube broke away with a hiss, and Aesirik gagged and choked. a few seconds passed with no sound, Aesirik's body begging for oxygen, unused to breathing. Finally, he took his first breath and shuddered.

Everywhere, wires and tubing began to unattatch themselves, fresh blood spilling onto the floor as they broke away. Aesirik wretched, his whole body twitching and writhing with pain. Finally, his body was bare except for the plate which still covered his eyes. Aesirik gasped for breath, still shaking and cowering in his own blood on the floor.

-Feel child- the Jurn spoke to it's creation. -You must do the works of Auhd now child- Aesirik's shuddering calmed and he breathed more steadily, though his lungs still burned with the feel of air. -Stand child- Aesirik cowered still. -Stand child- Slowly, shakily, Aesirik got to his feet, hardly able to support his own weight. -Your time of blindness is ended child- -See- The plate on his eyes loosened and retracted into the Jurn. Aesirik's eyes immediately dailated, then returned to normal size. The light of the Jurn's glow made his mind burn, flooding his senses. -Aesirik-

Archeologists and Scientists flooded into the chamber, eager to see what they had discovered. Aesirik stood defiantly, watching.
~~~

The basic plot: Obviously, this takes place in the future. Humans, upon discovering another inhabitable world like Earth, flooded into space to see their find. Soon after colonizing the planet, now deemed 'Terras', ruins and ancient complexes were found beneath the surface. But no signs of life. Even dead life.

So now, they've found what they think is something significant. aesirik, though they don't know that is his name. To them, he is a discovery. Something to be tested and experimented on. How can he exist on an alien world? What are these marking on his body? What was the use of the room he was found in? Yet so far, no answers have been revealed to the eager humans.

Aesirik is kept in almost constant unconsciousness. Scientists and doctors watch over him day and night. Is he human? Maybe.
~~[/quote]

The original sign-ups I had were from Methuselah, Sword Breaker and Spirit Breeze. If I start it up again, I would hope that at least Methy-san joins again ^_~

Please, comment away.

PS: Also note that I had four assigned characters that I wanted played, three of which were filled before sign-ups stopped coming in.[/COLOR][/FONT]

[Ezekiel]

[COLOR=Green][SIZE=1]Of course I would join again, kiddo. (Just had to call you that XD) I really liked this idea and the only thing I can suggest would maybe be to add more colourful grammar and more description to the original storyline, like expand on certain things to involve people into the new world that you've created with the story.

*shrugs* Or maybe you don't need to do anything, you could just repost it and see what happens.[/SIZE][/COLOR]