Writing Azure [E]

[Retribution]

[CENTER][b]Azure[/b]
Azure sea glimmers
The sun's gold lines every cloud
I wish you were here.[/CENTER]

The last line were inspired by Incubus' song "Wish you were here." I thought it fit perfectly with what I was trying to say, and it was 5 syllables! The only qualm I have with it is... is 'azure' two or three syllables? I don't even know how to pronounce it. :rolleyes:

Constructive criticsm is welcome! Most of my poems aren't even commented on, which doesn't help me improve. >_>

[Patronus]

[size=1][QUOTE=Altron][/size][center][b][size=1]Azure[/size][/b][/center]
[center][size=1]Azure sea glimmers[/size][/center]
[center][size=1]The sun's gold lines every cloud[/size][/center]
[center][size=1]I wish you were here.[/QUOTE] [/size][/center]
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[size=1]I'm not a big fan of Haikus because they don't allow you the freedom of choice of words. Like where you say "the sun's gold lines every cloud," if it were Traditional, I would put "the sun's golden rays silhouette every cloud."[/size]
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[left][size=1]But, for a Haiku, it's good.[/size][/left]

[Lady Asphyxia]

[font=Verdana][size=1]Two syllables. ^.~[/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1]I also have problems with Hiakus because they have so little space to tell a story. I've seen quite a few of your Hiakus, though, and you seem to do it really well. Have you ever written a Hiaku string, where each 'stanza' is a Hiaku, seperate to the last and telling it's own story, but still linking with the others? I think it'd be a great challenge/fun for someone so practiced in the Hiakus as you, so it'd be interesting to see the results. [/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1]Anyway, I can just imagine someone sitting on the beach with their legs drawn up, their head resting on their knees, wishing for that someone. You've left a lot of room open for interpretation, so I really like this piece, even though I'm not fond of Hiakus on the whole. [/size][/font]

[Retribution]

Well, thank you for the feedback. I don't really consider myself a very 'seasoned' haiku-er... but I'll give it a shot. Do you mean that the stanzas go:

57575

or like...

575 575 575?

As in the haikus are linked together or there is a separate stanza of haikus each time.

[Lady Asphyxia]

[size=1]I meant that there was a seperate stanza for each Hiaku, yeah. ^_^ It'll be interesting to see what you come up with.[/size]

[haruko girl]

[QUOTE=Retribution][CENTER][b]Azure[/b]
Azure sea glimmers
The sun's gold lines every cloud
I wish you were here.[/CENTER]

The last line were inspired by Incubus' song "Wish you were here." I thought it fit perfectly with what I was trying to say, and it was 5 syllables! The only qualm I have with it is... is 'azure' two or three syllables? I don't even know how to pronounce it. :rolleyes:

Constructive criticsm is welcome! Most of my poems aren't even commented on, which doesn't help me improve. >_>[/QUOTE]

i really like this poem. it paints a beautiful picture and it's really cute and sweet in only 17 syllables- that takes talent. p.s.- i'm pretty sure azure is 2 syllables.