Writing The Pain of Life [PG-L]

[DeadSeraphim]

[COLOR=Indigo][SIZE=1][FONT=Arial]I wrote this earlier, heh. It's a 55 Fiction gone mad, lol. I just started writing it and didn't stop....[/FONT][/SIZE][/COLOR]
[quote][size=1]'Please don't leave.' Her voice was hurt and tearful, but he didn't notice. No, he refused to notice.

'Why aren't you listening to me? I need you!' He still ignored her, studiously buttoning up his simple black shirt and wondering where his jeans were.

'You don't have to do this!' His eye twitched at that one. Who was she to tell her what he did and didn't have to do? He slowly turned around, and surveyed her sitting on the edge of the bed, her eyes red and long raven locks a mess.

'You didn't have to see him,' he said slowly and evenly. 'You didn't have to fuck him behind my back. You didn't have to do a lot of things but you did anyway.' His voice had risen in a harsh crescendo, and was interlaced with variable bitterness and rage.

'I won't do it again! I swear, me and him are over! Please, just don't leave!' He was almost inclined to believe her, she almost had him convinced, she seemed so authentic...

Desperate for somewhere to focus that wasn't on her, he noticed a pair of his jeans at his feet and surveyed them for a long moment. Doubts started to enter his mind, doubts that weren't so easily dismissed. Finally he looked up at her.

'I'm going to go have a drink to sort myself out,' he said , bending down to pick up his jeans. 'I might come back. I might not.'

He pulled the jeans on and went to the bedroom door, pushing his feet into carelessly strewn shoes and pausing. Looking over his shoulder he muttered a good-bye and left.

--

The pub was almost empty at this time of the day, which suited him just fine. Dragging himself into the public bar he sat heavily on a vinyl covered bar stool and attempted to organise his thoughts to the tune of a lone poker machine, doubtless manned by some lifeless deadbeat.

'What can I do you for?' the bartender asked in a thick American accent, placing both hands on the polished bar top as if to prop himself.

'Cowboys. Four of em,' he muttered.

'It's a bit early for that aint it?' the bartender asked, even as he retrieved the schnapps and Bailey's.

'I'm not in much of a position to care.' He slumped onto the bar and listened to the soft swish of the alcohol entering first one shot glass, then two, till all four were lined up before him. He downed all four in the space of ten minutes, hoping the rush of alcohol would help clear his thoughts.

It didn't help. It knocked him out for a good two hours.

--

When he awoke he found himself propped against the back wall of the pub, the faint stench of stale sweat emanating from his clothes. Staggering to his feet he shuffled over to a tap and turned the faucet, letting the lukewarm water gather in the pool made by his cupped hands before splashing his face with it.

The shock of it caused him to fall back, and he hit the ground with a groan. Maybe going back to her wasn't such a bad idea after all. She did say she wouldn't do it again, after all. Lying in the dirt on his back, he didn't notice the footsteps coming steadily toward him.

'Need some help there?' He almost jumped out of his skin at the sound of the bartender's voice.

'I should be fine.'

'You on a path to self destruction, son?'

'I just needed to clear my head.' The bartender laughed.

'So you had four cowboys? Boy, you're dumber than I first thought.'

'Don't judge me, just help me up,' he said, offering a hand to the bartender.

Wordlessly the bartender pulled him up, and dusted him off.

'Need a lift home boy? It's the end of my shift, they aint gonna miss me.'

He shrugged. 'Sure thing.'

--

'Thanks for the lift,' he said, patting the bonnet to signal he could leave. Entering the house he kicked off his shoes and went to the bedroom door, closed. Standing outside it he listened for a moment, his ears straining. But it seemed the room was silent.

He opened the door, a slight smile playing across his face, expecting her to be sleeping, and everything to be forgotten. And she was. With another man. Quietly he closed the door and retrieved his shoes again, tears streaming down his face. He wasn't coming back.

It was official.[/size][/quote]

[Guest Sean]

[SIZE=1]Hell yes. This rocks. I thought something would go amiss when he got in the house, but I never expected it to be that. Plus the fact that we don't know what she's done is added to it's suspense.

I'm suspecting she had slept with another man before that. And that's why she said she would never do it again. But she did, and that was it for him. And in your words.

Pure Sex. >.>;;[/SIZE]

[Baron Samedi]

[size=1]This is an incredibly well written story Alan, I enjoyed it. Your descriptive areas ["her eyes red and long raven locks a mess" " pushing his feet into carelessly strewn shoes and pausing." "the faint stench of stale sweat emanating from his clothes."] are excellent, and you pushed the story along well: it had a nice flow. The events also contained authenticity: you could quite literally 'watch' this story. Sometimes you read writing that is awkward, and feels forced, but this flowed wonderfully. I still think that part about the shock of the water should be changed, but seeing as you like it as is, what can I do :)

Nice work Alan.[/size]

[Shinmaru]

Good story. The writing flowed pretty well, there was a fair amount of well-employed description, and the scenario was pretty believable (though I've not experienced anything like this myself, as of yet :P). I also appreciate that you didn't go too over the top with the dialogue like I see a lot of people who write stories like this do. The dialogue conveys the emotion, but it's not overly melodramatic.

Good work.

[Lady Asphyxia]

[quote name='Shinmaru']I also appreciate that you didn't go too over the top with the dialogue like I see a lot of people who write stories like this do. The dialogue conveys the emotion, but it's not overly melodramatic. [/quote]
[font=Verdana][size=1]That was where I came in. :p Aren't you glad you came to me for help, now, Alan? [/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1]Anyway, as has already been said by myself and others, this is a good piece. Not as good as Angel/Demon, perhaps, but that was brilliant and it was much shorter. And, as everyone knows, it's easy to be brilliant if it's shorter, because you don't have to [i]sustain[/i] said brilliancy. [/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1]But yes. I particularly liked the "So you drank four cowboys?" line, as I've already told you. And, since you fixed up the first melodramatic lines, it's improved extraordinarily. [/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1]I liked that fact that this girl 'loves' him so much that, even though she knows he may be coming back, and even though she wants him, she still sleeps with someone else. It sort of brings a malicious almost ironic meaning to it. You have to wonder what sort of girl this is, and what her problems are if she does that sort of thing. [/size][/font]

[Hevn]

Well, everyone already said what I wanted to say, lol.

Just wanna add that my emotions got a little carried away with the story when I first read this so your writing is very effective. You know I've always told you I love the way you write your descriptions. They have some sort of sophistication to it. Very well done. I love it. *hands out oreos*

[Dragon Warrior]

Ah, I expected her to be with another dude in the end. This was actually very interesting. Why didn't you continue to force me to read it yesturday, jerk :P Bytheway, that chick is a bitch :(